dnnstpierre Asked January 2012

I have POA over my Dad's girlfriend who use to live with us but Alzheimer's and behavioral issues caused me to put her in a nursing home. Her family wants to move her in with them. Do I have the right to say no?

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I care for my Dad's girlfriend who use to live with us but Alzheimers and behavorial issues caused me to put her in a nursing home. Before things got to a point of no return I had her appointment me as her POA and HCP...I am her guardian. Her family who does not really bother with her called her at the nursing home. Because one of her behavorial issues is constant crying they just assume she is unhappy. They want to take her to live with them. I don't think it is a good ideal due to the house hold having small children and a roommate who lives with them. The noise and confusion would send her into mass confusion. Do I have the right to say no? I sugguested they start seeing her on a regular basis and then I would consider weekend stay overs. Do you think they can fight me on this?

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ejbunicorn Jan 2012
JudyC what a nasty answer, If she has mpoa you are wrong, she has every right to do what she seems fit so but out because you don't know what you talking about
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JudyC Jan 2012
a POA is nothing except someone who handles another's affairs as if it were their own affair. You are NOT her Guardian. All they have to do is go pick her up , take her to a doctor and the doctor will contact by Letter to Soc. Sec. that you are no longer able or Eligible to have any dealings with this lady except to go visit her as always on Sunday. She can go wherever she wants to go. She can change who is her POA. Unless the woman is demented and unable to talk or make decisions you may reap what you sew. Turn about is fair game in this situation.
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Aune Jan 2012
I would not rush into anything. My question is where was the family when you initially became her guardian ? I think it would benefit the lady greatly to have a social worker involved who can ask some questions & look a little deeper into the family history and lifestyle. While you want her to be with family, you don't want her to be anymore upset than she is over how people treat her. Everyone needs love, respect & responsible & caring people in their life. We also need security & safety. That should be the number one priority for her.
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dnnstpierre Jan 2012
Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I do want her family to be able to take her to live with them. I would gladly revoke my POA and HCP if I knew beyond a doubt it was the right thing to do. I guess only time will tell. If they make regular visits to her and take her on weekends I think she will adjust. I just don't want them to take her and decide this is not what they were expecting and goes right back to a nursing home. At least with me she knows I pick her up each Sunday at 10:30am and we spend the day together.
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A dementia patient is always at risk of receiving marginal care or worse. Your father's gf is receiving one level of care in the nursing home. It may be better care than you could give her when she lived with you and caused you problems. Her family might give her better care than she is now receiving. There's a judgment call to make regarding her quality of care. All the other issues are at the mercy of who has the best lawyer and the deepest pockets full of money. The other relevant issue is how much money the gf has, which will be in the hands of the winner. As in most cases regarding health care these days, it's not the principle of the thing, it's the money. Sad but true.
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Kitty Jan 2012
Does your POA include making medical decisions or is there a separate Medical Power of Attorney or Health Care Proxy? The medical and health concerns outweigh the others, so whoever has is MPOA generally has the ultimate decision.
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ejbunicorn Jan 2012
Yes you have poa so it is your right to day no, if they want to challenge that then they have to take you to court
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mommag Jan 2012
If you wanted to turn the POA and HCP over to them and walk away, that would be ok. They are her family regardless of how they have acted in the past. I would pass the patton and leave it to her family and doctors and social worker to decide. Don't you want to have your own life? I surely would.
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chritz Jan 2012
I would have a sit down with a mediator (aka neutral party--like her Physician or a Social Worker) to discuss the situation and your concerns with them. While you have the "power" to do what you choose, it is her Family. Maybe once they better understand her condition they would change their minds, but if the situation was reverse would you want someone else making decisions for your family? If they still insist let them try. The last thing you want is for this to turn into a battle. There's enough stress in the situation with her condition already the best thing to do is find a way everyone can agree and be happy.
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I lean towards "Sly and the Family Stone" when they said "Blood's thicker than the mud" in the song "Family Affair". IOW, exactly why are you the POA? In our society boyfriends and girlfriends come and go all the time. And you are "just" the daughter of her boyfriend.

You didn't really elaborate on how this came about but I wonder if the family was fully informed of the deterioration of her condition at the time you say that "I had her appoint me as the the POA." What I'm thinking is that maybe her family assumed she was fine as long as she was healthy and living with her "boyfriend", but actually would have "bothered with her" if they had known she really needed it.

You know the actual truth of the situation, of course, but if it turns out to be true that they would have cared and taken action if informed, then that implies that you have a "stealth" POA, which IMO is legal but not ethical.
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