I bend over backward to take care of my mother and my brother only sees her once in a while. My brother gets all of the praises. How can I deal?

Welcome to my world. I grew up in a traditional family where the men were put on pedastels and the women scurried around doing all the "grunt" work.
The short answer, is that your mom will not change. I just had an argument with my Mother the other day about my brother. He hasn't been out to see her in almost 3 years, took money from her that he never paid back, and is lazy as can be. Yet, she makes excuses for him and blames herself that he doesn't bother to come see her. He has "important" work to do, but I am expected to leave my work behind every time she needs something including calling me a hundred times a day.
I finally told her that if she thinks that she can get a better deal living with her favorite shild, she is more than welcomed to go there. Of course, she hasn't taken me up on it.
I am a caregiver because it is the right thing to do. As far as finding it rewarding...I haven't yet.
good luck,
Lilli

There may be hope for all: the other day I told my Mother who lives with me now, that my sister was coming for a visit: her first born, always favored daughter, the perfect, golden child. Mother asked, "Who?", and I explained. She looked at me and said, "Oh. I only think of you now. I love you." I went in the other room and cried. If only she had said that 50 years ago, just once. Have faith, and EXPECT good things to happen:) Hugs

Boy do i ever understand this. Same scenario here too. For all my life this has been going on and it was always the same when ever my Brother would visit. I don't know if it started out because he looked so much like our Dad who died when we were only 7 and 8 yrs. old. But he has always been the favorite of the four of us and of the four i was the one to always be there for her and do anything she asked. But I never received the praise or the thanks that he did whenever he chose to be around. The way he treated her sometimes just made me sick! but she always made excuses for him. I don't really get why, but maybe that is one of those question we never get answered...though I have asked. Since I have been taking total care of her in my home we have become closer but the friction is still there at times between us.
Sometimes we just need to hear the praise to feel appreciated and when we don't get it it hurts. But I know now that she loves me and she has even told me she wasn't close to her mother either. That it was one of those era's where women had to be strong and the men babied. I guess the era never completely goes away :) For the most part I'm OK with it and think that Hey this is the way I was made...to be a caregiver and I cant change who I am so I have , most of the time anyway, decided to forge ahead and scrape up any little pat I can get :) I feel your Frustration and Please know that you are worthy of the Praise even if it's not given by the one your caring for.

One of those un-dealable hassles we just have to deal with. I know it is petty and unfix-able, but I actually resent that my sibling and cousin will get the exact same amount of inheritance when my grandfather dies while I have been the 24/7 care giver poop cleaner upper pill dispenser meal fixer doctor appointment scheduler and taker (in cab as I don't drive) etc etc etc for four years now...I imagine it is crass but I feel annoyed by it and there is NOTHING to do about it but just go on. Maybe it is a pay it forward some place else I don't know.
Any chance you can get some extra help? Or have your brother do something?

It is the same all over. Do not take it personally as others have said but that is hard to do. I had a similar situation. My brother rarely came to see my mom even though he lived in the same town. I traveled 3 hours each way on the weekends to see my mom and spend time with her. At the end when my brother did come to see her and ask if she needed anything she said, "No, my daughter has it all under control." Sometimes they do see what you are doing. In my brother's defense, he was only 33 years old. He did not know how to handle my mother's cancer and what it was doing to her. Years later when my father was ill and I was the favorite child, my brother made a much more concerted effort to be there for him. He had learned his lesson too hard and too late. Remember why you are caring for your mother. It is out of love. She loves you but many cannot express it when they need to. We all love you for what you are doing as we have done it too.

When my mother landed in the E.R. and then was admitted to the hospital, my sister set aside her work, went to the hospital, spent all waking hours there except for when she went to my mother's home and took care of things there, dealt with the doctors and absolutely everything. (I was out of the country.) After two solid days of this my brother showed up. Our mother looked at him and said -- like in a bad movie from generations ago -- "At last! My savior!" Can you freaking believe it? I mean, you can't make this s--t up.

It helps to be superclear why you're doing what you're doing -- if it's to get back appreciation, then you're going to be miserable not getting the appreciation. If it's because you think it's the right thing to do, then appreciation would be really nice and would make it easier but it doesn't define your success or failure. In the end, all we have is the memory of our own behavior.

Besides all the true things that people have said about the gender stuff, there's the opposite-sex-parent thing. The daughters are usually the favorites of the fathers, right?

Plus there's the Prodigal Son thing. The one who's never there, when he (or she!) does come it's a big event.

Good luck.

Hi there,

I can relate to your dilemma and for now, I am just trying to go with the flow and let it go. My brother lives in Orlando and he can't help it. His wife comes up here sometimes but she is more of a pain and just does it to be nosey more than anything else. I would just suggest to let it go like I am trying to do, but it's not always easy (lol).;-)

I know what every one is saying, it is so prevalent...I am the bitter pill on the site so take all I say with a grain of someone else salt, my father also had no use for me and there was sexual abuse in our family so it is a bit more than just not getting along issues..I know when my mom needs care this is gonna get thick...maybe I will go first...That would be OK too. these 39 years have been a real pain so far...
It is just so sad, little things over and over, how they snap at the one doing all the work and revel in the minuscule time granted by the lazy, long gone child...even if they just live across town!!!

I find myself in a similar situation. The only way I have gotten through it is this: ask yourself why you are care-giving and focus on the answers you give yourself. Hopefully, you are caring for another because it is the right thing to do and when all is said and done, you can be proud that you did the right thing when it was needed. This is not something a sibling who offered no help can ever say to themselves.
Give yourself permission to be bitter, resentful, angry, and vent as needed but also make an effort to put those thoughts away, knowing you can think about them again tomorrow. If your mom wants to talk about your brother, you don't have to listen, change the topic, excuse yourself from the room, or whatever you have to do--taking control of at least that little bit for yourself will help you out.
It might also be helpful to ask your brother for specific things he could do for your mom and force him to respond. Even if you know the answer is "no". I did this because I felt better knowing that my sibling could never say to me, "you didn't ask for help, so it isn't my fault, I didn't know."

I have one better or worse depending on how you look at it. My husband is the one that gets the praise from both of my parents. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man and helps with them when he can, but I am the one here all day with them. ANYTIME someone stops by my Mom is always telling them how wonderful her son-in-law is and how he does EVERYTHING for her. Just yesterday when I was insisting that they have a bath and put on clean clothes they started yelling at me and telling me how "Glenn doesn't treat us like this". My parents have been with me for almost 2 years now and I have learned to put the bad feelings aside for most of the time. Don't get me wrong it still hurts, but I know who is doing all the caregiving, bathing, cleaning up poop, fixing meals, changing beds, etc. I have no idea why my parents feel this way, I just think they are very frustrated to be in a place where they have lost most of their independance and I'm the one they take it out on.