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I also am a single mom of ten year old son, and after these two years, the stress itself has felt like enough to do me in. I need advice. I hate to do that to her, but when is enough ever enough, and will I ever get to enjoy raising my own little boy in peace, and chase some dreams?? Any advice in this agonizing ordeal is so appreciated. I must mention that I have the paperwork to have her addmited to care home. Kellyb

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YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOUR OWN LIFE AND SANITY AND HEALTH. I FINALLY REALIZED THIS WHEN BOTH MY OWN DOCTORS AND MY 90+-YEAR-OLD MOTHER'S DOCTORS ECHOED WHAT MY FREIDNS HAD BEEN SAYING FOR 2 YEARS--YOU CANNOT DO THIS, YOU ARE NEITHER QUALIFIED NOR HEALTHY ENOUGH TO PROVIDE 24/7 SKILLED CARE AND MONITORING, AND VERY SHORTLY YOU ARE LIKELY TO PRE-DECEASE YOUR MOTHER. THEN WHAT HAPPENS TO HER? SHE IS NOW IN A NEARBY,FRIENDLY, NOT SHABBY OR DEPRESSING, 24/7 CARING NURSING HOME WHICH ACCEPTED HER W/JUST HER MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY, AND I AM ON THE ROAD TO PHYSICAL AND MENTAL RECOVERY AND HAVING A LIFE OF MY OWN.
HANG IN THERE.
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I think the answer is Yes.

You've given home care a good try. You know what your limits are, and you've reached them. Time to focus on being a mother and a visiting daughter.
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Single Mom here too Kellyb, and I think you are making the right decision.

My son is a little older - 16 - and it is still very hard. This is our first year and yes, it has driven somewhat of a wedge between me and my son. I feel like I'm always defending him to my father and am tired of being in a position where I feel forced to 'choose'.

Things were going well (with a lot of home health care); but my father's health and dementia continue to progress so I'm not sure what our future holds.

I guess as soon as I get my son some independence . . . I'll start over by caring for my father? I feel like I have two children and not just one; and that feeling is starting to scare me more and more. His reasoning ability - seems to be just disappearing minute by minute. He cannot remember what happened 60 seconds ago. We're just taking things day by day now; but I'm exhausted.

I definitely think your child comes first. I could not have cared for my father while my son was 10 years old. Between a job and school; homework; sports activities - you simply cannot do it all. Bravo for having the courage to make tough decisions.
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I am sorry you are feeling this stress Kellyb and I bet most people on here have felt it at some point or another. My mom still lives on her own with me taking care of everything like bills, groceries, etc. She can't drive so I have to make sure I take off work and take her to appts as well. That alone has been stressful to me for the last 3 years. Just recently I realized that it wasn't stressing me so much and I am not sure if she has settled down a little or I have but it seems to be working a little better lately.
How old is your mom and how dependant is she on others? Can she possibly live in an apartment with your help? What is her response or thoughts on going to AL?
What specifically are your stress triggers?
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Thanks to all who took the time to answer my question about if I should have my mom placed in AL. She is sixty, and diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. I truly have given it my all. I take care of the bills, all grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards. I do it all, and yes my limits have been reached for some time now. It has most definately disrupted my home life, my marriage, and raising my son. Thanks to who said we owe it to our kids to give them a safe, loving, home environment. They are only kids once, and my mom is on the grouchy side. Its understandable with her many health conditions, but I don't want myself or son to walk on eggshells in our own home any further. So I will be seeking gauardianship of her so I can place her into AL. I belive they are trained to work with elders who have dementia. My nerves just can't deal with explaining something 15 times over, and her still not getting what I'm saying. So again thanks who offered some much needed advice, and I will take your advice. Kellyb:):)
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well im sure if your mom was in her right mind she would say do what you have to do to be happy- im telling my kids if i become unruly- go ahead and put me in a home just make sure im not being harmed- and if i get alz and stop eatting do not put me on a feeding tube...
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kellyb, you are making the right decision. I have only one child who is grown, but if I had kids, I couldn't imagine. I been taking care of my parents for many years now. My dad passed away 5 yrs ago at the age of 91, and refused to go to a nursing home. So we dealt with all we had to at home. It was very very hard on me, as I was the only one closest to them. My mom is now 88 with cogestive heart failure and needs constant care. It has done nothing but run me down and make me angry. I now know that it is no good for your parent either. They need the care, and we are only one person who cannot provide all that. I often imagine 3, 8 hr shifts of fresh people taking care of mom, rather than me who is burned out. Don't have my mom in assisted living yet , but she is on the list to go. I know she doesn't want to go, but it is best for us both. Nobody in the family can come and help, so that is going to be the ultimatum, it just has to be. I never wanted to leave my mom, but my life is going down the tubes. I have read so much on here and there is so much help out there is you only keep asking for it. Your story makes me feel so not alone!! Thank you!!
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Just a word from my experience: my mom entered a RH after a hip op. At first she didn't like it and couldn't wait to return home, but knowing she couldn't take care of herself we had her stay there. Since I was the one visiting, I always felt guilty leaving even though I'd stay for 6 to 8 hours sometimes with her. So I moved her in with me after a year. Today she is gone, and I know she missed the excitement, male and female staff and all the people scoot'en around in their chairs just like her in the RH. I too have my moments of "What if's" My point is this: there may always be something missing - I also know she lived longer with me then had I left her in the home BUT would she have been happier there? We make our best choices for them and have to honor that. Our choices come from love....even if we're at our wits end.
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I am 68 and take care of my 90 year old mom. She lives alone in a condo near me, so its not too complicated for me because of being retired. But, I don't have the strength and energy to care for her any more, due to her failing memory. I can't imagine how people that are working and raising kids can handle all the stress. I have my mom's name in an AL and she should be going in soon. I too feel guilty but have 2 sisters that are behind me all the way. Kelly, your mom is younger then me and you have my sympathy. Research all the care facility's in your area. Have you heard of the web site "A Place for Mom
'They can help you with your search and set up all the appointments to tour the places. I keep telling my mom that this is going to be a vacation of a lifetime. She won't have to do anything but just have fun. Good Luck - Carol
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Hi Kellyb,
I understand your feelings. I cared for my granny for a long time. She passed away in the comfort of her own home on New Year's Day of this year. I can tell you that It was very challenging and difficult with a full time job, husband, and kids. However, I did my very best with GOD's guidance to care for her. If you have done all that, you can do and feel that you no longer can provide 100% care to your mom then it is time to have someone else to care for her. Please don't think you are giving up on her, but sometimes, the best way to care for a senior loved one is from afar. You can still monitor her progress and health if you decide to put her into a home. So, please don't feel like you are giving up. Have you try to get support at home i.e. homemaker service? Do you have family members that can help? I understand if family members don't want to help...been there. Just remember, if you have done all that you can do to care for your mom, please don't feel bad if you have to put her in a home. Thank you for caring for your MOM, there are many people who don't have anyone to care for him or her at all. Many blessings and care from me to you.
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