Who else has worked hard to overcome past abuse and now finds themself having to re-live struggles with parent once again? Anyone angry?

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Mom mom did the same thing to me for five years when I was living with her and taking care of her, and now still doing it to me in the nursing home. She was emotionally and physically dependent on me. For about four years after my dad died we lived together and she was emotionally dependent on me, losing dad was really hard for her, but physically she was still okay. Then she had a close boyfriend for about seven years. The last four years before he died for terrible for me, she had her finger wrapped around me, trying to satisfy all her whims and trying to keep up with his rich lifestyle while she was going downhill physically and mentally. She even went to the elder abuse counsel in Minnesota when I tried to stop her from spending money and trying to keep up with him. Then the final year her boyfriend went downhill all of a sudden with alzheimers. After he died mom became very depedent on me for everything, I was trying to satisfy all of her emotional and physical needs full-time. Finally last September my own health started to go downhill and mom started falling in her apartment, so she is now in the nursing home. At first she was really angry at both me and my sister, tried to sue us, had to go to court to get guardianship because she was trying to check herself out of the nursing home and sending the police over to try to recover her property. This has been a real nightmare for both me and my sister. Now my sister has guardianship, but I am stuck with all the financial work, all the visiting during the week, And I hit rock bottom financially and have to live with my sister now. I am caught in the middle with arguments with my mom and my sister over the guardianship deal and having to explain away where all her stuff is stored in the garage at my sister's. There are a lot of family memories stored in the garage and some of my own belongings, and now my sister wants to just leave the door open and not take care of it properly. Maybe I should just leave town and forget all this and try to pick up what is left of my life. But I am the only family who shows that they care about her and visit her during the week, the rest of my family just comes one time on the weekends for about an hour. Today I spent three hours over there, trying to clean up and pick up around the room, after spending another hour this morning cleaning up my sister's kitchen. Maybe I am just a housemaid now, seems like I get stuck with all the cleaning and laundry.
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God bless you, Sis. Please don't be hard on yourself. It is a natural thing to want to jump in and help someone when they fall. Of coarse we love our mothers, but what people don't understand, is that our mothers don't love us. They only love themselves. That, people just don't get, unless they have experienced the same.

Every time I hear someone tell my mother is "lovely," I cringe inside. I want to scream: O, yeah? Why don't you come home with me? She's a first class witch! And I'm not just being mean. I'm not unforgiving, or angry (well, I do hate evil), but I tell the truth. Mom wrote to the judge that I'm not "honoring her." Whoa! I didn't even defend. What a lie. She doesn't know the sacrifices I've made, not for my glory, but for her best interests. She doesn't know how I cry at night for the way she treats me and my family, after she's complained, criticized, cajoled, manipulated, etc. us. It is a crying shame. And it's not all about me having a pity party. I feel sorry for her; for all she's missing in life. The loving relationships she "could" have.

We who have been abused, will continue until we get to the point we learn how not to. Not that we don't want to give, or help or serve. It's not like that at all. I know you know what I mean. We desire so much more. But I have learned that this will just not be so. We have to fulfill those desires through helping others, and encouraging one another. It doesn't mean you or I are "bad," as our mothers think we are. If only they knew how actually loving and compassionate we are! But others do, and we have to rest in the fact that we cannot change our mothers; only our dealings with them. Unfortunately, this is so sad. They don't think the same way as sane people do. They are not rational, reasonable or concialatory. They only give to receive, and use people.

I suggest you just keep being wonderful you. The ones who matter will recognize this. Your mother? Probably, never. I am truly sorry for you for that. We have to recognize their limitations, and ours, and set healthy boundaries. We have to be strong in the face of their tactics. We have to get help from our friends sometimes to do this. I'm sure you know what I mean. Just the love and compassion from people on this site, who come along to help, amazes me. This is all from their heart, with no interest in personal gain. Doesn't that just make you excited? I know it hurts that we don't have the love we need from our mother. It really really hurts. But we have to remember, the loss is not only ours, but theirs. It is also sad for them. And it is not the way God intended for a mother to be. So we must pray for them. And we ask for, and receive his mercy and grace for us.

Love you, sis! Evil twins? No, just sinners, lost in lust and personal wickedness. I don't know if there's some genetic explanation, but I've seen my mother be nice to others, and O, so evil to me. I don't understand it, and I don't like it, but I can't make her want to be nice to me. Thank God for so many who are. I will focus on the love of others, trying not to feel too sorry for myself. That would be a waste of my God-given emotions, and also cause further harm to me. But vent...I must from time to time. Just so I'm not alone, that the problem isn't all me, and to perhaps help another struggling soul. I know you do that for me.

I think your idea for using a tape recorder is an excellent idea. I told my mom many times I was taping her. She doesn't like it. But now I use show it to others legally. Take care of yourself, sweet lady. Don't let your mom or the devil tell you about your faults and let them eat you up. You are a dear to put up with all your mother's nastiness. Try to guard your heart and emotions, and not be hard on you. The problem is NOT you, but her. Bless you, sis. I'm praying for you. Write anytime.

I told you about the book, "Walking on Eggshells," didn't I? It was helpful for me to see mom's symptoms and attitudes in black and white. There are other helpful books out there as well. I hope you have lots of support.
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Thank you so much. Something tells me also that this isn't a good choice-not necessarily because the lawyer is bad but because only people like you and I (and others here) understand how awful people like our so called Mothers (are they twins by chance) are. I mean, nobody gets it! I have more people tell me to "work with her" or "do it her way and kill her with kindness" and in my case this just isn't possible. She will suck the life out of me (what little life I have left) and spit me out....Each time I set a perfectly reasonable limit on my time or capability she screams that I am abusive and a bitch. (I am thinking she might be laying some sort of groundwork here-and am aquiring a tape recorder)
By the way, your posts are so informative. I'm sorry for what you have had to go through. Sounds like you are almost home free though-congrats!
I realize I need to be stronger and not get sucked in by her. I have missed several opportunities to "move things" by picking her up when she falls instead of calling 911 and then stepping aside. It just amazes me how she can manipulate me even though I know better. I guess its just that we wanted to do the best for them, and as for me its hard to fathom their evil when you have the rest of the world telling you how "charming and eccentric" these people are. I'd like to ask these folks who love all that charm to be a fly on the wall when she goes off on me, and I'd lke to tell them "go ahead-move in for a month-and see what you feel like after she buys food for herself, since she has an income and savings; and your savings is almost gone and you are going to the food bank to eat."
I won't even go into the dump we live in which I own but can't fix up because I cannot afford to.
Up until now, while living away all these years and raising my OWN family I just put aside the way she abused me as a child. Now I'm having to re-examine it (not to mention live it) and am finding it to be a lot more awful and extensive than I believed.
Truth is, I would just like to be free again.
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May I offer my two cents? This is also a warning!!! Whoever is advising you to seek guardianship has not told you the whole story. I am now in court fighting for my own life, finances and sanity due to becoming guardian for a mother from hell. She's not from hell, mind you, but her behaviors are. If you are looking for advice, then I suggest you run, as far from Probate as possible, and never look back. I'm not saying, "Don't help your mother." I am saying that your life will be consumed with trying to please the court, and that is a worse hell, because you'll still have to work with your mother! Believe me, it is not a good choice. If you can avoid it, do NOT continue on that path. Let her choices and consequences dictate her care. This is the worst way to "help" another... And did you know, if she complains, you can be removed as guardian, and the state will have control of her, her finances, and her living conditions. Please reconsider. It is the worst possible scenario, so don't think that it will work out well, especially if your mom can perform. All she has to do is lie, say you're "abusing" her, and they will investigate YOU, remove you as guardian, and then your life will really be hell. I speak from experience. I was just at court yesterday.

I am just a daughter who wanted to help my ailing parents. While I was able to help my dad, who has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's and lost control of himself, their finances, and was a danger to both of them and others, that was an entirely different situation. He is now in a nursing home (for his safety and my son's), and is well-cared for. My mom is still a semi-functioning individual, and she can still perform on certain levels. Guardianship was not a good choice for her. She is using her wicked imaginations and angry bent to work against all the good I'm trying to do. She doesn't understand that she is hurting her own self in the process, and is still an Incapacitated individual, now under the control of a court-appointed overseer. She thinks she is in control of her life, but she is only to the degree they allow her. Yes, she can now blow her money stupidly as she sees fit with court sanction. They "protect" her right in that. But justice and common sense have been lost, and her attorney is lining his pocket off her vengeful attitude toward me. So for whatever she thinks she's gained, she is actually losing. She never did care about nurturing a relationship with her husband or daughters. She was always only about herself. What a bitter existence. She has created her own prison, and thinks she's punishing me, but she is blind and wretched. I know this sounds like a terrible thing to say about one's mother, and believe me, I don't like it either. But she's an abusive, manipulative monster, who only lives to satisfy her own lusts. I could never call her a loving mother. The best I can do now, is try to protect myself from her. I suggest you heed my words, and think long and hard before signing your life away to Probate court. Their requirements will bind you in a prison you won't be able to easily escape. It's not just about "managing mother." You'll encounter worse things if you go through with this.

If you need more info, or have specific questions, please leave a message on my wall.
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Hi All I'm back online and reading what you all have been saying and thereby not feeling so alone anymore. Thanks.
I thought I was the only one with a (and here I too use the term Mom as a mere identifier) Mom-from hell.
Can someone help me with this? Mine has no will, no PO, and no Medical PO. I am being advised to seek a guardianship, but am afraid my Mother the actress will appear and she will charm the you know what out of whoever comes to assess or investigate from the court. She has a way of pulling herself together when she feels she is being "wronged" and will stop at nothing.
Of late I have been wondering whether she isn't actually saner than I am but is just so wicked that she doesn't care one bit about anyone (translate Me-whom she sees as evil incarnate for no reason that I can see, other than that I have let her live in the house I own (and hoped to retire in) rent free, bailed her out of hospital and rehab, moved across half the country to take care of her, leaving a child who still needs her Ma behind, etc) in the least and would do anything to get her own way.
To me this is just so hard to fathom.
I am going to rent "Running With Scissors" and keep my Golden close. I did see Precious and it gave me the shivers because the thread of the abuse was so familiar.
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You are so sweet and encouraging. Really. Wow, here we are, caring for our hurtful parents. Strange, isn't it? Thanks for sharing your story. Perhaps we'll help someone else who is struggling. But, help them how? Maybe just not feel so all alone, or maybe understood, and heard. I don't know. You certainly have helped me feel so. Thank you.

My sister fared worse than me. She was a little younger, by 50 months, and she was more timid, and less bold than me. I was outright rebellious and angry much of the time. I think my sister mostly turned within. But, instead of she and I commiserating together, although we have, mostly she has turned against all of us. Whenever I speak to her, I'm walking on eggshells, much like with my mom. And if I step on one, she lashes out and hangs up the phone. (She learned it from my mom and dad.) My family is just not nice to each other, hardly ever. It's very sad. And my mom missed out on all her kids and grandkids' preciousness. That is entirely non-understandable to me, except by way of excuse, or text book definition of extreme selfishness or Personality Disorder. Out in public, they can play the game.

I am finished with the accounting, but have piles of their accounting mess in stacks everywhere. They really did a number to themselves, and by stepping up, I did to me. What a nightmare this has been. Don't mean to have a pity party all the time. It just is what it is. I cleaned their messes up for the past few years, but have adopted them as my own. And now I need to clean their debris from my home.

Dad did escape some of this through Alzheimer's, but not all. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And from what I read of Personality Disorders, I'm sure it doesn't feel great either. I know both of them affect me negatively. Mostly through grief. The only consolation, if there is one, is that dad is no longer abusing me. He can't. He smiles, and he goes for a walk. He has even stroked my cheek. Wow! That was scary for me. I have a hard time trusting, and that tenderness is something new from him to me. But I cannot talk to him about anything important. He doesn't know mom went to the court concerning her relationship with me. He doesn't know the home he worked for is being dissipated, and that she is giving away valuable things to people whom she shouldn't. Seems the courts just don't care about that! They say she can do whatever she wants, even though I represent him legally. I do not understand our messed up system.

I am sitting here tonight...as always, not sleeping, writing and thinking. I had to file a final guardian report. It was written from my perspective of my mom's mental condition. And they insisted I had to give her a copy. I'm not imagining that will go well for me. I was very direct, revealing, and blunt. I used terminology from studying psychology books, and from her medical diagnoses. I know that won't fare well for me. Things are already stretched quite thin. Can't dance with a hard heart. The judge has called it a divorce. And I don't answer phone calls, because the pain is far too great. She always blames another... Before me, it was dad's fault. You get the picture.

I'm second guessing myself as to whether I should have remained silent about revealing her actions and diagnosis, rather than risk more trouble. She got the county's "star" attorney, who is out for blood, it seems. He was worse than mother. She found a good bulldog. Mine just placated me. That was less than helpful. They will NOT like my report. But I stand before God and witnesses, of whom which are professionals... Still, I'm struggling with the written disclosure of it all. It is hard to do, but necessary, it seemed. So much grief... And I get all the memories. That's probably the worst part of caregiving.
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SS, what a day you had. All of it unnecessary, fueled by hate. One day it'll be over and hope it's soon. It's bad enough you have to go thru it, but why?
You weren't allowed as a child to tell anyone about what went on in your home, neither was I. My story was different. It was my dad who told us not to tell anyone anything. It made me mad, never could understand it. After talking to aunt last night, now I see why. He was probably fearful someone would discover what a nutjob his wife was. Deep in my soul, I do believe my mom had/has two personalities. Evil at home and angelic in public. I mentioned this to daughter, she said I was right on since she witnessed it first hand.
I only have one sister also. She was favorite with mom so her childhood memories are not like mine. I consider her a spineless non-entity. She has the same ultra annoying habit my mom has...ask them a question they don't like and you'll get a shrug followed by dead silence. I have to leave the room when they do that, it's so disgusting.
Hope you're having a good relaxing evening. You deserve it!
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Dear Always, you weren't rude, at all. In fact, I think it's sweet you defended your aunt. My mom's an only, and my dad has/had (one died of dement) 6 siblings too, His sisters have been good to me, at least until mom got a hold of my favorite recently, telling her all kind of lies about me. She was my friend for years, now she seems to have "switched sides." They all just don't know. Since mom and dad were so secretive, who knew? Just me and my sis, and we weren't "allowed" to talk to anybody. Ha! But the family suspected things. Mom didn't want anyone close enough to see the truth.

Got home from turning in the final accounting a little over an hour ago. The Registrar helped, but my attorney didn't. The creep held us up 1 1/2 hours, AND charged $8.00 more than the $1,000.00 of my mom's he originally stated, due to a call HE made to me. Trying to "out-pencil" me, as I've read it referred to. We fired him today, saying we couldn't afford his "help." So the copies will go out to interested parties, and a hearing will be on March 31st to "allow" the final account, unless no one objects, which means we are done. So, from here, no news is good news. I expect news. Her attorney has already threatened me with the filing of a motion for false accusations. Can't wait to call the Bar Association and complain, except that means more attorneys...and who cares except what money they take from our pocket for theirs? So brave? Thank you, but Chicken Little is just numb. Too much falling debris.

I am so tired!!! And my husband stayed up till 3:30 am finalizing everything. I'm ready for my own life to resume. Only I forgot what it used to be. The drama became so commonplace that somewhere along the lines we lost the simple him and me. (Not to mention what this has done to my nine year old.)

Always, thanks for asking, and for your prayers, sweetheart! They definitely make a difference. In fact, they probably saved my day. So, thank you very much! How was yours?
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SS, I didn't mean to come off as being rude. I only mentioned my aunt b/c she hadn't seen me much during my childhood and didn't know of the problems with mom.
My mom was the same way w/dad's family as yours. We always saw her parents but rarely saw dad's folks. I feel cheated to have missed out. My dad was military so we moved a lot and dad's fam. lived in GA. Always had time to see her fam. but not dad's. She was an only and dad had 6 sibs. If we had lived in GA with the fam. believe me somebody would've called mom out. But we didn't and that's that.
My aunt said she didn't understand why, when my dad got dementia, mom didn't tell her. She and another sis came to visit and dad was already failing, they were astounded mom wouldn't warn them. I said mom didn't tell me either until it got so bad everybody could tell . . . then she said something so she could get sympathy as the poor caregiver wife.
I hope all went well at court. You are brave. I feel so awful for you having to go thru this ordeal. I just shake my head and wonder why your mom (and mine) gets away with this.
Let us know how it went. I'm sending positive vibes your way, wherever that is, and saying prayers hourly.
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Sorry, Always. Guess my dad's relatives shouldn't be blamed, either. Forgive me to your aunt. I just meant in general... My mom kept us isolated, too. Dad's siblings say he changed after marrying my mom, and it wasn't for the better. My fave aunt said dad and her were close, then she didn't know what happened to him. I do! Mom was a jealous lonely only who couldn't take the competition from anyone; only wanting the attention for herself. She loved being potentate at home, and in her 3rd grade classroom. Pity her poor students, too. And when things didn't go her way, she became abusive. Dad didn't know cuz he was at work, and hung up the phone when we called with pleas for help. He'd come home to hear from mom how horrible rotten his children had been all day...to mom, of coarse, then do more of the same. It was hell for us. And we were threatened not to tell another soul. At 28, I figured it out when I started trembling as dad was coming up the stairs... And then I knew that my childhood hadn't been right!

Anyway, the relatives suspected lots of things. Today, they just say, "We're not taking sides..." If only someone cared or knew! Too bad I didn't have YouTube back then! I think a lot of kids would be saved that way.

Anyway...I'm off to court today, to turn in mom's final account for her new PG and slimy attorney. I pray the report is just accepted, and that there is not hearing that I have to stand and answer for. "Yes, your honor. Mom really did buy 150 stuffed animals last year. And made me go to the store for her 16 times a week. She really did lie about me to police...and she wants to shop docs for prescription narcotics, too. Now, can I just go home in peace?" Might need my State Police Trooper friend to go along and support me from the momster's accusations once again. Doesn't the court see through this stuff? Why should the caregiver have to suffer at the hand of demented people? This is really sickening! I'm actually going in alone, with only my hubby who did the accounting yesterday (again) getting only 4 hours sleep. Bless his heart. He deserves much better than this, and so does my nine year old and me. But, we must "protect" our elders...never mind their abuse!
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