How do you hire a caregiver to come into your parent's home when they don't want the help, but they need it?

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my dad is in the hospital and is having surgery tomorrow. My mom has dementia and has been staying alone. She needs someone to be with her but is so much against anyone helping her that I am afraid of how she will react to a stranger being in their home not to mention when I tell her how expensive it is going to be. I am so alone in the decision making and really don't know what to do. If anything happens to her I will never forgive myself. What do I do?

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My dad is 88 yrs old and over the course of 20 plus years has been taking care of(enabling) a younger woman that has past felony drug records,and now he has made her his caregiver which she is the one who needs the care as well. My dad is extremely protective of this so called caregiver and has given her his word that he will provide her a place as long as he lives,but now he has requested his family that in order for himself to have peace, my dad wants the family to take care of this woman for the rest of her life. My dad refuses to come stay in my home so that I can properly care for him, and refuses to divulge any document that would demonstrate his legal allocation of her as his caregiver, or give me copies that I would be able to carry out his wishes in the event that something were to happen to him ( example. an advance directive, since he does not wish to be put on life support) I have no way of knowing whether or not his dr's have this document as my dad refuses to give me a copy of what he says his caregiver and dr.'s have. He has said 3 times now that he would get it for me, but I haven't received these documents yet. And when I ask for these documents, my dad gets very defensive, and indignant towards me as well as other family members. My dad has financial needs and has not refused any family members financial offers but any assistance given him has more than contributed to meet this caregivers needs and not his own needs. In other words, he sacrifices his own needs to see to hers. This violates his families consciences that we feel that we will not enable her to her own self-destruction or possible drug habits. My dad says she is not on anything anymore. But who would really know? My family or myself do not wish to contact any protective agency as we feel this would put our dad in his grave. He has a very strong emotional attachment to this woman due to his experiences growing up where his mother was committed to a mental institution by her family when my dad was an impressionable age of 10 yrs old. My dad lives to this day suffering from guilt over something that he had no control over concerning his mother and somehow he thinks that if some man would have just been there to see to her, she wouldn't have been done that way. Therefore, he is trying to reconcile what happened to his mother thru this woman. This situation now, due to his age, lack of funds, and now his health, he refuses to recognize his own need for true care giving. And my last plea for him to come live with me, let this woman have his place and send her whatever money you think necessary for her to have, he says, "Who's going to maintain his home if he leaves?" His home is in such need of repair that collectively the family can not afford to repair it, nor will a bank lend money against it for repairs.But none the less, my dad needs care and refuses to relinquish to his family to care for him unless it includes her. We all agree that we don't want to take him from his home as it would be too distressing to him and he would definitely view our actions as taking away his purpose, taking away his place, removing his independence and dignity. And we do not wish to dishonor him in that manner, but on the other hand, how do we, now that it is so very obvious that he has gotten himself over his own head and ours, help our dad that refuses to budge, he is of sound mind and still able to decide for himself, but will not leave her unless we agree to carry her for the rest of her life.
Is there any one else out there that has found themselves in this same predicament?
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Shalmar, it's called having boundaries. Are your parents mentally ill, or is this dementia?

You may be their POA, but you're not a slave. Call APS and talk to them about the fact that you are trying to get your parents help, but they refuse.
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@Shalamar rue 88. I think you will have to be very very strong and firm. First, I would never admit that she calls my daughters such nice names. Now you leave them at home and go alone. No way !! If she can not behave towards your daughters, then I would threaten (and in case of need also do it) not to come any longer because you can under no circumstance accept such language. My God, who does she think she is ??? The excuse of having affairs with the caregivers are just loose threats, so that you will feel obliged to obey her commands. And you do so !! Stop this comedy immediately. Refuse to help her any further as long as she does not behave, and in case it is necessary, you just leave them for a couple of days or weeks. I am convinced that in the end they will admit that this situation is no longer possible for either of you, and that help from professional people will have to come in. You are no longer the little girl she can command and punish as she wishes and it is time you show her firmly that you have the right on your own life, and can not keep holding their hands till their last breath. It sounds hard, I know, but she plays it hard as well !!
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First : I would never give up my job. The economical situation is not that bright, and when you are at a certain age, giving up a job is very easy, but don't try to find another one in 5 or 10 years from now. You will not find anything.
What is there against a PROFESSIONAL home care giver. We in Belgium need one year of study with stage periods at home as well as in nursing homes in order to obtain our license. We learned a lot about diets, diseases, products and devices you can buy or rent to walk, take a bath, legal & financial aid you can obtain for certain diseases, being disabled etc.. I have been a professional home care giver for many years, and the relationship I built up with my people were magnificent. If my parents would have objected against professional aid at home, I think I would play it that way : first I would invite someone who is doing the job for several years. And not a young girl of 20/25 years, but a woman who has her own family with children, well dressed but not the type of women you see in magazines. I would not trust them either. On high heels, with a mini skirt and full of jewelry : no thank you !! You also can cut down on the things you are doing for them now, because you are exhausted and that therefore you can no longer come on such regular basis, etc... Okay it doesn't look very nice, but it is the best solution for yourself and themselves. And I'm sure that when they have a good care giver, they will be thrilled.
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I'm in the same boat. My parents need help, I'm already their POA, but I can't do it all. My mother doesnt want me or my brother in the house and she HATES my kids, calls my daughters little whores. Which is unacceptable. And causes a lot of stress so I dont bring my children around. My mother wont accept a woman in the house, she says my dad will have sex with her because thats what happened with a friend who passed away (the caregiver had an affair with the husband) and my father refuses a male caregiver, he accuses my mother of an affair, or wanting one. What the heck do I do?
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I was hired by a son & daughter-in-law looking for an in-home caregiver for his mom. The husband moved his wife and himself from another city to their current residence right after she had major surgery. The son explained his mom needed help finding new doctors, help getting to appointments, help getting the house in order (it's a large home & boxes everywhere after 2 months). Originally, he said the hours would be flexible and changing, which was fine at first. Yet after being hired nearly 2 months ago, I have found out both through the visits to the home & verbally from the woman I care for and have grown very fond of that 'all was not presented to me in a factual manner'. The family chose to hire a caregiver without even discussing with the mom & so after her telling me this, I told her I appreciated her honesty, I understood and that we could just start out slow and go from there. There are many details to the overall story in which I need advice - desperately at this point - but the bottom line is in the 8 weeks since I was hired, I was never told who would be paying me or how often I would be paid (although an hourly rate was agreed upon). Once the mom agreed to having me come over, we both decided me coming over 2 times/week to start out and then go from there. (Even though I told the son I really needed a minimum of 25 hours a week. Yet, after meeting the family, especially the mom (who I refer to as 'my patient, my friend') I decided to be patient with all that was going on, hoping with my (stated) complete dedication to helping both the wife & husband get the house 'in order', including house cleaning, meal prep, anything and everything I could (and would) do -- for no extra charge.

She has a terminal condition yet I feel she is burdened and overwhelmed psychologically with her home being in such disarray, physically unable to get things in order herself due to her vast limitations and chronic illnesses (I have had her at the emergency room 3 times in 2 weeks). Hence, why I finally told the husband (when he FINALLY asked for my professional opinion as to what I felt she 'needed') that until the majority of getting the home in order (which is a profound undertaking for anyone, much less a couple in their 70's) was addressed, I told him as long as the 'chaos' she wakes up to each day continues, that her physical well-being would continue on the obvious downward spiral it has.

He seemed to agree; I felt better he'd asked for my input yet nearly a day or two later, as I told them I would do on the days I planned and we'd agreed I'd be there, I would always call approximately 15 minutes prior to heading over to their home. HERE IS WHAT HAS FINALLY resulted in seeking input from those (#1) kind enough to read if you have made it this far, thank you! (#2) who might offer ANY advice, suggestions, compromises, ANYTHING to help me when (#3) I show up tomorrow with a 'proposal' of sorts, with precise accounting of hours worked, projects completed as well as those still a long way from being done at the rate and manner in which is resulting in not getting done, items I purchased which she needed as the husband either wouldn't or would be out of town, as well as including a few articles after hours of intense research which I thought might help either or both of them come to terms with what is only going to get worse if (a) they won't let me provide the services I have repeatedly offered (b) after not being paid except one time an amount to 'get by with' until a more regular and consistent work schedule is put in place (which was over 5 weeks ago & only 1/4 of what I was owed) and (c) since 'thinking' our agreed time schedule would kick in, I have documented out of 52 days (accumulated by 47 calls to either not come at all on the day I was scheduled, come the next day if I could, leaving me over 23 messages of varying reasons for not calling, changing plans, and on and on to one point I decided to just take a step back and let them 'breathe, live with NOT having me around (however brief my impact improved the situation) and to ponder on what they, as a married couple for nearly 50 years wanted to have happen and ultimately, by having no communication between us for I believe, almost 9-10 days straight when I got a voice mail from 'my patient', 'my friend', literally crying as she profusely apologized (for things she did not need to - in the sense I KNEW by now what/who was causing the entire caregiving plan to fall apart even before it had the chance to truly make a difference) and saying, "I so hope you are not angry with me or just hate me for all that's happened but I really REALLY need you here to help me and hope it's not too late and that you'll call me so we can talk." Talk about pulling heartstrings.

Of course, her message was not a surprise to me (after having had some very open and honest discussions about what she'd been through, how certain family members felt/acted towards her and even sharing far more information than a caregiver would normally want or need to be privy to -- on the emotional side of things, that is. Yet, I am a professional who takes what I do very seriously. I pride what I do based on providing genuinely loving and compassionate personalized care, wanting to make patient's lives as healthy and happy, as I believe possible with their given limitations. And...that is why -- after getting down on paper, realizing the magnitude of just how much I allowed to (NOT) let happen, resulting in hours lost and wages I had expected and (rightfully?) expected to earn, even though I came to expect either no contact or just before leaving to head their way, getting a call saying, "she had a bad night, so no need to come. Maybe tomorrow."

My utmost apologies for what must read like ridiculously redundant rambling. After having been just an 'observer/reader' of caregiver posts and the many different situations caregivers and those receiving care go through, many times responded to with wonderful and positive suggestions, answers, comments, encouragement, etc. -- I knew that after ONCE AGAIN -- scheduled to be there today yet hearing nothing from them (as I was told I would) and leaving yesterday after asking if I could please be paid, only to leave empty-handed (because the husband after coming home from an overnight trip decided to stay in the room where her checkbook was & she said there was "no way she could go back there and have him find out she was writing a check to me". REALLY? I thought.

That comment was unexpectedly backed up by a phone call received earlier in the day while she was still sleeping. It was from a very dear friend (who she lived close to in their previous hometown) who told me actually called her at least every other day, if not every day to check on her & see how she was holding up. When I'd answered the phone and explained that she was still sleeping (near noon), she asked, if I was in fact the 'caregiver' which she had heard "so many wonderful things" -- which led to also an unexpected and rather lengthy discussion (of which we both, sharing common interests of the well-being of her friend -- mutually agreed and cemented with absolute assurance -- that what was spoken between us would remain confidential -- period. And I was hesitant at first to share what I have come to be seriously concerned over - which is the state of mind I fear she is falling into. The worst kind. You can imagine what I'm referring to without me having to say it. Ultimately, once the conversation had to come to an end, I knew even more than I'd already made up my mind about -- and which I'd stayed up the entire night I stayed over with her unable to sleep due to what has turned into a very sad, and I fear untenable situation that I may have to remove myself from, even as much as I have come to truly love and care for the woman in need. Even her husband (on a day I had his wife at the hospital) shared with me over the phone how very much she adored me and how incredibly grateful he was that I was there for her.

He, as I learned from the friend -- not only does not believe much of what her physical limitations are (even though officially diagnosed) and that of which he does believe, I was told he is merely tolerating, if even that. He belittles her, and has done so even in front of others, only to turn around saying how sorry he is for having moved her here, etc. but then she tells me verbatim, "I never know who I am going to wake up with -- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde." And when he phoned the day he was due back to let her know when he would be home, when she hung up the phone I turned around and she was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said, "I'm so unhappy and I just do not want him coming home. I know it's going to be miserable." I comforted her as best I could, he showed up sooner than expected (after she'd told me he wouldn't be happy if I was still there when he arrived) I mean, the 'family' decided she needed in-home care -- WITHOUT consulting or including her in the discussion yet ultimately, after meeting me and now having spent enough time together, she truly realizes that she does need the help, is more than willing and wants me to be there for her yet the husband has made comments stating, "What is it exactly that she's doing, anyway? Every minute she's here, I have to pay for it and if I'm out of town, you will just need to get used to being alone because I am not paying for someone to sleep." That was the last straw. My intelligence insulted, my feelings hurt (yes, we have those too, don't we?), after I worked SO HARD cleaning that house and doing what I have no doubt other caregivers would not consider doing without extra pay -- I did JUST BECAUSE. And left, hurt, insulted and empty handed (no pay) for what amounts to over 50 hours of work and an amount I now wonder if I will ever see. Some have suggested I go to the son who originally hired me, yet the mom has shared his horrible attitude with her, threatening to put her in a home (how well he hid that from me), so I promised her I would not go behind her back to him and share what is going on in that household (apparently the family dynamics between father and son are unhealthy as well; the son fears he will end up having to be the caregiver, his wife simply cannot take on the responsibility due to 3 young children at home) and after the talk with the close friend yesterday, stating the husband has displayed 'deplorable' behavior which she said utterly dismayed and shocked many of their close-knit friends, and how he simply was not going to pay to have someone care for her while he was gone, stating she would be fine.

Well, she is not fine. And she is getting worse. So I have typed up my so called-proposal (the father and son are both attorneys) assuming putting this in writing would at the very least, spell out what is expected of me and what I expect in return regarding compensation and a work schedule I can count on.

Does ANYONE -- have any comments, suggestions -- ANYTHING -- to possibly help me resolve my conflicted thoughts about how to handle what I have been faced with? I know there are other jobs available (and I have even been considering a couple on the days I found myself 'off' when I was scheduled to be 'on'.) Yet the biggest issue with me is I KNOW as a professional caregiver that this woman DOES ABSOLUTELY REQUIRE and NEED the HELP I can and am so willing to provide for her -- not only because it's the right thing to do but because I am so fond of her and she just does not deserve the pain I see in her eyes whenever I leave. When I am with her, she is alive and positive and even has some good days -- and then it all falls apart when the one who promised to stand by her, does stand by her but in a cruel and uncaring manner.

I will stop now. It has worn me out. I truly want it to work out to where I can continue being her caregiver. With hope alive, I pray someone will have actually made it through all this and be able to offer whatever they deem useful to help me deal with tomorrow. I plan to just show up without calling. I need at the very least to be paid. If it is over, then so be it. I just cannot believe or understand why -- it has to be this way. And the biggest fear of mine is if he opts to not respond then put her through one person after another based on him willing to pay pennies for her care.

My humble and profound gratitude for those who allowed me the opportunity to get down in writing what I have at least taken the first step in resolving. Dealing with it! Many, many thanks with many, many smiles (yes, I still am smiling in spite of it all). God Bless You All!
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I had that problem. My mom was 94 and needed help. She was totally against someone coming into her home and helping out. I wrote out an ad describing what my Mom's needs were and what I expected of the care-giver. I then took that ad to a local chrurch and asked the pastor to announce it at the Sunday service. I didn't place it in stores or the newspaper because I didn't know who or what I was getting and I didn't want someone doing it just for the money. I didn't go to the home care agencies because they are way too expensive and it would be coming out of my pocket. The following Sunday I got a call from a lady who read my ad and said she was interested. I met with her and told her the situation that Mom was adament about not having someone there so we planned a visit. Ann stopped by my Mom's house when I was there and I introduced her as my friend. "Yeah, I was just passing through the neighborhood and seen your car and thought I would stop in. I'm so and so and your daughter and I are friends." She began to talk with mom and make conversation and after about 30 minutes she decided to leave to asked my mom, "would you mind if I stop by and visit again. My husband works during the day and I get lonely sitting there by myself so maybe I could drop by and we both keep each other company. Would you mind?" Mom agreed and Ann has been there ever since. Worked like a charm. With prayer and putting the situation in God's hands, it worked out!
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After my father-in-law passed away early in November, my mother-in-law, with mid-stage Alzheimer's, requires someone else to be with her almost constantly, i.e. my husband. I feel like I am the widow now and my mother-in-law has a new husband. I miss my husband and want a solution to this situation.
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menohardy - why do you an object to a caregiver from an agency? There is protection for you in working with an agency that will vet the worker with background checks, drug tests etc.
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Brenda - what type of insurance does he have? Medicare does not pay for home care. Most private insurance, unless it is long term care insurance does not provide for home care either.
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