My dad has Parkinson's Disease, along with a lot of other health issues. He's in constant pain, and is wheelchair bound. Dad is up all night due to the pain, etc, and needs help going to the bathroom, turning in bed, etc. Mom is the primary care giver, 24/7. She promised dad a long time ago that she would never place him in a facility. Needless to say, mom gets close to no sleep every night. Her health is declining as a result of her taking care of him. I've offered to come on a friday night to help, as I can't be awake and go to work. I was turned down, because dad wouldn't feel comfortable for me taking him to the bathroom, and I wouldn't know what to do. Mom is rapidly becoming frustrated, and I'm afraid somewhat nasty as a result.
Eventually, mom will need a surgical procedure due to all the lifting she has to do with dad. I stop by every day after work, and on the weekends, and run some errands for them, as mom can't always run out.
I've gotten Hospice involved, but they don't help out at night. In order to get some help at night, we'd have to get a private nurse. My folks, financially can't afford it, and unfortunately, with two children in college, I can't either. The hospice people have suggested respite care, where they would place dad in a facility for a week, so that mom could get some rest. But mom has refused.
I guess aside from venting, I'm looking for ideas and or suggestions. I'm considering the health of both my parents. I'm at whit's end, as I don't know where to turn for help. We're all stuck between a rock and a hard place.
In between it all, I have to see my physician to see if I need anti anxiety or anti depressants because of all this. How do you tell your parents this?
I appreciate any help or suggestions anyone has to offer.
thanks!
Some days are better than others in dealing with it all. I'm dealing with two very stubborn people here, making a bad situation even worse.
I will continue coming to this site, as it helpful, and I do appreciate everyone's advice. I validates that I am doing all I can do under the circumstances. Is the guilt still there? You bet! But I'm trying to learn to deal with it, for my sake, as well as my family's.
Again, thank you all, and keep the advice coming! :-)
I am afraid that some "tough love" is called for here. I understand the part about parents not wanting to listen to their children. Perhaps your mom's doctor could speak with your father and let him know what the lifting, etc. is doing to her health. My mother has no clue about the toll caregiving has taken on my health. So I had to make changes as needed. I hired paid caregivers to come by twice a week and that has made a big difference.
Is either your mom or dad a veteran? I just learned this week that you can apply for benefits that can provide some in-home care. You need to show that your dad needs assistance for most of his ADLs...I am sure he can qualify.
good luck...changes need to be made...I hope you find the right solution.
As far as him refusing to use the commode/urinal, I agree with the previous poster --- have the hospice nurse review it and insist. It is another loss of skills for your Dad but sometimes we have to overrule our loved ones. They aren't able to see what the illness is doing to everyone, not just themselves. Good luck
The Colonel, for whom I worked until he died on February 20th, used to be very proud and reluctant to have his kids help him in the bathroom. That changed. People do change. You may see both of your parents turn to you for help, and it may surprise you. I was amused at how the Colonel went from absolute privacy to asking me to be sure I wiped his butt really well. Somehow, when the need became that great, he put his pride aside. Your parents may do the same.
If not - please do take time to allow yourself to relax and be at peace knowing that the capable people who raised you and helped you become such a giving person, are making choices they feel are best. We see the hurt and want to fix it. You may not be able to fix this one - yet. Patience. Your parents are blessed to have you.
Dad has the commode, and a urinal, but 'doesn't like them'.
As far as mom doing the lifting, she has no choice, because dad, especially at night, move his legs, and is basically dead weight.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I find myself yelling at mom sometimes, because they want one thing, but complain about it. They can't have their cake and eat it too.
I can't help but resent my parents for not preparing themselves somewhat for this, and leaving it all on me. because they expect me to take care of everything.