I have Power of Attorney for my parents with dementia and have been caring for them with no help from my brother. I am not well and can't care for them anymore, so can I pass my Power of Attorney on to my brother?

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I TOO HAVE 2 PARENTS WITH DEMENTIA, ONE IS 97 AND MOM IS 89. WE WERE VERY CLOSE, BUT SINCE THEY MOVED FROM N.Y. TO N.C., SINCE THEY MOVED CLOSER TO ME AND MY HUSABAND IN THEIR OWN CONDO, IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO DISCOVER THAT THEY BOTH HAVE DEMENTIA. I HAVE 3 SIBLINGS. WHO WANTED NOTHING TO DO IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. TOGETHER WITH MY HUSBAND, WE DID IT ALL, MOVING THEM FROM NY TO N.C. IN A BEAUTIFUL CONDO. THEY HAVE BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH. PARANOIA, MISTRUST EVERYTHING WE SAY AND DO. THEY FORGET WHAT REALLY TOOK PLACE. AGITATION TO THE POINT OF CLENCHING FISTS, AND BANGING WALLS. SCREAMING AND YELLING AT BOTH OF US. BECOMES FIXATED ON A DELUSION. RECENTLY, MY MOTHER CALLED MY BROTHER IN GA., AND TOLD HIM ALL SORTS OF THINGS, WHICH COMES FROM HER LACK OF MEMORY, AND RATIONAL COGNITIVE THINKING, DECISION MAKING, AND THE LIST GOES ON. AFTER CALLING MY BROTHER, WHO TOLD ME HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR CARE, AND WILL NOT GIVE UP ONE DAY OF HIS LIFE TOWARDS. HE SAID, HE IS NOTUP FOR A CRUSADE. NOW, AFTER 3 YRS, AND WHATEVER MY MOTHER SAID IN HER PHONE CALL TO HIM, HE IS NOW ON A "CRUSADE". SAW A BIG DIFFERENCE IN HOW MY MOTHER NOW RELATES TO ME. DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER STUFF. ANYWAY, HE NEVER CALLED ME TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HER PHONE CALL, AS HE SAID MY MOTHER DID NOT WANT ME TO KNOW, AND HE DOESN'T LIE. HE CAME UP, AND NEXT THING I KNOW, HE HIRED A ELDER LAW ATTORNEY, AS ONE OF HER COMPLAINTS WAS THAT SHE WANTED TO CHANGE HER WILL, WHICH I WAS AWARE OF. ONE NIGHT SHE CALLED ME OUT OF THE BLUE, SCREAMING AND YELLING, THAT SHE NEVER DREW UP THIS WILL, DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT. SHE NEVER WENT TO THE LAWYER, AND IT GOES ON. ALL OF THIS IS UNTRUE. HOW COULD THE WILL BE WITNESSED WITH THEIR SIGNATURES, IF THEY NEVER WENT TO THE LAWYERS OFFICE. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR THE BOTH OF THEM, ( STEP-FATHER OF 21 YRS, AND IS 97YRS OLD) AND NOTHING SEEMS TO BE RIGHT. ALWAYS HAD A VERY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER, AND MY OTHER 3 SIBLINGS, WENT ABOUT THEIR LIFE, AND NEVER GAVE THEM A SECOND THOUGHT. THEIR BIG CONTRIBUTION, WAS TO SEND COOKIES, FLOWERS, OR CANDY AT XMAS TIME. MY QUESTION IS THIS: I HAVE POA, AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. SINCE MY MOTHER THINKS MY BROTHER IS THE PRODICAL SON, CAN I JUST SEND ALL RECORDS, BILLS THAT WE PAY, APPOINTMENTS TO DOCTORS, THAT WE TAKE THEM TO, PRESCRIPTIONS THAT I MAIL AWAY FOR THEM, AND MUCH, MUCH MORE. I HAVE HAD IT. I AM GETTING SICK, AND SO IS MY HUSBAND, AND HE IS NOT A WELL MAN. CAN I RELINQUISH POA, AND SEND EVERYTHING TO HIM, AND JUST SAY, HERE IT IS, I'M DONE. IT REALLY IS A SHAME BECAUSE BETWEEN THE FOUR OF US, WE NEVER HAD A FALLING OUT. NOW WE ARE NOT SPEAKING, SINCE MY MOTHER CALLED MY BROTHER TELLING HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT, AS HE IS NOT FORTH COMING WITH ANYTHING. THEY LIVE 2 MINUTES FROM ME, SO TO SPEAK, THEY ARE LIVING IN MY BACKYARD, AND I HAVE A CONSCIENCE THAT NEVER QUITS, BUT I DID LET MY BROTHER KNOW VIA E-MAIL THAT I AM DONE. ALL HE HAS DONE SO FAR IS ASK ME TO GIVE MY MOTHER A $500.00 CHECK TO RETAIN THIS LAWYER AND GIVE IT TO MY MOTHER. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE, BUT I DO WANT OUT, AND HE KNOWS IT. CAN I LEGALLY, SINCE MY POA IS STILL IN MY NAME, JUST PACK ALL RECORDS, BILLS, ETC. UP, SEND IT TO HIM, AND SAY, HERE, I'M DONE. YOU DO IT ALL NOW THE SAME WAY I DID, AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A PHONE CALL TO SEE HOW MY HUSBAND AND I WERE MAKING OUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOTHER IS DOING THIS TO ME, AND FEELS THE WAY SHE DOES TOWARDS ME AND MY HUSBAND. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT NEVER DID I THINK I WAS GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS. I HAVE A DCOTRS LETTER FROM THEIR PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR, BASICALLY SAYING THAT THEY BOTH HAVE DEMENTIA, AND ARE NOT OF SOUND MIND AND BODY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRANQUILITY

Answers 1 to 3 of 3
Why are they not moving into an asst living/alzheimers care place? People there are trained to deal with this sort of thing. I would start with their doctor and have him recommend some places that he knows have a good reputation. Unless you're already aware of a place (in another state???) My mother-in-law is still on the low end of the dementia scale, but the paranoia she has & the memory thing is awful. She lives in an asst. living facility that is wonderful, and still she's paranoid about them 'stealing' from her. I can no longer be logical with her, and therefore I'm still wading through that. But I'll get there with the help of the other 'hands on' daughter-in-law. You and your husband stick together, show a united front, and get both of them into an alzheimers place. That's the most loving thing you can do for them at this point in their life when they are, (unfortunately) losing their marbles.
Well, I certainly commisserate (and relate) to your situation. This is what my attorney told me. To revoke the Durable POA, all you have to do is stop acting on it. You are not responsible for any of their bills. You cannot, however, appoint your brother as their POA, unless he was signed on the original document as an alternate.

Here is the sticking point - if you have proof that your "parents" are no longer of sound mind (incompetent), i.e. a medical diagnosis - then they cannot legally sign another POA - your brother cannot take over. You can insist that your brother become the conservator (or guardian) of both parents - as conservator, he must provide an accounting to the court on a regular basis, and will be legally responsible for their debts. The bottom line is, yes, you can give the responsibility to someone else, but it should be done legally. If your mom and brother wish to do this, encourage them to do the conservatorship, without being contested, it should cost approx. $1,500. If anyone contests, it could be quite a bit more.

I'd gladly allow my brother to step in if he'd just get off his #$%@ and do it! Beside, I'd rather it was him on the conservatorship, than me. Lots more responsibility.
~FyreFly
Tranquility: your note just screams of anything but "tranquility." There is so much pain and frustration in your note...and we have all been there.
Unfortunately, it does not look like your brother will ever step up to the plate (I can relate there too). You can send him all the documentation etc, but it does not mean that he will care for them properly. At the end of the day, you have to make sure your parents are safe and are getting the care they need.
I agree with the above. They need to be in an environment where they can feel less agitated and even have a chance of having more social contact.
As hard as this is to do, do not blame your Mom for what comes out of her mouth...she is not of sound mind. And, btw, any will she created under her present state, I think, would not be valid. Check with an attorney.
Please look into facilities immediately. Some even offer you a "trial run" to see if your parents will adapt to their surroundings and it will give you respite so you can rest and rejuvenate.
If you continue to be responsible for their care, I would recommend retaining the POAs...you will need them even if they are in a facility.
Good luck...try to rest...let us know what you decide...
Lilli

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