My mother is at a moderate stage of vascular dementia. She currently lives alone, but we're not sure how much longer that can last. At this point, my sister has been allowing my Mom to babysit her 5yo daughter, 3 days per week, much to my chagrin. Sis is obviously in a certain level of denial because she and mom are cut from the same cloth; they make decisions from a place of emotion, rather than logic. While I recognize that emotion is a significant factor, we are grapling with some saftey issues (driving, etc.) that need to be addressed. My sister claims that she does all the work, so she gets more "say" in the decisions. By work, I mean she is using her 5yo to report back to her what Grammy has been doing that day. Sis also fills mom's meds once a week. Because she's more emotionally connected to Mom, she's able to influence mom as well. My brother and I have offered our help in any way we can, but essentially, our help is refused or even discourage if it's not done the exact way Mom and sis want it. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.
I'm not willing to sacrafice my marriage, sanity, job, and kids (1yo, 6yo) to live in Mom/Sis's emotionally draining denial. When I establish boundries for the kind of help I'm willing to provide, I'm told by my sister to "just get out of it!". I'm willing to put action behind my opinions, but how am I supposed to provide care when I'm being sabotaged? My sister, in her denial about the severity and reality of Mom's dementia, will agree to certain conditions with my brother and I. When we try to put them into practice, Sis will ultimately do whatever she wants and just not tell us about it. She purposefully leaves us out of appointments (tells us at the last minute) or siutations with Mom because she doesn't want us to weigh in. Then, when we do try to help, we are berated for not helping out enough!
I see so many articles about how to get "deadbeat" siblings to help. What about those that do, but are at the mercy of a dictator sibling who wants to rule under emotional law?
Who prepares meals?
Who takes her to church or the community center or to senior activities?
Who does her laundry?
Who sets up her appointments?
Who pays her bills and monitors the checking account?
Who sits and looks through scrap books with Mom?
Who plays cards with her?
(I'm thinking of the things my mom needs from her daughters.)
What are the things that you can do, to mother's specifications? What are the things that your brother can do?
Do you think it is still safe for mom to be babysitting a 5 yo? If not, what are your concerns?
Is mom still safe to drive? If not, why not?
If sis is the one who sees mom the most often and has the most interactions with her, certainly her opinion should be taken seriously. But doing someone's laundry does not necessary make one the best authority on whether that someone can still drive safely, if you see what I mean.
What if you said, Sis, I'm going to take Mom and my two kids on Thursday afternoon outings. I'll pick her up right after school is out, and we'll feed the ducks in the park, or visit the science museum, or go for ice cream cones. I'll have to try it a few times to judge her stamina, and then we'll decide on a regular return time. Or if you said, "Mom, I'd like you to come have dinner with us once a week. Would you prefer a weeknight or the weekend?" Can you arrange to spend some time with her each week, to fit your own schedule? How about your brother? Could he play checkers with her one night a week? Take her to a movie?
What kinds of things do you agree on and then Sis won't put into practice?
The only one I have a bone to pick with is your sister for using her daughter as a pawn in this teeter-totter sibling squabble. (I wouldn't be surprised if she grew up to be a journalist.) Especially when she knows your Mom is mentally unstable and shouldn't be babysitting for anyone in the first place.
I don't see anything wrong with your priorities, and I certainly don't blame you for wanting to have a life and putting your husband & children first. I would, however, call for a meeting of all the siblings to figure out how best to share the responsibility of caring for your Mom. Of course make sure she's not present. All the bickering, name-calling, and hissy fits will tear her apart. I urge you and your brother not to gang up on Big Sis, and try to reach a compromise that ultimately benefits Mom. If she's relatively happy and comfortable, eventually it'll trickle down to you.
Find a way to squash the beef with your sister without being crude, crass, and obscene. After all, this is really a family problem; not a sisterly power struggle.
Good luck my friend. Don't take no for an answer, and remember that self-sabotage is not an option.
-- Ed
Who cleans mom's home? ~ Mom
Who prepares meals? ~ Mom
Who takes her to church or the community center or to senior activities?~ Mom is isolating herself to stay in denial. She played cards years ago, and I've been trying (in vain until this week) to get her to pick it back up. She uses the babysitting as an excuse.
Who does her laundry? ~ Mom
Who sets up her appointments? ~ Sis sets up medical, I set up financial and legal (all three of us attend all these appointments when possible)
Who pays her bills and monitors the checking account? ~ Me
Who sits and looks through scrap books with Mom? ~ Sis and Me
Who plays cards with her? ~ See above.
What are the things that you can do, to mother's specifications? What are the things that your brother can do? ~ When we ask, Mom replies with "I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it." So we have to give her time to handle it, and it never gets handled. We've used a mediator to assign tasks to different siblings, but things either don't get accomplished or they get accomplished very slowly.
Do you think it is still safe for mom to be babysitting a 5 yo? If not, what are your concerns? ~ No. My Mom has made impulsive decisions to walk my neice to a local shopping mall, across 4 lanes of traffic, after being told not to. My Sis has stated that she needs her 5 yo to "report back" what Grammy is doing on the days she's there.
Is mom still safe to drive? If not, why not? ~ Mom has been evalulated twice for driving and was borderline both times. She's been lost 3 times (that we know about) and has had three non-injury accidents in the last 3 years. She also bombed portions her last congnitive exam, including the viso-spacial test that is key for peripheral vision.
To joym, the difference between my sister and yours is that I'm activiely participating, trying to find resolutions to Mom's needs. However, everytime I try to plan or carry out one of our previously made decisions, my Sis seems to put on the brakes on our progress. For example, we are trying to get mom to ride a shuttle regularly so that when we take the keys (which I think should've already happened) so she has a transportation alternative. I took off work to make sure she was able to use the shuttle. I made sure she arrived at her destination and made sure that she made it back home. I've been the one calling to make all the shuttle appointments. Grocery visits are one of mom's primary concerns. I suggested to my sister that we alternate Sunday's, so that 1.) I can plan around the days I need to take mom to the store, and 2.) it doesn't just fall on Sis to take her, since she lives closer. Sis balked at the idea and doesn't want to set up a schedule. I've got other things in life that need to be handled and can't drop everything to take mom to the store. My kids and husband need me. I'm the primary breadwinner. I don't think it's too much to ask that we set up a schedule for this stuff. But my Mom has always been more spontatneous when it comes to the grocery, and sis is too. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. So, respectfully joym, I'm nothing like your sister.
We've worked with a mediator, we've set concrete deadlines. I understand flexibilty needs to be accounted for, however, my sister communicates NOTHING to us about WHY we might need to change goals/deadlines. The other frustration is that I feel these stall tactics are keeping Mom and Sis in denial, and I feel like we're wasting valuable time. Mom only has a limited amount of congnitive time left. We're wasting it by not getting the most out of it now. Instead, Mom's in denial and isolating herself in her house with a 5yo who worries about Grammy. When we push mom to discuss some of the modifications we need to make, she shuts down and starts talking about a "pill" that will kill her so she can avoid all this. Her neurologist recommended that she see a psychatrist after talking about suicide in her last appointment, and that's never been set up by.....my sis. I finally set up an appointment with a counselor that my Mom saw years ago.
It is a comprehensive test that lasts 2 1/2 hours. They test on cognition, peripheral vision, range of motion and do a 45 minute behind the wheel test. After this they send paperwork to your doctor with their recommendation, whether it's something they can help you work on or if they recommend "driving retirement".
It's sad to see them lose their independence but the emotional and financial cost if something had happened while he was driving wasn't worth the risk. It worked out well for us since then Dad could be angry at someone a good distance away from us and none of us had to be the bad guy by taking his license away.
I think getting your mom a counseling appointment was a battle worth picking. You can't ensure that she cooperates once she is there, but at least you've gotten the ball rolling.
Another battle worth picking is the driving issue, because that involves both her safety and that of others. Like charmin6, I used a rehab center's driving evaluation service. It is good to get an objective outside opinion. If she passes, you can relax a little and just keep an eye on changes in her reaction time, vision, and judgment. If she does not pass then at least all siblings will know the same thing and can figure out together what to do next.
Why not set up a schedule with your mom to take her grocery shopping every other Sunday? Maybe go out for brunch first and make it a fun day. If Sis and Mom do lots of spontaneous shopping between your scheduled one, where's the harm? And if you show up and she says she went with Sis yesterday and doesn't need anything, use the time with her in some other way. See a movie together. Go shopping at the discount store. Play cards.
Denial is a valid coping mechanism. You are right about precious time being wasted, but you can probably make the best use of Mom's remaining "good" time without insisting she accept why. If she's always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, maybe brother can use vacation time to take that trip with her. You can continue to encourage the use of the shuttle as a convenience without reminding her that soon she will need to use it.
Do what you think needs doing. Work with your sibs as much as you can, but don't let that limit what you do. Definitely set boundaries. Definitely live up to responsibilities you've agreed to. And try not to worry so much about labels.
Wow, what a struggle you have, most of us would love to have someone fighting to help care for a loved one. The car issue is a big one and a battle you should continue to fight. I would let your sister know that if your mother hurts someone on the road, it will be her fault for not taking the keys as you and your brither have signed off on this issue. Your sister needs to think about how your mother could hurt her own daughter while driving a car?? She could not only hurt herself but many others on the road and this fact must be stressed to her somehow. I am sure this fact is on the list of many you have stressed to her.
Blessings,
Bridget
It took me a long time to figure this out so here it is: just back off. Do what you can, offer advice, visit as often as possible, but let the chips fall where they may. Continuing to get frustrated over the rug being pulled out from under you will just ruin your health and, in the end, they will do what they want anyway.
My big concern would be the driving issue. Take that one battle on until you are sure that she is no longer driving. She may end up losing her life and taking another along with it.
Here's what will happen in the future. Things will get to critical mass, then they will call you to "fix it." Decide at that time how much you are willing to do.
In the meantime, look for ALFs or other placements for your Mom because it sounds as if she will need one soon. If you sis is not a planner, at least you will have this info when the time comes. (btw, has your family discussed "what happens next?")
I know how frustrating this is, but two things are absolute: you will not change them and you cannot please them.
good luck
(PS: perhaps your sister sees your "boundaries for the kind of help" you are willing to provide or issues about "sacrifice" as wanting to do things on your time...not when they are needed. Perhaps try asking, "what can I do to help" and do what is asked. Also, since your Mom lives alone, it does not stop you from dropping in to check on her or to do things for her. Just a thought.)
Most of the communication has been going through my brother. For now, that's working well. Sis and I both have trust issues with each other; she doesn't think that I'm emotionally sensitive enough and may hurt mom's feelings, and I think sis says whatever she thinks we want to hear in that moment with no real intention of following through (or at best, she's promising to deliver more than she can handle). Sis does things on HER timeline, which in my opinion is not fast enough.
I'm working on not worrying about what she thinks of me. I know I'm doing a lot to help my mom. Our differing styles bring something positive to mom's care and fill a role that the other one cannot. It's unfortunate that caring for mom has destroyed our friendship, but I think we've discovered that we are VERY different people.
For what it's worth, my children do not have any duty to me in my old age. They're duty is to become productive members of society and live their lives to the fullest. No one should be born into servitude. If you feel a sense of duty to your mother, it is YOUR CHOICE to fulfill that duty or not. Your sister is still visiting with your mother every two weeks, so she's not completely useless. Not sharing the same sense of duty doesn't mean she is selfish or inconsiderate.
She calls Mom several times a week, and visits a couple times a month, but that does not meet your standards. And for some reason, you get to set the standards, she doesn't. OK. Sounds like she is living up to her own standards. The fact that visiting Mom is stressful for her hints at something in the nature of their relationship. And maybe, from what you say, she has a better relationship with her mil. That wouldn't be the first time that has happened, you know. Why would that make you so furious?
Oh well. I doubt that you are going to get SIs to change. It doesn't sound like you particularly want to preserve a friendly relationship with her, which seems sad to me, especially since you were raised with a strong sense of family. You make your choices. She makes hers. It seems a shame that has to estrange you.
You think that I don't belong on these boards. You may be right. I am responsible 24/7 for the care of an 85 year-old-man with dementia and congestive heart failure. But he happens to be my husband, not my father. My 91 year old mother is living on her own and my 3 sisters and 1 of our brothers take care of most of the day-to-day needs. I am extremely grateful to them, because I don't know how I could stretch myself any thinner to do that caregiving, too. They keep me in the loop and include me in decision-making and I pitch in when I can, taking Ma to doctor appointments, etc. So I am interested in the topic of caregiving for elederly people. My slant on it is perhaps a little different than that of most participants.
There are some professional caregivers on here, too. They aren't caring for their own parents, either, but I find their contributions worthwhile.
I think if everybody on here were in exactly the same situation with exactly the same views the forums would be less valuable.
Now that you know you don't respect my views, I hope you will just skip over them in a thread, and keep on benefiting from other opinions.