janny52 Asked February 2010

I'm thinking of a nursing home for my mom, but the thought just kills me. Does it get easier?

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. . but every time I do I feel nauseous. Actually sick to my stomach.
She (93) is the sweetest person I've ever known but she has dementia, can't walk well and needs 24 hour supervision. My father (94) is in rehab and we've been told that he can only take care of himself when he comes home.
Meanwhile I've been living with her and would like to get back to my husband and son.
My parents just want to be together. Up until a few weeks ago they were together all day and they hold hands when they sleep.
She will probably need to go into a nursing home and the thought is just killing me.
Does it get easier?

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NancyH Feb 2010
Then no more guilt, let it go. It is what it is... Doesn't mean you have to like it though.
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janny52 Feb 2010
Thanks everyone.
I took the leap today after talking to the physical therapist and social worker at the rehab my father is in. I discussed it with him and he agrees it's the only solution - with sadness. I was told today that he will only be able to care for himself when he returns, and thereafter.
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cmarlein Feb 2010
I am about to place my mother in a NH and I know what you are feeling...my mother is only 78 but I have been taking care of her in my home for almost 2 years since my Dad passed away. I also have a full-time job, 2 teenage boys and a husband....it has a been a very difficult decision to place her but one that we are hoping will be for the best. We found a good place and they provide many acitivities for people with dementia. She also is unable to walk unassisted and needs round the clock supervision. I know that sick-to-my stomach feeling about placement too but I have to take this leap of faith and hope it is all for the best. Sigh....
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NANCE Feb 2010
My Mom, also 93, in a NH, with dementia.
She is much better off there, but, yes, it's very hard to do.
She is happy some days--extremly sad others.
I don't think it gets easier, but I do know that I am more relaxed about her safety and care.
Even with dementia, they make friends and the NH that she is in has many activities.
My Mom also is sweet most of the time and when she isn't, it comes as a shock to me.
She was moved to a private room because of violence towards her room-mate, so be prepared for actions that you never seen before.
I hate this path were on, but really can't do much about it. Good luck to you and know changes like I mentioned will take place no matter where she lives,the staff at the NH are trained to deal with it, I'm not.
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NancyH Feb 2010
What about adult foster care? My father-in-law was there for the months before he died. My m-i-l went and spent, literally the whole day with him. There was only 1 other man at the time, so it was a lot more intimate and he had great care. But even in a nursing home, he can still spend time with her there. It's just a lot more noisy and busy.
And if your mom doesn't get along with the roommate they give her, ask for another room. I brought a platter of cookies from Albertsons every week for the people that took care of my mother-in-law. They knew me by name, and I believe they were more attentive to her while she was there. I know that working at a nursing home is a thankless job, and those cookies were much appreciated. Also, I volunteered to give her a shower when I came and visited. They were swamped, and do a rush job since there's so many patients to shower. She and I had a good laugh over that, let me tell you.
(She was there for a few months getting over a broken hip)
Also, after awhile I got her into my car and took her for a ride and out to ice cream. So being in a nursing home isn't the end of the world, there's lots of things you can still do with your mother. It's not a prison, but it is an adjustment, just like everything else in life.
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