What do you do when you are down in the dumps and you are taking your elderly parent with you?

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I feel so bad today and made a promise to care for my mom who is almost blind totally bedridden and her worst fear is a carehome. I promised I would do my best to keep her home and care for her. Week before last we place a catheter and now I can barely get her on her commode by the bed. I am just worn out and have 5 siblings 2 that drop food or send meals on wheels, and one of those that does nothing but insult or hurt my feeling when she stops by maybe twice a week. Today iit was the dead plant hanger still hanging in the tree from last year, she has no clue how hard this is, I'm the baby and its all been put on me. I try to pray and keep my patience. I change her and barely get her resettled and we have another accident. I just need more support, live in a tiny town and my gets RR social security which puts her about 300 a year over the limit to get nursing help. Such a long story, my husband lives across the street with his 89 year old mom and 2 kids and my two kids just moved down the street as I feel like my siblings feel I owe this for us living here when there is no way she could have taken care of herself the last 4 years. 4 surgeries, crippled with all of the arthritis's and begged me to move home from Texas to Oregon saying she was so lonely she wanted to die. Two siblings are within blocks and one about 2 miles away. Today mom told my oldest sister she me to have the house and the reply was Donna (my second eldest sister) will never let that happen. Money is short and I am on SSD also. My first husband took his life in 2004 and We lost our home. I know, I know poor me, I need help as my attitude is very bad right now and know all that matters is Moms well being. I feel overwhelmed and just want to run away with no wear to go. ..

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Top Answer
1. Continue to do the best you can to care for Mom at her home. Realize that at some point even your best effort might not be enough to make that safe or in your mother's best interest for her to stay home, but continue for now.
2. Make a list of all the household things that you haven't been able to attend to along with your caregiving duties. The list should have things like trimming the front shrubs, replacing dead plants in planter, window washing, carpet steaming, thorough cupboard cleaning with new shelf liners -- you know, all the things you've notices in passing and have just not had the energy to do. Take this list seriously and do your best on it. Mail it to all five of the siblings. Explain that you cannot do these things and do justice to the caregiving job. Say that you have gotten by without having them done and you can continue to do so, but you'd like to give them the opportunity to pitch in if they care to, either by contributing to hiring it done, or by coming over to do it themselves. Say you and Mom will be grateful for anything they can do to help, and will also appreciate their understanding about the things that can't get done. Don't be mean-spirited about it. Just lay out the facts, and offer them a chance to help out.
3. Part of caring for Mom is seeing that her reasonable wishes are carried out. Bring in her lawyer (or find a lawyer for her) to enable her to write a will. Also keep in mind that she may need to use all of her assets before she dies, and there is seldom enough of an estate left after a prolonged illness for heirs to fight over.
4. Bring in social services to evaluate the situation and make you aware of your options. Just because Mom doesn't qualify for some kinds of assistance doesn't mean there aren't other programs to explore.
5. Even though you are going to keep Mom at home as long as possible, if you cannot get her onto the commode without additional help, something has got to give. Start exploring now, perhaps with some guidance from social services, what the alternatives are. What assets does Mom have for bringing in additional help? Does she have equity in the house that could be used?

Whew! That is a long list of things to do. But you wanted to know how to improve your attitude, and I often find that taking action is a good way to do that.

Good luck! Keep us posted on how things are working out.

I'd pray for the cavalry to arrive. Needy people = entrapment, and neglecting ourselves makes everything even more difficult; especially when there's no shoulder to cry on. You deserve to be happy for at least 5 minutes every day, so check if there are any caregiver support groups in your area.

I no longer care for Mom, but still attend them every now and them. Here in the South Bronx, it's not unusual for caregivers to pick a fight just to take it all out on somebody. I'm not a violent person, but they know I have no problem clocking any one of them. So we hobnob, make each other laugh over the silliest things caregivers do when our brains go on a vacation, and share tips that allow us to have a life and pretend to be X-Men.

It's 3:40 am, so I'll leave you with a warm hug. It's the least I can do.

-- Ed
Wow, you really have had a LOT hit you. Don't ever feel you don't deserve to feel "poor me" every once in a while. That is when we do our best assessing of our own lives sometimes. Area Agency on Aging is a place to start if you have not already looked into it. They have volunteers that will come out and do small chores or even just sit with your mom to give you the well deserved break. They can also give you other options...this is what they do, and they do care. Also, I believe in all states now (I could be wrong...I'm in OH) if you dial 211 they will have a list of agencies that will help, many which have no income limit. Hope this helps. I, like Ed, can at least leave you with a big hug!!
My heart goes out to you. Are you getting help from medicaid or medicare? Medicare will pay for home health to come in. It isn't a lot but it will give you some help. I have had non stop home health now for about 7 years. An agency comes in and gives my mom physical therapy 3 times a week (the only criterion they use is can she improve?) A nurse will be provided as often as needed for help with medical care. (I've had them 3 times a week sometimes. Now my mom is not needing a nurse, but is benefiting from the stretching etc with physical therapy.)
And, as long as there is a physical therapist on board I am getting a health aid to bathe my mom 3 times a week. When a agency comes on board it starts at the maximum (3 times a week in my mom's case). That goes on for sometimes 2 months. Then they reduce it to 2 times a week. For another 6 weeks or so. Then our case is closed. I call the doctor and in a day another agency starts all over. I have had it almost non stop for 7 years. It is not much, but it helps. Just get her doctor to prescribe it. It can be so overwhelming, from the tedium of it to the physical labor. I take antidepressants, and that helps too. Jodes61, take care of your beautiful self.
these are ALL GOOD ANSWERS. please check out social services. they can at least tell you where to get some help. my heart breaks for you. I too went thru some of the things you are now, God be with you and be sure to fervently and prayerfully ask for His help.
Thank you all! It seems so strange that I have all these older siblings and only one that does come by 10-30 minutes a day. Rosie is 70 and still runs her restaurant part time which at her age is more than full time. Her husband just had a toe taken off and he is a pain med, anti depressant u name it mess, injuries from pnumonia and a 28 day coma years ago. She just keeps going back brace and all. I wish I had her stamina and she's 20 years older than I. Although I believe she uses the business to escape from Jerry who wonders and falls during the night leaves ice cream melting and messes about. I live 132 miles from the nearest Walmart in Eastern Oregon. I will make some calls today. We have one home health which we used up and the Dr. reordered physical therapy and home health, I have seen them twice in the last 3 weeks. Always coming by with a picture of a comode or xl shower seat that medicare won't cover according to our local norco place. Funny they are the same items I described to him and already had found on the internet, I know he means well, but I approached them hoping for some bathing help and hoping medicare would cover some of the 170 and 380 dollar cost. We were doing ok until the last 3 over 400 dollar oil bills and its still in the 30's here in the am. Thanks to all at least I know there are people out there and I will not pout today but get on the phone and try to find more help. It seems u just loose motivation and doing the repetitive putting moms legs back in the bed.. placing the pillows warming the neck pad. Treating for the uti infection and cleaning are things I never dreamed I would be doing for mom. My sisters and brother have no idea of what is involved in her care from dentures to back rubs with the volatarin gel.. I love her so much an no we are getting close to the end, but I've felt that way before and she gets better, still not able to even support here weight to the commode but Thanks to you I will try to make her laugh today.. and b more patient and not get the anxiety attack when spills everything thats called take the time to sit and feed her each bite. I just always hope she will be able to do it herself again as she was just over a month ago. I think she doesn't want to eat in fear of me having to change her diapers. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. Thanks for the support... another thing to just do my best one day at a time. Love and Blessings to u all!
Ask through social services for assistance, demand relatives help you you should NOT have to shoulder this burden on your own. I know you love your mother, but if you are destroyed yourself you can't help her any more. You deserve to be happy and safe as well and there simply must be other answers for you, write here and let people know you situation there is a lot of help and support at Aging Care I have found. I cam here over a year ago now and have met many wonderful people and am grateful for all their help and support and advice. And for just having people listen and know what I am going through as well...I am in Eastern Washington here, so we are at least getting similar weather...
Hi there. Hey, taking care of one or both parents is hard. Couple that with siblings that don't or won't assist and yet demand they should get their "fair share" is not unusual either. Please, give yourself permission to be human, as well as a wonderful child. All any of us can do, is the best that we can, but you owe it to yourself and will be better able to help your mom if you find a way to take care of yourself as well. If your mom has medicare they really will assist with a lot if a doctor refers her for services. May I suggest that you start tjere. I wish you the best. Try to take care of yourself.
"know all that matters is Moms well being" Nope! Not true!!!! Nor is the idea of taking care of yourself soley for the purpose of making sure your mother is taking care of. You matter!!! Taking care of you matters!!! You might even half to say to yourself everyday when you get up in the morning and look in the mirror "I matter."
I feel for you because my story is similiar as far as wanting to run away from all of the daily caregiving. You are not alone, but you have a heavy load. Just call any local agency and like others said get her doctor to help by getting in some help to take care of her..YOU need a break and you need it now....Sometimes it seems even hard to pick up a phone to call, but do it and you will be glad you did. Caregiving can get you down and burnout real fast..so TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Forget what others say or think...It is you and your home..Take care of her necessary needs and just learn to ignore unnecassary tasks...It is hard at first, but you care for her..so it is u who has to do what you can and tell eveyone else if they choose to just put you down..Then they can take over or shut the hell up about what you do. Get your help today honey...You NEED to take care of u....Call ger doctor TODAY and get the ball rolling....HUGS and BEST WISHES...You will be in my prayers....We all care on this site...so VENT your true feelings and let us help you any way we can...We are supportive..not condesending...XOXO TAKE CARE...keep us posted

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