My mother lives in a nursing home and has depression. She has become verbally abusive and angry. She makes derogatory comments about my husband. How do I handle this?

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I don't think the negative comments about your husband are going to hurt, especially considering she's suffering from depression. If she is elderly that's a side effect of getting old. You could tell her that it bothers you and ask her not to do so if she wants you to continue to visit, but I don't really think it will make much of a difference. Sometimes they become bitter, sometimes they don't. My mom has become a lot more bitter than she use to be, (90 yrs old). I normally roll with whichever personality I've been dealt on that day.

Usually when we go out to the garden to work it all disappears anyway. Veggies and flowers have a way of bringing the beauty out in people.

Keep trying to communicate, she'll come around.
Wow pamela, you're a lot nicer than me. I would repeat the old adage to her
' if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. And tell her to keep her biting remarks to herself. But then like I say, you're much nicer! :)
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One thing you can do is you can casually say "Well, I've got to be going now..." when she starts becoming verbally abusive. in her mind, she may put two and two together, and may realize there are consequences (your leaving) if she becomes abusive. Then her behavior may improve some. She won't stop altogether the negative behaviors, but this could help to bring them under better control. I would advise you not to respond to her in kind, in the same sharp , angry tone of voice that she is speaking in. Whatever you do or say, always speak in a calm voice. You could try calmly asking her to not talk about your husband that way, but I have a feeling that isn't going to work. What is more apt to work is....."Redirect"....That is, change the subject right away to something else. if you didn't even hear what she just said, and now you're commenting on her lovely picture that she hung over there, or whatever....
Try things like that. Also, make sure that you always arrive with a smile on your face and a cheery countenance, because you can do a lot to set the tone for the encounter with her that day. Often our elders will mirror us and what they see in us. They will mirror our moods.
Yes Naheaton I am much nicer, I pick my battles now. My mom still comments on my hair. Hates "FRO'S" would rather my hair be as neat as pie just like it's been all my life as I constantly listened to my mom tell me how I should wear it. Now I'm a radical, according to mom and she hates, hates, I mean hates it and never lets me forget it. I simply say "yes mom I know that you do not like it however this is my head and I choose to wear it this way and that's the end of that tune. Just a small example.

I don't sweat the small stuff anymore, lifes too short and I've realized that through moms illness. All that use to make me mad only makes me laugh now. I've changed and I hope I heep changing for the better.

The depression med is starting to work. She does not cry so much. She still starts to make comments about my spouse and I change the subject. I feel different though. I still go everyday and try to be upbeat. On Mother's day only my sister and I are going to have lunch and time with her. I feel badly that this happened and do not know if it will begin when my spouse comes to visit. I have asked him not to for the timebeing. She still gets very angry and wants to die.
tell her how you are feeling and if she continue ignore her... understanding that she is not mentally ok.. laugh about it don't get mad/ follow her conversation laughing about ask her and why you think so. we have to be smart and not allowing her bad comments affect you because you will ended up upset/depressed

NHs will depress anyone, including visitors. ... And also enhance any other psychological baggage that residents bring with them. It's not surprising that any hidden resentments they might have against someone -- in this case your husband -- will fester.

Frankly, I wouldn't "cope" with your mom's derogatory remarks about your husband but try to find an effective solution. In my book, "coping" means putting up with or tolerating something. Some people choose to ignore the situation, but it's still there. Others make excuses for it, which perpetuates the unwanted behavior.

Have you ever asked her what is it about your husband that makes her resent him so? Or is she just looking for a target that she knows won't fight her back? Unless she has Alzheimer's or any other serious mental disease or imbalance, see what you can do to help her channel that anger elsewhere and in a positive manner. Definitely ask the staff for help, but also make her an offer she can't refuse: either respect your husband by keeping nasty comments to herself or you'll come by less often. Plain old age is no excuse for treating people who care about you like garbage.

Cameron, it sounds like you are coping well now with the situation with your mother. It is good that your Mom's meds are kicking in and you're seeing improvement in her mood and behavior. When my mother was alive, she would often say to me two things: "Just do the best you can." and "Just take it one day at a time." Hope that helps you too.....hang in there.....
Mother's day was very different. Only my sister and i went to have lunch with mom. She would eat nothing and b arely talk. We tried various subjects with little success. She did not care if she went outside or talked or went back to her room. It seemed like a wasted effort. Tomarrow my spouse will go visit again and we wiil see what happens. She has lost 8 pounds. I will keep trying to be positive and listen to her. It is really hard lately. Thanks for your support.
just tell her your there to visit, but your dont appeciate her badmouthing your husband. if she doesnt stop, leave and tell her that you'll back when shes in a better mood, your not gonna put up with that, that you will leave until shes nicer.

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