Any caregivers that are spouses ever feel guilty once their spouse ends up in NH?

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My husband has schizophrenia and many health issues and last year dementia added to the mix. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride since the get go.. (19 yrs) Getting him placed on medicaid and into a NH was a monumental task. He has been in NH for almost 2 yrs now. I visit him 2 to 3 times a week and he gets a 3 day pass every month (so far) to come home. I have never been so happy when he was placed. because 1. he required more care then I was able to provide and 2. was that I was suffering from caregiver burnout and his aggressive tendencies were slowly getting worse, thankfully he never has hit me but his tongue is like a whip @ times and he was getting into all kinds of mischief like ie. road rage, risky behaviors in/around the house like he almost sawed a finger off because he wanted to build something or wanted to use some insect spray on the dog that was not meant for the dog and on and on. Here is the thing, People ask me, they say, You must sorely miss him and you must be so lonely. And I just tell them a politically correct answer and then change the subject. While inside I'm thinking to myself, "Are you kidding, I'm having the time of my life" and then this guilt trip pain hits me and I tell myself that I shouldn't think like that. On the flip-side though, we get along much better now and the staff of the NH can get him to do things that me or the kids never could get him to do. Like, take a shower, eat, put a coat on when it's cold, stay out of the Texas heat. Is there anyone out there going through the same thing?

Answers 1 to 4 of 4
I think most of us feel some guilt, or at least sorrow, when we place a loved one in a nursing home, after all it is nobody's idea of a preferred lifestyle. I'm glad he is more stable there and your relationship with him has improved, maybe next time tell people that although your marriage didn't turn out the way you had expected 20 years ago you are never the less relieved that he was able to get the help he needed.
Thanks Cwillie for your response. I agree w you on that. By the way, I love to read your posts.
When my spouse was hospitalized for two weeks due to congestive heart failure and a leg infection, people would say "You must miss him. " "You must be just run ragged."
Actually no, life was so much easier. Even with working full time and going to visit him on my lunch hour. I finally had time to sit down to eat breakfast. I finally got to SLEEP through a night. But I would never say that. I felt guilty but I was glad he wasn't at home.
You took the words right out of my mind Trailrider. When I was in my 30's I cared for my mother who suffered from metastatic breast cancer. It was difficult but I was younger and Mother was an angel even when the going got tough. She held grace under fire. But of course 1 major difference was that she was mentally healthy. Now that I'm in my 50's being older and having my own health problems now and my husband has been mentally unstable. Wow the going is tremendously difficult. I used to think going to a NH was the ultimate tragedy but now I thank God over and over for the people that care for him. What a difference, what a burden lifted. Course not all the way, I still monitor his care, and visit him 1 to 2 times a week, take him to church on Sunday's (so far) and he gets a 3 day pass (so far) each month and we talk on the phone . Thanks for responding to my question. I've decided shortest response to that question is "yes" for the public at large, course for my tight inner circle they know the situation.

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