Independence Day

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I reached my saturation point with my AD/narcissistic mom yesterday and don't know whether to mourn or celebrate. I will now go very low contact. Over the past couple of weeks Mom's conduct toward me has become intolerable; incessant complaints, trash-talking me and all her family, lies, delusions, demands, and threats increase, despite my loving attention. Two days ago, for a pleasant outing away from memory care (she has just entered mid stage) I took her to an art exhibit on the beach that in times past might have distracted her from her hate and bitterness, to no avail. Rather than enjoying the beautiful beach, the people-watching, the original art, the perfect weather, she whined about how my sister and I never did anything for her(!!!!!!!!), how confined and miserable her life was at mc, and how deceitful we were and were only after her money (?????????????).


Mom manufactures bogus ailments for attention, and takes the opportunity to browbeat me for refusing to remove her from m.c. (which is an appropriate living arrangement for her). She threatened repeatedly to have me removed as her POA. I told her fine; the job sucks anyway. (I have no idea whether she can actually remove me or not. My attorney said that because the trust is irrevokeable (Sp.) and now that my father has passed, the terms of the trust cannot be altered. Honestly, I don't know whether she can replace me as POA or not, but I could assure her if she would only listen, that no one could conserve her assets or manage her medical care as assiduously as myself. She thinks I'm the devils bride.


I have tried everything suggested on this forum: redirection, distraction, pacifying her, telling "fiblets", hugs, returning love for cruelty, taking her on pleasurable outings of her choice and surprise outings planned by my self. I have provided her things the other mc residents don't have: petty cash, a telephone, fun gifts and cards in the mail, etc. I asked her neurologist for meds that might calm her anger, depression and anxiety, but he only increased her Aricept which did nothing but give her unpleasant side effects.


My plan of action is to get mom to a psychiatrist who will address her aforementioned issues, hopefully with meds. I will no longer call her or make visits, but take her to her Dr. appoints only. No more outings to restaurants, walks, museums, exhibitions, shopping, gifts, or cards. Nothing, nada. When she starts abusing the phone and cash (which I expect she'll do soon) they will be withdrawn, too. She is a self-absorbed, ungrateful wretch. I have done all I can; my conscience is clear. My sister fully supports me stepping back to preserve my own emotional and physical health (I'm a senior myself and have my own issues exacerbated by stress). My sister has already backed off herself for the same reason.


If Momzilla cannot be civil when I escort her to her doctor appointments Sis and I have agreed to utilize some of her money for a hired caretaker to take her to and from her Doctor appointments, and we'll see how she likes that. I have no desire to "get even" with Mom for her cruelty. I know that part of it is dementia, but the other part is a component of her personality that has always been there. I will make sure she is cared for properly and all her needs are met. I have total confidence in the m.c. staff where she lives and maintain a good relationship with them.


Mom, the joys and distractions I tried to provide are over. The phone calls, cards, gifts, personal shopping, and pleasure jaunts are done. I leave you now to your wretchedness. As for myself, I'll seek joy and happiness, and think only on those things that are true, noble, right, and pure; whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—and think on those things.


Your daughter

Answers 1 to 6 of 6
Dear Amber,

I'm very sorry to hear what you have been through. It is clear you have been very dutiful and responsible daughter. You have tried your best over and over again. It is overwhelming and exhausting. We as the adult children think we can fix our parents and their situations but sometimes it does feel hopeless when we are met with anger.

I am glad you are taking steps to protect your own physical and mental well being. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know many of us can relate. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
BIG hugs to you, Amber. How draining. It's definitely time to save yourself.

You are keeping tabs on important things remotely. Therefore you are still caregiving. You needed to reset boundaries and that's that.

Oh, the mix of old personality plus new personality. It's sad and maddening and heartbreaking.

Keeping your distance from the static will help you heal. Seek positive, gratifying experiences to help yourself recharge. Take care. 
Top Answer
CDN Reader and BlackHole, thank you so much for your encouragement. I am still in a dark place but starting to feel better, now that I've recognized Mom is broken beyond repair and always was. My life has value. My energy, health and happiness are not commodities for Mom to consume. I am a good daughter. Thanks to everyone here who have brought me to a better understanding. Hugs.
Hugs AmberA
...I'm trying to be like you
AmberA, I always remind myself the difference between victIM and victOR are 4 letters. OR is the choice. I'M (forgive lack of punctuation) the one who makes it. You have chosen to leave the role of victim for your best life. Go, you!
Care-giving so far has been life's greatest challenge (for me, at least). Blessings and hugs to all who daily give and give and give. . . .

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