My 88-year-old mother with dementia has just moved to a retirement residence and she's angry & agitated, especially with my brother. How do we handle this?

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Is your brother the one that took her to the ALF? I placed my 89 yr old mother in a ALF against her will because she has dementia and wasn't safe living in her condo anymore. I couldn't even visit her for a couple of months, but my children did because she was so angry with me. She hated me and threaten to call the police.......Now 5 months later we just celebrated at the home her 90th birthday. She said that it was the best day of her life..Hopefully your parent will eventually calm down and adjust like my mother did....good luck.
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Hi there concern granddaughter...I went thru the same behavior pattern with my mother when we regrettingly had to move her in a NH. She behave the same way and was very angry with us, of which we felt terrible and guilty and all of those bad feelings. However, it got better, she realize all the care she needed that we (all us had jobs) could not provide for her. It will be okay. Does not feel to good right now, but it's all for her good. I hope this helps. Encourage your brother the same.
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My mother had to go to an ALF when she was 88 due to a broken leg and blindness. She hated it from day one. They moved her to another home and to a private room. She has had brief times when she is OK visiting with other family members who come to visit their parents. She lives in Fla. and I am the only daughter living in Calif. After a few months of being OK she is now raging again. Women have the most problems leaving their home because that it was they did all their lives - take care of it. In addition, all her money goes to the home, so she doesn't have "cash" and can't go out to dinner and do as she used to. I have sent over $3,000 of my own money paying aides to take her out, for her hair and shopping. She is still mad and now I am not calling since she is threatening to get an attorney, etc. She will be 91 tomorrow. She is in denial of her need to be in the home and since I don't live close there is no way I could supervise or afford to hire in house help. I have made 6-7 trips to visit her. Her background is that he was always moving, selfish and self centered. I am not going to be abused any more. I am 64. She lived her life and I have to life mine. She is well taken care of and will have to adjust to what it. Perhaps medication will help - antipsychotic drugs, etc. help. Maybe your brother shouldn't visit for a while if it gets her upset. Keeping her calm is the best thing to do. That is why I am not calling - it just gets her stirred up about my life compared to hers. nancy
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ED: I'm going to add one more thought on your suggestion. It could be that "Mom" doesn't recognize her son as her son, and could be confusing him with someone from her 'past'? Even her husband, or a brother with whom she had issues?

Asking her would be a good start, but may not solve the problem. Perhaps if he just modified his 'look' with a baseball cap (or the removal of one) or some other minor modification the stigma may pass. My mother wouldn't recognize me if I walked up to her, but if she saw my image in the mirror she would say hello!

Transitioning to a new environment is stressful in the best of circumstances add dementia to this and you have a VERY stressful time. Just be strong, keep your visits short, but often so she knows that you care. Try not to be defensive, just calm. Even a 'too happy' attitude or telling them how WONDERFUL their new environment is can really tick them off! After all their OLD situation was just FINE with them, remember? So be mindful and ask what you can get them from the 'store' or something constructive that will help them adjust. TALK to the administrator, as experienced personnel that deal with this issue ALL the time, they should have some suggestions. Post what they suggest here, so we can discuss.
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Totally great idea from Ed-to which I do agree. Unless you and we know the cause of your Mom'd behaviour---How are we to speculate? If possible, try to find out-why the anger-and then go from there? Also check out ANGER on the web-as there is a positive side to it as well.
Best,
Hap
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KIT:

There seems to be a lot more to it than just plain dementia. Ask her why she's so angry at him. Then ask your brother what things he could have possibly done to anger her so. It might be some old, unresolved issue that she's kept bottled upside all these years. Scour the recesses of her mind if you have to for the roots of her anger. Maybe then the three of you can have some peace. Good luck.

-- ED
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Hi Kitty
Unfortunately, I think this is a difficult part of our elderly loved ones adjusting to the change that moving into a facility brings to their lives. My mother suffers from dementia and personality changes,unimaginable false accusations directed at the staff, myself and my siblings, visitors in the facility have been an issue that I have had to learn to dance to.
Luckily, just as often as we are challenged by these undesirable events, we are also often blessed by Mother's moments and even days and weeks of lucidity and normalcy.
The bad times hurt her and they definitely cause me stress, but I attribute it to the disease and hold on to God's unwavering hand. I hope you find a way to modify the effects of what is going on with your loved one.
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My advice is let her work it out on her own if she's in independent or assisted living. If she's @ that level then she can and should be able to move about and make friends or meet people on her own and figure out how the system works. You don't need to be helicoptering over her.

Yes their angry and agitated at you & at themselves too.

If it seems to be focused on your brother, have him stay away for a few days and then come when she is having lunch with her group. Hopefully the group setting will keep her civil and let the other residents know that
he is caring & there for her. have lunch, visit and leave. Good luck!
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When we had to move mom to a assisting living, I had pictures of the family and things that she like to look at. My mom was up North in New York in a nursing home at first, when I bought her to Florida to be with me, I was not told how sick she was, But I had found a day care incase things did not go well. it work out good in a way, i had time to find a clean, home enivorement for her until her final days. I went almost every day and also help with activities like color with the recidents and bring movies.
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My dad was the same way. He would blame my brother for everything whether he had anything to do with it or not. Tell your brother to stay away for a while. It has worked with my dad and they are now at least on speaking terms.
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