My 85-year-old mother has Alzheimer's and needs to go to the doctor, but won't because her boyfriend tells her I'm trying to "put her away." What should I do?

Foxy,
Sorry for the roadblock you've run into. I'm sure you've explained to him how important her health is. Have you tried also explaining that "putting her away" is more difficult than one imagines? To force someone into a nursing home or other care facility takes alot more than "oh my mom is sick" you can't force anyone to go unless a judge decides this with full medical backing. Even then it depends on your moms current living situation. There are so many factors to getting someone "put away". It could take MONTHS to get your mom into a facility without her consent. IF she's that far gone.

Call her doctors office and explain the situation. If they feel she needs to come in, they will get a hold of her.

If you feel that she is in a dangerous situation and feel she needs immediate help call your local office of aging and adult services. If you would like to just talk about your concerns try calling the 24 hour hotline at www.alz.org. They are great at just giving advice. Of course, keep coming back here. There's a wealth of information all around.

Best Wishes

Does your moms boyfriend live with her? if you don't mind me asking.

Why can't you just make an apt. not tell her about it, and take her to the doctor without him knowing it.

Umm lure your mom out under the pretense of going to lunch or something and make her sit in the backseat with childproof locks and windows?

I think SecretSisters advice to seek legal help is called for in this called for in this case. Are there such things as interventions for the elderly? I would keep working with the Office of Aging they really do have a mountain of resources at their fingertips to help you. Just because they were denied access, I do not believe they have given up. On the contrary, if they are wise they saw something was wrong right just by not being able to get in.

I can't imagine what you're going through, Foxy, nor will I pretend to. But I have to believe that there IS a way!

Best Wishes,
Kelley

All of the suggestions here are good. If I were you, I think I'd try to get a third party to help me get her to the doctor. I would also PRAY. I have prayed all the way through my journey caring for my parents, and God has not failed me yet, getting me out of "a pickle" where I felt my hands were tied and didn't know what to do. You have primary responsibility for your mother, and her boyfriend does not. (If they were married, it would be different.) So the decision is yours, not his. Please don't allow other people to manipulate your emotions or "make you" feel guilty. You have to be strong and know you feel convicted in your heart of what the right thing to do is. A nurse once took me aside ( who had experienced my father's difficult and irrational personality ) and told me: "You have to have big shoulders." She understood the difficult task I had before me and was offering her support this way. Do what you think is right. Pray and listen for God's direction. And be strong. God bless you!

Foxey,
Seems like the problem here is not your mother but her live-in boyfriend. Also seems like his interest in her is financial not for her welfare. Forget trying to be reasonable or trying to keep the peace. Yo are the adult in this situation and your mother is clearly in danger. You MUST take very direct action or he can wind up with POA and become the executor of your mother's estate. Here's what you need to do: 1) Seek out a reputable Elder-law Attorney in your mom's town. Make sure her live-in has no ties with this person. You need qualified legal help to file a formal complaint because elder abuse laws are tricky to navigate. You will also have to document the kinds of behavior you have observed and get other witnesses--like neighbors or her friends to corroborate. Adult Protective Services is probably doing this but you have to get them on the fast track.
2) You need to shield your mother from the turbulence. Her boyfriend is using her fear to keep her out of the decision loop. Don't play into this. Do not discuss anything with your mother when he is present--not even the weather. The time to discuss matters like POA and her future care will be when Adult Protective Services issues a restraining order against him and he is taken out of the picture. That is why you have to get your legal ducks in order with an attorney first.
This will be a lot easier for you if you think ROLE REVERSAL. You are the parent and your mother is the child. How would you protect your child from this danger?
We are all on your side. Good luck!

Foxy, I just want to add to my other post that it definitely sounds like it is time for your mother to be put into a nursing home.

'ezcare' is right on track. There are so any unscrupulous people waiting to manipulate/control and scam people in your mother's situation. You should stand up to 'boyfriend's' under-handed behavior with an elder law attorney to help you stop him from acquiring POA...if he has not already done so! If your mother is pretty far along with Alzheimer's, adult protective services may be able to help get the guy out of the picture...but dealing with them is a whole 'nuther ball of red tape.
Too bad one of the experts on this website has not weighed in
to give you some advice & broad direction in which to proceed.

I would call APS again and report the abuse to her you witnedded and also call the police and make out a report of what you saw and I would call APS at least once a week to ask what is being done and if it was a social worker that went to the house or a caseworker I would also as has been suggested call an elder lawyer and I would also call Social SERVICE in your county and if they blow you off call the state social service and call anyone else you think might be of health if you do nothing you could be charged by APS for not taking any action also her MD should be called and maybe a neighbor could pay her a visit every few days-she can not help herself at this time and since she is not getting proper meals and is not clean that alone along with the abuse is serious could her clergy visit her you need documentation from every one who visits her or is not allowed in the house and the APS worker who went to the house needs to be reported and I would visit her each day at different times and write down what you observe. In some states APS is very ineffective I was a victum of a report to APS wrongly made by a home care nurse working for one of two medicare agencies in my county. I was able to make a report against the case worker who pretended to be a social worker by a poliction running for office who dropped by for endorement who happen to be involved with social service in two counties and followed up reporting this women so I know APS in my state is a joke.

Call Adult Protective Services! Soon

You MUST act in your mother's best interests. Clearly no one else is. Will be praying for you both.