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I've got a situation where my mother refuses all outside or paid help and wants only family to do things for her. There are a number of things family can't do her because of the people involved and distances, and a self-neglect situation is slowly building. I'm wondering when the apparently inevitable day comes when I call APS what will happen? How much legal control can they take over my mother's life and her home? I want her to get help or be forced to accept help (she sure won't listen to me!) but I fear her being railroaded or losing more independence than necessary. Will I be starting a process that could end badly? Please share your experiences with APS good and bad, thank you!

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sheba - I don't think it matters if it's considered abuse or not. Why haven't you just kicked him out? Or if it's his place, move out yourself? He sounds like a nightmare to live with.
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I live with my son. He is 22. He calls me vulgar names, has removed my bedroom door, turned off water to the toilet and untwisted my light bulbs. Is this considered abuse.?
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Don't, under any circumstances, call adult protective services. They are awful. I don't know how to advise you to deal with your mother's problems, but APS will only make matters worse. I know, having cared for my aging parents until their deaths, and having a blind sister who needs in home care. APS can turn the normal aging process into a criminal charge, and I mean that. Do your best as a family to care for each other. Try to get a little help from neighbors. Be very careful who you let into your house My very best wishes to you.
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how do i end this investigation if my mother doesnt say no to it?
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mom has always been my friend. then she was cohearsed by neice to allow her to come bk to her home from prison. she had said no a million times as she was abused by her grandaughter for 3 yrs! then she got sentenced, when parole off said she can come bk mom said hell no shes dead to me. then she weedled her way bk in and while in prison she had called aps on ME I live 500 miles from home but i was caretaking both parents for 10 yrs! Now mom is supposedly the victim of my abuse (niece called it financial abuse) a the while she has given her two thousand dollars for truck school. niece tricked me into calling as i hadnt for first time as i was going through hell for a wk. To my surprise she had cohearsed my mom into areeing to file investigation of harrassment. I wasnt harrassing her, my niece was and the whole family got angry that she allowed the controlling abuser bk into her home. But the investigator said that I raise her bp another lie, and so I should for the firstt time in my life have NO contact! shes 90 and doesnt know she controls the investigation and can just say NO way is my daugter abusing me.she acts like shes supposed to talk to her as a thearapist. she never told anyone but me how horible niece was, but I was there and I saw it for yrs! along with her sister they scream yell use her cars take charge of heer finances and now niece says im a jerk and she cant believe mom helps me. NO we all cant believe shes still helping the gradaughters. Its madness I have never been out of touch with my mom. Now niece says its HER mom and HEr househould! She siply must think i had something to do with moms decision to say no to allowing her bk and/or its about her again having a free place to live! She is so ugly to me it is shocking as all I eveer said was hey dont talk to my mom that way. Now she texts her sister saying i just threatened to kill her..again. she making things up for court or something. I dont know but my entire family refuses to speak to me. im elder im alone im disabled. and the plan was for me to come bk and care for her and rent my home to bring in some money. that is over now since im the so called abuser? sociopathic narcissistic control freak neice has control over her mind and its killing me! How do i fight this I never got a notice nor have i been served. when she gave me the invvestigators number she said what i told her not to give out my number. i said well she isnt going to listen to anyone! then i told her she was a convict on parole and what she did to get a 100000 bail and 20 yr sentene!. But she still said no contact now. im at a loss and alone totally heartbroken I have never been out of touh with her. she may die in this time frame. what can i do i begged via email for my siblings to tell my om she can call this off anytime but no one answered me!
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Is there any legal ramifications for the family?
My mother just got discharged from a skilled nursing facility after we told them she was unable to vare for herself. She just had a colostomy bag pit on snd and is on physicatric drugs. We dont know what to do
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My Mother has Dementia and she refuses to have any help, anyone that comes to her house she just sends them away her memory is getting worse so she is neglecting herself and the house little by little, I live 13 hrs away and tried different ways to help her but nothing works. I don't know if I should call A P S or not. This is really upsetting to me.
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I had P0A first and twice my middle sister had my dad revoke my power of ATTORNEY and had him turn it over to her can she do this to me . he has some dementia I feel she took advantage of him what can I do? plus she will not allow him to speak to me . what are my rights she wont allow him to see me.
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Sometimes it is a matter of feeding the systems the words they need to hear, so they'll even come look.

For instance:
People where we used to live, called police and CPS repeatedly over a couple years' time, got no responses:
We occasionally helped an abused single mother w/ 3 little kids, by sheltering her. [[yes, he did retaliate]]
She usually left her kids in the apartment w/the abuser, believing they'd be fine, despite my warnings.
I called CPS to report that. CPS never responded.
Many neighbors avoided calling, fearing retaliation by abuser--but called police to report sounds of violent abuses happening at her apartment--no responses.
Reports of chronic drug activity in apartment--no response.
Including reporting that man was conducting drug activity in back bedroom where kids slept at night= no responses.
Child trying to escape from balcony, hanging over concrete driveway, got no response, except by neighbors helping child to get down off balcony without crashing himself--but then what?? return him to the apartment??
Children outside in inadequate clothing for weather--no response.
Baby crawling away down sidewalk--repeatedly--no responses.
Last straw was, woman sheltering at our house, said "my boyfriend has been taking my welfare checks and food stamps, sometimes for his drug stuff".
I called Welfare and CPS, reported that statement, and they got there so fast, it was like they'd been visiting next door!
THEN, woman and her kids were removed to another city 60 miles away for safety, man evicted from apartment.

Anyone can contact Police [non-emergency #],
also APS, also State Attorney General offices,
to request copies of descriptions of what each department classes as "abuse" conditions =that they must respond and intervene= for.

When reporting, use that same language, so agents can recognize what they are supposed to be observing.
Officers can only report what they see/hear.

But a report must be generated when 911 is called--that is a paper trail, and, it eventually accumulates data trails that can substantiate things,
which can lead to a person being removed from the circumstances,
even if the single-observations are not enough or conclusive enough by themselves.
ALSO, these reports can lead to getting better, more usable information as to how a caregiver can get the elder better helped
--because often, the 1st person contacted is new at it, or badly informed, or simply overloaded.
...eventually, you find someone with more/better information, and get better results.
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Wow, I am reading all your posts and it is such a shame that our aging parents are treated this way. However I feel your frustration. I just contacted APS on my mother. After being in the hospital for a week she had to go home to a man ( not husband just significant) who is so gross. The dishes from what I was told have not been washed in weeks. I have seen her house that bad before and I had to leave my son in the car because I did not want him in there. Anyway, APS went and spoke to her while she was in the hosptial and this guy at her home and they told me that there is nothing they can do because she is in her right mind. Even though she is making unhealth judgements because she knows her name and birthday they won't do anything. She got released on Monday, on Tuesday night my sister went over there and my mom was crying because of the mess she refused to get help from my sister. AS my sister was leaving she could hear this man screaming at my mother. My sister called the cops and they did nothing. I live 5 hours away. My sister has caregiver burnout and can not handle much more. I don't know what else to do. She thinks this man loves her but he is neglecting her so badly that one day she will not wake up. She will not come up here, every day I ask her. I feel as if all I can do is just sit here for the day that she completely looses her mind then have the courts award her in our care.
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APS sucks no help you call and investigate the person will be saying I am ok and APS gives test and they pass and say you don't need are services.
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I called APS on my BF guess what they cannot do anything at all unless that person is being abused by care giver or by family member. They even do a test to see if that person is mind is there and passed so you be stuck if passed. For Self Neglect oh well for that nothing you can do to that either its there wish what that person wants to do. I tried everything no luck you stuck and I am stuck. Unless you have money to put that person or doctors say its time. Good luck me in misery cause i am stuck with him and the way he is..
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IF /when a person shows to social Workers that they are a danger to themselves or others by staying by themselves, or even with family, that could be grounds for them to place him in a care home, or a facility. They try not to do that though. Lots of reasons they try to avoid that. mostly, the SAY it is to give th elder as much autonomy over their own lives as long as they can, for instance. But, it is usually more like, not enuf facilities with open beds, and/or, funding.
It might help if you prepare the social Worker by telling them what you have observed in your elder person....give them some clues what he's been doing, and, what has been done that might cause him to be unsafe if left to his own devices.
That way, the Soc. Worker can look for those behaviors, or try to get the person to act out the same way.
With any luck, he wll jsut do his behaviors for teh Soc worker.
But they are so good at hiding it when they need to...
Sure hope things go well to get him the help he needs!
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I called APS on my BF cause we cannot take it no more refuses to take meds and refuses to go to his doctors appointment refuses everything. Dementia is the problem. His outburst won't stop will continue until I spike him and he don't even know it when he is being spiked. APS came over and very nice person who is handling case is very upset with him and won't listen to her. She is getting a Social worker for us to check on him and go from there. I want to know if he does not follow rules will he be placed into a home cause that is what we want to do as a family. Can anyone tell me what else they do besides investigation on him.
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Rovana,
I do not mind answering your question.
She is my Mom.
I love her unconditionally, always have.
She has no memories of that--at least in the personality she often locked into.
I know how she got the way she is.
I know how mentally ill she has been all her life--even her family worried, but they never helped her get help--they helped her optimize her abilities--which were considerable.
She cannot help how she is.
I thought that living in smaller area, would limit her junk.
I had also promised her mother, my Gma, that I would do what I could when Mom needed helped later, since Gma was so stressed what was to become of her daughter when she was gone.
I believe in keeping promises as well as possible.

In the intervening decades, I developed health issues, became disabled.
BUT, didn't think it was going to be as bad as it got.
My siblings never said anything to stop it or to advise otherwise.

Mom was adamant, begging me to move her here--I believed her.
[[OK, it was stupid to believe her, but one had to have been there...]]
--None of them wanted her in their homes either...well, not exactly
--one of them took her in for a few months, & as soon as it was possible, moved her back here; as soon as she was here, that room at the siblings home was stripped & remodeled into something other than a bedroom.
The same sibling ended up taking Mom to their place when she had to leave here 6 years later.
That sibling is in a state of denial larger than I was about Mom's severity of behaviors.
Sibling says "everything's fine".
Mostly, she refuses to say anything.
I never bargained on how vindictive my siblings were when behaving badly. They are basically good people, loving, caring.
They are also heavily programmed by Mom, as they all lived with her far longer than I did.
They believe her accusations. Just as I believed Mom's assertion that she felt unsafe staying with them at the beginning of this Odyssey.
I thought there had been enough years gone by, we could manage to live under same roof.
I had no other information to direct the choices
--I didn't want Mom to become a street person.
I saw no other option at that time.
My siblings never stepped forward to volunteer to take her in then.
Nor did anyone suggest there was any other place she could go, otherwise.

You see, it is never quite a simple solution up front.
Things are complicated.
We make decisions based on what we know at a given time.

But hindsight is 20/20; it seems I should have been able to make a better, more informed decision...just not so simple at that time.
Later was too late.
Once a family member takes an elder in, State feels they are best left there, barring catastrophe
--they do not consider Prevention.
The State waits until catastrophe happens, THEN might step in.
In other words, if I had let the house burn down when that burner fire started, they would have stepped in then; they might have stepped in, if she had been making her worst accusations when they came to the house, but I was the one with the bruises on the arms, not her..
But they refused to help, if it was merely a matter of nasty living conditions.

Mom refused to allow the Social Workers to look into her room.
I showed them a photo, but that was not much considered.
I had already got rid of the mess she'd made in the hallway, as it blocked anyone else using the bathroom.
In the eyes of the State, she was OK where she was.
None would listen to me about her abuse upon me
Caregivers are not well-protected from that at all, not in their home, & not in institutions.
There are holes in our Systems--need work to get them working better.

I finally had to get out of that trench & take a different path, for my own safety, and to better care for my own family..
I took that responsibility as long as able to do so, but no longer.
I pray my siblings do not have to go thru what we did at our place. OTH, maybe they should...maybe then, they will see thru her delusional accusations...but the damages are pretty much done--
I do not feel safe letting them into my life anymore--they devolve into Mom's behaviors targeted at me...
I chose to change--they have not, as far as I can see.
That causes people to behave oddly, when one person they are used to seeing behave like them, suddenly changes...they must change, or must leave me out of their lives, since I no longer want to act like them.
Sound familiar?
It is--it's repeated often in Dependent/Co-dependent healing circles: A person can change, & those around them must also change, or these must part ways.
My family members parted ways from me, the one who chose change.
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I think these are 2 different agencies.
When I called to make appointment for Social Services to come out, I started by contacting our Area Agency on Aging.
Hospitals have Social Workers, too.
If I intended to stir up a hornets nest, I would have called APS directly--kinda like calling CPS directly--or, started by calling 911 and filing a report that some sort of abuse or neglect might be happening---but since Mom was living under our roof, I knew there was no intentional abuse or harm to her--there was to ME though!
But APS was not concerned about protecting me, even though I am disabled--I am abled enough, they figured I should be fine. .

Anyone with an at-risk friend or family, can call 911 IN the tTown where the at-risk person is; ask sheriff/police/911 people to do a health/wellness check on the at-risk person. Tell them your concerns, they go check at that address.
They report if the person let them in, talked with them, or otherwise needed help or refused it. They write their report. They include [supposed to] what they saw in or around the home.
They might also speak with neighbors about the at-risk person.
ADVICE:
Hoarders do not "do" maintenance like cleaning / making order of chaos--probably most of their lives. Order is beyond them.
There are many causes.
Hoarders do not call or allow help, unless they cannot cope--and often, not even then. Piles of junk can cave in on them, and it makes no difference. They can injure themselves on the junk, complain terribly of injuries, yet refuse to clean up.
Their fear of change, invasion, losing control, fear...you get the picture.
Their fears do not allow them to let people in, much less to allow cleaning to happen.
They will usually feel terrible about the mess, but powerless change, barring catastrophe--and even then, will return to pathological hoarding as soon as they can manage to do it, as that is their comfort zone. .

In Mom's case, she & her DH had lived as they did, for almost 30 years...being careful. Then he had a heart attack, got hospitalized. While they were both out of house, someone turned on the gas heater in the bathroom...one of the few appliances that almost still worked...it could have been Mom taking a bath, but it coulda been someone else--not naming names--but someone intending to put a stop to them moving back home for good and all.

The next day, we went to pick up a few things she wanted; the gas on the kitchen stove was on to several burners--another attempt to blow the place up
...not saying it was a certain person, but it seemed to point that way
...for all the right reasons, the wrong thing.
It nearly blew us up, as one of us was smoking when the front door was opened...
We were all trying to respect her rights to privacy--but at some point, it had to come down to whether to allow them to die in that terrible mess,
or make it impossible for them to move back home, by taking advantage of the circumstances.
Not all elders in that mess, have an emergency situation yet.
But sooner or later, one happens.
IF an elder like that is hospitalized, one might take advantage of that, by reporting it to Social Services at that point, letting them know that now the elder is in the care of the hospital, they really need to make sure the elder never returns home--perhaps move them to some level of elder care home...just not their own home now...the hospital that allows an elder who is not thinking clearly, to move back to unsafe conditions, might be accused of elder neglect, or "patient abandonment"
IF the hospital does it, THEY are the "bad guy" in your Mom's eyes.
If you did it, she'd be furious at you.

My Mom didn't blame her kids for her house fire; one of them might have turned on the gas on the stove...trying to help things get closed down.
The hospital that treated her DH, was OK sending him to shelter in my sibling's home, with hospice called in. That worked until Mom begged me to bring them 2 States away to live with us...
THAT was a big mistake.
I was willing to put up with a certain amount of her hoarding, and a certain amount of her filth, but when she caused a burner fire, kept lighting candles in her room with the piles of stuff, escalated being emotionally, verbally & physically abusive, it was past-time for her to get moved out.
It was amazingly hard to get any agency to help that process.
LUCKILY, though, her own mouth and propensity for saying horrible things about a target person [me] ended up getting her moved out of here by my siblings
--who bought into her rantings hook-line-&-sinker.
I dislike what they did, but there is not much I can do about it
...and the end result was, she no longer lives here.

IF no other people are around to take her in, & you are out of state,
that might be your opening to get Social Services to help find her safer shelter near where she currently is, instead of making you take her in--I highly advise that taking her in, given her habits, could be dangerous for you, as she WILL do at your place, as she did at her place.

Social Services is not necessarily APS, and, they should not prevent you from getting POA or Guardianship...no proof you caused your Mom harm.
She has not been living under your roof yet, though--if she was, they wouldn't be helping find her alternate shelter.
It sounds like they would only be stepping in to make sure she is safe, then moving her into safer shelter where there could be some assistance when they can see she needs it--but States are broke--they will put it off as long as possible.
IF you are the only child, you still could end up with POA and guardianship, even if APS handles the case.

Hoarding cases are very tough...not so much demented people, just very fearful. not rational, but not necessarily mentally ill...though some could easily debate that, since anyone who hoards badly, has SOMEthing unbalanced, particularly when they are not doing anything constructive with their hoarded stuff.

Mom mostly sifted thru her stuff; rarely did anything with it by the time she got to our place...she did move as much to other storage places as allowed
--she finally went ballistic when I refused to help her hoard one more thing...
I drove her up to visit her hoarded junk at a rural site, left her there,
then informed my sibling where she was, that he was needed to give her a ride now, that I was refusing to give her rides now, since she had started using any rides as a place to attack me.
Then I walked out and drove away.
He brought her home later, but things got worse yet.
Sibling not happy. Mom furious.
Social workers had been to the house about 2 weeks prior.
Within about a week, she was moved to another state with another sibling.
==Might call that a "perfect storm" of events, that ended up with the necessary results.
It was hell to go thru, but it worked.
Because of Mom's terrible habit of making awful false accusations, all my siblings refuse to include me in family anything, for several years now.

Last time Mom tried to call, was several months ago--drunk, trying to get me hooked back into doing her dysfunctional bidding.
They have all said and done some rotten things.
I forgive them, but not required to let them back into my life to keep doing that stuff.
I can best honor Mom by doing what is needed to heal my hurts, & remember the good things she did do...hold onto those & let memories of the bad stuff fall away...just not allow myself to get sucked back into that ever again.

I pray you find the best way for your Mom to get help.
She will not likely seek it herself, unless something forces the issue.
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Chimonger, a few questions inspired by your post....

- How is Social Services different from Adult Protective Services?
- I had wondered about 911, I thought you could only call if it were an emergency? I am in another state so would calling 911 for my mother's city work? I can picture this coming up.

My mother too is a hoarder and the state of her home is of concern to me. She has had some falls but apparently has really strong bones and not broken anything. She refuses to wear a life alert. She has crap all over the floor only very narrow clear spaces to walk. I have begged her to hire regular help for all the household stuff (including clearing walking spaces) that she's unwilling to do so - she adamantly refuses, tells me she doesn't want people in her space and how she lives is "good enough" and how she's "very careful". I'm not sure where the line is between respecting her rights as an independent person and allowing a dangerous situation to exist. She has always been a hoarder and had trouble with housekeeping so these are not new things - just more dangerous to her now that she's elderly.
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Chimonger, if I might ask without giving offense, but why did you let her in your home, knowing the conditions she created around her?
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It can be difficult. If the elder is able to buffalo their way passed testing, as Mom could, then psych evaluators will not pick up o the dementia. My Mom has been lying to cover her behind and mental ills all her life, so she's REAL good at it.
In that case, I just let go and let God...that is, other family finally jumped forward, believing her accusations, and came and got her out of our home.
It was an ugly process.
We'd already had Social Services out to the house to evaluate for 2 hours--they needed to stay just about 1/2 hour longer, to see her start her behaviors...she was able to put on a pretty good front for 2 hrs, then she started losing grip...but by then, they had gone.
She'd been in the hospital for an emergency situation [bleeding], yet, the psych eval failed to show the Doc her behaviors--she stayed only overnight, and staff is very busy. They had a sitter with her, due to her sometimes suicidal statements.
But the sitter failed to pick up on her behaviors either--but then, sitters are not trained in psychology, either.
So she escaped true evaluation there too.
We did make a few calls to 911 to request wellness checks, when Mom was in her own home. It didn't reveal anything then, except the huge mess they lived in, and the filthy chronic hoarding
--they were not able to get her out of there, until there was a fire--nothing huge, and no one was home, but firemen had to traipse thru the place
---which got reported to County, which meant the place was condemned for human habitation.
Which was how she was finally removed from her home, and step one of how she ended up living with us for 6 years...and it then took nearly an act of congress to get her out of our house, when she was endangering us.
.
Legal guardianship and POA's are a good thing, when done right.
Mom chose to give those to my siblings.
I just let it all go.
SOmetimes, one or more kids cannot cope with the elder's behaviors.
It is OK to let others take over care.

I hope you find a way that works for you..
Perhaps start by calling "Wellness Checks" on your Mom, via 911.
It can be anonymous.
Those reports have descriptions, and are legal records, and describe situation so others can use those reports as part of assessments of the elder.
If conditions inside the house and grounds are bad enough,
Social Services get called in.
Social Services are NOT APS, but, can involve that agency, if needed.
But usually Soc. Services try to work with family members.
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Fairydust...I think there is probably some help for you and your mother in your area, but I'm not sure that it is with Protective Services. APS may vary in various parts of the country, but my impression is that they step-in to protect a person, especially senior citizens, from being harmed by others, not by their own doing. I believe that is due to privacy and legal issues. In my state, the spouse is not considered to be in the category of "others" either. So, a husband or wife can mistreat the other and that is not actionable by adult protection laws. In my state the "protection" or action by authorities can be brought towards children, family members and beyond which maybe harming a senior citizen. If a person is harming themselves or a spouse is doing it...they are given a pass.

There are other organizations around that can help, where the laws don't. I would ask someone at a local senior center, adult day car, elder care, police/sheriff, hospital or non-profit coordination group if you have one in your area, to get ideas on what, if anything, is available where your mother lives. Just the comments on here about APS...both good and bad...would lead me to only call them at last resort. I would investigate other services in your area and research the trials and tribulations of aging parents (many good articles & experiences shared on this site) before going to APS.
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The level of care you get from APS depends on the staff and funding in your local community. If the elderly person gets violent but also bruises easily and you are having difficulty with them discussing their need for help, please do not attempt to do this on your own. In many states, should the elderly person become physically violent and you defend yourself but they are the one showing the bruises and you are not, the police will have no choice but to put one of you in jail- most likely you. So whatever you do, do not engage in any conversation with this person which could lead to a domestic dispute situation in which the police will have no choice but to have you arrested.
If the person becomes tempermental- just walk away from the situation until you can get a witness. Try getting mediation first. If you call APS they may send the police and not necessarily inform the police of what all transpired ahead of time-- their role is to protect the elderly person at all costs-- if your voice sounds young over the phone, they are even more likely to send the police at your expense -- The older the person gets, the more demented they get, the higher the probability of them becoming both verbally and physically abusive-- so please take care of yourself first... Good luck!
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You can find a caregiver who can make her feel comfortable and easy. It can put an end to your worries too. Try hiring a good and experienced caregiver.
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I called different number for help. I got Adult Protective Services they came out two to three times (November, January) said my mother was fine to get her to a family doctor. She refused for my brother nor I. This past May I went down to help things were a mess police and adult protective services. Florida has Baker Act and twice she was during the month I was there. They gave guardianship to a non-profit over me since I was in the house attempting to take care of her and she was baker act while I was in there. Watch with Adult Protective Services. They advised me to call the police and now that I have my mom was taken from her family since she has money. They are using it up and then maybe they will let her go to her family if it is not to late for her to remember us. She was diganosed in May with dementia--two year into it. So much for APS saying she was ok.
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2donewithcrying - could I clarify - if APS demands she have 24/7 care, but she is not demented and eligible for a conservatorship and thus cannot be forced to accept care, how did they expect you to get her into a facility against her will? You were supposed to pull a gun on her? Can they actually force you to take care of someone who abuses you? There is something drastically wrong if you can be forced to be abused .
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Fairydust, I just read your prior post. My mother is your mothers twin sister. My mother fought tooth and nail and was mean as hell. She was mean to more caregivers than I care to remember. But we didn't quit, we couldn't APS told us what would be done or else. She is now accepting all and any help, she says thank you and time spent with her is now a joy. She used to enjoy throwing mud in your face that is all gone now and like I said she is a blessing, I would defintely talk to an attorney first before contacting APS they are not the nicest people to deal with, I guess they have heard it all. Trust me you are not alone in this dilemma hope for the best and accept what you cannot change.
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My family went thru this. Adult protective service sent us a letter and a copy of the law. The told us what was expected, Mom to have 24/7 care in home or facility and that each person was responsible and would be held liable if we did not put this in place. No discussion with APS just the letter of the law.
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Is there any way I can have a said in my mother care if my sister as power of attorney? I live 2 hours away. i am receive calls from my mother friends. My mother is very angry and is always fighting with friends and family. Mother won't go in assisted living. I can't do anything with her. I have spent my vacation helping her. She ended up locking me out I had to leave because she wouldn't let me back in. I have tried talking to her but she doesn't think she did anything. I had home health care and the doctors office call me. I finally told them the situation. I worry about my mother but I don't feel I can go help her alone. My sister doesn't want me involved. I feel like I need to help but legally I can't . I believe my sister is taking my mothers money I have proof but the bank doesn't want to get involved. i full guilty about this situation. If I say anything my mother doesn't like she calls my sister. My sister then sends me a nasty text. Any ideas this is breaking my heart. I a being told that even is my mother has dementia she can stay in her home alone.
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I don't know everything I'm not a license person but I have been in the medical field almost 40 yrs in many positions 1/2 of that patient care - clinic ,hospital ,private duty in home and hospital and then theres my own personal experience which probably was the most challenging and most difficult. I know everyones situiation is different but there comes a time when u have to step away emotionally, I know easier said than done. Stop trying to please that person when you know matter u do it won't happen. Evaluate the situation , if you're asking for help then you must know something has to be done. I Really would suggest seeking an attorney someone experienced in this area . You don't Have to do what he suggest and you could seek a second opinion but this may be your only awnser . An attorney can advise you on the issue of APS and like I said earlier Dr.'s don't want to get involved. When it concerns her welfare which would be worse having her hate you or something happening to her. If your mother has allways been this way is she really going to change now? It sounds like you're trying to handle this yourself , that can be hard not having support. Take care of yourself make sure you find me time . Best wishes
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Thank you all for your responses! I was really down when no one answered my posts and had given up, so I am so glad to see your responses. It is concerning to me that it seems experiences with APS run the gamut - it could be a godsend to call them or it could make things worse. No guarantees I guess. My mother would pass any competence test and she is a good "showtimer" so there's no way I would get guardianship at this point. If APS inspected her home though they would see the problems, but if she is forced to accept aid based on how her relationship has always been with me she will cut me out of her life in a New York minute. So if I do bring in outsiders it has to be completely necessary and the only option left. Someone above wrote about how she would "get over it" not this woman...she still holds grudges for when I hurt her feelings back when I was five years old. There are deep issues between us that existed long before she became elderly and they complicate things now. If there were any relative who she were willing to respect and listen to, any doctor, any clergy....well I'd be begging them to help right now. But there is no one and she is a force unto herself. And maybe that was okay when she could manage better, but I fear a showdown is coming.
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I would suggest to you to stay away from Adult Protective Services, at least at this time. From my experiences, once they get involved, it is not going to be in your hands anymore. I think that you need to spend some time with your mother and explain where she is at in her life. You need to tell her that she took care of you, now it is time for you to help take care of her. You might want to read my posts about my father. lostfamily. You need to have the Power of Attorney, both medical and Durable, you need to let your mother know if the county or state get involved, she may not be able to make her own decisions, they can move her into a nursing home and use her money to pay for it. Does she have money to live on, get her to visit a Assistant Living Facility, is her Trust up to date, Use the financial issues to show her want can or can not happen if she does not except help. You need to explore options, a lot of parents move-in with there children, is that a option! You say she will not listen to you, I think you would be surprised how much work it takes to finally get a parent to listen, remember, they have not had to do anything that they wanted to do there whole life. Remind her that when you were her responsible, how hard a time she had making you listen to her. Get her involved in the next step of her life, make her understand that she needs to make the right decisions, and that you will work hard to make those things happen.
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