How do I know if my mom is "pushing my buttons?" People at the ALF say she is?

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Mom is 91 ,broke her hip so we were able to place her in an ALF for "rehab"
She has moderate dementia. At her home she was living independently. However she developed fixed illusions, hallucinations, paranoia, didn't take all her meds,angry at neighbors, would sleep in her car at night,,calling police..all over the past 4 years there. I would love to keep her in the ALF but she hates it and yells to go home constantly.
She has been there 6 weeks and verbally abuses me ...GUILT!!.. for not taking her home! She is safe there, eating well but her mental anguish is extreme. She is on a low dose of anti-anxiety. She will not participate in activities. I feel so torn.

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I once heard a good quote: "of course parents push buttons on their children -- they are the ones who installed them."
If she is safe, eating well and has the energy to be verbally abusive, then her "mental anguish" is of her own creating. She will not be happy wherever she is and has probably been that way for many, many years.
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Ricki, My first reaction is, someone is going to have to look her in the eyes and tell her 'Mom you are NEVER going home again'. Until that happens, she is of course going to madder and madder at not being allowed to leave. You'd better be getting her doctor on board about her not living independently ever again too. She sounds like she's got some dementia going on, so get her to the doctor. They need to get her on Namenda or Aricept to stave it off as long as possible, if indeed dementia is the problem. She may just need to be left alone for a week. It may make her a little more appreciative of you when you see her again, as well as force her to come out of her hidey hole too. Sorry.
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Hi Ricki26,
I am sorry that you are going through this. I've also wondered if my mother "pushes my buttons". I am consumed with guilt every day. I have given up my life to care for her at home.
Some days I feel like I cannot take her behavior towards me anymore (she treats my older brother with more kindness).
We only can do so much and you have to take care of you.
Seems like the anti-anxiety is not working.
Perhaps her Dr. can prescribe something else that will help with her anger, combative behavior, hallucinations, etc.
I will be following your post for tips that I may have to use if/when the time comes that my mom needs more help than I can give.
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