dgreen Asked July 2011

Should I move my mother from her home state where she grew up to an assisted living facility closer to me?

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My mother has been in an assisted living facility for a year now, and is very content where she is. I only have extended family in that area, (aunt, uncle) who do not want the responsibility of checking on her or visiting her. I am being pressured to move her to my area, another state, so I can see her daily. I don't mind that at all, and would actually love to get to spend more time with my mother. The problem is she does not want to move. She has never lived anywhere else. Is it good to move someone against her will? (I have power of attorney). I just don't want to hurt her or send her into a depression.

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Thank you all for your perspectives. I am in a similar situation. I live several states away because this is what is best for my immediate family. My parent chooses to live in her home state. I have no sibs and there are only a few family members. A few good friends and a caregiving service provide the "safety net" to allow my parent to live fairly independently where she chooses to. I make several trips per year to visit and take care of things long-distance. What gets to me is the perception that I am "not doing enough." Any social conversation my parent gets into -- inevitably the topic of "family" gets brought up and folks seem shocked that I am not right there, all day every day. My parent secretly likes the "your poor thing!" comments - she was the baby in her family and I could tell from her sib's comments that she craves attention. She was also used to getting her way; so perhaps those of you who are struggling with whether you are doing the right thing -- well, if they insist to you then they are happy where they are -- then let it be. Let go and let God. You should not put yourself thru a personal hell every day because of it.
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NancyH Jul 2011
There is a lady that my mother-in-law eats with every day at her asst living who is in kinda the same situation. I asked her once where she was from, well she's not from Oregon originally but this is where her husband moved them when they got married. This is her home now, even though he's been dead for awhile and she has absolutely NO family here (never had kids). I asked her why she didn't move back to where her family was after he died, and she said that she's been here so long now that this IS home to her. I guess home really IS where the heart is.
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dgreen Jul 2011
thanks everyone, so much, for your help. It's helpful to speak with others who have handled the same issues.
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vstefans Jul 2011
There are pros and cons to moving. I more or less "had to" move my mom - she too was in assisted living, but getting ever closer to needing skilled nursing. We had even had to move her from one facility to another where they could provide more mobility assistance. After we had sold the house to pay for care and because she would not ever be able to move back to it, and then Dad died, there were only two neighbors who very sporadically visited her where she was...and with me she would have the four of us to see her often. And she was to where bad things could easily happen due to her problems communicating if she ever had to be hospitalized. I convinced her to come here by setting up an inpatient rehab stay near us; she agreed to that because she was frustrated with not getting much therapy any more. She gave that a good try and did really well at first- but ended up not much better off because she had a stroke and then a heart attack. We did it by plane, on Southwest Airlines. They were really good with helping us, because her transfers from her wheelchair were very difficult even using her walker for extra support. She actually enjoyed the trip and asked if we could do it again someday! I only had POA and not guardianship so I could not have done it if she had outright refused. You may have to research a new facility in your area, pick one that is a lot like where she is now, take pictures, show her, persuade her to "try it" and enlist the help of the ones pressuring you to get her to agree. There are different ways of arranging transportation depending on the distance and the abilities of the person being transported. I had hoped to move my Dad by medical van - it would have been expensive but worth it, and unfortunately he passed on before I could set it up. (Write me privately and I'll dig up details of what I'd researched if it would help you.) When I got the call my Dad was really "declining" I did not make it back up there in time for one last goodbye, since we lived 15 hours away (6 hours would have been A LOT easier!) For better or for worse, though my mom was content in the facility where she was and sometimes I still wonder if she should have stayed there, having her here meant I was able to be beside her when she passed on more recently. I am sorry you are also in this sad spot, and my prayers are with you as you make the tough decisions and try to do what is best for you and your mom and your whole family.
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54j Jul 2011
I have a sister we moved from Ohio to north Carolina in December of 08. But she had a different situation. she had had an anurism in North carolina and her son took her to Ohio. he died and the daughter n law didnt want to do anything for her. she was in nursing home. we got her to North Carolina in December and she is so happy and so are we. anyone who wants to go see her can now. Ohio is a far away place with no family to visit. But if Mom is happy just leave her and talk to her often. If its meant to move her you will know it. God Bless
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jeannegibbs Jul 2011
You are doing right by your mother.

If necessary, you can help her arrange for a personal care assistant to bring her cat food or take her shopping, etc.

Turn a deaf ear to the lectures. Mom would not be happy if you moved her from her home.
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dgreen Jul 2011
Yes, my Mother would prefer to stay where she is rather than move to where I live. She says it would be nice to be able to see me more often, but "this is my home." My grandmother and aunt have been the ones who visit and check in on her, bring cat food for her cats, etc. Now my grandmother's health is declining, and my aunt is caring for her. So I'm getting lectured about not caring for my mother when I have actually never had a say in anything about her affairs. I just want to do what is right for my Mother. I live 6 hours away, can visit once every couple of weeks, and call her daily.
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toadballet1 Jul 2011
If she is happy, do not move her. Be involved in her life, call her often, and visit. I assume that you are in constant contact with the ALF.
Your relatives should be informed that they are not expected to be her caregivers, but you would appreciate them visiting her as loving family members. Really! how much time does it take just to drop in and say hello?
If she needs more attention, hire a personal paid caregiver who can visit with her and do the things that the ALF does not cover. She can also report to you about her condition and needs.
good luck
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jeannegibbs Jul 2011
She is content where she is. Does she have friends in the area who visit? Has she made friends in the AL? Is she comfortable with the staff there? What makes her "content"? So content, in fact, that she'd prefer where she is to daily visits from you.

Who is pressuring you to move her? Why?

You have POA, but is she still competent to make her own decisions? Does she have cognitive problems? Dementia?

Do you/could you talk to her by phone each day?
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