RRccRR8 Asked May 2012

Should I place Mom in a Nursing Home or Not?

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My Mother requires 24 hour care and cannot be left alone . I also have my father in law who is also in the very early stages of dementia, whom I like but not ready for . My son and husband need more attention than I can give because Mom comes first and father in law is always there. I cannot ask Mom's other children for help they have done everything in their power to make my job harder than it should be. Besides Mom did not trust them when she was well so I sure do not. I am also not sure she will qualify for medicaid and the cost can add up quickly. She qualifies except for the House she sold 4 years ago, Should I keep trying or should I keep her at home for another year. I do not have thousands to gamble with, that she should get excepted and don't mind taken care of her just need breaks.The guilt of placing her in there is extreme. Am I doing the right thing ? Now about my father in law maybe some of you have seen this behavior before He follows my Husband everywhere, tries to dress like him, even rides to work with him sitting in a truck for hours(with AC) because he is not allowed on job sites, when they are home he continues to look for and ask where my husband is. My Mother never did any of this It is the strangest thing and creepy too, cause he is constantly looking out the windows and doors for my husband. I think I am jealous of my Father in Law? How weird is that?

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RRccRR8 May 2012
The cut off cost to getting medicaid here is 1259.00 (i believe that is right or real close). My Dad did not qualify for medicaid. The facility said she must be admitted first and then we get approval for medicaid due to the acceptance of the facility being different than my Mom getting accepted on her own.I will contact the AOA and see if there is something different . Thanks for all your guidance. RR
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RR: I'm going to try to fill in the blanks here so I will need some feedback from you as what I get right and what I miss. So, I take it your father was on Medicaid, possibly in a nursing home, and when he passed, you mom's income increased. Possibly, she was no longer losing part of her income to the cost of your father's Medicaid.

In Washington state, an income of $1375.00 per month would qualify for Medicaid. My dad's income is $1500.00 monthly and he qualifies due to his monthly income.

Maybe there is a misunderstanding with what the Social Worker told you. Your mom could not be admitted to a "Skilled Nursing Facility", most often found in Nursing Home/Rehab center, unless she was admitted to the hospital for a problem and had a 72 hour stay. Then she would go to the SNF and possibly rehab and that would be paid by Medicare for approx. 100 days. She would be released from care once she was no longer making improvement. That could be a matter of weeks. If at that time, you felt you could no longer manage her care, the social worker at the facility would help you with the Medicaid application so your mom could stay on as a resident.

I think you have been ill advised or, like most of us, the whole thing is over whelming. Have you talked to your local Area on Aging? If you don't know how to reach them, call your local Department of Social Services and ask them how you make contact with AOA. They can explain many things to you about the process of filing for Medicaid for your mom. You local department of Social Services can help you with that too.

RR: Even if your mom had an income of $2,000.00 per month, she could still get help from medicaid and be in a nursing home. They would take her income first, apply it toward her bill for the nursing home and then Medicaid would pick up the difference.

You need to get some help with this. Call Social Services. That is where you begin with the application.

Good luck and many hugs, Cattails.
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RRccRR8 May 2012
Since my father passed in feb. 2012 her medicaid was cancelled so instead of receiving 750.00 a month she now receives 1379.00 just a little over the limit for medicaid. The nursing home said that she could not get approved unless she is admitted and if she isn't accepted I would have to take her out until I could pay for the days she was in there. Is there any way to get pre-approved?I have appreciated all your help and Thanks for listening
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RR: Have you applied for Medicaid for your mom? If your mom sold her house for $34,000.00 4 years ago, it's hard for me to imagine that Medicaid would turn her down. That's not much money and I don't see how they can prove she gifted any of it to children.

I understand that your father-in-law likes going with your husband. If he can get himself up in the morning and get himself dressed, etc., then he is doing pretty good.

I think your mom's care is the most difficult for you, requiring 24/7 on your part. Again, have you actually filed with Medicaid on her behalf.

Cattails
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RRccRR8 May 2012
I hope you all understand my Father in Law wants to go, he gets up every morning on his own and shaves and dresses himself . He has the option to stay at home with me and my Mother. He comes home telling about his day and how many steps he walked that day, if it is safe. I don't want you all thinking we make him do this. We just think he is weird for wanting to ride all day. My Mother's house sold for 34,000. She has never kept money in the bank except for enough to cash a check. I think it has something to do with when she was a child and her parents bank was robbed and the money was not insured like it is now.
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peeweedeb May 2012
Your father-in- law needs more professional help than you are qualified to give him. He obviously feels safe with , and trusts his son. I'm not sure that sitting in a truck is the best thing for him to be doing all day long. As for your mother; I'm thinking that if you want to take care of her there are ways to do it, and get help from the county/ government. Try looking online to find out what the requirements are to get assistance and apply. You just might qualify for some kind of help.
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RR: Here's something that was helpful to me. I'm 63 and retired. My husband receives a retirement income. I went to our local Area on Aging office. Here it is called Senior Information Center. I met with a woman who works with care givers. I just wanted to know about support groups, etc. She asked me some questions and, just like magic, she said she could provide me with 30 hours a month of in home care. The reason was because I'm over 60 years old and no income of MY OWN and I'm taking care of my dad. The normal cost of in home care here ranges between $20.00 and $23.00 per hour. I get 30 hours and it costs me a total of $21.00 per month. It's been a huge help to me. I don't know your age or circumstances, but, if you haven't done so, make an appointment with your local AOA and see if they can help you. I'm not clear on you father-in-law. Is he living with you also or just around most of the time?

Hope this is helpful. Let me know.

Cattails.
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RR: Have you applied for Medicaid and been turned down due to a lack of receipts? You don't have to place her before applying for Medicaid. If and when she qualifies for Medicaid, there are options for in home care that Medicaid covers.

Your situation is unique. I've never heard of someone selling their home and then keeping the proceeds in cash, not to say that doesn't happen. How much did she receive from the sale? How long has she lived with you?
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RRccRR8 May 2012
She refused to place the money in the bank and paid cash for everything hair, nails,dr, and dentist. So I do not have receipts for the hair and nails every month. No gifts were given everything went to take care or make her happy.
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RR: What happened to the funds from the sale of her house? As long as she didn't gift her assets to her children, I don't think that it's a problem. Could you give some details as to how the proceeds of her house were spent. I've dealt with a similar situation, so maybe I can offer some thoughts.

Don't be jealous of your FIL. He's just ill. So many people talk about parent's who suffer dementia and one of the things they mention is how the parent is just glued to them. Following them everywhere and anxious when they are not present. It's a symptom of the illness.

My heart goes out to you and your husband. What a gigantic burden you are carrying.

More details. Maybe we can help. Love, Cattails.
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