Who else has worked hard to overcome past abuse and now finds themself having to re-live struggles with parent once again? Anyone angry?

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Nins, I can relate. Yrs ago mom informed me I was the oldest and WOULD care for her in her "old age"...period. My sister was let off the hook. I stepped up to the plate even tho it was hard b/c she'd always been verbally abusive, mean,and I didn't love her. My adult kids voluntarily stepped up to help me. Things went fairly well as long as she got her way. Fast forward to last yr. Got her a part time caregiver. They hit it off. Then it turned from paying the caregiver to friendship because "Daisy" thought mom was so lovely she just wanted to help her. Six mos ago, mom cut off ties with us. Her dr. said she does not have dementia/alz. and I don't think she does either. She's just mean, never has liked me and may I be so bold to say she isn't very bright.
Anyway, for all the care I and my kids gave mom, she is repaying me by suing me. Got the letter 2 days ago. Also revoked my POA. Said I stole all of her legal documents, wouldn't show her the joint baking account statements, they go to HER address. Upon her request a long time ago asked me to keep her papers safe at my house (she lives in her own home). What the heck??? If she wanted her papers back, I think there could be a cheaper way to let me know.
Am I angry? You bet. I don't want to be POA, don't want anything of hers. I'm angry b/c this is yet another slap in my face. But this is the LAST time. I am through with her, my kids hate her. She is pathetic. And did I say I am still ANGRY?!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Yep, for I've just come to see with my therapist's help that I'm a victim of covert incest also known as emotional incest.
Crowe, I'm not familiar with covert incest. Would I be overstepping to ask you to explain? It sounds scary.
I know I need to see a therapist, yet again, about the anger I have towards my mother. Been several times, everytime I think I can overcome, she does something to rehash it all. I'm not sure I will ever get over being sued by my own mother. This is the worst thing she's ever done to me.
AlwaysMyDuty,

Your mother knows exactly where your buttons are. She put them there and she knows emotionally when you are vunerable which makes them easier to set off.

Covert incest is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner for the sake of meeting their own needs which are either not being met by an adult instead. google it and you will find a few sites or search amazon.com and a few books will appear.

What's really bad is that it's often years later like in my case that you realized what took place and how now things that did not make sense all of a suddenly painfully do and ___ does the rage not just anger come forth! This has happened just like my therapist in the spring of 2003 told me it would.

Sorry, but this is all that I really am comfortable with sharing.

May I suggest this. Learn to pay attention what your body is feeling when around an abusive person. I say this because I've been taught and learned that our bodies will tell us quicker than our brains when someone is setting us up for a manipulative trap. It normally feels like your stomach is sick.
Top Answer
Welcome to my world! My mom's an only child, but I think she has an evil twin. My mom has been diagnosed with several Personality Disorders, the least of which being Borderline. And unbeknownst to me, she started what's officially called a "Distortion Campaign" against me. She's called the police, legal services, and hired a lawyer. What a crock! FORTUNATELY, I have several pages of official diagnoses made by psychologists, psychiatrists, Social Workers, and Physicians against her! You wouldn't believe the list:

Alcohol and prescription narcotic abuser for 52+ years
Chronic Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Chronic Depressive Neurosis
Dependent Personality Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

She also seriously lacks judgement, and has memory problems. She can pass a mini-mental with flying colors, so no one will diagnosis her with dementia, but let me tell you, this woman is certifiable!

She was also physically and emotionally abusive to her own daughters, husband, and to the school children she taught for 32 years.

The courts have determined her to be an Incapacitated Individual in need of a guardian and conservator. I was, but she lied and said I was abusing her, so now she has a public guardian (PG). I tried to tell her Attorney the deal, but he scoffed at me, and treated me like absolute dirt. (Haning out with mother has that effect on people.) I also tried to tell her new PG the story. She told me, "...just love your mother." Funny. The other day, she said, "I found out your mother has a Personality Disorder." I asked her, "Didn't you believe me?" She said, "Well, one has to spend a few days with her..."

So, I hope she tried to set some limits and boundaries with mommy dearest and sees how fun that can be. Heaven forbid, anyone should ever try to restrict the Queen Bee!!!! My hubby and I were hostages to her for over two and 1/2 years. Mom lied to doctors, police, nurses, doctors, friends, family and neighbors about me. Why? I guess I was trying to help...

Warning!!! Don't EVER try to help someone like this! You will be sorry you ever tried.

Dad was diagnoses with Alzheimer's, and the whole party was going south. I was advised by their church's team during an intervention to step in and help out. Whoa! I had no idea what I was stepping into. I was only trying to help! I did, and Dad is now safe. He's no longer being abused. What I didn't know then, is that I would be.

I never connected my repressed memories, and childhood abuse with what I would experience these last two years. Thank God I had some help! Thank God I got mom to a Geriatric Assessment Clinic who gave me her diagnosis. And I really thank God that he allowed me to find over 30 years' worth of Psychiatric diagnose reports to let me know that is truly was as bad, because she tried to make everyone believe it was me!

The thing is, they can fake things so well for short periods of time, only astute and sesitized individuals really can detect the game. Casual friends and acquaintenances don't get it. In fact, they like to play hero and rescue the "victim" (frail abused elderly) from their "abusers."

I was so mad when I get a call, then a letter from Mom's attorney, who called to "investigate" me. Mom's so-called "witnesses" against me even testified against me. (They lied!) But what I didn't know then, is that God planned for my escape, by casting out the scorner! The "action" was actually MY DELIVERANCE from a vindictive lying mother. By the end of the week, I hope to be done with some final accounting, and hopefully back to being the wife and mommy I used to be.

I hate Personality Disorders. Never even heard of them until this summer, but...I can tell you stories that would curl your toes, fingers, and every stand of hair! So, yeah, in answer to your question, I got out, then back in, and now I'm out again. In some respects I'm angry. I hate the court system, and the way they do nothing to protect caregivers from abuse. I don't like my mother, and the way she used my family, when all we did was try to help. It was a nightmare. But, I also pity mom. She's a real piece of work. Not only that, but I also found out my only sibling is, too! So I learned a lesson: I don't want to hang out with them, ever again!!! And I have quit answering the phone when they call. Since mom has a court-appointed PG, I'm not neglecting her. All her needs are met, and some of her spoiled rotten wishes, too. They don't care. It's all about $$$ and protocol to them. Let her earn her $60.00 a month, and whatever else she can extract out of her... I've been set free! Lord help me from ever turning back. I have enough stab wounds from that monster, called "mother," thank you.

Now, mind you, I don't want it this way. I want a loving mother, and something to care for in her old age. But it's not happening. So, I tenderly care for my dad and FIL instead. And for whomever else the Lord puts in my path (which have been many.) I'd give anything to have a loving mother, but that will never be. Her conscious has seared her right thinking, and she is lost in the world of darkness and sin. I can't rescue her, and I'm certainly not going to let her continue to take it out on me. I literally fear for the woman's soul. If you were to look in her eyes, you'd know what I mean. That's been my life long experience with abuse. Thank God he has not only spared, but delivered me!
i went through a class called 12 step for emotional healing- at my church and at first i thought it was stupid- i took the class because i was telling a friend that i had low self esteem- she told me about the class- kinda felt weird cuz to 12 step is for alcoholics- anyway took the class and it totally changed my relationship with my mom from parent/child to adult/adult relationship - it was really changed me for the best- my kids hated it though because i was a care taker and maybe had some obcessive compulsive disorders with cleaning but as the
class turned into class after class they started getting more chores because i was getting emotinally healthy and started realizing (among other things)that i was doing everything for them to try and when their love( bless their hearts, but i have learned from my experience and my mothers- she totally spoiled my brother who lived with her till 44 and he spent all her money)- your kids wont respect you if you dont expect anything back - but my daughter at 16 wrote me a letter saying how proud she was of me that i changed the only way i knew how to be. My husband and kids would also mock me and laugh at things i would say and get mad at me when i would engage with the normal dysfunction that was going on in our family - i could see how bad it was and would not engage- lol ! I also read a book called codepentdent no more- and wow! what an eye openr - so good luck hope this helps!
beta42,

Codependency is a self-delusional form of control that pretends like love, but in the end it is an effort to win love and we who struggle with it were actually just a mascot for those who laughed behind our back while we thought we were breaking our backs, but the more we did the less they respected.

I had to stop being a rescuer of people within my own family and beyond, plus stop trying to champion people in work situations that frankly did not want to be championed.

Until 12 years ago, I'd never heard of borderline personality disorder although I had heard of narcissistic; anti-social and multiple personality disorders. Like one therapist told a family member, 'we used to just call borderlines mean people" Understandably, for most of the male borderlines are in prisons; a lot of female borderlines are in mental wards; quite a few female borderlines are in some other things in which they entertain foolish men who they make feel good, but whom they actually hate; and some of them like which includes some in my family and extended family become mom's themselves. The problem with BPD is they know how to mask normal, but at home with those most intimate with them they are like the president's wife Mary Todd Lincoln who was known as the hell cat of the white house. My family has been living under the bondage of my MIL BPD and my FIL totally emasculated weak fearful, obligated existence who out of guilt told his two girls as kids that he saw what was going on but could not do anything. We've lived, gone on vacations together and gotten together over the holidays and for birthdays from 1988 until 8 years ago when in my frustration and burnout I put my foot down and said enough, I want my life back, I don't know how to define it or even how to get there. But with the help of face to face therapists and a wonderful online support group for someone who has a family memmber with BPD, I started making boundaries, setting conseqences and following through. I'm not completely where I want to be, but I'm not enmeshed walking on eggshells like I once was. Plus, after some time as I did the boundary thing others started doing this also and we are far more liberated than we have been in years. My SIL's husband has a learning disability, but he can thank me for saving his marriage because his wife was about to join the emperess and become the next female darth vader. Now she's on of the best mental health jedis of all of us who are not in the darkside. I wish my life and relatives weren't the way some of them are, but I've been accustom since childhood for people to just be intrusive and bust boundaries. I didn't like it and knew it was wrong as well as occasionally said it was wrong, but I had lived around it with my mother, great aunt and grandmother. About two years ago, I came to see that the largest amount of anger I was carrying was mainly toward myself for not standing up soon than I did. However, I got help enough to see, dang, at least I stood up or I'd ended up just like my FIL which frankly death would be preferable to his enslaved existence.
Crowe, thank you for sharing even though I know it must be painful to talk about it. I'll start doing some research. Yes mom knows the buttons. She always waits until we're alone and then starts in. Or she waits til she's alone with my son or my daughter, never together, and tells them how horrible I am. They stopped her,said they didn't want to hear it. It's her MO my whole life. She waited til my Dad was at work or away and then it was mostly verbal abuse, some physical. Dad and I were close so she knew she couldn't do it in front of him. I never told Dad much but he knew I had an intense distrust of mom.
I'm sick to my stomach now thinking about what you said about being sick to your stomach when around an abuser. For most of my life, that's how I felt around mom.Wow this discussion has been an eyeopener.
Secret, my mom was an only, I've always thought she had an evil twin also. How eerie! She's never been diagnosed with dementia/Alz/mental disorders. Last yr I asked her dr. to look into it, he said she was mentally fine. But to sue your daughter for stealing important papers after you asked her to keep them for you doesn't sound like the workings of a sane mind. She wants to hurt me and she'd do anything to be sure I suffer. And the only way she can do it now is to sue me because I won't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she's affected me. She thought I'd be mad to have POA revoked and taken out of her will but I'm relieved,not mad. I don't pity my mom, I don't like her, I don't and can't be around her. If her caretaker, Daisy, who I feel is behind most of this, abandons her, then my sister better get ready. She's left mom to me all these yrs, it'll be her turn now. They ought to get along just fine, they're like two peas in a pod.
I read all these posts from daughters who love their moms, they may get annoyed but still love mom. I just can't relate. I know what love feels like. I loved my dad more than words can describe. I've never felt love towards mom. I don't think she's ever loved me either. And wanting it won't make it happen.
To be able to release this intense sadness here with such understanding people has helped me immensely and I appreciate all of you!
Dear Always, I'm so proud of you for the steps you are making. You have the boldness to call a spade, and not fall into the trap of, "But she's my mother!" I did, but fortunately it was short in duration. Actually, I never saw it coming. I'm glad you shared your story. I, too, like the gut listening part. Now I understand my growing anxiety. I was procrastinating even necessary duty. Now, thank God, I don't have to do it anymore.

So, I'm curious! What brought you to ask the question? Are you still involved in your mother's life, or not? And is her caregiver, Daisy her new POA?
This has been both good and therapeutic, but also intense and full of drama. So, I'm going into my "Man Cave" and chill so I can actually sleep tonight!

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