We hired a caregiver while mom was sick. Since her death the caregiver has created a friendship with my dad who is now giving her money. What should we do about this?

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I feel if your Dad is of sound mind-and he wants to give money to the caregiver-then by all means let him do so-however it may be a good idea to discuss this matter with him to learn the reasoning behind all of this. If you found this caregiver thru an agency-and feel she is taking advantage of matters-I would contact the agency.
Good luck with resoving this issue~
Hap
gbeaty
There are a couple of red flags in your question.
1) If the hired caregiver came through an Agency then she is definitely violating some agreement she must have had with that Agency regarding professional behavior and ethics. Your father should never have been encouraged in this relationship by the caregiver regardless of how HE feels about her. There are a lot of similar stories out there and most all of them turn out bad. This gives a bad name to the Agency and that is why such behavior is strongly discouraged.
2) There is no reason for your dad to continue "giving her money" if her caregiver services are no longer needed. She should be moving on to her next client. ( if your mom left a specific request in her Will for this, then that is a different story. But even then it should be a one-time event and not a regular payout.)
3) If your parents were poor enough to qualify for medicaid assistance that paid for the home care provider would this person still hang with with your father? (yes I refer to gold digging in case you don't get my drift)
gbeaty,
If your dad is of sound mind, there's little you can do. If you want to pursue it, make sure you have all your facts straight. Go to the agency and lay it on the table. And good luck.
In my situtation, I called an agency, "Daisy" came over, mom liked her right off, I was pleased that mom was happy and life was grand. Daisy took mom to doc, store, lunch.They became friends with Daisy taking mom along on all her errands, parties at the agency owner's home,day trips. Stuff mom never told me until she slipped up months later. To make a long story short, mom didn't think I and my adult kids gave her enough freedom, we asked her to watch her spending, we didn't hop to every time she snapped,etc. Several months ago, my son/I had our POAs revoked, were disowned, written out of the will and so on. My lawyer said if I wanted to persue any charges, I'd have to prove them, but all I had to go on was "gut feeling".(Plus it'd cost a fortune to hire a PI on the owner/Daisy. They are slick, never letting me see anything.) Yeh, my gut feeling is Daisy is a gold digger and mom supplied the gold mine. She is my age, has now become mom's new daughter. I wish I could say mom has dementia, she does not. Mom is not guiltless, she chose Daisy. Mom is sneaky, she got great pleasure in doing this to me and my kids. No matter what we did, it wasn't enough so she decided to get even. I just pray for my mother. That's about all I can do with her.
I responded once regarding this issue w/Dad who kept an ongoing relationship with an employee at a nursing home who helped Dad change my sick mom's soiled diapers on occasion. When mom passed, Dad "lent" her $2,000 which I found out after reading his bank statement. I had her pay him back with money orders but she never paid the full amount. Then Dad told me she wanted to move into his house w/her husband and daughter and she also asked for him to sign for a car loan. He did not (not that I know of) but he kept insinuating that they were having a sexual relationship (she's half his age) They were have secret meetings at the local Walmart and at her home. After almost 2 years of I reported this to her boss who after repeated complaints intervened and threatened her job. Dad was devastated, but he's over it now. Now he's talking about getting married with someone we don't even know! We just can't win!
maraljake, your dad really gets around! At least you got rid of problem #1 and I'm glad her boss listened to you. I would've gone to Daisy's boss except I know he was involved to some extent. Our parents can sure get involved in some crazy situations, can't they?
I would tell him and this caregiver if he has to go on medicaide within 5 years she will have to pay the money back and I would also see an elder lawyer charged to your Dad to get his or her advice probably one letter will do the trick-my husbands union did not want to give me half of his pension even though he got 35 thousand dollers less after he retired so if he died I would get half and after 5 months of playing games one letter from the lawyer changed things in a matter of days.
See an attorney.
Whew. Ok, unless this "caregiver" is giving care to your father, then there is no need for her services anymore. Your mother is deceased.
Call the agency and tell them that her services are no longer needed.
End of discussion.
N1K2R3
gbeaty, When your mom was in the process of dying, your dad and this woman formed a common bond. I totally get that part, what raises the red flag for everybody is, that it goes beyond the 'bond' and starts into the money aspect. If money were to be left out, but she still dropped by and chatted with him, then there wouldn't be as much as a problem I would imagine. But start talking about greedy care givers that take advantage of old people, that's another story. I would talk to dad and tell him that having a true friend doesn't depend upon giving out money. Down deep he will agree with you, because he knows that you can't buy friendship. We all know that. If I had been the one taking care of someone lonely and old, and they wanted to give me money, the first thing I would've done is contact the family and tell them. If the family agreed to it, then all is well, but they certainly should have been given that option, and kept in the loop. It's the stuff that goes on behind a family's back that is not good. Dad is just lonely and likes having a woman around, that part is normal I guess. But you are still going to have to protect his thinking about finances till he 'gets his sea legs' again.
My father gives his female "friend" money all the time when he barely has enough money to live off of. IT SICKENS ME, but I was told there is nothing we can do. It definitely should be illegal to take advantage of an elderly person's affections, but there are some low life people who don't seem to care. They will have to live with themselves and answer to their maker someday. I feel bad for you also.

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