Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

My Mom has a lot of days like that and I get frustrated too. But I say to her, please stop being so negative. Or if you keep being so negative I don't want to talk to you. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't so I hurry and change the subject to something more positive. Like it is a beautiful day or anything.

mother makes me sick

Absolutely. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic. I have to keep contact to a minimum for my own survival. She has always been difficult, and that hasn't changed. She is relatively well, lives in an ALF, complains all the time - in fact looks for things that are not up to her standards -(which are unreachable), and makes crises out of the simplest things, like undercooked porridge. She lives by choice in another city, and has people there who shop etc. for her. As I get older, the stress of communication with her is harder in me, so I have had to curtail it more. Not what anyone would like for their family, but it is my reality. She tries to use fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate people to do her bidding. Thankfully, I have been able to detach from that. Good luck to anyone who has to deal with this kind of thing. It scars you for life.

RebeccaLynn,

I totally understand avoiding the negative mother situation. I wind up cringing in one room of my own house waiting for my mother to get to another part of the house so I can avoid having to hear one more toxic statement, or even make eye contact.

Thankfully She is still well enough we can leave her here alone for an evening out. When we return she is always waiting up to spoil our good mood when we get home :( BTW my mom is like mjhoward's a"problem for every solution"......

I am lucky that my mother does not live with me and never will. She has been a very emotional needy negative person most of her life. After my stepfather died she attempted to latch on to me to meet her wants and needs. At first I tried to help her but it become too much. The more I gave, the more she wanted and needed. I had to start weaning myself away from her constant wants to where I help only with her most crucial needs which is 2 to 3 times a month. It was the only way I could handle her without throwing up my hands and walking permanently away.

Wow. i love this forum. i care for my mom in her home. i live with her. although our situations aren't exactly the same, pretty darn close. i love my mom. she is a great person, but i never imagined old age would be like this. i sympathixe with you on the negativity. be careful, it rubs off on you. my mom too never had a positive thing to say anymore. i just constantly try to put myself in her shoes. wil i be the same when i am 84? maybe. don't feel guilty. when i hear my mom's walker creaking in the morning i prepare myself. it consumes you. good luck staying positive. this isn't really an answer. but just want you to know you are not alone.

Double amen! I might add that sometimes it's helpful (for me, anyway) to stop ruminating over the abuse by a negative elder by substituting a mental image. Mine is a brick wall. That keeps all those sad and defeated thoughts and the "what can I do to make this better?" internal dialogues at bay, and lets my mind turn to more hopeful and positive events. Or, as with our friend above, giving care to others in need. Just don't forget that you need to be kind to YOU, too!

I feel guilty for even posting about this, but reading and sharing similar situations helps to give me insight and realize there are other people going through this. My mom is an independent 82 year old who is recently widowed. She complained for the last year in a half that she felt lonely living in a large 3 bedroom house with the closest family member four hours away (she moved away from us 20 years ago). So, long story short, she sold her home and downsized to a smaller place three miles from my which my husband and I spend months updating and remodeling for her. Once she moved in, the complaining started to the point of being unbearable. She compared every little thing to her previous home, which I tried to be understanding of the fact that it would take some adjusting to get use to a new home. She complained about the weather, the drawers in the kitchen, the speed bumps in her community, to barking dogs a few houses away. Anything and everything you can imagine, she found something to complain about. And many times in a passive-agressive manner..."oh I wouldn't have burned Thanksgiving dinner if I had made it in my other house". During a conversation recently, I mentioned that maybe she can look at all the great things that has come about since she moved closer and dwell so much on the negative. How we now get to spend a lot of time together, attend family functions, get re-acquaintated and even meet grandchildren, etc. She then blurted out that it was all my idea that she sell her house and move and the least I could do is be patient with her complaining. Talk about feeling guilty now. I explained that that wasn't fair, and although I did encourage the idea, she made the final decision, which she says I coaxed her into but that now that's it done, she has to just "deal with it". This post looks more like a venting session for me lol but any advise or comments to share would be great! A recent update with my mom, we moved her again (6 months later from last move) to a place and area she preferred. Just after 3 days, the complaining about this new place has started in full force. I am suppose to help with unpacking tomorrow, but it's so difficult to be around her and not get affected by the chronic complaining. After a visit with her, I feel like finding the nearest bridge! It's also taking a toll and my household since I come home feel depressed, upset, guilty and even angry sometimes.

Amen!!!

I toohav a very negative mother. She has been negative most of her life and very independent. Now at 90, she has to depend on me, but is finding it difficult to accept and is resentful and abusive, even though she knows that without me she could not go on. My Dad, who has been deceased for 12 years, warned about her, and told me never to take her into my home to live with me, as she will destroy my like.
I listened to himand when the time came, she lived in assited living and eventually in a nursing home. She was in a terrible car accident in which she was run over by a car and somehow survived. She needed constant care, was hospitalized for several months and had to have caregivers just to survive when she was discharged. Even then, the toll on me was horrendous. Nothing I did was right,. She wanted to die and felt I was not doing enough for her. She was to be the center of my attention. She even told my sister who lives far away the she was more important than her husband.
Out of all that, I ended up with a breast cancer scare and pneumonia for my troubles. Now i realize that i should not bee too concerned by day to day antics which are being used to pul my strings, as she has been doing all my life.
Because I am a good daughter, caring and understanding and the only one of her children living in her city, I get all of the abuse.
I have walked out and not returned for several days. Once she even called and stated that she did not understand why I was upset. After all, we are family.
She is now almost 91 and is in and out of hospital. I have a granddaughter and my daughter had to undergo life threatening open heart surgery giving birth. This has put another spin on my mother's problems. She is not the centre of my life, my children are much more important and need me and does my very patient husband. Do not allow your abusive mother to take over your life. She hs to realize that she should be grateful for the care you provide and allow you to live the life you have chosen without her interference.

Listen. Every one of you who has that black-cloud-of-a-mom living in your house is a saint. I could never do that. My 90 year old mom has always been negative and a hypochondriac; I lived under her roof the first 18 years of my life and, along with my sister, was suicidal and depressed (hidden, of course). I work solely to pay for mom's living expenses, she refused to leave her big house when she could no longer afford it. All of us have these crosses to bear and my coping skill of late is to ignore all the negative talk. If she's on the phone, I set the receiver on a towel until the buzzing stops. If she's in my car (to yet another doctor's appointment) I say nothing. I concentrate on the radio, the traffic, the beautiful scenery. When she finally winds down - and has received no response - I bring up something totally different (and positive). I work where people have tragedies, young people die too soon, people are really REALLY sick. I see them valuing each moment they have on earth, and used to agonize that my mother had wasted decades looking into the darkness, refusing anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds. The key, ladies and gentlemen, is not to go down into that darkness with her. A friend with an equally nuts mom recently said, "the greatest generation my a**". Yes, they WERE great in war times. But now, not so much. Take heart and good luck with rising above the sea of negativity. We're all in this together.

I can honestly say I am right there with you. My mother is 60, she still works and is very independent. I moved her in with my family because she was unhappy in her marriage and has custody of my younger brothers child. I was working and going to school full time and have 3 children of my own. It seemed like a win win situation. The problem is she hates everything.....("that's stupid") is her favorite phase and she uses it all day every day. Before she moved in Stupid wasn't a word I allowed my children to use. Our biggest arguments are over my need to make her life better. I want her happy, of which she claims to be, but she hates Texas, (we moved here 7 months ago) she hates her job, (its the second one she has had since the move, she hated the first one to) she hates the people, the school, the upstairs floor in her room squeaks, we don't keep the house warm enough, the kids are constantly bickering, the bird I brought her won't quit biting her, the flat screen TV my brother bought for her room is complicated. I could literally gone on for days. Worst of all today she posted on facebook about how selfish I am and I don't understand how my actions effect other people. I dealt with a six month period of depression a few years ago, it was really bad. I know the signs and I was looking in the mirror and saw them. I started looking for an outlet. I don't know about you but just being able to vent on the forum has helped so much. It's true to an extent that misery loves company. I look at it more as misery is easier to deal with when you know your not alone. I love my mom as I am sure you love yours but there comes a time when you just have to cut and run. I myself am looking for a way out, I haven't found it yet and don't expect it to magically appear, but it helps to know I have tried and where I am not a quiter, my husband, children and my sanity have to come first. Good luck to you, you are not alone!!!!!!!

Rebecca, I feel it would be time to put your mother in a NH. I know b/c my mother is in a NH and she is very negative. Thankfully she was very sweet when I was growing up and being bullied at school. Now she is negative and is hard to live with. I could never take her into my home. Life is short, enjoy all the minutes you have.

Mornings are awful! It starts with a litany of aches and pains and progresses to complaints of isolation right down to boredom. From there it escalates to accusations of her "stuff" being stolen from her. DAILY! I could really relate to the comment about running from the sound of the walker. Boom chhhh, boom chhh, boom chhh... that rhythmic familiar sound that sends chills up my spine. Because I know it will be accompanied by something that is not good. So glad that I actually find humor in all these letters and hope you all can do the same. We are a rare breed.
Love and prayers to all of you!

Yes! me too. I dread hearing her get up in the morning. As you stated, it starts with I am sicker than you. Now, I make sure she has medicine, coffee and cereal (never anything else) then, I go to my room (of which I built and paid for) and hide out as long as I can. Start my day. I am so sick of all this but it is another story.
Mom has got me so rattled that now I can't figure out if it is me causing the problems or her. I have several medical issues. She blames me for everything. Even when she tells me where she wants it, I forced her into putting it there. Tear my hair out!! I haven't got started with this so I will stop now.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are going thru this. If the knew how to fix this, I would tell you. I don't. So, hide, run, read in the closet, go outside, have selective hearing and more. Here are best wishes to you and your.
p.s. If you have an idea or what to chat, just look me up.

Judging from the number of responses, this is apparently a common problem. My mother is negative about everything, other than her self. She is constantly talking about other people or complaining about some thing in the house. She also has a huge chip on her shoulder about her age and thinks any conversation is about her and her short comings. The other day, I was talking about boarding my dog and made a comment she is hard to handle. My mother chimed in " how can you talk about line that when I'm sitting right here"! I retorted, we are talking about theDOG, not you! Not everything is about YOU! Since I promised my mother I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living, I just have to put up with it. To deal with the stress I either get in my car and take a little ride, lay in the tub and take a nice long warm bath, or simply walk away. I have told her that its difficult to have a nice conversation if she is always going to get defensive. I think it's finally sinking in... Especially since her grandson and his wife witnessed the "dog" remark. Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to all!

Well, first of all, your mum is NOT God. It is not healthy for people to worship anyone, or from anyone to expect to be worshipped. It sounds to me like you need therapy to work out your bitterness and resentment. To me, your mother sounds narcissistic - blaming everyone else for her problems is a clue. Arguing with her is pointless -she will never see anyone else's point of view. Narcissists will not seek treatment as they are convinced the problems are everyone else's fault. You can't change her - you can only change yourself. You might want to google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" It has much useful information. There are other webistes too which are helpful, and books. workbooks etc,

Now to your question - "Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?" The answer is yes for me, and others on this site. I do it all the time. Fortunately mine lives in another city. I avoid contact with her by not answering most phone calls, not reading or responding to emails until I am ready to, and even then I respond to few of her many emails, and, most of the time, not visiting when I am in her city. I have not (yet) cut off all contact, but I still may, as the stress she causes me affects my health. If you have a narcissistic parent you have to protect yourself. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))and good wishes Joan

What do you do when mom is God? Until her diagnosis she was, is and has been a hyprochondriac It has baffled me terribly even today. Truly my mom was the smartest most beautiful woman in the world (she is) and up until my mid twenties I would watch and admire her for all that god gave her to include the power of influence, sweetest personality, and trust worthy. The mistake all for her glory i would learn, humility nope, and then later figured out her 'do for others' as she often did with the expectation that they would basically worship her or assist in helping her to maintain her invalid posture. In other words she loved to read, was always in pain, in the bed, and quite happy in isolation. the question is now she really is sick. The bitterness and resentment and I think to say even hate at times I swallow but to try and turn my son, and daughter against me to such a degree that she blames me for all the problems in her life practically, and it hurts! to argue at all is senseless and I just don't know what to do??? Oh and psychiatrist or psychologist she would never go she is one. ha ha I have to laugh to keep the tears from falling. thank you for listening to me and I welcome all. god bless and keep you and yours in the hope that you have a fullfilling new year!

Emjo and I are in similar circumstances. I am 65 and my mother is 93 and lives on her own, sort of. After some really mean spirited actions on her part last spring, I have cut a lot of contact with her and it has been a real boon to my mental health.

Now I only spend a couple of hours with my mother on Sunday when we do her grocery shopping and I write checks that she signs. Since she says the same things over and over I have learned to tune her out. Also she says things that don't make sense because of incomplete sentences or missing nouns. I don't try to understand anymore because I don't much care. I take my dog when I visit and he protects me from a lot of her abuse by distracting her. Also he is affectionate with her where I am not.

I come away from the contact much less stressed and overwhelmed. I had to learn how to do this because with her personality disorder she will devour me and start hunting a stand-in. I don't want her messing with my son and his family as they have small children and her mother has ALZ.

There is nothing that can be done for personality disorders and it's best to learn to let go. I am starting to put together a retirement life that I find fulfilling. I have to admit that I am looking forward to the time when God takes my mother for his own and I can be free of contact with her.

notoriously hard -that is - to treat

I have found that detachment and distance is what I need to survive. My mother has been negative and critical all her life. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (life long) a few years ago. I had made that diagnosis myself long before. Nothing I have tried over the years has helped for long. The leopard does not change its spots. Indeed, if I had found something that worked I am sure it could be written up in medical journals, as personality disorders are notoriously to treat. Add into that a little dementia - not diagnosed but her memory is failing and paranoia is increasing (mother is 99) - and it does not sweeten the situation. She is physically very healthy and I have been struggling with health issues (some no doubt related to stress) for the past two years particularly since she has had to be moved a couple of times. She is in an ALF in another city - her choice - and expects me to be intimately involved in all her concerns - many of which are just life not going exactly as she wants it to go, or her losing things and then saying they are stolen and expecting me to contact insurance over stuff like a a blouse and a nightie that are missing. I am sure they are lost /misplaced as she has found some of them. I am 74 now myself and cannot drive the 5 hr drive to see her as I used to and am still recovering from an infection I have been on meds for about 2 years now. I have been having flashbacks from childhood traumas (our home was a war zone) and have had to distance myself. My one sib - my sister - is similar to mother and very manipulative, and does nothing to help mother but gives her a few gifts and is the "golden girl" while I am to play the cinderella role. Now I find that I am being shunned by cousins who are in contact with mother (she can be charming when she wants to be for short periods of time). My aunts and uncles knew the situation and even approached me in my teens and offered support. They are all gone now and I am grieving the loss of family, though a few cousin's spouses keep contact. Thankfully I have friends, the support of my adult children and my sig other. and people here at Aging Care. I have POA but am considering giving it up and mother uses it to create issues which are always a losing situation for me. e.g. -she asks for my help/opinion and when I offer it she criticizes whatever I say/do and goes her own way after blasting me for not being helpful and not understanding her situation. She is still capable of managing her own finances and I would like to see a younger and a non family member have POA, as I think it could be manipulated less. I do not think at my age having POA makes a lot of sense.e.g. I am looking at some surgery in the future once i am over this infection and you never know what can happen. Though she is well off financially, mother has been asking for "donations" the help her with her expenses. She lives in one of the most expensive ALF's in her city and buys expensive clothing. I worked till I was 73 to provide for myself and have no intention of supporting her in this lifestyle. The drama goes on - and I just want out of it. The next big scene will be her 100th birthday next May. I played a large role in her 90th and think that my sister can do the same for the 100th. Right now I am distanced and have cut communication to a minimum and not even sure i am going to go to the 100th. My sister's last email a few months ago blasted me for a whole bunch of things including me good relationship with my children (????) and in it she said she wanted nothing more to do with me and then recently wants contact through facebook. However that is the pattern -they are as nasty as they want to and then expect it will be forgotten and when I don't jump and ask how high on the way up when they decide they want me in the picture again, I am the difficult one, and that is spread around the family. I meed some peace.

I am new to this thread but having been abused by my late husband and having takeing such shit from him if the parent is living with me and depending on me for everything-I might be prone to say change or go into a nursing home.I finally had tp place my husband and with God's provodance he died before medicaide was set up-so I was not left pennieless just with heavy debt.

I feel for all of your venting..... to give so much and receive so much negative payback is just sad.
How about spending just a little money and install a surviellance camera with audio. Place it in an area in the home where your parent most commonly verbally rants.
Collect some footage and wait a couple of weeks. Then sit down and rather than talking a lot just do a intro and show the footage.
When you clips are over advise the parent how much you love them but this behavior isn't becoming, nor will it be tolerated any further. Share that it sounds like they are bored, unhappy, and don't know how to communicate those feelings..... so they just make everyone else feel as bad as they do....you know misery loves company. Explain you want them happy and are willing to assist them to that goal. Make it clear that change must occur.
Have some alternatives ideas. Perhaps the parent needs to develope life away from the home. Something to distract, to be involved with. Bingo, church, community center, get a hobby, or.... they need to go to adult daycare, and if all else fails live somewhere else.
Give your parent some time to thing and digest the video and your comments. Hopefully your parent will begin on their own to slowly modify their behavior. If not then revisit the subject and push ahead with action.
You can't control others but you can control yourself. How you act, your decisions, and how you allow others to treat you are things you can control. Exercise that control.

I moved out in my early teens because my mother let her boyfriends and stepfather molest me and beat my brother. Now I have moved her mother in with me because she has been neglected in the nursing home. I have spent my entire successful adult life avoiding them now I have invited them into my home. I always knew my grandmother was an awful person but learned last night that my mother was abused and that my grandmother condoned it. I have put my self through years of therapy but, earned a new respect for my mother. No wonder my mother is crazy--She was surrounded by it growing up! I will pray for you! My mother in law says I need to pray for my mother too, it's difficult but, I am trying.

Does spending the night in your car in your own driveway count? Sigh...

My mothers advice was, no one should have to take care of their OWN mother, if everyone who had a mother who needed care would put their names into a hat, then everyone draw a name out of the hat, {if you draw your own mother, put it back and draw another} this would be a huge help. I care for 2 ladies, 91 and 88. One has 3 daughters living and one son... No one calls or comes to visit, but I love her, and have come to understand why. That does not change the fact She does not understand.. Find someone else to care for your mom if you can. Everyone will be happier.

The answer is -- not much. I'm sorry to hear all this, and pray for all of you out there taking care of an elderly person with mental issues. It is something none of us are prepared for.

I can’t take it any longer. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my mother growing up. I was stuck in an impossible “crazy” environment with a mentally ill, sadistic woman. We have now suffered three years of living Hell due to her issues, family causing problems at every turn, with no end in site, caregiver disasters, etc., etc. on and on. One sibling disowned her, leaving all the harassment by nutcase relatives who are in denial “we don’t get Alzheimer’s in our family”, to the two of us who try our best to do the right thing at every turn with a difficult woman who can’t get along with many people. Due to her worsening condition, and health we recently moved her to a beautiful residential care facility with the best staff ever. She wants to go back home, and blames me when I come to visit. She threatens to kill herself, says terrible things to me, etc. She doesn’t spare a nasty word. Today, she pulled this in front of my son, who has anxiety issues! How much is one person supposed to take?

OnlyKid, my mother would dearly love to live with me, however, the needs are so great that i would have to give up my life to tend to hers. Hmm, I don't think so, however sometimes there's no choice. AL is expensive and it is definitely a challenge. You know how they have groups for mothers of toddlers/preschoolers, we need groups/communities for those caring for their parents so they can share resources. Our society has a fragmented family unit, which leaves most of us as the "only" caregivers so we need to reach out and help one another i think.

RebeccaLynn - wowza I hear you. And from the number of responses here it looks like MANY people hear you too! In my opinion I think that it is time to start looking for another living arrangement for your mom. You would be suprized that there ARE nice places out there; I was blessed to find one for my dad (who has ALWAYS had a CHALLENGING negative attitude and now a limited physical state) which is only 5 miles away from my home. It is an AL/aging in place home that is safe, clean, friendly, very stable, affordable, small and intimate with a low staff to resident ratio (only 10 residents to 2 staff with the RN owner of the facility LIVES on site in a separate residence on the property.) He has a private room with the company of his pet cat too! It took a while to find but what a blessing. Don't assume every place is horrible - yes many are or seem that way, but there ARE gems out there too. I visit 3 times a week, and I am allowed to be his daughter again, not his mother. I can't tell you what a blessing it is. He wants nothing more than to come and live with me and my husband (who he doesn't like) so that he could give me the AL money but he doesn't understand that the money plus more would be need to be spent on assistance by helpers in my home as he cannot be alone for any longer length of time. Remember this: honor thy mother and father DOES NOT MEAN be a doormat. There are many ways of honoring them. We are responsible to MAKE SURE that they receive a good safe place to live free of abuse of any kind, quality nutritous food, medicine and medical care, positive interactions/socialization as desired, etc. If there is little to no dementia taking place, but rather lifelong personality issues, well we are NOT required to be punching bags. Sorry.