Why am I the "bad guy" for asking for help from the siblings?
End of April 2012: mom came to live w/ me. She suffers depression and diabetes and had one foot amputated. Doctor refused to let her live alone.
I am a married 26 y/o w/ two daughters- a 9 y/o and an 18-month old. I am a full-time worker and student. I hadn't lived w/ mom for 14 years now. My younger sister insisted mom live w/ her but because she lives w/ her boyfriend, the older siblings (six of them) decided that wouldn't be culturally right. The two eldest (the brothers and the "decision makers") either have dad living w/ them or close by. To get to the point, everyone decided that my husband and I "were the best option."
Of course I could and would not refuse, although I knew I would not be able to handle her mentally, emotionally, and physically, given my already very full plate. However, I voiced my concerns to my siblings from the very day that I was chosen. Even before she actually moved in, I experienced mixed emotions, anxiety, insomnia, fear, etc. Mom is not a very pleasant person to live w/ and we all agree to this. Per agreement in order to make everything work for everyone, mom would live w/ me w/ the help from everyone. Even after my husband discussed w/ my brothers as to why mom living w/ us wouldn't be a good idea, the brothers insisted, "Be patient w/ her. Let's just see how things work out. If it doesn't, just let us know and we'll find an alternate solution. We don't want you two to resent us for this. We're all in it together. You're not alone."
Sure enough, my husband and I feel completely alone in this. My sisters have helped out tremendously, including their husband and boyfriend. Now since mom has been seeing the doctors every week on work days, it had been difficult for me to continue missing work. I finally asked my brothers for help (who both live an hour away).
My request was unsuccessful. At first I get an 'ok' followed with, "I can't take this anymore!" The pressures of asking them for help was getting too much and they hadn't even taken her once to a doctor appointment. I end up doing so. I told them how stressed out I was and then gave them nearly half a list of what mom needed to get taken care of. Sure enough, I started getting ignored.
In order to carry on with life as normal and clear-minded as possible, I vent to the siblings. I vent about everything from mom praying loudly throughout the house on weekdays either too early in the mornings or too late at night while I'm trying to sleep as she prays about how we need to find our way to church, yatty yatty; how mom sings loudly (mind you, she woke up singing throughout the house at 4am the other day); how mom pees all over the bathroom floor (not intentionally but still. I have to vent.; how mom's wheelchair is causing damages to the home, how she complains about my dog, etc.
Then just a few days ago, I had had enough. I was burnt out. I was going into work late too often, mom had tons of appointments I had to coordinate with my schedule and my children's, she has paperwork that needed to be taken care of. Along w/ this, mom has constant mood swings that I have to deal with since I live w/ her. I told everyone I could not take it anymore. It's gotten too much for me that it's causing me time away from my own family. I can't concentrate at work, I can't concentrate on school, I have not the energy to go running as I usually do 5 days a week, I was burnt out. I pleaded for their help.
What I got from the siblings were, "All you do is complain. You're just like her! You two are perfect for each other! I hope your kids treat you this way when you're old. Karma is going to get you. You're going to hell. I curse you and your generation ten folds. Don't come near our family again! All you do is cause trouble for us!"
This made me so angry. What had I done? I took my mom in at their request and per agreement. I told them they made promises they had not kept. I said I'm completely stressed. I couldn't do this anymore. I'm willing to handle her depression and mood swings since I live with her but can someone else take on the responsibility of her doctor appointments, her paperwork, her errands, church, and bills? This was just too much for me now. For a whole two days, I got nothing but personal attacks from each and every one of them, except one sister. Am I really the bad guy because I'm stressed out to the bones? Am I bad for venting? For asking for help? For not being able to do this 100%? I was never like my younger sister who insisted I could take on this role without a problem in the world. I told them straight from the gecko I wasn't strong enough- that I would need a lot of help. They made promises which they never met; which they broke. And now they blame me. They've all gained up on me and I'm no longer "part of their family." They also refuse to help mom as long as she lives w/ me. What did I do? I am just completely beat from all of this.