BrendaLee1 Asked August 2012

My mother is supposed to live with me. She likes to go to my brother's house, but he hounds her until she gives him all her money and pills. What can I do?

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She likes to go there to see her grandson. Last month she wrote him checks for $600 that I had to cover. This month she gave him her room and board money. He tells her to give him her medication and she does. If I say anything I'm the bad guy. I have power of attorney, but the lawyer says it really has no "teeth" because it's revocable. My brother is 49 and has been living off her his whole life. Of course, she sticks up for him. He needs money. He needs pills. Blah, blah. I go between wanting to throw my hands up & disown them both just to get rid of the problem and knowing my 77 yr. old physically handicapped mother really needs to be protected from him, and even from herself, since she cannot refuse him all her money and pills. What can I do?

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BrendaLee: Your situation is very difficult. You have POA for your mom, but as long as she is of sound mind, you really can't take actions on her behalf that go against her wishes.

Your mom has been bailing out your brother for many years, so that's not new behavior on her part that would constitute incompetence. It's just the same old bad judgement she has always shown.

If she use to be responsible about paying her bills and is now letting them go, that might be a sign that she is showing some mental decline. Still, her doctor would have to agree that she is not capable of making sound decisions for your authority as POA to go into effect. I don't know how that process works where you live, but you could ask your attorney. Are you able to speak privately with her doctor?

My gut feeling is that you are stuck in a bad situation. If you make too many waves, your mom may remove you as her POA. So tread carefully.

How old is your mom and how long has she been living with you? Why was she in a nursing home?

Hugs, Cattails
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BrendaLee1 Aug 2012
Thank you so much. It's nice to know we're not alone - others have experienced these problems, too. I will call APS to get their suggestions. It's hard enough to care for an elderly parent - no one needs the additional drama of a drug addicted sibling in the picture. I don't know if my Mom is of sound mind, legally. She's pretty good about things except where my brother is concerned. I do know she doesn't like to pay her bills - she ran up a large bill at the nursing home because she refused to pay her patient pay amount (guess where that money went?) What I'd like to do is have some kind of control so that she cannot give him her money or medication. Any ideas?
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NancyH Aug 2012
I never have understood why the ONE adult (supposedly), sibling/child that has been the leech all their lives to their parents, seemingly get away with anything they darn well please. No matter how and when they screw up, the parent/parents are ALWAYS there to clean up their mess and protect them. And the adult kid who is the responsible sane one gets the shaft. Don't understand it. Never will.
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You could talk to Adult Protective Services. Discuss the situation with them and see if they can keep your name anonymous. You don't say anything about your mom not being of sound mind. You might consider having your nephew come to your house for visits with your mom. Your brother will fight this, because it's not in his interest. That's why I am suggesting APS. Your mom is getting taken advantage of and it is affecting your life and ability to care for her. Cattails
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