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Mom is 91, short term memory is "going", as is her ability to walk. She lives alone in the house where Dad died 2 years ago & doesn't want to leave, but she is so lonesome for family to visit.

She pays wonderful caregivers 6 hrs./da. (expensive), but is alone too much & is beginning to be fearful at night. She doesn't sleep in her bed anymore because she can't get out by herself, so she sleeps in her reclining lift chair. (not good if the power goes out). She does have Life Line, but that doesn't work if the phone lines are down. My 2 brothers say hire more help to keep her company.

1 brother is retired, lives out of state, & is NO help at all. The other is 40 mins. away, but has a demanding job. He did well this summer going by often to help out during his vacation.

I am newly retired & am helping my husband fight his battle with cancer. We are an hour away and used to visit every Sunday, bringing dinner & occasionally staying overnight. Mom understands why things have changed & gets upset when we can't come because she loves her son-in-law. I've learned not to share too much information because it makes her cry. We used to talk on the phone daily, but it's more like 3 - 4 times a week if I have the time/energy.

Mom & Dad both lived with us for a year when Mom was 1st diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. No problems with the living arrangements. They lived back home together for 3 more years until Dad died. Mom's cancer came back in January, just before my husband was diagnosed with cancer, also. Mom has out-lived her prognosis by 2 months so far. My husband's prognosis is also poor.

My husband was the one to suggest that we bring Mom to live with us, knowing how lonesome she is & how the situation is weighing on me. But, she doesn't want to come. She wants to stay in her own home. So does my husband.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom/advice that you might have.

Thank you
goldenrt

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RK:

See if she can get a free cellphone from SafeLink or Assurance Wireless. You can apply online. Here in NY, people on PA have one or both. I'd spread the word to the entire family that she'd like them to come visit. Wish is granted times 10, she might do a Greta Garbo and say "I want to be alone." Easy crosswords might help keep her memory sharp. Devout churchgoers can work on her spirituality every Sunday. ... An ad in the paper looking for sleep-in or night owl caregivers can also help.

While you're at it, tell her this crazy guy from The Bronx, NY sends his regards, a kiss, and a big hug.
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Could your mom be talked into just "visiting" you for a few weeks? That might give everyone a chance to see how this would work out. She doesn't have to feel like this is a committment, and sell her furniture and close up the house, etc. It is just a visit.

If it does work out that you live together for a few weeks or forever, continue with the caregiver service. You would be bringing Mom in to keep her company, not to take over the caregiving role.
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I think that if you are, right now, caring for a husband with cancer ~ then your plate is full. How are you also going to caretake for aa 91 year old woman with dementia?

I admire your heart - but the logistics would kill me and will take a very serious toll on you.

If you worry that your Mother spends too much time alone - could she afford one of the nicer assisted living facilities? They are about as far from a 'nursing home' as you can get.

I honestly just think that caring for both - would be too much for any ONE human being.

I wish you the best.
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