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her. I am having a stress overload. She brought her daughter and daughter's boyfriend anyway. The daughter and boyfriend stayed at a friends house. In the mean time my neice came down with a a very bad cold. I told my sister please stay away from her daughter, she could get sick too. She said"I never get sick". I told her I felt uncomfortable about the situation. Mom has a weakend immune system,(cancer) and I; very little strength. I can not handle a cold. Needless to say I asked her to leave when she chose to spend the day with her daughter(mainly in a car with the windows up). I told her even if she does not have symptoms she could still be a carrier. She would have to leave for about 10 days. Of course she thinks I have no basis to ask her to leave. I am standing my ground. I just can not take a chance. I will be me left being ill or taking care of mom if a we become infected. She will be on a plane back to her home town. When I asked her why did she take a chance getting us ill; her reply was "Shes my daughter, I wanted to spend time with her. This was a visit to help me get some rest. She turned it into a family vacation. She comes only once a year. I take care of mom 365 days a year. Should I feel guilty in asking her to leave? Was ten days to long to ask her to stay away in fear of her be infectious?

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no i dont think you shoul feel guilty at all
you should stand your ground
and should be comended if you can
these relatives need to get a grip on reality and spend a month or at least a week doing what we do
they will then feel the same way when they have to pick up after someone their size with equal demands or more and just maybe then they will understand
then the nerve to bring in others
that tops the cake
dont let the family bully you into or out of what you know you need to do for your loved one of you can help it
it isnt easy as it is
STAND YOUR GROUND
truecolors
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Dear Coach, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I totally agree, your sister is very self-centered and has no empathy. Please just look after yourself, so you can still care for you Mum.

God Bless, Gossip3
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I would not feel guilty to ask her to leave if I were you. My oldest sister stayed at Christmas, first it was just for a few days. Then ended up for 2 weeks. I have always loved and respected my older siblings but this lady was pushing it. In fact she ended up starting a fight between myself and my mother. The next time she comes to stay ( she never comes to help, she did some dishes twice.) and starts any problems with me or my mom, I will not show her any respect or love. She also was ill with a cold and that could only make my job harder. So if she is sick or if she isn't going to help out or she thinks she can start any problems and not be held accountable. She will not be asked to leave she will be told. I don't want to be nasty but she isn't showing any of us any respect or love. So stand your ground and be heard, because some people just don't get it. So take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom.
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Hope something helps, it is a painful situation, "accommodation or death" is not really fair here....
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Heck it's your HOUSE isn't it in the end? Geezus I understand that you want neither yourself or your mom getting sick. At her age it is not a good thing and for a caregiver neither a good thing...geezus did she not GET IT?
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I thank all of you for all your support. You do not know how much each and everyone of your words helped feel much better. I pray God watches over you and all your loved ones.
Once again, thank you...thank you...thank you.
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I agree with all the comments. Siblings who live away seem to have no clue whatsoever about the trials we caregivers go through under normal circumstances, let alone when sickness occurs on top of it. As you stated, she'll be on a plane going back home while you are handling a cold of your own, and possibly your Mom, which could turn to pneumonia easily!
One possibility to allow your sis to spend some short visits w/ your Mom while she's in town, as long as she is not showing any cold symptoms herself, would be to have her where a face mask, and use bacterial hand wash when she enters the home, and as she is visiting. That way she might be allowed to still have a visit w/ Mom. If she's unwilling to do that, then too bad for her. You are calling the shots. And I agree w/ Oldlady, ask if she could come and stay a week w/ your Mom so you can go on vaction. I have two siblings in other states, and they NEVER do that for me. I've asked, but they say their work schedules, etc. keep them from doing that. But they can take time off to go to Hawaii and Europe, etc. They see Mom briefly once a year, and always w/ me continuing as the caregiver. They are the visitors, more like on vacation when they come!! Frustrating!!
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You have no reason to feel guilty. If anyone should it should be your sister. Obviously she is a self centered individual who has no concept of the problems she could be exposing you, but more importantly your mother to. To protect you mother, you have every reason in the world to ask her to leave. Good Luck and May God Bless.
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Dear Marcella, Unfortunately your sister is not following your request. I wouldn't feel guilty by asking her to leave. Your Sister is very insentitive to your Mothers' poor health, and the fact that your neice has a bad cold, if I was in your position, I would ask my sister and family to leave. Your Sister obviously doesn't share the same concerns regarding your Mothers well-being. "SO POLITLITELY SAY TO YOUR SISTER, IT IS NOT WORKING OUT, SO IT WOULD BE BEST IF SHE LEFT." You don't need anymore hassles at the moment. Fondest regards, Gossip3
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Does your sister ever take care of your mother? Maybe you can make a deal with her that you go off on vacation and she can stay at your place and take care of your mother. I can't believe how thoughtless people can be.
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Marcella, you are 100% right, stand your ground!!! I fought many times over my siblings kids coming sick and I said NO they cant come in!! They were furious, too bad. If she has the nerve to come and bring them, and with a sick person, you have to also have the nerve to say NO. I feel for you, been there, "just say no" and if they dont like it they'll get over it, too bad. Good luck.
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DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! When we need help, we need compassion with our help, we do not need more work or anxiety. We as caregivers are entitled to say get out, this is not what I asked for. A visit is great but not when they are sick or do not respond to the needs of others. My dear, YOU need respite care, compassion and some happy down time. Do what I do, play games on the computer to get your mind off the issues or just write to us. We support you Vickie
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Your right - stand your ground. "If" t hey were considerate they should know better and get moving. Sounds like myin-laws (before I kicked them out of our lives), everything to their convience, and totally inconsiderage of the aregiver at least. I bet if you assigned them some chores they'd have some excuse to leave!!
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If your sister was aware of your mom's condition and weakened immune system from cancer but still decided to combine "vacation time" with this visit then she may need an attitude adjustment. There is no reason for YOU to feel guilty about asking her to leave. However, you should feel a bit guilty about not conscripting her help in the even mom takes a turn for the worse and you are dealing with more than you can handle. There are many things your sister could contribute as a "distant caregiver" This includes financial support, keeping herself up to date with your mother's treatments and medications in case you need an emergency back up or even doing research on the latest developments in cancer treatments that might help your mother if her doctors knew about them. Then there is the question of the Living Will, Power of Attorney, and Long Term Treatment Plans. These are all things that tend to get neglected by conscripted caregivers until the best time to tackle them has gone by.
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Don't question yourself one bit. You did the right thing. Your sister can take her sweet old time to figure out what was the reasoning behind it all.
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This group has really helped me through out my Caregiving process. I thank each and every one of you! I hope all of you have much needed rest and care.
Marcella
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Thank you everyone. Only caregivers seem to understand. Thanks again,
Marcella
p.s. I would appreciate you to pray for me to regain strength.
Thank you!
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I don't think that you were out of line to ask your sister to come alone & once she arrived at your home with her daughter & her daughter's boyfriend I think that it would make perfect sense to find a motel nearby & ask them to stay there. They could come & visit your mother, hopefully helping you with meal preparations, doctor's visits etc. But once one of them became sick I think they should stay away. Maybe you could call your mother's doctor & ask him/her to write a note explaining that with his patient's compromised immune system that they can not be exposed to someone with an infectious disease (cold). It sounds like your sister is being very selfish & inconsiderate in this situation. I hope that you have friends that you can speak with & hopefully a local support system that can help you. You need a break! Even if it's only a few hours a week having lunch with a friend our going out to a movie. It's important that you take care of yourself, you have a very important & stressful job in taking care of your Mom.
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No, it was not. You are pefectly within reason to do that. You are dealing with a very ill parent and under normal circumstances it can still be trying. From what you wrote you seem graceful to have lasted that long or even allowed her to 'visit'. Do not spend one more minute on how someone else feels-you need to stay well to help your Mom. Take care-prayers to you. -new41
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I'm so sorry you are experiencing that extra stress.

Toward your Sister you seemed to have explained things well... and in advance. You also hit the nail on the head when you stated you'll still be there contending with problems that might arise - without any help. It seems that like all of us when we're alone, you need simple reassurance at what you already know to be true is just that... true. Good for you!!!

When siblings, et al, refuse to provide consistent help, they themselves by their actions have clearly declared there can be only ONE person wholly responsible. YOU make the decisions. Stick your ground!

Keep looking up.

V
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No, you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, these things happen. Your sister having her daughter and boyfriend stay at someone else's home shows she was trying to accommodate your wishes/respect your rooming limitations. Your niece getting sick was plain bad luck. You did the right thing, and I hope that in hindsight, your sister will know it, too, and not hold a grudge.
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You will feel guilty any way but do the right thing and protect yourself and your family. It is thoughtless of her to be so inconsiderate towards you when you clearly are already doing the lion share of the work here, a guest should respect your wishes in your home...People put up with a lot from family they never would from a paying guest or friend i think, and when it is a safety or health issue. I say put your foot down and keep it there...but be prepared for fall out! Good luck, These things are NEVER easy!
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