carolsmom Asked November 2009

Can we start a caregiver hotline for abuse?

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i think they need to start a caregiver abuse hotline. did any of you know that this is national caregivers month. celebrate.....for the ups and downs of caregiving can really take you on an emotional roller coaster.

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capnhardass Jan 2013
my mother has suffered mental crashes 2 times in 4 years. im a scary looking character who cusses like a sailor and both times ive been interviewed by adult protective services and both times been discounted of any wrongdoing. im lucky to live in indiana where people are more intelligent than their often given credit for. i think the key is to hold your ground and dont come off as defensive. your doing a good job you dont need to be apologetic or defensive.. most caseworkers are aware that dementia patients thrive on persecutive delusions which are often completely exagerated malarky.. if the caseworker hurls an unfounded accusation dont even honor it with a response.
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gorbe11 Jan 2013
I want out of the will so I can't be accused of anything concerning her possesions. My mother does not have Alz or dementia either. My dad put up with abuse from her until he died. The day he died he told her he didn't feel good and she told him- oh don't start. She had told me years before he died that she did not love him. I begged him to leave her on several occasions, but he wouldn't.
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I'm no legal expert so I can't give you advice in that area. I can only tell you what happened in my case. My mom wrote a will naming my sister and me as beneficiaries, listing what each was to get. At the same time, she named my son as executor and primary POA and me as the alternate POA. When she disowned me and my kids, she revoked our POA through the courts and gave POA to my sister. I lived 8 mi, sis lives 3000 mi away, go figure! At some point, without our knowledge and I don't know if we even had the right to know, she took me out of the will, leaving my sister in and giving most of what I was to get to her hired caregiver, who evidently became the daughter I couldn't measure up to be. (DO NOT get me started on that caregiver!!! That's a whole other story.) Mom messed up on some other stuff and either didn't tell her lawyer or he knew but somehow skirted the issue, I believe the latter, thus the mess I'm in. I'd never have known about the will because obviously I wasn't in it so I never got a copy. I won't divulge how I got to see the will. I didn't want anything of hers but it hurt my heart to see that I didn't exist to her. Even in death she hated me.
I suggest you seek legal advice. I'm sure you and your son can be removed. Do you want out of the will as a matter of principle or do you suspect there will be legal ramifications by your staying in it? If so, let a lawyer know. Can't say I blame you for wanting totally out of your mom's life. Sometimes calling it quits, even with a parent, is for the best. I wish I could blame all this on Alz but mom didn't have it or dementia, only a mean streak a mile wide and a deep seated hatred for her firstborn. I've always said when my sweet dad got to Heaven, he got in the 10 items or less confession lane to see God. I think my mom is still in line confessing after being there 2 yrs.
Good luck and get that legal issue settled soon for your peace of mind. I can imagine how nervous you are worrying what your mom's going to do next.
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gorbe11 Jan 2013
Always my duty I hope your nightmare comes to an end soon. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can not even imagine how painful and scary it is. Thank you for your support. Since I found this sight, I feel like I AM really justified in my actions. I do have a question, I do not have power of attorney- nor do I want it. I am the beneficiary of her will and my son is the executor. Is there a way I can get both of us off her will?
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gorbe11, no you're not being overly paranoid. You know what your mother is capable of and I'd say you're being cautious, alert and prepared. She can do harm in a nursing home just like at home or wherever. All she has to do is complain the the "right" person and you could be in hot water even if you're not guilty. Don't trust her! Just be prepared as best you can.
Since I wrote the first response, I endured the accusations, proved myself and moved on...or so I thought. At the time, my lawyer told me to get it taken care off fast, turn my back and walk away. I thought that was cruel but he warned me that other things could come my way. Often wonder if he knew something from mom's lawyer. Mom passed away 2 yrs ago and guess what? I'm in my 2nd legal entanglement because she didn't have her affairs in order for whatever reason and my sister, who took over as executor from my son and me, has botched it all up and I was threatened with a lawsuit. Will this nightmare never end. Even in death, my mother is still at it. Nobody can convince me she didn't plan some of this AND tell my sister to continue the fight (she's mom's clone). After this gets taken care of, who's to know something new might not crop up. After taking care of our less than kind, loving parents to the best of our ability, some of us are faced with these legal issues. I still say a legal system and society who protects elders at ALL costs, is broken!!!!!
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gorbe11 Jan 2013
I too have a mother who is verbally and emotioaly abusive. My last contact with her, 2 weeks ago, she said once agan how she wished she had never adopted me. She also accused my of stealing from her. She has been abusive all my life. I am afraid to go see her- she is in a nursing home for rehabilitation ( walking) and then will go back to assisted living. I do not want to go to jail for something I did not steal. Am I being over paranoid about this?
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castoff Aug 2010
Amen to that AMD!

And then they have the gaul to say we abuse them???

If a person is twisted crazy....how can one say they are sane when they become seniors??? I learned first hand that just because a person turns 65 doesn't mean they get nice, sweet or innocent all of a sudden.
Are the courts in denial and deceived in all this???

Criminals and lunatics get old too!!!! For so many of the "greatest generation", this is learned behavior. They learned it from their elders, but now folks live so much longer than they used to, it's devastating on those of us who are left to care for them. Who will see our plight and come to our defence??????
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Amen, Godhelpus and caregiversuppor
Take it from me, the daughter who recently had to get a lawyer to defend myself from my mother, it was hellish being ccused of abuse and theft by my own mother who does NOT have Alz/dementia. Stabbing me in the heart would have felt better. But by God, she's an elder so she MUST be right and I MUST be guilty. Thank the good Lord she backed off (guilt, maybe?) . . . for now. She'll be back with more lies I'm sure. That's what I have to live with, waiting for her to think of more ways to get even with me. Get this, her lawyer gives her a discount because she's elderly!!!!!
There's no hotline that I can call in my situation and even if there was one, I wouldn't trust them not to turn it all around against me. With a mother like mine, you learn to be careful who you trust.
A society who only believes one side is broken.
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IsabelCares Aug 2010
For one, don't despair. No matter how much you love your Mom, ricims05, if she is that out of control, she may be better off with professionals who are trained to care for her. The Alzheimer's organization has a 24-hour counseling hotline you may want to call. The other thing is that if it comes down to that, for your own safety, never hesitate to call for emergency (ambulance) services. Sometimes medical intervention or psychological assessment is what needs to happen. It hurts to place such a call knowing what may lie ahead, or not knowing, but fear is not the answer.
Wishing you better days ahead! Number is 1-800-272-3900.
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rcims05 Aug 2010
Who are we supposed to go to? What kind of attorney do you get? My mom has become increasingly abusive towards me (not physically). But for no reason, seems to tell neighbors and others (basically anyone who will listen) that I am stealing from her, or that I hate her, or that I am trying to take her home! I have been the one keeping my promise to her that I wouldn't put her away, wouldn't let anything happen to her, etc. I don't understand. And I get so angry with her (the disease, actually), but still go back for more! She has no one but me. But I don't want to have a legal problem for doing what any child would naturally do for someone who raised them and loves them! What are we supposed to do?
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