I am at the end of my road with caregiving. Should I have my mom placed in assisted living?

I am sorry you are feeling this stress Kellyb and I bet most people on here have felt it at some point or another. My mom still lives on her own with me taking care of everything like bills, groceries, etc. She can't drive so I have to make sure I take off work and take her to appts as well. That alone has been stressful to me for the last 3 years. Just recently I realized that it wasn't stressing me so much and I am not sure if she has settled down a little or I have but it seems to be working a little better lately.
How old is your mom and how dependant is she on others? Can she possibly live in an apartment with your help? What is her response or thoughts on going to AL?
What specifically are your stress triggers?

I think the answer is Yes.

You've given home care a good try. You know what your limits are, and you've reached them. Time to focus on being a mother and a visiting daughter.

Kelly, I really commend you. Being a single Mom is a huge responsibility in itself. Spending the last two years with your Mom the way you have is doing a lot. If you feel that your life and home life are disrupting to the peace in your home then for your sons sake get your Mom in Assisted Living or whatever decent place you can find. All of us own it to our children to give them a home where they feel safe and at peace. From your comments it sounds like your Mom needs more help than you can give. I think most of us love our parents so much that we go way overboard to care for them, myself included. We need to feel like we still inhabit our own life to some degree when taking care of them or else we end up being a Martyr, and then we are no good to ourselves or anyone else. How old is your Mom and what is her condition?

Thanks to all who took the time to answer my question about if I should have my mom placed in AL. She is sixty, and diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. I truly have given it my all. I take care of the bills, all grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards. I do it all, and yes my limits have been reached for some time now. It has most definately disrupted my home life, my marriage, and raising my son. Thanks to who said we owe it to our kids to give them a safe, loving, home environment. They are only kids once, and my mom is on the grouchy side. Its understandable with her many health conditions, but I don't want myself or son to walk on eggshells in our own home any further. So I will be seeking gauardianship of her so I can place her into AL. I belive they are trained to work with elders who have dementia. My nerves just can't deal with explaining something 15 times over, and her still not getting what I'm saying. So again thanks who offered some much needed advice, and I will take your advice. Kellyb:):)

Single Mom here too Kellyb, and I think you are making the right decision.

My son is a little older - 16 - and it is still very hard. This is our first year and yes, it has driven somewhat of a wedge between me and my son. I feel like I'm always defending him to my father and am tired of being in a position where I feel forced to 'choose'.

Things were going well (with a lot of home health care); but my father's health and dementia continue to progress so I'm not sure what our future holds.

I guess as soon as I get my son some independence . . . I'll start over by caring for my father? I feel like I have two children and not just one; and that feeling is starting to scare me more and more. His reasoning ability - seems to be just disappearing minute by minute. He cannot remember what happened 60 seconds ago. We're just taking things day by day now; but I'm exhausted.

I definitely think your child comes first. I could not have cared for my father while my son was 10 years old. Between a job and school; homework; sports activities - you simply cannot do it all. Bravo for having the courage to make tough decisions.

well im sure if your mom was in her right mind she would say do what you have to do to be happy- im telling my kids if i become unruly- go ahead and put me in a home just make sure im not being harmed- and if i get alz and stop eatting do not put me on a feeding tube...

I have been taking care of my mother in law for 4 years, and because of how i feel she will probably out live me !'m over it i have been to therapy for my depression and i am tired of it!!! Alzheimer's is the worst disease on the planet and when i die i would rather die of cancer than this disease! Put your mom in a home and get your life back she has lived hers you and your son deserve to have yours. it is time if you are thinking about it. You would not be asking for advice if it wasn't time. Don't let guilt sway your decision do what's best for you. Your son deserves his mom intact.

Supporting your decision to have your mum admitted to a care home. Your son deserves a mother who is less stressed and you deserve to chase your dreams. That you have cared for her for two years is commendable. (((((hugs)))))

I am not yet at the point of making this decision with my mother/father, but my mother's time is coming near. Make sure you shop around the AL facilities and feel good about the place. Can you help your mother get okay with it? Talk about the positives? If its assisted living, then there should be social opportunities and activities. People with dementia need routine and she will need increasing amounts of care - this is not just something you would do for yourself, but also for her safety. Up until recently I have insisted that I want my parents to come and live with me when they give up on living on their own, but with my mother's increasing dementia, I realize that I actually cannot supply the level of care she needs, and she simply may not be safe coming here without someone with her 100% of the time. What if she wanders off? What if her personality changes negatively and it becomes hellish for all concerned?

It sounds like you have made the decision, and no one can fault you. Personally, I think that the relationship with parents is just as important as the relationship with spouses or children, but with dementia, it simply may not be possible to provide that level of care. Just make sure the AL facility is one you are proud of, and try to soften the blow with your mom.

Yes, Kelleyb. Your son comes first. Your mom is at the end of her life(mentally) and he is at the beginning. You did your best and he saw that and learned to be compassionate from your example. Visit her often and make sure she is safe and take her little treats and take your son with you to visit her and don't feel guilty. We cannot do it all. I take it one day at a time. Whenever mom gets that far gone in her dementia....I guess I'll have to make that decision too. Maybe even before cause my health is worse than hers. Stay strong and firm in your decision. Your son needs you. I wish you all the best.
Ann

Two words, DO IT. I have had my mother 8 years and it has been horrible for my family and myself. I absolutely hate having her here. She hasn't the financial means to pay for a nursing home and lately I looked into getting her into one; I found out that she did not get Medicare when she was 65 (she is 88 now) and I have to take her to the Soc. Sec. to see if we can get her covered with Medicare part A B and D, plus I have to work the Medicaid part through. It looks like it will be next July before I can even place her anywhere. She is in Depends, will hardly eat, sleeps all the time, fights me on showers, brushing of teeth, hair and getting dressed. I have, an 11, 18 and 22 year olds who have been put up with her crap all these years and I am over with it. I give her food, meds, and basically leave her to herself because she shouts me out of her room. I cannot wait to get her into a place that can maybe help her more than I can. I have three brothers that do nothing,

Yourself & your family (son) first and foremost.

Sadly, your mom is young for dementia and you could well be looking at another 10/15 years and it will never truly get better and only more demanding in time and energy. It's best to find her a facility that she can be taken care of that knows the long debilitating trajectory of dementia.

We have a 14 yr old and for me, dealing with the "mom's" has been difficult as it is just so much the reverse of dealing with our son. You can see your child, learn and grow and achieve then you have the entire opposite with the mom's.
Good luck.

Hi Kelly, I'm sorry you are at that time in life with your mom. I admitted my mom to assisted living last September 2010. I had just about exhausted her checking account trying to keep ladies hired to come in round the clock with her. The stress got so bad I started having stroke symptoms.Already being a stroke victim I knew I had to do something or I'd be dead or severely handicapped in a matter of months. I'm an only child. My mom has had a very difficult time adjusting, I'm thinking perhaps if I had put her in the assisyted living when her mind was clearer she might have adjusted easier.
Don't beat yourself up over it, just do it, I made the decision within a couple of days, without ever giving it much thought. Please do it for your health and for your little boy. God bless you and your mom.

Kellyb, I am such an advocate of home care but in your case I totally agree you are doing the right thing. First of all, as beta said, your mom wouldnt want you to give up your life or her grandsons if she was well. (you are both such a young family) My children are adults, its different, kids are on the go all the time and need to to make that happen. Your mom got to be 10 without an ill parent in her life I assume, he deserves the same. When I brought my Mom into my home with early stage dementia to recover from a fall, within 7 weeks she thought my home was her home. I think if you do it early enough that home will become her home. I would make sure tho that they ease her into nursing care at the same place if you can. I have friends who started their parent into assisted living but due to the fast decline of their health, they keep raising the price and then...they want them out into a nursing home so you will have to face making the decision all over again of placing her elsewhere. I wish you good luck and give that son a big hug as soon he will have your uninterupted attention which he deserves. You have shaped and taught him well in all that you have already done , and he will continue those values of taking care of family members visiting her with you.
Good luck to you both, 10 was my Favorite age with my boys!

I agree with Luvmom............if you do it early enough they will adjust, unfortunately I didn't do it early enough................I chose to keep her at home as long as I could and
she's not adjusting well at all.

Amen to sanity! We do what we can do then we find a different solution for the issues at hand. After AS is full time Dementia care usualy for wandering folks. I tried AS for my Mom and it was a God Send for both of us! She could ask the same questions 10 times there and everyone else did the same thing and they have a lot in common and can relate to each other. Then you can get your life back and you will want to spend time with her again in a different mindset. Remember, it dosen't and won't be forever. But if we look at whats the best option for them we usualy see whats in their best intrest is exactly what you have chosen to do. Make it as comfortable as it can be and use the support we have avalible for the conditions they are faced with and you can always make adjustments. We are on our 2nd option of a 2nd home with my daughter and son in law caring for her full time now. This is working pretty good for now and she is happy with family on a more full time bases. All we can do is go with the flow and make it as smooth of a ride as possible for all.

Kelly,
Is you mother willing to accept life in an ALF? I recently placed my 91 year old mother in one after 10 months of dealing with my father who suffered a stroke and her needs as well. When he passed away, I moved her after she had us running her to the ER for panic attacks every few days. I am satisfied with the ALF, but she fights it tooth and nail, and is extroardinarily liberal in dishing ou guilt for "deseertrting her." I believe the ALF is probably your only choice, just as it was mine, but if possible I would advise trying to ease her into the change in circumstances if possible. If not just steel yourself and stick to your guns. Having even a portion of a life is wonderful after nearly a year of being eternally occupied with my parents needs. I admire you for dealing with such a situation with a young child. I find more and more folks in these situations who are genuine Saints. You definitely fit the category.

I have the same problem. We moved my mom with us 1.5 years ago. She's 96. In fairly good health and has never broken any bones. Her medical doctor feels she has Alzheimers, but hasn't been tested, Humana won't pay for it and Mom feels she's "just fine". It's getting my husband down along with myself. Mom is always depressed, very negative. Stays in her room except for meals. I should be taking her out with me to the store & etc, just don't want her around with me, I need some alone time. I realize it's selfish, but I'm tired and want privacy. She didn't ask to move in, my siblings (including husband & myself) felt she shouldn't live alone any more. She gets spacy and did hallucinate. She doesn't see to do that anymore. But how does one determine that she should be placed into an Assisted Living Facility -- it seems so mean of me. Of course her Doctor feels she should be in a Nursing Home - I don't agree. I need "HELP".

Pricetag,

If your Mom is depressed and staying in her room all the time - perhaps the ALF is just what she needs. It will offer her socialization.

We took my Dad to see one - it was beautiful and he was ready to move right in. They talked it up - happy hour! New Pals! Dinner out! Lunch out! Beautiful dining room! Etc.

He has since changed his mind due to $$$$. He has the money but afraid he will have to dig into his savings. Which, he eventually will have to do anyway, if he lives long enough.

I have dropped it for the time being - he's having cataract surgery. But I will revisit it this winter when he is depressed and homebound. I honestly think he would be happy there if he could make the adjustment. Obviously, he could see himself happy there - the two times we visited. I should have just let him sign up right then and there! But he has a history of impulsive buying and I wanted him to have all the pros/cons.

Perhaps just starting mentioning ALF casually - maybe 'drop by' one (that you have checked out beforehand). Some of them are really gorgeous. If I can afford one when I'm in my 80's - that is definitely where I want to go.

IF your mother requires too much care though - ALF will not provide that. There are some assisted living facilities with varying levels of care and 'memory units' for more severe dementia. The more care required - the more it costs.

Kellyb, Your mom is only 60 years old? Oh my gosh what a terrible thing for someone that age to have had dementia already a couple of years. I'm sorry for her. But having said that, at her age she would be a prime candidate for asst. living. She probably isn't using a walker at her age and may be able to really get use out of the activities they offer. Be sure to pick one that goes out of their way to keep the residents 'busy' if they choose to. We have quite a few asst living places around here that have a retirement section attached, so many people start out there instead of full-on asst living. They have people that you can hire to come in and make sure the resident takes their pills, do laundry etc. even though it's retirement living. Then they can be transitioned into asst living when needed. Maybe your mom can find romance there? Oh well, just a thought. This can be a good thing for mom, and NOT a guilt trip for you.

My mom takes a bath on her own and the weekly pill container guides her for the daily pills. Except just today she mentioned the pill was smaller(same pill as always) and her minestrone soup for lunch, she asked if was vegetable. Mom is an introvert and doesn't make friends easily. She feels there is nothing wrong with her and only "old" people go to those places. She doesn't understand an ALF is diff than Nursing home. The cost is expensive. Between social security and help with VA, plus a little extra money she has will only last 2 years, then guess she would go on medicaid. People now live to be 100 because of all the medication that is given. We're living longer, but our mind and money are depleting. I wish she could live here until she dies, but it's just too hard on my husband and I do want to stay married. But I still feel guilty, she took care of me while growing up and now it's my turn, but where does it end?

You know my mom was in a HOME at one point - and she slowly began to like it. I think most feel that they won't like it until they give it time. After they make friends they love it, especially the mix of female and male energy. Don't feel like your doing her an injustice or giving up -- it's time for a change. Be sure to go see her. The HOME will take better care of her when family is involved and it will help her adjust and make friends quickly. Good Luck! Besides, if you're unhappy now so is she.

Act sooner rather than later! My husband has AD. I too have reached the Wall after 5 years since diagnosis but really longer. I have waited too long and now he is very resistant to all the pre admission requirements: medical exam, TB test. He no longer bathes or even changes his clothes. It is a nightmare. I should have moved him on to the professionals 6 months ago. So my answer is YES, DO IT!

I tried to keep my Dad in his home and managed that for 3 years with 3 ladies splitting the days. I finally decided to place him in a nice assisted living center that also provides long term nursing care and Alzheimer's care. It was the best decision that I ever made for him. They pick with him and play and baby him and he just loves all the staff. Three balanced meal (including a dessert at every meal) and treats 2 times a day. He actually started putting a little weight back on. He doesn't remember that I'm his daughter anymore, but he still smiles at me and my stress level dropped 10 levels. I can have a life now and still work in 2-3 visits week. He can't think fast enough to participate in the activities that the others can, but he enjoys going to watch what's going on. He even gets his hands soaked and nails filed weekly when the lady residents are getting their manicures. It was the best decision for both of us, I only regret not doing it sooner. There are some really nice homes available now. Good luck.

I can understand what you are feeling. It was only last month that I finally moved my mom from my home to an assisted living facility. My husband is also disabled and it was getting to me to caring for 2 people. She hated my husband and the things we do in our home. She was trying to tell me how to run my life and what is wrong with my husband. She accused him of stealing a silver dollar coin in her closet in a lockbox. That was my final straw. I still had alot of guilt feelings putting her in there but I was going to therapy and taking anti depressants. I was feeling the stress between the two of them. I haven't quite got to enjoy the peace and quiet in my home since I moved her on Thursday and my grandson was borned on Friday. I said it was out with the negative and in with the positive. She is happier there since she can control her heat/ac, she doesn't have to live with a man but she sure does miss my cooking. She has tried to get me to bring her dinners to her but I am not going to start that at all. She would have been very happy if my husband wasn't there but I say thank god he was there for me. Good luck to you but we do deserve to live our lives.

God Bless you Kellyb for taking on your Mom and now making a tough decsion. You need to care for yourself so you can be there for your son. I just love all the advice everyone has given you. I just started getting on this site and I am loving it. I am in my sixties and caring for my 87 year old Mom. My husband has had health issures too. But he still works so right now I feel I can take care of my Mom who has dementia also. But I have some tough days! And I too get resentfull when I have to repeat stuff over and over...I am now looking in to an adult day care program at a local assisted living. I need some time off..My hats off to all the caregivers! You are the blessed ones!

Not all assisted living homes are horrible places. I moved my mother to one and she loves it. She has friends to socialize with her own age that can relate to her. When she is having a bad day she was someone there to take care of her. Mom has gotten healthier because she force to walk to the dining room 3 times a day. I could never get her to move more than the family room to the frig..

But don't think it's going to be smooth sailing once you get her settled. It's still "A LOT" or work. I take her to doctors appointments, etc. because I want to know what's going on. There are many things that only family members can do. Plus you still need to spend time there, or take her on outings.

Find a wonderful facility., they are out there and both your lives will be improving soon.

Someone stated that they feel so bad for having their mom put in nursing home. Well I use to feel that I'd feel to guilty to do that as well,but when you have put up with as much as I have, the whole guilt thing goes out the window. So over guilt. I did my best for as long that was emotionally possible for me,and alot of people have made such positive comments on how that she could really adjust to that type of living,meet friends,have more activitiess with people her own age. Seems whats best. I also feel bad she is only sixty, and dementia has destroyed her life,and almost mine with it. So it is time to think like a true caregiver,and not so much as a daughter at this point so hopefully we can all make a smooth transition. I am concerned about the cost,,but plan to check in on it soon. I know at some point we all are caregivers,need caregivers,or know them. I have a heart and all, but I have got to do whats best for me for a change instead of constantly doing whats best for my mom. This living arrangement could go on for a very long time, and I already know I just can't do it any longer, I pray God gives me the guidence I need to get through all this. Sometimes I just wonder :why?? Thanks for all the support on here, and I'll update the situation as soon as changes are made or I need to vent. KB:)

Kelly, call a local Hospice in your area and just ask them questions - let them know the situation. They may be able to give good advice about insurance, assisted aid, homes etc.

kellyb, you are making the right decision. I have only one child who is grown, but if I had kids, I couldn't imagine. I been taking care of my parents for many years now. My dad passed away 5 yrs ago at the age of 91, and refused to go to a nursing home. So we dealt with all we had to at home. It was very very hard on me, as I was the only one closest to them. My mom is now 88 with cogestive heart failure and needs constant care. It has done nothing but run me down and make me angry. I now know that it is no good for your parent either. They need the care, and we are only one person who cannot provide all that. I often imagine 3, 8 hr shifts of fresh people taking care of mom, rather than me who is burned out. Don't have my mom in assisted living yet , but she is on the list to go. I know she doesn't want to go, but it is best for us both. Nobody in the family can come and help, so that is going to be the ultimatum, it just has to be. I never wanted to leave my mom, but my life is going down the tubes. I have read so much on here and there is so much help out there is you only keep asking for it. Your story makes me feel so not alone!! Thank you!!