My father is verbally abusive to my mother. How do I approach him about it?

Just flat out tell him to stop it. You should remind him that your Mom isn't as young as she used to be and that she doesn't need the stress caused by his verbal lashings. He should be told that he should appreciate her today because she may not be here tomorrow.

I also think that if this is the way their marriage has been all these years, then why should it be any different now that they're old? In fact, if your dad has dementia/alz it's only going to be amplified. If on the other hand this is new, then his doctor should be the one you're talking to for some 'happy pills' maybe. I've come to admit that all marriages have their own 'dance' so to speak, this could be theirs.

If this has been ongoing throughout their marriage (as with my parents), I seriously doubt anything will change the behaviour now. I agree with the comment above to remind your dad to be nicer to your mom as she might not be here tomorrow. If possible, visit more often so you can offer your mom support.

Its a touchy subject, and your father may deny the behavior. Has this behavior been going on throughout their marriage? Or did this behavior start recently? If its a new problem, rage, anger and abuse could be a side effect of a conditions such as Alzheimer's disease or dementia. If that dynamic between the two of them has been going on for years, the answer might be counseling. If dad won't go, encourage your mother to go alone (or with you) to learn about why she accepts this abuse and what can be done about.

I would give him a choice to stop the behaivor or tell him he will have to be placed in anursing home or your Mom will go to a lawyer to get a legal seperation from him it was that way with me and I could not take it anymore and for a time we lived in the same house but he had to fix his own meals and take care of himself and I did all my own meals at an other and not talkung to each other help our Pastor talked me out of a legal seperation which I should have done anyway because he was going to have to go on medicaide and that would have left me with very little money as it was he got very ill soon after and died now I am stuck with his debts because he over spent money mostly just before he died -the least she should do is get her own credit cards in just her name and get a legal seperation because he will never change and will keep abusing her forever and she needs to get some peace in her life without him and let him carry on since he seems to think he is so wonderful he is entitled to treat her badly and in him mind he owns her abuse is wrong-let her live in peace he will never change he probably was brought up that women were the property of men like my husband was-he died a year ago and I refuse to get him a head stone until his debts are paid-by me which will take years but at least I have peace now.

My Mom says horrid things to my Dad all the time and I never realized how bad it was until I moved back in with them. We'll be eating dinner and she'll say things like, "if you keep eating like that you're going to be a big fat pig and I'll be damned if I'm going to take care of you if you have a heart attack."

If the toilet doesn't flush right, she'll blame dad for "forcing" her to move into "a cheap crappy house full of cheap crap that never works worth a crap." She blames him for anything and everything.

I can't stand it. I asked Dad how he puts up with it; he's a very kind and sweet-tempered man. He just shrugs & says, "I let it go in one ear and out the other."

But I haven't been so forgiving to mom. I've told her her constant bickering at Dad bothers me; that only gets her started on all the things that are wrong with him. I've said, "that's enough!" when she starts one of her mean rampages. She'll lay off for a while, but it doesn't last long.

I don't know how Dad has stayed married to her for 62 years, but when she gets sick, he gets totally depressed about it so he still loves her.

Anyway, I don't have an answer to your situation or mine, but can relate.

I'm actually 16 years old and have spent my whole life watching my father verbally abuse my mother time and time again over petty (blown out of proportion) "issues". He treats her as an unequal human being, always talking down to her as if she were a child. (telling her she deserves no rights, is a *insert curse word here*) Once she begins to cry after he yells at her, he then calls her a baby for crying. I've heard him call her every name in the book, and always threatens divorce. He knows that my mother will have nowhere to go and no means to support herself, so its a threat he loves to use. He has treated her like this in front of family, friends, just about everyone. I've been witnessing this from as young as 5 years old. However, theres nothing I or any of my siblings (who are in their 20's) can do. Whenever we mention it he blows his top, starts screaming, cursing everybody out, and of course taking it out mostly on my mom. My dad is 58, and my mother is about 48, this issue is progressively getting worse. I love my mom and it tears me to shreds to see her like this. She is broken-mentally and emotionally. What should I do?

VAS:

I meant physical domestic violence. I guess it's a dominance issue that's even more noticeable when your brother is present.

I would be very concerned about your Mom if I was you... My Father always teased my Mom but he adored her and would NEVER have been unkind to her. This sounds like a situation that will not resolve, soon. They need real counseling and support, if he is not willing, I would remove her from the home.

Jessie. Get your mom to a counselor. She is so beaten down she thinks she deserves this. Can you give her someplace to go? Even a battered woman's shelter would be a better option. They might have programs to help her get on her feet, or she might qualify for disability if her depression is severe enough. Dad may be having mental health issues himself but won't have a reason to deal with it as long as Mom is handy to blame and dump on. You could even call APS because your mom is so depressed and vulnerable, but the problem is they won't as likely insist she take any steps to help herself that she is not ready for.