Mom was recently diagnosed as having a "Personality Disorder." I'm wondering what this means, and where we go from here?

A "personality disorder" is a mental health issue, and a serious one. If there was a sudden change in her personality, it's possible dementia is involved and she then needs to see someone who will test her for that. If this isn't sudden, maybe the diagnosis is correct. They will likely try counseling and medication.

So, please ask yourself, how did change become evident to you? When did it start? If no dementia tests were given, I'd strongly suggest that those tests be done, including a PET scan. Medications would be different for the two diseases.

Take care,
Carol

Carol, thank you for your thoughtful response. You clarified some things for me. As a daughter, it sometimes seems harder to be objective, but your reply gave me some direction for evaluating my observations. With Mom, I think we're dealing with lifelong behavioral problems, which we suspected, but were never quite able to define. She's been recently assessed by a Geriatric Specialty Clinic, involving a team of Doctor, Psychiatric Nurse, Social Worker and Pharmacist. They made the PD diagnosis (of unknown variety), and suggested further evaluation by a Psychiatrist. They discontinued medications they suspected were causing rebound symptoms. Rightly so, those symptoms have all but disappeared. Mom and I are thankful for that.

Furthermore, they agreed to my removing narcotics from Mom's repritoire as well. I received confirmation in writing that it was medically warranted, (and not just my doing...) so, again, I'm thankful for that. Her own astute referring Geriatrician suspects Mom has some Dementia, as well, (though she scored 30/30 on the regular scale). The Clinicians said just because she passed the memory test, doesn't mean much. I think it's a rather dumb test unless someone has obvious deficiencies, and then, it seems just to measure how far gone they are.

I was surprised at Mom's Depression diagnosis, and worried about them prescribing Zoloft, which tends toward side effects. I also wonder what others medications are used for people with a Personality Disorder, and if they help, and how.

Mom's diagnosis is a whole new way of thinking. I have to go back in my memories and reorganize my thoughts to fit in with, not just suspicions, but actual medical fact. That changes things!!! And it also helps me understand the egg shells we've been dancing around for so many years. I'm sure this will be a long process of adjustment. Now I better understand the fragile and volatile emotions we've all been experiencing for so long! In a sense, that's a relief, but the unknown is rather ominous in terms of, "What next?"

Just for today, I'm pleased to be exonerated of Mom's false accusations, and my own self-doubt, to some extent. I rest in the fact that God is guiding, and has answered some prayers in these matters. We still have many unanswered questions, but time will reveal more, I'm sure.

Carol, thank you for reminding me of the seriousness of this diagnosis. Lacking judgment for properly taking care of oneself often puts added burdens on their Caregivers. The Clinicians called her Personality Disorder "serious," as well. Never thought of it that way before. (Always thought Mom was just a little "loopy," or eccentric.) My sister and I jokingly called Mom a "sickie," but didn't know how accurate that was. I've blamed her alcohol and drug use for years. They certainly exacerbated the problems, but didn't fully explain them. Now, I curious to learn more about Personality Disorders, and what to expect. I was warned that Mom will become much worse. That's a scary prophesy. I've only just become Mom's Caregiver, and am already weary from it's requirements. It's a brave and demanding role. So thankful that God led me to this site for support and encouragement.

Can anyone who's been through similar waters offer helpful suggestions for navigating effectively and safely through the whirling dervishes? Prayer appreciated; thank you!

Bravo to your widsom and bravery, SecretSister.

Yes, alcoholism and driug use likely made this worse. Also, abuse can cause its own form of dementia. I agree about the tests. They are only one little clue for some people. Your observations are much more valuable.

Antidepressants do have side effects, and it can get complicated as many people do well on one and worse on another. That said, they are often a good choice. It's just hard to find the right one and the right dosage.

You have a long road ahead. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Carol

Thank you, Carol. I don't know why, but reading your encouragement brought tears to my eyes. (Perhaps it's the "long road ahead" part...) I thank God for his wisdom and grace; without which, I'd be lost. And thank you for your encouragement!

Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, and the waste of spirit.

Sharchar, that's a very good saying. Prayer changes things as well. Thanks for your input!

A personality disorder is a very serious mental illness. If the diagnosis is correct ( it may not be), then only a qualified, board-certified experienced psychiatrist is able to work with your mother.
Now there are sub classifications of this disorder. You must find out what exactly is her specific diagnosis. Ask for examples, both behavioral and language. Remember that attitude comes before behavior, just like a toothache comes before an abcess.
If anyone you know has been diagosed with a personality disorder, do not try to engage them in a conversation or get them to do anything. You will regret it.

Best of luck I am sure that my husband had PD my therapist based on what I had told her said he did that is a whole another ball of wax and I do not think many docs know enough about it. I am back from the wedding and it was nice but could not wait to get home-it was a long trip up and back but had never gotten to that part of the state so that was fun- I did not have to drive except 20 miles to my brothers house and got to spend some quality time with my sister two of the days. I still feel like I am in a fog but it has not been three weeks yet-my cat was very upset but was cared for very well in my home and quickly forgave me and sticks like glue to me now.

If you mean Borderline personality disorder I"m surprised it would have taken her this long to be diagnosed. BP's are chameleons - with chaotic lives. They lie. They are sugary sweet and charming to some, hateful to others. Its always drama and all about them. They fear abandonment and can be incredibly vindictive if they feel threatened

There is a good book called Walking on Eggshells and lots of info on the internet.

I think this is a disorder that often goes diagnosed for years, as these people are just considered "difficult." Walking on egg shells is a perfect title for a book on the subject, as that's what people living with this in their home must do. Thanks for the great input.
Carol

Maybe it didn't take this long to diagnose her. Perhaps some saw it, but what could be done? Denial ran strong in our family, with Dad working 3 jobs, rarely home. Perhaps many, many were in denial, felt powerless, or both.

My sister and I unwittingly called Mom "crazy," little realizing the hidden meaning or truth, while doubting our own perceptions. But who could authenticate that? As children we weren't "allowed" a voice; often targeted as, "The Problem." (Translated: "If only we'd behave, then Mom wouldn't...")

When the Clinical Team, asked if she were angry: Mom denied it. I asked permission to state the blatently obvious answer. They listened as I replied that we never knew anything but anger around her. Mom defended herself, saying, "I was only angry because you MADE me that way..." (telling on herself). My husband thought this was classic, kind of laughing about it. I'm not laughing.

My Pastor related a recent event, when called to a jail to "help," someone in serious trouble. The man excused his behavior, saying he was Bipolar. Pastor said, "No, you're a Narcissist; you love YOU! As a selfish child you threw a tantrum until you got your way, and people gave in for expediency. Continuing on that path led to your incarceration as an adult. Adults have consequences, and that's why you're in jail. It's not a medical problem, but a sin problem." At what point does a oft-traveled path become an "organic" condition?

A team member from the Clinic called yesterday to ask how Mom was, and if we followed their recommendations. There are many appointments scheduled, and medications have been changed or discontinued; with a new one started. They say it's a long road ahead. I'm already fatigued.

Thanks for your input, ladies. We lived in Mom's "chameleon world" a long time. I'd say she's vindictive whenever she's threatened with not getting her way, or having her perceptions challenged. Her lying nails jello to the tree. And "difficult" is a polite euphemism for the unmanageable, isn't it?

I'm going to research the eggshell book. Will check out "Borderline Personalities" as well. Thanks for your thoughtful responses. I'm praying we can find resources needed to navigate these stormy waters.

Dealing with "difficult" people also requires strength and support. Prayer and concrete suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you, dear ladies!

Very interesting post about this disorder. Thanks for the input and please keep us posted and you travel this road.
Carol

walking on eggshells- that is it-I send blessings to anyone who's loved ones have it I wish I had had a name for it when it would have done me some good but at least I was listened to by our N.P. about bi-polor

Thanks, everyone. I hope your life is more peaceful, now, Austin. You're a good lady. Take care of yourself, and here's a hug! :)

Secretsister thank you so much I had to write the obitutuary to take tomarrow and my son proff-read it for me so that is done and taking one step at a time and letting others help-I have been so independent all my life it is hard to let others help but am learning to let others assist a little at least for the time being.

Austin, writing an obituary is tough duty. Thank God you have the help and support of our family through this time. Sometimes it's hard to accept help even from those who love us, but when we do, we are helping them. Your accepting help is part of closing the circle because of all the help you gave your husband.
Carol

I've been doing the research on Personality Disorders. Borderline didn't resonate, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder does. I am amazed by how much information there is about the subject. I thought it was Dementia, but couldn't get medical backing to agree, though one Doc recently said, "maybe." And I partially mistrusted my own observations, but no more! NPD is right on target for my Mom. My husband agrees, which is helpful. Perhaps a follow up with the Specialty Clinic will confirm, or with her Psychiatric referral. At least we're closer to understanding, and further from confusion, which made me "feel crazy," at times. I feel much stronger, and more confident about my suspicions and observations, now. Having the medical profession diagnose and support me has greatly relieved my doubt, which helps my own mental state and stress level. I've been looking for answers for so long, and am so grateful. While this doesn't change anything else, at least I can glean from the wealth of research done on the subject, and go from there.

They say Mom's complicated, because she has so much going on. She's had many surgeries, RLS, addictions, sleep problems, back and leg pain, headaches, poor circulation, and now Cancer. This journey has been difficult, and is predicted to become worse. Ye ha! But I've also been blessed with perseverance, a little rest, and a second wind of compassion, grace, and inner joy. So... Now I'm waiting for the next appointment, and curious about the next steps in the process. Should be interesting, at least.

Has anyone reading these posts tread this path before???

Dear sisiter sisiter, When they told you mom my have a PERSONELITY DISODER they may have not know what is wrong with your mom. Yes there some test that are simple. I was lied to by the doctors in New York before I brought mom to Fl. But I did notice changes little by little. But no one would help until a demanded a special doctor to see her. If mom does have Alzheimer's/Demntia the illness does get worse but there are medicines that can be given if it is the early stages its better. my mom just had two test done. One was in May 2009 after leaving the hospital. And going back to the assisting living and another one when she fell and went back into the hospital in June 2009 and several doctors asked several test.Of course I was there her whole stay and I started to cry when the testing was done. One of the kind doctors stayed with me because he knew what I was going through, his grandfather was being treated and his dad is going through what I am. Yes the book THE-36 HOUR DAY DAY does help me and also the Alzhemer's Assocation is always there for me. No one person can give all the answer why this happens to some people. Mom never drank or smoked but she used to take pills. I was so younge I did not know what they were. They keep telling me there light at the end and I am a good person for being there for my mom 24/7 . But no what's to see there own parent fall apart in and forget things or say things or not remember there grandchildren or husband (DAD). She does know me at all times. I have not been to the assisting livinf in a week because my nerves acted up and I had chest pains. Its was related to stress. I do have a friend (neighbor) who works part time and she said mom change in medicine is working. I have a class today (support group) And I am going to see mom Fri. All I can say to you is take care of yourself, bless.Your words come over as a caring daughter. have a nice day .

Dear Patricia, you sound like a wonderful, caring daughter too. You are right about the dementia. It does not show to doctors, like it does to the family members who are with them on a daily basis. It sure is a tricky disease isn't it? I'm still asking myself everyday, is really alzheimer's/dementia, or am I losing MY mind? It is the hardest thing in the world to watch a parent decline, and lose social ability, and communication diminish. It is as they say, "The Long Goodbye". God Bless all of you angel caregivers, and take care of yourselves too.

Dear Naus, I can relate to your post! I figured Mom had Dementia, and several thought she did. Upon some recovery and a medication change, they all recanted. I was not so sure, trying to figure it all out. To be told it's a Serious Personality Disorder helped me understand the confusion I'd felt all my life, often questioning my own sanity. So you have felt the same? I read The Long Goodbye, and many more books on the subject in order to understand my Dad. Now I'm reading about PDs. A very interesting subject, but no clear guidelines...since it's different for everyone, and there are so many facets. Add to that Cancer and Depression, and the whole picture is bleak and our task daunting; sometimes overwhelming. I am thankful for some medical backing, though. My parents always told me I was the problem, but Mom is still the same, and I have been set free.

Patricia, thanks for contributing. I wish it were "just" Alzheimer's. My Dad has it, and I've come to know it well. But my Mom doesn't fit that mold at all. I tried to go that route, but she passes all the tests with flying colors. But in the mental health arena, she "rings every bell," according to her Clinicians and Physician. So let the games begin...

Much luck to you in your journey with your Dad's Alzheimer's. I live it every day with mine, and the Dementia route with FIL. The 36 Hour Day helps, as well as many other resources and support groups. We are immersed in Caregiving, and it's not for sissies, is it? So sorry to hear about your stress, and accompanying medical problems. Will be praying for you. Take care, and thanks for posting.

Dear Nauseated, it is true that it is nice to people we can chat with. Everytime the phone rings I jump. I feel at times I am going crazy and am the only feeling like I do. But I know there are others like us, who go day to day, hoping and praying things may get better. Thw illnwss is very hard to understand and there no one out there can answer all our questions. they just try and change the medicine and see what happens. But here we are just watching and saying to ourself why did this have to happen. Bless you all out there who take care of someone out of love.

I take my mother to a local hospital for her second Chemotherapy Treatment this morning. For days, I've been dreading the car ride and interaction with her. This is a typical reaction for me any time I know I'll be seeing her. It's especially difficult during holidays, but that's a different story. I talked to her a couple days ago, and her bristling responses and caustic remarks impact me so negatively that I dread each encounter. No matter how much I do for her, (buy flowers, groceries, her favorite treats, etc.) she's still vindictive toward me (even behind my back to others). It's like she wants to punish me for the misery she feels raging inside of her.

My husband has offered to drive her today, (to save me the emotional abuse ~ isn't he wonderful!?) but feel I need to go to monitor her "before and after," and gauge her symptoms and reactions to Chemo. I don't the responsibility, in part, except dealing with her poisoned attitude. I know it's not just me, because my sister and she quarrel often. She treats her husband just as poorly (who suffers from Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease).

Dealing with mother's ill-tempered countenance is nothing new. She's been like this for as long as I can remember, and probably longer. (Don't really know what the problem is, but I don't think it's me.) Since her recent "Personality Disorder" diagnosis, I've been researching some internet sites about it. That is not pleasant reading. I had to suspend that activity because it is unpleasant, and who wants to dwell on that plane?

I have prayed for God to change my attitude and responses to Mom, and give me grace in dealing with her. ("A soft answer turneth away wrath.") Just don't know how to combat the feeling of dread before an encounter, knowing that no matter what I do, she'll still be mean. I'm also praying that God somehow get a hold of her heart, and help her change. I'm thinking that would be a miracle. Thanks for your prayers and helpful suggestions.

Sometimes starting your drive with a smooth sounding CD, or Rev, Vincent Peale's CD on The Power of Positive Thinking is a great way to set the tone and your expectations for your drive time. If Mom acts up as she normally does, verbally re-direct her attention to the music, and/or message If neither of those are of interest, a book on CD that is simple to follow, maybe a biography, or Anything not too fast-paced may help to slow your Mom's thinking down and help to mentally transport her elsewhere instead of becoming stuck.

Caregiverslight, thank you for the great suggestions. If not Mom, it may be a positive focus for me. Hmmmm, redirecting her attention, and slowing her thoughts...gets me to thinking... Thanks!

My pleasure, SecretSister. I also enjoy Deepak Chopra's narrative CD's. I am a believer in prayer and spirituality that transcends all religious denominations, though I will always remain true to my Christian beliefs. For those of us who are believers in God and prayers, there is a saying to the effect that prayer always changes things, even if it's only me.

Matters not to me what changes, as I can tell it matters not to you when you say that it may be a positive focus for you.

I promise you that much of a shift in focus will occur, if only for you. Even if that is all that happens, imagine the peace and serenity that is yours regardless of where your Mom may remain psychologically and emotionally speaking, albeit no fault of her own.

Blessings and peace to you with your beautiful and patient caregiving Spirit, SecretSister. It is already well within your soul, I can tell, in terms of your soul searching and seeking. Keep right on doing what you're doing. You will never become stuck as long as you are a searcher for truth and peace. Hugs.

He said, ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. Just wanted to let you know that things went better than I expected with Mom. With much hair loss, she was wearing her new wig, and was in fair spirits. We listened to Christian radio on the way up, and it is a beautiful day, (inside and out) for me. Thank you for responding, and for your prayers. They made a difference, and changed me and Mom. No bitterness was expressed, and our time together went smoothly. (Answered prayer in itself.) I have the afternoon to myself while she finishes her Chemo, then an hour+ round trip back to retrieve her. I will keep the music focus thing forever in my mind with her in the car. And I'll remember your kind encouragement and support, which lightened my day. Thanks for being such a blessing, as you truly are sharing your "care giver's light." To God be the glory.

My pleasure, SecretSister! That's what friends are for. To God be the Glory, indeed. My Dad used to say that we have God and we have each other. That always sticks with me in times of life challenges. We are never alone; just takes eyes of faith to see, and to "be still, and know...."

Sounds like a precious treasured memory of your Dad, too. In the sweet by and by...something to look forward to! Until the trumpet sounds...

O, and by the way, Mom came through the Chemo OK today, and we got her back home without drama, complaining, and anger. Amazing grace!!! I dreaded this encounter, but that anxiety was unfounded, this time...(or I just received the blessing of a miracle). I'm thanking God for his answered prayer, and all you for your love and support!

Next, I'm praying this will last, because I'm ever-hopeful. Despite Mom's predilection toward the opposite and our experience from the past, God is bigger than all that! He loves to bless his children. I'm praying he turns the Physician's counsel to naught. Prayer for healing, anyone? Thanks, again.

My mother has BPD. I always thought she was just plain crazy. It was good to be able to put a name to it. Growing up in her home was not fun. Now she lives in my home. I am her caregiver. It is difficult to say the least. But I have learned how to deal with her.
As time goes by it gets better, not because she has changed but because I have changed. My mother has always been the queen of guilt trips but I don't allow them to wound me anymore. You see, we do the best we can as our mother's daughters. We are the product of their upbringing. But we can rise above that, with prayer, and care for them better then they ever cared for us. Except her as she is and forgive her.