How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?

I always try the direct, "honest" approach first. Tell her that he's too sick to be at home with her right now. Tell her there is something she can do to help him: You can both pray for him. If she's like my mom, with her very limited short-term memory, she'll forget and you'll be saying the same thing over and over, like that movie, 50, first dates! Anyway, I like the Skype idea mentioned before. But that may be too upsetting, given that she can't be near him in person. There are no easy answers to a loved one when the truth is so painful. But I think they learned that long ago and might very well appreciate an very honest and plain answer. 'specially with love, a hug and prayers:)
Just thought of one more thing...Maybe there's a special goody he used to enjoy eating and the two of you could make it and mail it off to him. Or, if he's on a special diet, you could help her make something for him to look at, like a fun scrap book. She could leave a space for him to put something in for her to look at, then it could be mailed back to her and she'd be "it" - her turn to put something else him for him to comment to, etc. then send back. Just ideas...

Anyone can say that because their parents took care of the needs as children that the adult children now owe devotion to taking care of their aging parents. Taking care of parents does not appear to be the same as parents taking care of children in my opinion. With parents, many health concerns for adults are the issue, unlike children, who may be healthy, energetic and constantly learning new things.

Goodafternoon,

your mom i'm guessing has dementia ,you see she remembers things then she forgets things the she hulucinates....

Her state of mind is remembering and forgetting things periodically..

you have to go with the flow to accomodate her every questions...

if she thinks your her husband is at walmart then you say he will be back later..

if she says he's not coming back cause she thinks he's passed on then go to her and apologize say your'e sorry be empathetic,give her a hug, because in a few minutes she will switch again.

ask her caregivers to accomodate her in that way...

its part of a not normal aging process, be cool...just enjoy her..

about a Nursing Home ,the best most comfortable happiest place your mom can be is living the last days in her home...dying in her home when she is ready..its her house after all.

Accomodate your mom not you....thats whats important...

hire a live-caregiver, money does'nt seem to be an issue..everyones working like you said..

why not? be a giving loving daughter, your parents did take care of you...

besides these are her last days, feed her well let her enjoy music and tv family photos, nursing home dont offer love...

hope this information help..

God bless
sharon {sheridan}

Sorry, i dislike 'therapeutic lying'. That's simply for the teller's benefit. I'd hate to be lied to.

Heart heavy- but tell her the truth. My mom has her moments of presence and she said one day "I am old - not a child and you better not treat me like one!!" As difficult as it is i do- gently- but i do. Wise words from the aging.

If he is in Hospice care, then he is expected to have less than 6 months to live. You don't say if he has inpatient Hospice care or home based Hospice. I'm guessing you mean inpatient. To the person who suggested they be in the same facility - that is not possible with inpatient Hospice,unless she also is eligible for hospice. There are quite specific insurance rules. I agree with those who also are concerned for that gentleman. What can be done to help him feel cherished by the wife he cared for?

Hope and prayers does help.

singing telegram.

There's not much I can add to the answers here, very good answers. I agree they should be together.

Doesn't say Mom has Dementia. So it sounds like she's fully aware that she has been separated from her love. This is very sad.

ptimmie, Your family's situation is so hard to hear about. I visit this forum often and there are so many feelings associated with the different postings, but thinking about what your mom and stepdad are going through brings tears to my eyes. I don't have any advice for you but I just want to say thank you to you and your siblings for being so kind and strong in caring for your parents. They are lucky to have y'all and I know that your empathetic decisions will be the very best that can be made in an impossible situation. I'm sending my sincere best wishes.

Back in the early years of 1960 or earlier, at least one woman, usually a housewife, was always home for care for family members, and only the men needed to work to support the household. The cost of living today is so great that now everyone has to work, even after age 65, making it very frustrating to be a caregiver to anyone in need.

I'm away from my husband, caring for my Dad, so my opinion is biased. Relocate her husband, too. That's horrible for them to be apart for the time they have left. Do you know how damaging loneliness is? It is Hell on Earth, a tortuous pit, heartbreaking and no amount of Skyping can make it better. God bless, and prayers for you as you make this difficult decision

Bring the two of them together, in the same care home, where ever you want...
It seems so sad to have them apart....I guess Skype would be the next option...I am not a fan of "therapeutic" fibbing. It makes the situation smoother sometimes for the caregiver...but it doesn't set well for me.

Thanks, and, Oh, is this AgingCare website really understaffed (for economical reasons) and therefore unable to more quickly update the "reports" to delete the late or former registered users on their website's posts? Perhaps it is time to get an act together for more assistance and avoid more surprises!!

Ptimmie posted this question August 24th 2011 and has not posted or updated sense. Yet, this question keeps popping up in our emails asking if we can help this member. There are now 131 posts and people continue answering as if this is a current question. I for one believe there are enough current questions that need our attention. Will administration or the webmaster please do something about this. It could be closed to further comments but the information left live as an archive. Other websites do this all the time.

Ptimmie, if your parent cannot be together, would a social worker or psychologist be a good idea to help your Mom cope with her lost independence and companionship of her spouse? My abusive behavior Mom and I are only a ten-minute drive away, yet I have been advised by the management and out-of-state family members to not visit her or even to call or write to Mom, her social workers or staff, because her behavior will only escalate and get worse if she knows that I "dropped by" to bring belongings over or even corresponded to her help! Mom dearly misses me and our home and always wants to come back (since April 2013, but has been placed in a private care residence by family/me for her 24-hour assistance and safety concerns; much, much too expensive for the same care at our condo residence.

PLEASE - THERE MUST BE A WAY TO CLOSE DOWN THE INTAKE OF FURTHER ANSWERS TO AN OLD THREAD ! !

Ptimmie posted this question on August 24th 2011 and has not posted since. Yet this question keeps popping up in our emails asking if we can help this member. Let's stop answering this question and let someone start a new question if they want to!

I have to agree with Sherry777. Why do they have to be apart. If you are putting her in a home anyway. Why shouldn't they have what time they have left together. They must have loved each other very much or they would not have remarried. It shouldn't have to be one or the other. As her children, How do you feel about her husband. To me my Mother's happiness would be the most important thing to me with what time she has left. I am going through the same thing with my mother. The only difference is I am keeping her at home and taking care of her with my cousins help, because my sister is to busy, so she says and because I refuse to put her in a nursing home. Tried that and she got so sick from a toxic infection in her blood from them leaving her in her own waste to long and she almost died. She is forgetting more and more everyday, but I am doing what I know she wanted when she was still remembering thing and that is to go with god in her on home. They should have what makes them happy while they still can. That is what love is all about with family. Sacrifice and compromise.

Sherry gave excellent advice and I bet by being together your Mom and her spouse will be happy to be together again, wouldn't you want to spend our final years, months days with your spouse? I sure would.

How do you tell your mom she's not comming home and Nh is where she's going to be living? At this time ts what's best for her as far as I'm concern. Most a and D people don't get asked where they want to live. Mom is not one who can be alone one minute of the day. At this time I don't feel that I can handle her needs at my home. She asks that she would prefer being in a home where there's one nice lady to take care of her24/7. She doesn't realize that somebody has to pay this nice lady. And right now neither or her has the funds to support another nice lady and the other expenses that comes with it. It hurts to tell her that. So I just say, when the time comes. Even though she does not believe me. Thanks for listening.
I come to realize that the posts are from 2011.
Equinox

What a heartbreaking story. I know she is your Mom and you have to take care of her the best that you can, which means moving her back to California. It is extremely sad that her husband must face death alone but we are not sure how ill he is or how long he has left. Hopefully your mother's dementia is advanced enough that you can fib to her and she will accept it, if not I am sure she will continue to ask for him. They evidently loved each other or they would not have been together nor would he have cared for her. At least call and check on him and let her know he is fine.

This is a very difficult situation. God Bless you all!

My parents are both in nursing home, together in same room . Both have dementia and mom is now on hospice .Although it is very convenient for me to keep them together my dad is very protective of her, he does not want anyone to touch her. He keeps vigil over her all day not knowing what is going on .He thinks she is sick and going to get better. I don't have the heart to tell him she won't. They now argue because they are so confused. It is so hard to watch. My point is, be careful if you do put them together. Although it seemed like a good idea at the time, I am not so sure now, but will not separate them now after 70 years together!! Good luck with whatever you decide....

The hardest thing here is with our very important family who can no longer take care of themselves is that you can still sacrifice yourself to death without using available options for proper care unless you can resort to your siblings, a professional care manager, or both, and obtain full support on what possible options and arrangements work out with your family when you, and yourself need the most help to save yourself. And always have faith in yourself first before you can serve anyone else. When your private arrangements are not enough, please ask for assistance before anyone gets hurt worse.

My father passed on to Glory in 1979 and my Momma has helped us raise our three girls and two grandchildren. She is 92 and doesn't have dementia but still feels close to Daddy by lots of pictures in her room and we all talk about him with her. I can't imagine what you are going through. But I feel so bad for her husband. I hope he has Family with him. They need to be together for his sake at least when the passing comes. I pray they are christians, that makes things have a lot more peace. I would pray about it for a while and I will pray for you and your Family also. GOD bless. My Mother makes me crazy at times too and prayer is the only thing that helps me get through this crazy time in our lives. But Family is the most important thing and it is worth it all in the end! Maybe is you talk to him he will have some understanding in this to help you, if he can still talk to you.

If all options, including prayers(!), appear to fail, perhaps it is time to consult with a geriatric care manager. Have him talk with your loved one to explain his options: private home care vs nursing/rehab facility or board-and-care home. Decide which option costs the most reasonable. Hey, if the loved one will run out of his funds, then Medicaid will just have to pick up the difference between what his fixed income does cover and the actual cost of the care. YOU ARE NOT GUILTY or responsible for spending your time, energy or money caring for the loved one. Stress will probably kill you first before your loved one dies. Some of the younger folks have to work for a living and save for our own old days!! The affected loved one should have saved up his own funds to deal with the current care requirements. YOU yourself need to save up your funds for the day when YOU NEED YOUR OWN CARE! I assume that most people are not rich enough to handle the escalating exhorbitant cost of the required, perhaps for 24-hour assisted living) care, and that is why we are saving money for inheritance (?)! Try to forget about this and take care of yourself before you have exhausted your own life ahead of the recipent's!

PatatHome01

PatatHome01

Maybe Just Tell her as it's Her Husband.

I think past questions can have some value because someone is currently going to experience the same thing and reading past answers can provide quick information. Just a thought.

Consider your self Hugged! Guess it opens an other avenue of communication. I guess if you respond to these it will never end. See you on another question someday since I will no longer respond. My message came from you to them then me.

Ohhh. I was just about to tell you to FOLLOWING and DELETE it. But you just said it still does. Hmmm...That usually works for me...OR..if you are FOLLOWING someone, then it will pop up. All well...Try again to DELETE??? =)