Follow
Share

I joined this site because I need advice or input on what to do about my situation. I am 30 years old and have been taking care of my parents for over a year now. I pay their bills, insurance, car payment, etc. Both my mother and father do not work. My father was fired from his job about 2 years ago and went thru his whole retirement in 1 year. He has been an alcoholic all his life and just recently found out he has prostate cancer so he is depressed and can not work now and the cancer is possibly spreading. My mother, who has been a stay at home mom most of her life, started to work at a few nursing homes about 8 years ago and ended up injuring her arm at one and her foot at another so she is unable to work now too. My dad is 55 years old and my mother is 52 years old. I have to constantly tell my parents what to do when it comes to filling out paper work for financial help from the government and have told them both to file for disability to see if they get approved, but they have not yet and keep telling me they will do it. Both of them have the mentality that they are too old to do anything like go back to school to learn a new trade as well. I have two little brothers. One is an alcoholic and the other brother is a drug abuser. Both of them are unemployed and still live at home with my parents so everything is bestowed upon me. I am married and would like to start my family soon, but feel obligated to take care of my parents as well. My husband wants me to cut them off financially.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Sometimes, as much as it hurts, you need to "cut them off." It sounds as if they all will take advantage of you if you let them. Do you go to Al-Anon? I'd highly suggest it, if you don't. That could help you through this.

You don't need to give up your own life for them, even though you love them. They can get help filling out papers. It seems they need to feel responsible for themselves before they will do anything. You can advise them as to where to go for the paperwork, and then you may have to let them crash, financially. You could find that they suddenly find ways to get along on their own.

Don't let this ruin your marriage and your hopes of a family. You deserve a life, too. It's agonizing to detach and cut off family, and I hope your husband will give you lots of support, should you go that way. Please seek out Al-Anon or Families Anonymous for extra support and understanding.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your situation is a tough one. Harsh as it may sound, you should not enable your parents by doing everything for them. Youare helping them to remain stuck by not cutting them loose. Your huisband is right. Don't ruin your marriage based on your parents' thoughtless behaviors. Life is not easy for anyone and while their situation is unfortunate, they are young enough to take some steps to keep themselves afloat without full-time caregiving. Sounds like they have given up. Have you considered family counseling for the 3 of you together? It would quickly shed some light on the unhealthy behaviors.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am 50 years old and just earned an AA degree in Dec. I can't imagine not working. Anyway, 6 years ago I had to take care of my mom who always enabled my brother and his kids to live off her while they did drugs. She also was an alcoholic. When I took her in I put my foot down right away that I was only taking care of her. My brother hated me for a while, saying I "made" him homeless. But funny thing happened, he ended up getting a job and a place of his own and straightened out his life. It wasn't easy but I had to set boundaries with my family in order to keep my own sanity and my relationship with my boyfriend. Your parents need to do this on their own. You are enabling them to continue to be stuck. The fact of them being too old to work is bologna. I work with people in their 60's that work 2 jobs! You need to start taking steps back from them. Be supportive when you can but keep putting responsibility back on them. I relate to you feeling like you are the responsible one but take it from someone who tried to fix everyone's life, it does not work! This is something your family has to go through. You need to concentrate on your own life. If you don't, you will be the one having a breakdown. Your parents need to take back control over their own life. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

One of the worst things about taking back your life (especially after giving so much for so long) is the guilt for "quitting", and the lack of appreciation from those you've helped. It feels bad. Then comes the anger from the people you've helped over the years because now they have to change and they don't want to. They have become comfortable letting and then expecting you to do all the work. How dare you not carry their load may seem to be their attitude! The truth is the best way to heal a situation like yours is to start with yourself! That's the only one you can truly change anyway. As you change and begin to honor yourself and your life they will be forced to change their behavior towards you. People seldom willingly change after they've become comfortable letting someone else take the consequences for their actions unless they are forced to.

If the sins of the Father are visited upon the son, then alcoholism is certainly one of those sins. It runs in families until someone in the family recognizes and changes the pattern. You have the awareness and strength to change generations of abuse which has been visited upon the sons and daughters (you included). You can make the difference where generations before you have failed! It will take all your willpower to stay the course because just like your family you have grown accustom to these behaviors and changing them will feel strange and harsh at times, which is probably why no one has changed yet.

You must have support and al-anon is a place where you can get it. There are people there who have already gone through this and understand what you're facing. You can heal the generations that came before you as well as the ones that will follow you, THAT'S HUGE! That makes you a very special and valuable person. Determined that the sins of your forefathers will no longer be visited upon you or your future kids. You really can do this, I know I was there too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.