I would call APS again and report the abuse to her you witnedded and also call the police and make out a report of what you saw and I would call APS at least once a week to ask what is being done and if it was a social worker that went to the house or a caseworker I would also as has been suggested call an elder lawyer and I would also call Social SERVICE in your county and if they blow you off call the state social service and call anyone else you think might be of health if you do nothing you could be charged by APS for not taking any action also her MD should be called and maybe a neighbor could pay her a visit every few days-she can not help herself at this time and since she is not getting proper meals and is not clean that alone along with the abuse is serious could her clergy visit her you need documentation from every one who visits her or is not allowed in the house and the APS worker who went to the house needs to be reported and I would visit her each day at different times and write down what you observe. In some states APS is very ineffective I was a victum of a report to APS wrongly made by a home care nurse working for one of two medicare agencies in my county. I was able to make a report against the case worker who pretended to be a social worker by a poliction running for office who dropped by for endorement who happen to be involved with social service in two counties and followed up reporting this women so I know APS in my state is a joke.
'ezcare' is right on track. There are so any unscrupulous people waiting to manipulate/control and scam people in your mother's situation. You should stand up to 'boyfriend's' under-handed behavior with an elder law attorney to help you stop him from acquiring POA...if he has not already done so! If your mother is pretty far along with Alzheimer's, adult protective services may be able to help get the guy out of the picture...but dealing with them is a whole 'nuther ball of red tape. Too bad one of the experts on this website has not weighed in to give you some advice & broad direction in which to proceed.
Foxey, Seems like the problem here is not your mother but her live-in boyfriend. Also seems like his interest in her is financial not for her welfare. Forget trying to be reasonable or trying to keep the peace. Yo are the adult in this situation and your mother is clearly in danger. You MUST take very direct action or he can wind up with POA and become the executor of your mother's estate. Here's what you need to do: 1) Seek out a reputable Elder-law Attorney in your mom's town. Make sure her live-in has no ties with this person. You need qualified legal help to file a formal complaint because elder abuse laws are tricky to navigate. You will also have to document the kinds of behavior you have observed and get other witnesses--like neighbors or her friends to corroborate. Adult Protective Services is probably doing this but you have to get them on the fast track. 2) You need to shield your mother from the turbulence. Her boyfriend is using her fear to keep her out of the decision loop. Don't play into this. Do not discuss anything with your mother when he is present--not even the weather. The time to discuss matters like POA and her future care will be when Adult Protective Services issues a restraining order against him and he is taken out of the picture. That is why you have to get your legal ducks in order with an attorney first. This will be a lot easier for you if you think ROLE REVERSAL. You are the parent and your mother is the child. How would you protect your child from this danger? We are all on your side. Good luck!
This "boyfriend" has no guardianship rights, I assume? Take the ball out of his court, now! I agree with Pamela 6148. Take her to the doctor regardless of what he says. It is none of his business!
Wow, Foxy. My heart really goes out to you. Such a sad situation and I feel for your mother as well. You can't just sit by and wait when your mother is in danger.
Surely this situation has happened to others with Alzheimer's. I wonder if a national Alzheimer's association or support group would have better ideas.
2 good Alzheimer's Support Programs that I know of are: 1. The Duke Family Support Program offers a wide variety of well-written resources for caregivers who are trying to manage their emotions by helping them understand them. One particular resource, http://www.geri.duke.edu/service/dfsp/links.htm. 2. “Pressure Points: Alzheimer’s and Anger” helps caregivers navigate through their emotions in a compelling booklet. The booklet can be ordered for $8 through the site.
This is the strangest situation I've ever heard.........an eighty-five year old has a manipulative controlling boyfriend who causes his "girlfriend" to take sides against her daughter?
All of the suggestions here are good. If I were you, I think I'd try to get a third party to help me get her to the doctor. I would also PRAY. I have prayed all the way through my journey caring for my parents, and God has not failed me yet, getting me out of "a pickle" where I felt my hands were tied and didn't know what to do. You have primary responsibility for your mother, and her boyfriend does not. (If they were married, it would be different.) So the decision is yours, not his. Please don't allow other people to manipulate your emotions or "make you" feel guilty. You have to be strong and know you feel convicted in your heart of what the right thing to do is. A nurse once took me aside ( who had experienced my father's difficult and irrational personality ) and told me: "You have to have big shoulders." She understood the difficult task I had before me and was offering her support this way. Do what you think is right. Pray and listen for God's direction. And be strong. God bless you!
Well what you do in that case is make a call to your police and ask them to make do a welfare check. Say you've been trying to call your mom and there is no answer and you are concerned for her welfare. They will do a courtesy drop by and call you and report back to you. Get an Incident number. This will be documented and that's what you need. Make a nuisance of yourself, and they will get busy just to get rid of you. Really.
This is an unusual case which requires unusual measures and I would go all out.
Anyone with a grudge against you can call social services on you if you have a child and you HAVE to let them into your home to check. You have no choice. I think they can even take the child right then and there if they think it necessary.
I understand why they cannot do the same for every other dangerous condition when it only concerns adults but in this situation it would be wonderful if it worked the same way.
Too bad someone can't call SS and annonymously report a child being mistreated in that home because then they'd have to to in.
I would put a video cam in the house, turn it on, then leave. I would also talk to your local police, as I'd be interested in hearing what they have to say. This is a desperate case. Unbelievably sad. I really feel for your mother.
I called APS last summer, gave them all the info. They even called her two friends who told them the same story.When I called them back, they told me I could give them info, but they couldn't give me any info back as to what they found or saw! Then they told me that if my mother would not let them in the house they could do nothing. So what good are they? I am an only child . I have a husband and a 29 year old son (the only grandchild) who just came back from living in Seattle . He left a good job and a good life to come back and try to get his Nana to go to the doctor.
HOney if you say all this, and it's true then you need to go over there and video all these things. Tape pictures of what your mom use to look like vs now. If she's in the same old clothing, stop each time you go by and buy a newspaper and place it against her and RECORD! You need to build a case and I just can't see how Adult Protective Services has not interviened, (xcuse my spelling that happens when I get angry).
If you go over and he's asleep, RECORD it!
The people at the store when your mom wondered out, have them write a statement about what they saw.
You have a lot of tolerance. Do you have a family? husband? brothers? sisters? cousins, great uncles, aunts....
His way of dealing with her Alz. is ignoring her. He falls asleep during the day and she has wandered outside. She lives right on the road and I'm afraid she will go out in the street or fall down outside. This past July , they went to the grocery store and got separated( he left her alone while he went to the bathroom). She walked out of the store , fell down off the curb and broke 3 ribs. She was on her way to walk home 3 miles down the road. Then he didn't take her to the doctor for 3 weeks.
OK can you have someone accupy the boyfriend, then have someone help you get your mom to the doctor?
or
stay away for a while, then go by and see what happens. Could you do that? I mean if he's dealing with her Alz why don't you let him see what it's like to REALLY deal with it.
SoAlone,My mother's boyfriend has no intention of marring my mother. She eats once a day,sometimes a muffin or cracker/tuna fish. She doesn't even know when she's eaten or not. I'm sure she hasn't showered in months and her hair is now shoulder length and filthy. She has been in the same dirty clothes for at least amonth or two. This includes sleeping in them. She now throws her soiled toilet paper next to the toilet on the floor.This is a woman who was meticuosly clean and had her hair done once a week.She has lost 30 lbs. in the past year weighing in at 115. Her boyfriend has grabbed her by her neck,thrown water in her face and tells her to call 911 because when the police get there " you crazy old woman" they will take her away. So now she just keeps quite about it.
Do you think your mother plans to marry the boyfriend? In which case he would become her next of kin and not your problem.
She sounds like she has her own life. If she is eating and is clean then I would visit her and leave her alone, don't try to force her into anything.
If the boyfriend is abusing her, if she is starving, or if she is overly dirty then maybe you could get legal help. Right now if he is not abusing her then he probably does feel he is protecting her from you. We have to remember that being weird, strange, forgetful, or even wasting money like crazy - is not dementia and is not illegal.
Umm lure your mom out under the pretense of going to lunch or something and make her sit in the backseat with childproof locks and windows?
I think SecretSisters advice to seek legal help is called for in this called for in this case. Are there such things as interventions for the elderly? I would keep working with the Office of Aging they really do have a mountain of resources at their fingertips to help you. Just because they were denied access, I do not believe they have given up. On the contrary, if they are wise they saw something was wrong right just by not being able to get in.
I can't imagine what you're going through, Foxy, nor will I pretend to. But I have to believe that there IS a way!
My mom's boyfriend not only lives w/her , he totally manipulates what mind she has left. When he is in the other room my mother is not too aggressive with me or my son. But as soon as he enters ,its like she is taking cues from him. When he starts making nasty comments to me, mymother starts screaming and telling me I have to leave or he won't shut up. This is all done on purpose by him to get rid of me. I can't get her to go to the doctor with me because she won't leave the house without him. Also, if I could get her in the car I believe she might try to jump out. Thats how bad she is at this point. Adult Protective services to all the information, but would not tell me the outcome other than if they woud not let them in the house, there is nothing they can do! So what good are they?
This sounds like a situation that you will need some help with. I sympathize with you, as I have dealt with some horrendous difficulties in my family concerning Alzheimer's and other serious mental health issues. Hard to help loved ones who don't understand, as we can't reason with a sick mind. Free legal services are available for seniors, and even for the daughter of one. They can at least give you some direction... Best wishes, and know you're not alone!
Foxy, Sorry for the roadblock you've run into. I'm sure you've explained to him how important her health is. Have you tried also explaining that "putting her away" is more difficult than one imagines? To force someone into a nursing home or other care facility takes alot more than "oh my mom is sick" you can't force anyone to go unless a judge decides this with full medical backing. Even then it depends on your moms current living situation. There are so many factors to getting someone "put away". It could take MONTHS to get your mom into a facility without her consent. IF she's that far gone.
Call her doctors office and explain the situation. If they feel she needs to come in, they will get a hold of her.
If you feel that she is in a dangerous situation and feel she needs immediate help call your local office of aging and adult services. If you would like to just talk about your concerns try calling the 24 hour hotline at www.alz.org. They are great at just giving advice. Of course, keep coming back here. There's a wealth of information all around.
Too bad one of the experts on this website has not weighed in
to give you some advice & broad direction in which to proceed.
Seems like the problem here is not your mother but her live-in boyfriend. Also seems like his interest in her is financial not for her welfare. Forget trying to be reasonable or trying to keep the peace. Yo are the adult in this situation and your mother is clearly in danger. You MUST take very direct action or he can wind up with POA and become the executor of your mother's estate. Here's what you need to do: 1) Seek out a reputable Elder-law Attorney in your mom's town. Make sure her live-in has no ties with this person. You need qualified legal help to file a formal complaint because elder abuse laws are tricky to navigate. You will also have to document the kinds of behavior you have observed and get other witnesses--like neighbors or her friends to corroborate. Adult Protective Services is probably doing this but you have to get them on the fast track.
2) You need to shield your mother from the turbulence. Her boyfriend is using her fear to keep her out of the decision loop. Don't play into this. Do not discuss anything with your mother when he is present--not even the weather. The time to discuss matters like POA and her future care will be when Adult Protective Services issues a restraining order against him and he is taken out of the picture. That is why you have to get your legal ducks in order with an attorney first.
This will be a lot easier for you if you think ROLE REVERSAL. You are the parent and your mother is the child. How would you protect your child from this danger?
We are all on your side. Good luck!
He has no guardianship rights, I assume?
Take the ball out of his court, now!
I agree with Pamela 6148. Take her to the doctor regardless of what he says. It is none of his business!
Surely this situation has happened to others with Alzheimer's. I wonder if a national Alzheimer's association or support group would have better ideas.
2 good Alzheimer's Support Programs that I know of are:
1. The Duke Family Support Program offers a wide variety of well-written resources for caregivers who are trying to manage their emotions by helping them understand them. One particular resource, http://www.geri.duke.edu/service/dfsp/links.htm.
2. “Pressure Points: Alzheimer’s and Anger” helps caregivers navigate through their emotions in a compelling booklet. The booklet can be ordered for $8 through the site.
Best of Luck.
This is an unusual case which requires unusual measures and I would go all out.
Record honey Record.
I understand why they cannot do the same for every other dangerous condition when it only concerns adults but in this situation it would be wonderful if it worked the same way.
Too bad someone can't call SS and annonymously report a child being mistreated in that home because then they'd have to to in.
If you go over and he's asleep, RECORD it!
The people at the store when your mom wondered out, have them write a statement about what they saw.
You have a lot of tolerance. Do you have a family? husband? brothers? sisters? cousins, great uncles, aunts....
or
stay away for a while, then go by and see what happens. Could you do that? I mean if he's dealing with her Alz why don't you let him see what it's like to REALLY deal with it.
She sounds like she has her own life. If she is eating and is clean then I would visit her and leave her alone, don't try to force her into anything.
If the boyfriend is abusing her, if she is starving, or if she is overly dirty then maybe you could get legal help. Right now if he is not abusing her then he probably does feel he is protecting her from you. We have to remember that being weird, strange, forgetful, or even wasting money like crazy - is not dementia and is not illegal.
I think SecretSisters advice to seek legal help is called for in this called for in this case. Are there such things as interventions for the elderly? I would keep working with the Office of Aging they really do have a mountain of resources at their fingertips to help you. Just because they were denied access, I do not believe they have given up. On the contrary, if they are wise they saw something was wrong right just by not being able to get in.
I can't imagine what you're going through, Foxy, nor will I pretend to. But I have to believe that there IS a way!
Best Wishes,
Kelley
Why can't you just make an apt. not tell her about it, and take her to the doctor without him knowing it.
Sorry for the roadblock you've run into. I'm sure you've explained to him how important her health is. Have you tried also explaining that "putting her away" is more difficult than one imagines? To force someone into a nursing home or other care facility takes alot more than "oh my mom is sick" you can't force anyone to go unless a judge decides this with full medical backing. Even then it depends on your moms current living situation. There are so many factors to getting someone "put away". It could take MONTHS to get your mom into a facility without her consent. IF she's that far gone.
Call her doctors office and explain the situation. If they feel she needs to come in, they will get a hold of her.
If you feel that she is in a dangerous situation and feel she needs immediate help call your local office of aging and adult services. If you would like to just talk about your concerns try calling the 24 hour hotline at www.alz.org. They are great at just giving advice. Of course, keep coming back here. There's a wealth of information all around.
Best Wishes