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Being the adult child who has taken on the responsibility of being POA, making so many decisions for our mother in a NH, why am I being given a hard time by some of my sibs? Why can't they realize that I am weighted down with extra responsibility and have freed them up. Paying bills, researching elder law, consulting with attorneys, social workers, etc. all from long distance, not to mention my personal expenses in travel to complete my responsibilities. I love my mother and feel blessed to have the opportunity to support her in this way, so I am not complaining at all. I just am having a difficult time in dealing with my sibs who are so self-centered that they are making things difficult for no apparent reason. Temper tantrums over petty issues that are much to do about nothing, and only serves to make waves. Feeling like I am thrust back to junior high dealing with the mean girls!
Any words of inspiration or advice???

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Kara a piece of advice. I'm going to be blunt and truthful. If you continue you will get less and less help from your brothers and sisters and as time goes by resentment, anger, sadness will become overwhelming. Please read the posts and you will see a common story. Siblings will complain, look the other way and leave it all on you as long as you let them. I spent 10 years making excuses for my siblings. Took care of everything cause I was confident they would step up when I really needed them. Thought we had a special bond. Thought they appreciated all I was doing. Not so and I am heartbroken. Have spent 17 years caring for dad and now mom and still they just want to be Updated. I thought it was just my family but now realize it is so very common. My advice is to take a stand now! Make a weekly schedule for all and if they are to far, make them hire someone on their own. If they don't show or handle it let them know mom will have to make it on her own till the next week when another sibling is scheduled to go. The pressure will build and they will eventually fold. (of course you can check on her secretly). but so many good things will come out of it. On the path you are on I fear that your good intentions will lead to loosing not only mom but all your siblings. Forcing them to get involved will create a small army and you can fight the challenges together. Good luck.
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my brother who all 25 years did nothing for my parents stepped up to the plate the last TWO years of their lives to take over their finances and all their legal activities.
Hiding and changing documents and closing all communications with me. My father and mother defended him to all ends being that he is the male child. I have no legal access to their finances or medical needs. Now i go to see them and see them deterioating and living alone in thier 90's and feel helpless that I cannot get them any assistance without any financial access. He does not ansswer phone calls or e mails and refuses fo communicate. Heaven knows what he has changed legally or have had them sign for now they do not remember even what time of the day it is. Somehow they are surviving when he visits and drops off food once (if they are lucky) a week. The food is full of preservatives and not nutritious. I feel helpless and frustrated but it is what they have chosen when they defended and chose him as their designate representative. They are getting worse and more and more helpless and in need of assistance. I try my best to help out with what I can provide but it is a strain on my family and children. I understand that the sibling who is "in charge" feels frustrated but the one who is powerless is frustrated to when they cannot participate in decisions nor have access to find help for their parents.
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I will someday see all of you in Heaven!!!! Of course I have the same complaints only different people in the roles. I now go to the NH to see Mom and after her 2 1/2 years there she's doing amazingly well!!! When someone says she's happy and looks good I say thank you that's a compliment to me. I find that all the horrific times Mom gave me I can now share with others and laugh about them. People love my Mother and if it weren't for my efforts she'd be a mess... may be gone already. The staff and other residents see my concerns for my Mom and give her special attention when I am not there, they all look out for her. My car broke down and missed 9 days and I was totally missed by people I have only known for a short time, these is are rewards and what "those people" who don't focus on the reality are suffering with, have to live with themselves daily. I'd rather be me!!!!
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I feel the same way about my sibs now. Since I posted my initial question my Mother has had a stroke, a surgery, and other serious health problems. My sibs rarely visit her using the excuse that they can't stand seeing her like this. I was even invited to a family dinner at my brothers and told not to bring Mom with me, I, of course, didn't go under those conditions. What nerve! I say over and over, worse than seeing Mom like this is being her like this and abandoned by her own children. The same children (now grandparents themselves) who turned to her time and time again when they had hard times and Mom was always there for everyone. The whole thing makes me sick, if my sibs were friends I'd end the relationship with them. I don't see how there will be any relationship with them after Mom passes. They just aren't the sort of people I would choose to hang around with volunterily. It is sad. As for me most days are really tough with Mom, but I cherish every moment I have with her and whatever I can do to make life easier for her is a joy to me.
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My brother has done nothing to help with my mother's illness and death, or my father, who has dementia and many, many other illnesses, care for the past almost two years. He never even asks, "how is dad?" And yet, I know he will be there ASAP when dad dies because there is money involved. I have gone from being close and loving my brother to nearly hating him... I will never be close to him again after this experience.
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My daughter and I have been taking care of my 87 year old mom with dementia. My brother, who was living with my mom before I came down when my stepdad passed away, has never offered to help, ever lifted a finger to do any housework, never cared at all about decisions concerning mom or home repairs or medical decisions unless his ego got stirred up. And then he was all in my face about something he didn't even know the facts of. He finally moved out a couple of months ago (thank God) but I know when she passes away he and my other brother (who never comes to see mom except when his SS check comes and then sometimes not even then...just in and out) will be surprised and most likely angry to find out that I have power of attorney and that I got mom a reverse mortgage so that she could live comfortably and fix the things that needed attention in her 55 year old house. They won't be happy, but that's what happens when they don't care about their mother enough to even spend time with her. It's not an easy row to hoe but this is where God wants me and I wouldn't have it any other way. My mother was THE BEST when we were growing up...stay at home mom, always loving, kind and concerned, and now I'm here for her. Hang in there and do what's best for your mom. What the other family members do can't be your concern. You can't change them. Focus on you and your mom. Period.
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"Little Red Hen" hahahah you are right...maybe instead of asking for help say you are havin a bar b que and rope em into doing chores first hehehehe...
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Gerdaney: Funny huh? Well 'this little red hen' didn't feel the guilt of not doing when my mother passed away (on my birthday)!! It is unfortuate that siblings in the fifties and sixties are not grown up, and sometimes it takes a major event to move them along, and even then it doesn't always happen
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I call this,"The Little Red Hen",syndrome. You ask for help and no one has the time, [just advice]. then when your parent or whoever you have cared for passes. They all are there for the "harvest" the handout. I have just come to the understanding that I have put in a lot of work, that unless you have been a caregiver no-one understands and never will. But the rewards I have gotten from good stories and time with my parents one on one. They will never have, if money and things are that important to them, they will just have to wait, because I am not done with keeping my parents alive, healthy and as happy as possible. God Bless you and keep you close.
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Yep! You are all right! OK! I'll keep my eye on the ball and not take their crap to heart or let it change my behavior. You are all a godsend! Thank you all for all the understanding and advice! You are all like a breath of fresh air!!
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If your mom trusted you with it there was a reason, Take The High Road. Do not let them pull you back to snotty juvenile behavior! Do your best, keep track and see their grasping petty behavior for what it is....grasping... petty... behavior!
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Thank you for the advice so far. It is helpful. I am the 5th of 6 children. I believe that some of those older have a hard time me being the one "in charge" so to speak. So I think it is a pecking order issue. I also feel that some feel that my accepting of the role of POA meant that I do everything. Maybe it is a jealousy thing, I don't know. And for the record I am treating my role of POA as a professional responsibility. I do have to think, outside the body sort of, making the decision that my mother would want, not necessarily what I would choose for myself. Isn't that the way it should be. I am just feeling exhausted and almost think that without the stress of dealing with them I could manage better. So is it necessary to include them in everything, where should a line be drawn. The final decision is mine anyway, isn't it?
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This story is all to familiar to many of us, and it calls to mind the children's story "The little Red Hen"

WHY is it easier to complain about what someone else is doing, instead of helping? WHY is it easier to find fault with what someone has/is doing than to help. Again this children's fable comes to mind. "Who will help me, asked this little Red Hen?"

Make a list of all the tasks you HAVE been doing and tasks that need to be done on an ongoing basis. THEN, have a family meeting (online, in person, however it would work) and in this meeting define what needs to be done and ask "Who will help me......" If someone steps up to the plate, you will have some help, if no one does, then you should have some 'proof' of your asking.

There is a website that is free, and allows you to 'assign tasks' etc to family members, its a private secure service and again its free.

Lotsofhelpinghand provides this service and having used it myself I will tell you, it helped ME explain what needed to be done,and who was doing it. It also allowed family/those with assess to the website a place to add notes, concerns, messages, pictures etc, with regards to Mom's care.

I hope this helps. If it isn't accepted by your siblings, so be it. DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING, and know in your heart that you are doing the best you can with the 'help' you have. God bless you and the sibling that ARE helping!!
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Ka, If you peel back all the stuff with your siblings, does it come down to money? I mean are they worried that they're not going to get their 'piece of the pie' so speak? If that's the case, then address that specifically with them. Either they trust you or they don't I would think. There's a reason why the Bible says that the "root of all evil is the LOVE of money" you know.
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I am a POA for an elderly great uncle who has no children. My seemingly uninvolved cousin remarked to me when I reached out for assistance that 'he didn't want to second guess my every move because that's what people do to him at work all the time and it isn't helpful'. The net result however is that he appears to be disinterested and I am left handling every decision. I think his remark can tell us something about human behavior and perhaps can offer something for you in dealing with your sibs.
Each of us has our own point of view and given any situation will probably come up with a solution that is different from anyone else facing a similar situation. Your siblings naturally have life long patterns of behavior with you and among each other. During times of stress (sick relative, etc) it may be difficult for them to realize that they must behave more objectively towards your actions because your role as POA is now different from your old role as a sibling. My cousin is being very objective (far too much for my satisfaction) but I respect his point. In the future (beginning now) I am very thoughtfully going to contact him and treat him more like a work colleague when we are working on a task for the 'great uncle project'. For example, I am going to clearly outline tasks that need accomplishing and directly ask him to take a few over. If he declines to do so I will be unhappy but at least i'll know where both he and I stand. I recognize that the stakes are much higher for you and you sibs than for me and my cousin. After your Mother passes on you and your sibs will be left to carry on the family. Perhaps it would be helpful to all of you if you could adopt a professional attitude towards your role of POA and let them know what you are doing. It may give some of them the opportunity to contribute at a level which is comfortable for them (and any legitimate help will be good for you). You'll learn who the self centered ones are pretty quickly if you don't already know. And once this chapter in your life is over you'll have the personal satisfaction of knowing that you did your very best, you will be square with your Mom and God and your sibs will know what you are really made of. Best wishes.
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We are all 47 - 61 yrs. old. No help offered, only complaints. I travel 6 hours to work on cleaning out her house, have shopped around for nursing homes, doctor visits, really everything, 3 siblings in her town do nothing at all. Sorry, should acknowledge that there is a 4th who is helpful in a limited way, so no issue there, but the others, I wish they did realize the favor they are getting. I'm discouraged and doubt if I will even try to have a relationship with them after Mom passes. So sad!!
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Mother has trusted YOU with this responsibility. You have taken on the task. How old are your sibs and do they not realize what a favor you are doing them? Have they offered help? If they have...give them a few chores...deligate & see how fast they back off.
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Oh, my friend...BIG HUG! There are so many emotions that everyone is dealing with ~ grief, denial, anger, guilt, etc. And, to add to the confusion, everyone is dealing with them in their own way and in their own time. Of course, that doesn't help YOU in this moment. First, and foremost, know that what you are doing ~ loving and caring for your mother is a huge blessing to both your mother ~ and you. Try to keep that at the forefront ~ try to let go of the rest understanding that, chances are, it really has nothing to do with you but something your siblings are dealing with. Have you tried having a family meeting to discuss what is going on? Can you have a trusted doctor, pastor, mentor or other professional talk to your siblings or mediate a meeting? Are you a member of a support group? What you're going through is so common ~ unfortunate but true. Keep talking to others ~ keep asking for support and help ~ and keep loving your Mom as you are. In the end, that is all that will matter. Warm hugs ~ p.
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