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I am 28 and my brother is 23. We both live with my mom, who is 57 and has stage 4 breast cancer. She is doing relatively well for right now, still works and drives. I plan on leaving next year to live with my boyfriend.
My mother favors my brother and we get along well when he's not home. When he is home, she is abusive towards me emotionally and calls me names. My brother has never helped in my mothers care. She almost died in the ICU twice and he was not there. She had emergency surgery and he left to go to Detroit-my boyfriend had to go sit in the hospital until I was able to leave work to be there. I go to her often 7 hour appointments. His girlfriend calls my mother the c... With cancer and calls me "fat Voldemort". He has a supplemental teaching position (gets paid a small amount of money at the end of the contract) but otherwise does not pay his own bills. My mom pays for his cellphone and car insurance and clothes/living expenses.
When I was working in a bank, I saw that my moms account (at the time my brother and I were on it) was having funds taken out by my brother that my mom didn't know about or authorize. She took his name off and left mine on but always threatens to remove it because "I hate my brother so much". Last week, I caught my brother trying to take money out of her purse when she was asleep twice. I took her purse and locked it in my room. When my mom found out she accused ME of stealing and said brother could never do that, even though I have proven he has before. I don't need to steal-I'm a teacher and my boyfriend has a phD.
Can someone please tell me what to do. My mothers health will decline and I know my brother will continue to take from her purse and maybe do worse. My uncle is my moms POA and I am her health POA and on her bank account. I know some may say not to leave but I will lose my sanity if I don't.

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GA I agree. Also, this little sh*t is 23, which in today's terms all too often means still a child. One might think it wrong, and a bad idea, but in the mother's eyes he remains a dependent child and that is how she wants him treated.

He's in for a shock when he finds out how the world actually works.

But Flash, while your mother's treatment of you is unkind and unfair, your brother's failings do not have to add to your burden of responsibility. Decide what you are prepared to do for your mother regardless of your brother's input or lack of it. Set those boundaries and stick to them. And what happens beyond them - well, let your mother take the consequences of her own decisions. Your boyfriend is right: don't let this small part of it invade your whole life.
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I've just reread almost the entire thread and think there may be another reason why Mom is tolerating financial abuse by your brother.

He's still her son, regardless of what he's doing or not doing. She's got Stage IV cancer; it's a terminal stage or close to it. She knows her time is limited. And she'd like to see her son and daughter get along, hopefully before she dies. Who would want to leave this world knowing that the two children she bore and raised are feuding with each other?

She may also feel that she can win his affection, which she doesn't seem to have, by indulging him financially.

Doesn't change the situation, but perhaps it helps to explain the complex dynamics of this family.
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If you hang around...YOU will get the blame...for everything...! Either Get a Lawyer..and fight like h*ll..get a POA on her..and just Make her do what you and the lawyer think is best...or CUT OUT ...and when your brother has drained her of everything and she is out on the street...she will then want you...after it is all over and done...and your brother will prob need a place to live too...THERE IS NEVER A WIN WIN
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Don't forget to have your mom resend her medical POA and reassign it to your brother. My mom is very similar to yours, so I know how painful this is. We can't change the past, but we can avoid repeating it. You deserve a loving life and mom just can't provide the love or respect you should be receiving. ((HIGS))
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Pipruby, one problem is that if there is evidence of gifting to brother, she will not be able to get support from Medicaid, there will be a penalty period. That's why she's worried she could end up stuck with bills for care unless brother is stopped from taking more than trivial amounts of money.
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Mother feels guilty for how brother turned out/still thinks she can fix brother, and does not realize that giving him more money or more anything will make him worse not better.

You can't fix this for her while she is still competent. You don't cosign for anything you can't afford to pay for yourself, and you knew better though Mom didn't. Adults should rarely if ever need other adults to cosign anything for them.

Save up some money for an eldercare attorney to step in and remove a neglectful financial POA and/or get guardianship in the future, and watch as well as you can; and/or keep Adult Protective contacts handy. I'm just glad brother is not POA or she'd have been wiped out already.
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My mother also asked me to be a cosigner on brothers bank account....I laughed and said get real!!! She put HERSELF on his account...l explained to her that when he goes negative the money would be taken out of her account! She didn't care. Her assets are not substantial (teachers retirement and the house/car). My boyfriend wants me to cut my losses and move on (he is well off).
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Thank you for all of your answers. This "sibling rivalry" goes back many years, but has gotten worse since my brother has dated his current girlfriend. My mother would not make me her POA because "I would not be fair to my brother". I do not speak to my father-when she got cancer he was also abusive to her and we lived for years in a hoard. She divorced him and bought a condo. I am Moms secondary POA (in case my uncle dies first) and her healthcare POA (I am good at talking to docs).
My boyfriend plans to propose this winter so we can move in together in July. We are really both "sole caregivers" (his brother will require long term care as will his parents) so he gets the fact that I am also alone. When my mother was sicker I regularly rearranged my work schedule to help her because my brother was absent.
I have also arranged to see a counselor because I am very upset that my brother will not help me with my mother and I am upset over the way she has treated me in regards to my brother over the years. I have also arranged for a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks to clean her condo (my brother will regularly use the toilet and not flush and leaves things everywhere).
Thank you all for your kind words. I am terrified of having no help when things get worse. I am resentful of my brother not having to work, pay bills, or have an ounce of responsibility. I always thought it would be a 50/50 care taking responsibility ;(
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The only way to GET RESPECT from SOME people.....like MAMA....is to EARN your OWN LIFE.....once you CUT the UMBILICAL CORD....and remain SILENT..and LET her FIGURE things OUT....she may...or may not make the first move to reach out....if not..at least you will have a life, a love, and self respect..YOU do not have to take being belittled unless you feel you deserve it...YOU cannot protect some people...from them selves....IF she wants to play IGNORANT....let her...my brothers stole my mother blind...they wanted everything she had...stole her jewelery, dads tools...sold them...wrecked there cars...but she could never say no to them....no matter what...she got lawyers bailed them out of jail...and my older brother said..when she died..he was going to take the GOLD teeth out of her head....AND I WAS SO UPSET...but she said..let him have them if he wants them....LAWD...they do not treasure or love her...and she did not love me as I loved her...so I walked away and let her live in her own doing...my brother lived in the basement..he stayed mad for years that she would not allow him to move upstairs in the master room...as she took over my room ..well her and dad did when I left home at 17...WELL Lil brother who lived with mama over 10 years...had a stroke and his paralyzed and is now in the master bedroom...HE GOT WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED.....he prayed for it...got it....My mom had not talked to me in 1 year ...then at this Stroke...SHE CALLED...come help me...take care of your brother...you get up here...quit your job...move in my basement...and be the nurse and maid and taxi......NO I SAID.........and I meant it...3 years now....I still mean it....I KNOW what kind of head ache that would be.....HELL would be a NICER PLACE TO GO.......
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Seriously!! The original poster hasn't responded..
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Hang on a second. People are responding to this story, naturally, the way you tell it. And naturally you tell it as you see it. Understandable! And I'm not saying you're seeing it wrong. But by definition you're seeing it only from your point of view, when in fact there's a whole system going on here. You say you get along fine with your mother when your brother's not there, and you say she says "you hate your brother so much." Those are clues to the dysfunctional triangle that's happening here. From the point of view of your corner on the triangle, you're saying essentially "he's the bad guy, I'm the good guy, and Mom should favor me but doesn't." It has logic, but it's not the only logic. From the perspective of your mom's corner of the triangle there's a different story. We can't know for sure what it is, but one possibility is "I have cancer and two kids. The younger one has some serious growing up to do around responsibility and money; the older one is forever trying to prove that she's the good one and speak against the younger one. I need this like I need a hole in the head, but they're my kids! I'm not going to kick one of them out. I've got to cope with all this as well as I can, and some days I cope better than others." Returning to you -- YOUR growth edge is to maintain as much perspective as you can and act like the grown-up-ed-est grownup you can manage to be. None of us can know exactly what that will look like -- leave, don't leave, continue to help your mom, adjust the level of involvement, whatever. It's certainly grownup to tell the strictest truest truth possible, and to figure out what's small and what's large and let go of the small stuff. We spend our whole lives working to be grown up in those ways, it's not over until we take our own last breath. The one thing that's definitely not as grown-up as you can be, is, fighting over who Mommy loves best.
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Would you agree that your brother has not yet flown the nest? If he does some teaching, he presumably has a degree and a qualification? And at 23, he can't have had much time for anything else, then? He's still living at home, he's always been financially dependent on your mother, he hasn't grown out of it yet… he's stealing from her because he can no longer ask her and he hasn't yet found an alternative source of income. Is that roughly it, or is there something else?

When you confronted your brother about taking money from your mother's purse, what did he say?

Has your mother been in the habit of paying him a regular allowance? Is it something she would like to think about doing until he secures permanent employment? If she would like to, and she can afford to, if she's competent she can do that herself and if she isn't she can ask your uncle to make the arrangements. Please note, I'm not commenting on whether or not I think that's a good idea. But your mother has clearly indulged your brother up to now, and if that's what she wants to go on doing then, I'm afraid, that is up to her.

But either way, your brother needs to get his backside into gear, grow up and leave home; the sad reality of it is that your mother will not be there to shelter him forever. Don't bother your mother with this: bother him with it. He'll make his mother's mind much easier if she sees him functioning as an independent adult - that's the best thing he can do for her.
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There are a llot of good answers here and I have to agree with almost everyone as everyone has some good point to make. My opinion is that you go to your uncle and tell him what is going on and have him talk to your mother. Tell your mother (or have uncle tell her) that you will stay with her and be there for her if your brother leaves. I can tell that you love your mother very much and are very concerned about her. However, if your mother does not want your help, if your brother does not leave and continues his dysfunctional behavior, if you have to live with any sort of emotional or verbal abuse then I would say for you to leave the situation and tell your mother you are there for her if the circumstances turn around. If you and your boyfriend are serious about your relationship than it would be a wonderful blessing to add some happiness to your life (Mom's too) and plan a nice wedding (sorry, I believe in marriage and not lving together).
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Your mother is a grown woman. She earned that money and saved it or whatever. If she wants to turn a blind eye (and she probably does indeed know what's going on), She has every right. It's her money. Unfortunately for you, you get her madness. She is being mean. Take charge off your life. You only have it once. It's not worth the emotional stress of watching the devastation first hand. She may respect you more if you put down some guidelines and leave. Who knows? anything is possible. Find some happiness. I heard this somewhere
Every 60 second of anger is a minute of happiness you never get back.
It has helped me with anger sms server anxiety.
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Move out. If you stay you need to have POA but at your age I would run as fast as I could. If you read the stories on this site you will see how much problems the main caregivers have with siblings. It is an old story but truthfully I am 60 and can handle my sibs but if I were your age I do not think that I could do it.
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I gave up 3 maybe 4 years ago on my MOM and Brother...I love my mom love my brother..since she sees things his way...THE DESERVE EACH OTHER I pray that the LORD give us all WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING I have found my PEACE...with my husband..and now he is ill..I have enough on my plate....WHATEVER HAPPENS...I LOVE MY MOM...I HONOR her in the SAME way she HONORS ME....I miss her...but LOVE works 2 ways...She has my phone number...she has my Address....we exchange cards at holidays..birthdays, and I write and send Photos of the Painting I paint of JESUS ....I hear nothing back...even when sending her a framed print..of my work! ......But that is ok....GOD IS GOOD....and I leave her in his mighty hands...If she is happy..or unhappy...I don't know...I CARE....but My caring is not wanted....so I have withdrawn it....BUT IN THE END...your choice must be...your choice..and something you can live with...for me...it was a wise choice..as my mother is a Narcissist..who drained me of every thing..money, emotion and life....!
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Put this in writing to your Uncle, and get out. It is your Uncle's responsibility. Take copies of the statements you have had access to if possible as a starting point. Don't count on inheriting anything, it is your mother's. If she has sufficient money to warrant your Uncle having a will and trust set up, ask Uncle to do so. At this point, your mother will need future care and will be broke and on state care. That is her choice.
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Question to it we have the same problem my youngest brother stole from my daddy while living. But he stole form my mother for one year and half. He did not want towork had bounce of children. Fail to take of our mother and thinking he would get more money. He put more insurance on my mother. Got to card money for him to steal money from her account. She lost lost weight unit she was weighing 87 lbs. The police and doctor file a complain against him. W e had to get law and he lie on me. my brother now is thank about whathe done to my mother and family.keep her purse lock up,
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Im not sure your brother is the favorite ir she views him as most needy...and as a mom feels the need to look after him.....my mom use to give my older 60ish brother money all the time & he stoled from her all the time as well but as she explained it to me he needed her help and thats just what mothers do.....if your uncle has Poa and you have finacial Poa u two should be banning together to protect her finances and her as well....try and figure out between the two of you how to do that. Good luck to you xoxo
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I think your boyfriend sounds like a great guy. He is obviously aware of everything that is going on, and has stayed to support you emotionally. Not every guy would go sit in the hospital with his girlfriend's mother until the girlfriend could get there. Tell your mom that you need to reduce the stress in your life and are moving out. Tell her that if she needs you, you are just a phone call away. Try to put the brother's behavior out of your mind (it's hard to do, been there, done that), and move on with your life. Also, tell the uncle what you have observed so that he can keep an eye on things.
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it is only when you are gone youre mother will see who was right, she is of sound mind and has given to him many times, it is he who has never been there to give any support, you have did all you can do. sometimes its a true saying the more you do, the less you are thought of. go and live youre life you deserve happiness, you have nothing to approach yourself for.speak to your uncle about youre concerns before you leave, her son is a taker not a giver, he will remain the same, only youre mum has herself to blame.
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The first response is to flee and put it all behind you. Unfortunately, it does not work this way for caring and compassionate people. You will feel a great deal of guilt if you leave and allow your brother to continue to steal from you mother. Talk to your uncle although this may not do you much good, because your mother may have him removed as her POA. It may do no good to use a camera to record because if your mother is in denial of your brothers behavior, then the picture may or may not make any difference. It seems you are in a lose-lose situation unless your mother catches him in the act of stealing from her. Try not to bring the focus of negative attention to yourself and bring it around so your mother is actually focusing her attention on your brother. I know this sounds hard but your mother seems to be focused on you, because she believes you hate your brother. Assure your mother you love him and you wish him the very best and are very concerned for him, because what is he going to do, when your mother dies and is no longer there to support him. Your brother is still young by today's standards, as are you, and he can still turn his life around and do many good things. It is shameful of your brothers girl friend to speak like that about your mother and you, but that just shows you her despicable nature and not your true character.
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Talk to your uncle. Apprise him of the situation, As her POA the next step will be his acting as your Mum's legal agent.

So sorry for this.
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Clearly your brother is your mother's favorite & nothing is going to change that. Obsessing on your brother's behavior does nothing for you---if your mother cannot figure out that he is stealing money, not pulling his own weight, etc., it's her problem & not yours. It's her house & how she pays for it is her business, not yours. It's her money & how she spends it is her business, not yours. Take the money for the 1/3 house payment & get your own place, remove yourself from the daily madness. You cannot control what your mother does with her money---she must have known that your brother took money from her bank account because she gets the statements. If she doesn't know how much money she has in her wallet & your brother is taking cash, that's her problem. This has nothing to do with her cancer--this has to do with your brother's behavior & being enabled by your mother. Just make sure your mother has a health care proxy & a will with stage 4 breast cancer. Why is your uncle is POA & not one of her children? Your boyfriend didn't "have to" go sit in the hospital with her until you were able to get off work. You don't have to go to her 7 hour doctor appointments. You are choosing to do this. Stop trying to control the situation because you never will. Move out, pay for your own housing costs, utilities, food, car expenses, etc. & stop being jealous that your mother is paying for all of your brother's expenses. If she doesn't care that he is stealing from her & that she is paying for him to live, why should you? If she's left penniless & destitute, that's her problem, not yours. This is a control issue----YOUR control issue. If you can't deal with being exposed to this stuff all the time & it drives you crazy to see your brother being supported by your mother, remove yourself from the situation so you don't see it all the time. Focus your attention on other things in your own life instead of fixating on your brother & mother.
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Lizann had some good points. I forgot about the stage 4. It is NOT a good time to move out. Re-read Lizann's post just 2 above this
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Try the Camera I had my brother on recording saying he took her pills, Did no good, I am 56 years old and I am sick of it all...
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You have a few things going on here. I would reconsider leaving home with your mother with stage 4 cancer. Your brother is not a candidate to do the caregiving which is just over the horizon for your mother as stage 4 cancer does not improve sadly. The road your mother is traveling is downhill, all you don't know is how long and how fast.

Your brother needs to be the one exiting the home. I would see if your Uncle can reason with your mother to put him out. She will resent it if it comes from you, she may be more accepting from your Uncle. Stealing from mom's bank account or purse when his name was on the account would be difficult to prosecute but I agree it is the moves of a lowlife. Have the Uncle keep her funds safe as she will need home health aides, medical equipment for her use in the house if she wants to remain there.
I would not leave to be with the boyfriend. If he is marriageable and this is Mr. Right perhaps but you will be the caregiver for Mom even if you move out . Boyfriends (even husbands) want to be the center of your attention and you will not be giving enough attention etc. You really don't need another stressful situation at this point. You will find a mate after mom is sadly gone. I would date the man for now unless it is serious enough to marry him. Even with marriage, you will end up juggling a job, a husband and a mother sick with stage 4 cancer. You may end up losing your mother and getting a failed marriage under such stressful conditions. Try not to set yourself up for failure. You are still quite young, I know all your friends are marrying at 28 but many will be divorced by 35 so it goes in today's society.
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I have been in this situation. I moved out of state. Then a call changed everything and I had to go visit mom in the hospital. She is healthy now, but not her mind. I finally got mom declared incompetent. I kicked out the 63 year old (teenager) drug addict step son. Mom seemed relieved. I guess she needed me to step up. She kept saying she wanted to sell the house and move out of state with me. She never changed this story. Now she is living with me and she has no financial pressure and no abusive step son. She never asks about him.
If you go, you will still be concerned about your mom's welfare. One day she may need you as your brother won't be there for her and your moving might be what it take takes for your mom to see what's happening between herself and her son.
It seems the one who gives the most care turns out to be the "bad guy" in these situations.
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Set up a camera to catch him. A picture is worth a thousand words!
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My Dad has been gone almost 3 years. I have taken care of my Mom 24/7. My 2 half brother's have taken money right and left. My own son, who is a drug addict, stole $20,000. My Mom had let him move in. I have my own home and pay all my bills. I have caught my 2 half brother's stealing and taking advantage of Mom in every way possible.(sickening). She seems to listen to the males, who are all troubled. I have had my son removed. She is 77. I finally put her in assisted living but one half brother continues. I have POA and have been physically harmed by my half brother, he has a serious temper, I have decided to move on. I am moving to Virginia , and told Mom if she wants to go fine otherwise she can stay. I have had enough dysfunction . I feel better making this decision. I would agree with the other's who say go on with your life....
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