oldmanfriend Asked June 2011

Should I continue being a caregiver to an 84-year-old gentleman? I don't want to get in the way of his wife.

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I am a 47 year caregiver for an 84 year old gentleman. His wife is in a nursing home do to a stroke a couple years back (before I entered the picture).

I was only suppose to be helping out with meals, doctor appts, and taking him to visit his wife a couple times a week, until his daughter could take over, but his daughter has her own health issues and is unable to take on her father's care. He has 5 children and the oldest son is the only one that seems to act like he cares, but I have noticed that there is a lot of hostility and anger towards their dad. They don't seem to understand what he did in his younger years in is the past and they re-live things he has said and done in his past.

Now, that I am taking care of him, the son does pay for his care, but not enough. (6-12) hrs a day 7 days a week, for $300, and now he is requesting daily updates on his fathers condition, what he eats, what we do daily, how much time we spend together and why I spend that much time with him.

Yes, the son does have POA, but his dad refuses to go into assisted living because he owns his home and wants to live there. I know his medical condition is not that bad he has,---a GI Bleed, high blood pressure, and Glaucoma, and the early stages of Dementia, and as long as someone is there to keep an eye on him he is fine. The son doesn't even live in the same state as his dad, but yet he wants to question the care I am providing.

Other people in the same town know him very well and tell him daily that he is being well taking care of and that he looks good, even the home health nurse has said that I am doing a good job. The son has repeatedly asked several people about me and what he pays me and has been told he won't find anyone cheaper. His dad wants me and only me, no one else to take care of him, so now I am in the middle, because the son is requesting more time of mine without wanting to pay me more. And making me feel as if I am not doing that good of a job after all.

Plus that, I do not want in the middle of their family feud but I do care for this man as if he is my grandfather and I do not want to see his kids treat him badly for things he did in his past. Or worse force him to move into assisted living, which I believe would kill him of sadness. He lives for his house on the bay and that's is all he wants.

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I really feel i need a vacation after all this... but it is in God's hands now. He wll move me where I need to be Thanks again everyone.
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Thanks to all that have given me advise and the understanding I needed. I have put in my notice after I spent a day and half putting together receipts and papers n scanner for son. I am unemployed now anyone in Texas needing help...
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toadballet1 Jun 2011
Your instincts may be correct to end this position...too many potholes to deal with. You are currently underpaid, overworked, and being taken advantage of by the son. In addition, the old guy is getting way too attached to you and that can only end badly, especially when the son is already suspicious. I am all for checking out the credentials of any caregiver I hire, on the other hand, when I find one that is as loyal and hardworking as you I count it a blessing.
You definitely need to charge more for what you are doing. Go online and find a simple caregiver's contract. Spell out what your hourly rate will be, how many hours a week you are available, and that any supplies need to be provided by the client. If you keep this on a business basis, all will be happy. When I hire a private caregiver (as opposed to using an agency) I make a list of all the things that may need to be done. I ask point blank if there is anything a caregiver does not like to do. Communication and mutual respect are the key.
Let me tell you something, anyone of us in the forum would love to hire someone as dedicated as you. You can find a better gig than this. Don't feel sorry for the old guy - let his son deal with a replacement. Give your two weeks and find another position. Good luck, you were kind to hang in this long, but now it is time to make a decent living.....Lillli
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195Austin Jun 2011
I would get it back on a strickly business level so much an hr and just work those hrs and if a log was not what was expected in the hiring you could write a brief note on work time and then the son could have someone in the family read it to him and only work when you are getting paid-you are a good worker as attested to by his friends and you can get all the hours you need to earn your living by careing for others in addition or instead of this job-the son must not really not like your work or he would have replaced you by now-but do not work for free-you deserve more-let us know how things go this is education for us caregivers and your experience will go far to help others and thak you for presenting this to us.
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I really do not know if son reads a lot on here or not but I have not shown or given any reason for his mis-trust. I am doing what I can for this man. I really truly believe his son cares mostly about the property his dad has nothing more. I mean his house is not worth 100 dollars, but the land it sits on is worth quite a bit. It was not included in the job description for me to do daily logs.
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vstefans Jun 2011
Yes, Son has probably been reading all the posts on here about the grief caused by gold-diggers who insert themselves into similar caregiving situations for their own profit. :-) I gave a star to jeannegibbs, and also would think that your being willing to call the son with daily reports would reassure him and indicate to him that you cosnider him the responsible person who cares the most about his Dad. POA is not guardianship, though it does give him a lot of authority...he may feel insecure if he fears his dad would show poor judgement and revoke it from him also.
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jeannegibbs Jun 2011
ya. naheaton, it probably is about money. But whether the son is a real toad and is only interested in saving his inheritence, or he is taking his job seriously about protecting the assets so they will continue to be available for his mother and his dad is pretty hard to guess from the little data we've got.

Good luck to you, oldmanfriend
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NancyH Jun 2011
The son is afraid his dad is going to give you money. Period. It's all about money I'll betcha. It's not that you're not a good worker and an honest person in reality, it's the money. Dad falls for younger woman, younger woman lets dad buy her things, son gets no money. Since money is where the son's heart is, that's where his mind is.
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I have not spoken to the son about this as of right now, but I do think that I am going to end the position. The son has been made aware of how his dad acts around me and other females.
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jeannegibbs Jun 2011
Ah. Dad is talking about marrying you, and you are working more hours than you are getting paid for. Yeah, I can see why that makes Son a little nervous. :)

Have you spoken directly to Son about this aspect of the situation? "Perhaps you've heard your father talk about loving me. I love him, too, but in the way I loved my grandfathers. I guess he may be in a little fantasy world right now, but believe me I do not encourage that thinking." And then, perhaps in a separate conversation, bring up the fact that your client has asked you to work additional hours, so you will be billing accordingly. Keep this on a professional basis. That will help Son relax better than thinking you are willing to throw in free hours for some ulterior motive.
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