I bend over backward to take care of my mother and my brother only sees her once in a while. My brother gets all of the praises. How can I deal?

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This might not be a question that everyone ask-My mother has two children and I am the one that take care of her but brother left the house. I gave my lving to take care of my mother-cannot go anywhere for long-In my opinion I take very good care of her- my brother on the other hand can waltz in here and tell her- have I told you later that I love you and he can get anything he wants-but on the other hand if she ask me how I am feeling and I tell her that I am not feeling so well -guess what the conversation stop there-she does not say I hope that you feel better. But I bend over backward taking care of her and my brother get all of the praises and she only see him once in while. What do anyone has to say to this? Please make me understand .

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My sister and I are in the same situation. Brother moves away and only sees our mother once every two months. Calls once or twice a week. He usually gets all the praise while my sister and I take her abuse. We see her every week, call every day. So frustrating but I think I have figured it out some what. His childhood was not the happiest as we left home and he was alone with our mother. She is running on guilt for how she treated him and to make it right in her dementia mind she will listen to him, dote on him, etc. Hope this helps you. I also feel a lot is just plain old Kharma. Our souls keep connecting and we are here to learn from our past lives together. I hope my mother can come to terms with her life before she crosses over. I also hope I do not have to come back and do this again with her! Making it as nice as possible so I can clean the chalk board and be done with it. All we can do is let them know that we love them and try not to resent our brother!
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I have the same problem. My sister can do no wrong in my mother's eyes, when in reality, she is a lazy, worthless bum. But hey, I'm not bitter! I watched a movie once and the daughter asked the mom why the sister got all Mom's attention and praise. Basically, Mom said it was because she knew the capable sister really was capable and didn't need help, but she had always known the "bum" sister would never be able to function alone. In the teeniest way, this did help me when I thought of my situation. Mom knows I am the one to call for help everytime and I tell myself that has to be a good reflection on me. I very often still have thoughts of kicking Sis in the butt, to put it mildly. I also try to find other people in my life who do see the real picture, and they help soothe my hurt feelings. I don't think it will ever not hurt. You are not alone and thank God you are there to do the right thing for you Mom. Best wishes, Karen
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er a guilty conscience...hehehehe
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...just remembered something else...
Awhile ago, I read an article written by a gerontologist. When he was asked what made the difference between parents living in their home for as long as possible or being sent to a facility, he replied, "a good daughter."
(...of course, there are many lovely men on this site who are stepping up to take care of their parents...I truly wish that you were not a minority...)
Lilli
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Bonnie: I hear that. The other day my Mom was all worried about sending off a check to my absentee sib, for Christmas, and asked what she should get my husband and even my dog. I think I just became invisible....can anyone see me??? :o)
With my Mom, I think it is that old standby of deferring to men for anything "important." I take care of my business accounting, taxes, Mom's accounts and investments, everything financial, but guess who Mom asks for financial advice?....any man within a 20 mile radius.
My new mantra is, "nothing is ever easy." I try not to take things personally, but when it's thrown in your face, it's kinda hard to miss.
I do not want my Mom to stop communicating with my sib...I just want her to take off those rose colored glasses that are permenantly affixed to her face. I want fairness and I no longer want to hear another thing about my brother's adventures.
Looking back, I can see that my Mom did not foster any kind of sibling kindness or closeness. In fact, she resented anytime we did anything together. She drove a wedge between us, doted on him, to the point of creating a big baby-man, and made sure the focus was entirely on her.
So I am left with little family to depend on. It's just me and the hub and our good friends...perhaps that is a blessing in disguise.
Hang in there, everyone...Lilli
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I have one better or worse depending on how you look at it. My husband is the one that gets the praise from both of my parents. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man and helps with them when he can, but I am the one here all day with them. ANYTIME someone stops by my Mom is always telling them how wonderful her son-in-law is and how he does EVERYTHING for her. Just yesterday when I was insisting that they have a bath and put on clean clothes they started yelling at me and telling me how "Glenn doesn't treat us like this". My parents have been with me for almost 2 years now and I have learned to put the bad feelings aside for most of the time. Don't get me wrong it still hurts, but I know who is doing all the caregiving, bathing, cleaning up poop, fixing meals, changing beds, etc. I have no idea why my parents feel this way, I just think they are very frustrated to be in a place where they have lost most of their independance and I'm the one they take it out on.
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There may be hope for all: the other day I told my Mother who lives with me now, that my sister was coming for a visit: her first born, always favored daughter, the perfect, golden child. Mother asked, "Who?", and I explained. She looked at me and said, "Oh. I only think of you now. I love you." I went in the other room and cried. If only she had said that 50 years ago, just once. Have faith, and EXPECT good things to happen:) Hugs
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I find myself in a similar situation. The only way I have gotten through it is this: ask yourself why you are care-giving and focus on the answers you give yourself. Hopefully, you are caring for another because it is the right thing to do and when all is said and done, you can be proud that you did the right thing when it was needed. This is not something a sibling who offered no help can ever say to themselves.
Give yourself permission to be bitter, resentful, angry, and vent as needed but also make an effort to put those thoughts away, knowing you can think about them again tomorrow. If your mom wants to talk about your brother, you don't have to listen, change the topic, excuse yourself from the room, or whatever you have to do--taking control of at least that little bit for yourself will help you out.
It might also be helpful to ask your brother for specific things he could do for your mom and force him to respond. Even if you know the answer is "no". I did this because I felt better knowing that my sibling could never say to me, "you didn't ask for help, so it isn't my fault, I didn't know."
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I know what every one is saying, it is so prevalent...I am the bitter pill on the site so take all I say with a grain of someone else salt, my father also had no use for me and there was sexual abuse in our family so it is a bit more than just not getting along issues..I know when my mom needs care this is gonna get thick...maybe I will go first...That would be OK too. these 39 years have been a real pain so far...
It is just so sad, little things over and over, how they snap at the one doing all the work and revel in the minuscule time granted by the lazy, long gone child...even if they just live across town!!!
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Hi there,

I can relate to your dilemma and for now, I am just trying to go with the flow and let it go. My brother lives in Orlando and he can't help it. His wife comes up here sometimes but she is more of a pain and just does it to be nosey more than anything else. I would just suggest to let it go like I am trying to do, but it's not always easy (lol).;-)
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