stephen Asked January 2010

My mother-in-law wants to come and live with us, she is 89 years old, no more money left to pay a nursing home. Can we get help with her?

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Galoshes59 Mar 2013
Oh, and BTW, I agree about taking her into your home. It is difficult when they are cooperative. I struggle with that, thinking I should bring mom to my home, especially since no one else talks to her. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

I do have a problem understanding how the other siblings always remember the bad times and conveniently forget the good. Mom has always been a handful, but as long as the money kept coming they put up with it. As soon as she cut them off, (or when I took control because there would not be enough left for her care if I didn't) all of a sudden they can't forgive her for things that happened 30 years ago. It's pathetic.
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Galoshes59 Mar 2013
Was she or her husband a vet? Have you looked at the VA Aid and Assistance benefit? Medicaid should cover a nursing home if she is out of money.
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MyWitsEnd Feb 2013
Gsw- Good for you. We got serious about other options after the holidays. MIL moved last weekend. It is amazing the immediate reduction in stress. I know I felt guilty and obligated to take MIL in. There was not a financial reason, she just announced she was moving in. I think in her head, she was going to manage our home for us. She had some very specific demands almost immediately, and was unwaivering in her insistence we do things her way. To anyone considering this, I would say to first consider all the alternatives. Make absolutely sure you and your spouse are on the same page. It seems a common theme here that sometimes elderly parents get it in their heads they just want to live with their adult child, and not the spouse and/or grandchildren. MIL was definately like that, and our son picked up on it. It is miserable to not feel welcome in your own home. If they do come to live, make sure all expectations are out in the open. If this is a temporary solution, make sure they understand that. Of course, that is hard if dementia is involved. But make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Openly discuss what you will and wil not do. Are you willing to quit your job tocare for someone 24/7? Are you willing to change diapers and bathe them? You need to be honest with yourself and your spouse. This is a major life change, and very stressful.
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gsw92498 Feb 2013
Anonymous has an excellent answer and fits me to a tee. If there is any other alternative, please don't take your Mom. MIL or anyone else in. It is a horrible mistake if you have the issues Anonymous mentioned and I did/do. My life is miserable and my husband and I have no privacy. Please give it much thought and consideration. I am in the process of seeing if I can find a place for her to go.
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busy Feb 2013
My question is have we all answered the
Posted question ?
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golden23 Feb 2013
(((((((actionspot))))))) I certainly can relate. I am down to about once or twice a year too with my mother, and that may be too much. My mother was delighted when my marriage broke up, and she moved closer to me, hoping to have me at her beck and call. I could not allow that though I visited regularly, and helped her in many ways.
I certainly understand your feelings "I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't." I can't any more either. My mother is 100 and in pretty good health. I am 75 and struggling with a couple if health issues and I cannot allow her to drag me down any more. This could go on another 10 years. I need some peace in my life. I think you are right about your mil being happy if your husband left you and the girls. My mother tried to divide me and my sig other around Christmas, amid a crisis she created. I drew some very firm boundaries which reduced the contact I have with her. I am at the point where for self preservation I am about done, too. I have POA, though she still manages her affairs. If there is more nonsense, I am dropping that - my sis, who plays these nasty narcissistic games too, is my POA back up, and she can have it. More ((((((hugs)))))) Look after you and yours. Joan
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Actionspot Feb 2013
My Wits End and Cmagnum, I appreciate your feedback. It has been tough over the years experiencing the type of relationship we have had with MIL, especially when my daughters became aware of how uninterested, critical and eventually absent their own grandmother was from their lives. My heart broke for them, but I must admit, after dealing with her for as long as we did, I was happy to finally just quit inviting her into our home. My girls now never even mention her~ my husband make an obligatory visit to her home once or twice a year, which is invariably followed by a nasty letter from her a couple of weeks later telling us all how awful we are. At least some of you can relate-so I don't feel quite so alone in this. It's just that at times, I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't. She has been so vicious over the years-bad mouthed all of us many times over, and I honestly believe she would have been happiest if my husband had divorced me and left our girls. Hard to fathom I know, but it is what it is. For self preservation, I think we just need to be done!
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cmagnum Feb 2013
Actionspot, my MIL sounds like that too for she constantly finds fault with my BIL and says things behind my back. She would love it if each of us were out of the picture so that she could have her daughters all to herself. My grandmother was this way for she wanted my mom to leave my step-dad and come home and take care of her in her old age.
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busha91 Feb 2013
If she is mobile, you may be able to pay privately when you are not home.
I took care of my mom in our home for 10 years and four years while we moved her in an apt. she did not want assisted living so we were the ones helping her.
I do not regret it . She appreciated and thanked my family daily. we had many precious memories and she deserved the wonderful care that we provided but there were many challenges. Other sibs did not want to help very much and there were many sleepless nights and messes to clean but I know in my heart that I did my best until she needed two people to care for her and my back is not strong enough plus I work outside the home . I know once you bring a family member in the home then they do not qualify for much because the entire family income is taken into account but the same member can get med assistance if they are in the nursing home. I think you should be able to get help at home also and laws will have to change. If she does go in the nursing home, visit often, play music, play games, bring food from home , have family parties, hug and kiss her, buy her nice clothes, get her hair done, make calls to family members on your cell phone so she could speak to them, we did skye the other day with my dai\ughter who is in another state and she really enjoyed that and we all sang together. you need a family meeting. you can try it and see what happens-it all depends how big your home is and how much care she needs. Good Luck
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MyWitsEnd Feb 2013
Actionspot- what is with these women? My MIL is exactly the same. She has been an abysmal grandmother. I was upset one day and promised two of my children I would be a better grandmother some day. One said, well she has set the bar pretty low. The other chimed in that one hug would put me over. Isn't it sad they have chosen to live their lives this way? After all the really nasty things I have seen her do and say, I really have very little compassion for her. You're right- it is a very good example of how not to live your life.
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