I have power of attorney for my mother. My sister who lives in another state wants me to provide a ledger to her of how I'm spending my mother's social security. Does she have say in how that money is being spent?

Bloom, I think your sister's actions might technically be considered illegal since she's holding your mother against her will.

You might be able to get a temporary restraining order forcing your sister to release your mother, return her, and refrain from contacting her. You'd need an attorney for that though.

Call APS and see what they can do. But if your mother has dementia, alert them, as your mother may be afraid or unable to be candid when they investigate.

Yeah, I told me absent brother to come here. We can sit down, talk about all of it. AND, I would leave him for a couple days and take some much needed time off.

Funny...you know...he isn't returning my calls. Hummmm? Think he doesn't want to see that accounting so much after all?

bjbloom, they can fool her into signing a POA, without you knowing, but they cannot get guardianship in court if you appear and object to it. Get a lawyer.

Bjboom,
no one can appoint a new POA but your mother, it is not transferable. If I were you I would call APS where your mother is residing now, give them the details of your situation and ask that they check on your mother. Make sure they understand that you have POA and are being denied contact and that she is being left unsupervised during the day. You might also want to meet with a lawyer to discuss obtaining guardianship of your mother, hopefully it will not come to that.

I have POA for my mother. No help from either of my two sisters. I have provided all care for over 3 years. My younger sister wanted to take mother to visit grandchildren. I gave her clothes, meds, and money for mother's trip. Now she won't let my mother come back home. She wants my mother's bank account, and wants me to add her to the POA. My mother calls me and begs to come home. She keeps asking when am I coming to get her. My sister has told me not to trespass on her property ever again. No one is home with my mother all day while they are working but they feel satisfied because they installed a camera (at my mother's expense). My mother has severe Dementia and has fallen a few times lately. Can they take my POA away without me knowing? Can I get my mother back legally?

well i think its best if you provide sny info csause in the log run you will get bite and i wont be nice, trust me i know

For your own protection you might want to keep a ledger especially if NH is in the future because medicaide will demand an accounting but otherwise I do not think you need to but if you can show numbers it might be better for you-if you do not want to do it and medicaide is not involves sthem.

Any sibling has the right to know accountability for any assets and money. It does not matter who is giving care or driving to doctors etc... It is not up to any one sibling to make these decisions. In my situation my sisters were took control and made all the decisions. They asked after they did things. When asked for statements they accused me of calling them crooks. Well let's put he shoe on the other foot. What's funny is I do not want a dime. Just pictures etc... It is your responsibility to provide accountability for anything.

Dag I don't know where to start after reading all these posts I by default have my mom too she's been living with my Aunt and I think my Aunt is tired of her because everyday she calls me needing for me to drop everything and pick my mom up. I work everyday and when that happens I have to take time off until my aunt decides when I can bring her back. My aunt does not live in my same state. I have five other sibling in another state one comes down as much as possible they are all fourteen hours away. One comes down every blue moon, one has asked to keep her but I believe she has some kind of substance abuse problem and the rest don't care. I have looked into personal care homes but I am really starting to feel like I can't go through with it. She's in stage 6 I guess of the disease she forgets who we are but she doesn't say it u can just tell she has a confused face. I just don't know what to do. Any advice and prayer would be helpful.

I also am POA and my siblings wanted to see where the money went and put in in their names also. I got a lawyer and he told me it is AGAINST the law to put it in their names, its my Moms money! And no, we do not have to tell them a thing, you are taking care of your Mother with her money and the sibling do not have any rights until your mom passes away. At that time you do have to have an account for all you spent and on what, keep all recipets. We did ours online.

As power of attorney you have no obligation to tell your sister what you have done. HOWEVER, she can have you account for your spending. It is your obligation to do the right thing, not her's. Do not listen to those who tell you to basically flip her off. She can come back to haunt you. Good luck

If you do want to do a ledger.....put in the debit column about $7,000.00 a month due to you for being her private nurse and nursing home. That will get her going.

If you have Durable Power of Atttorney I don't think she has a leg to stand on.
Your mom appointed YOU and your sibs have no business. They are not POA.

What I did upon becoming POA - was to open a checking account in Mom's name, my name and the names of my two siblings held JOINTLY. They were given the password so they could go online anytime to monitor my expenditures on behalf on Mom.

In 6 yrs of caregiving, neither sibling called or visited their mother, despite repeated invitations, nor did they respond when I sent them word of any major expenditures (new windows, furnance). Even when she was actively dying they did not.

They did come to the funeral, though they did not engage with me past hello, and two weeks later, when I told them (all this via email) how much money was left, they started jumping up and down about why there wasn't MORE.

One refered to a CD he had seen 20 years ago - another asked for a complete accounting of the last 6 yrs of caregiving. I told him - in the most pleasant of ways - to go *&^%% himself. The info has been right there in our joint bank account all along, and I will not spemnd a moment preparing an accounting to them unless ordered by a court to do so. I am ashamed they are related to me.

While no accounting to your sister for money is reguired, a POA can be audited by the courts for an accounting of how the money was spent. Do yourself a favor and make sure everyone concerned is kept up to date on funds. This is for your protection. If your sister is giving you trouble now, just think what she could do tomorrow.

You are kind to take care of your Mom and even though you would like to tell your sister to take a hike, you shouldn't. In the end, you will have the peace of mind you did the right thing and the money will be all accounted for.

I like the "openess idea". Secrets breed hostilities. If that is what you want continue doing what you are doing. As DPOA you have responsiblities to use this money only for your Mom. Any sibling can ask for an accounting. Just be open and save yourself any trouble in the future.

I'd tell your sister to get bent. I am in a similar situation and my time and effort is worth way more money than the tiny check that comes in from SS. If your sister has a problem with it, let her take care of your mother. The nerve of some people! That money is to take care of your mom, exactly what you are doing. It makes me so angry to even read this, being in the same situation as you are. I DARE ANYONE in my family to ask me the same question, and they have no right to unless they are willing to step up and help because caregiving consumes your whole life regardless of how much or really little money is coming in for the expenses. Good luck to you.

Jnlhouck ...
I know this is an old thread, but I'd like to point out two things, here.
1) As the caregiver and person holding the DPOA, you have a responsibility to show that you are spending this money to the benefit of the one being cared for. If there are "grey" areas (i.e. household expenses, etc.) that seem to be covering more than just her personal care, try making out a list of what you do, what you provide, how many hours you contribute to your mom's care. Set up a budget that shows your monthly expenses, and be sure to list a reasonable "charge" for your service.

2) No, your sister doesn't have the right to make you give her this information, but if you were abusing the 'caregiver' relationship, she'd be within her rights to call you on it. She cares - you can prove yourself to her or not, but in the end, you DO know if you aren't doing it right. If you have to justify any expense to yourself, that's a red flag.

Another way to do this is to set up a separate account for your mom and her income - set up her bills on an autopay system, so that you will not always have to withdraw cash or checks, and document eveything. Make copies of all medical bills, prescriptions, etc. Don't just assume that it's okay to spend her money, even if it benefits her. If you are spending $600/month in groceries but your mom only eats cereal ... something is screwy. Is her money supporting you and your family? Do you have your own income?

I believe your sister has a right to see what you are doing, if only to assure herself that you are not abusing the power. What would you do in your sister's place?

That said, I also realize that family members are not always rational in their accusations. So, be the grown-up. Own up to your responsibility in this - you don't HAVE to jump through her hoops, but validating your expenses won't harm you, unless your sister is right.
~FyreFly

I would keep records for my protection if I were you. Then I would ignor your sister.

Actually it's the 'love' of money that is the root of all evil. Money in and of itself isn't the problem.
When I first started taking care of my mother-in-law's finances, the bank suggest that the check book have a carbon attached to every check, so every time I write a check for her expenses, there is a copy for any family member that might want to see it. Also paying her bills online and having the other brothers have access to that account was one of my better ideas. I'm seeing a trend here, that when things are 'above board' everything is good and everyone seems to get along. BUT when there's something shady going on with the mom/dads finances, then there's nothing but turmoil, suspicion, trouble and hurt feelings.

Deefer12
Ditto, I agree completely. Since when do our parents owe us an inheritence? Should there is money left, why should the non caregivers reep the benefits of it. My Dad certainly wouldnt have wanted his loving wife to be put in a nursing home so that the children take the money. Of course he wanted to leave money to his children, but he always asked to please "take care of Mom" first.

I have to say this! The majority of us are not in this for the money! Most of us had hard working parents that didn't expect to end up like this. Whatever money is left, should go to their care and comfort. I don't think any of us have the right to expect an inheritance if it is needed for their care. They worked hard so that they could have a comfortable end to their lives. It is their money not ours and should be used as such.
But I also feel that we as caregivers need compensation just to be able to survive. Most of us have given up our jobs and yes, what should be the best part of our lives, to care for someone. if you have siblings that do not help, but are hovering for their share, then maybe they should put in their share of care giving too!
Unfortunately, there are also the bad care givers that take advantage of their charges. Shame on them! But there are ways to deal with them also.
It's high time our country realizes that families are struggling with the all too real problems of caring for our elderly. My hope would be that some form of aid could be available for all struggling caregivers, someday.
In the meantime, everybody hang in there and take care!

You do not have to tell her anything tell her not to get her blommers in a bunch if you want to keep account for yourself that is fine do not tell her a thing where is she when you need a break counting her money-you have POA for a reason your Mom trust you,

Don't know of anything that states that you owe your sister an accounting of your mom's funds. If you are the Representative Payee for your mother's Social Security, you are supposed to be tracking where the money is being spent. Not sure of what obligations you have for being power of atty. It's always best to keep track of how someone else's money is being spent just in case. As stated above you don't owe your sister anything but sometines it's good to keep the peace. If you have nothing to hide and you show her you are being responsible then maybe she will back off.

HI Deefer12, I think thats great and I hope you take at least 8 hours a day, I take 10 on the weekends but do more and am up at night, etc.
If you and your sis who is the POA ever have an argument (and dont say never) they could accuse you of taking Moms money. Get it in writing ok?

I agree with lovmom! I'm 1 of 7 and am the only one caring for Mom. My younger sister is POA, and adds cash to Mom's account when I need it. I'm sure at least 2 of them will want to know where all the money went when Mom is gone, so I'm keeping receipts. Personally, if there is nothing left for the absentee siblings, I'm all for it! They can't even call once a month to see how Mom is doing, and they all but one live less than an hour from Mom. They don't deserve a dime. Besides, they have already borrowed enough from her over the years, and did not pay it back. They are all well off and have homes and nice cars, which they were able to afford because of years borrowing from Mom. I think they already got their share!
Definitely get a fee for all you are doing! You deserve it!

Power or Attorney? If YOU are the POA or DPOA, you have a perfect solution. You have a lawyer draw up a "caregivers contract." If your parent is not competent, you, as the POA sign it. Have it state that You will get $15 an hour for 8 hours a day, (or whatever you think is fair), regardless of other help, daycare, or whatever help you have. You, as the Primary Caregiver is entitled to be paid from your parent. Remember, its not taking money from your parent, its taking money for what YOU deserve for taking care of them, AND its taking money away from the siblings inheritence in which they do not deserve for not doing anything. As for them asking for how things are spent. Keep your OWN records and you do not have to show them anything unless your parent dies and you then get a lawyer. Keep all receipts and only spend the money on your parent until you get the caregivers contract, then you get paid legally. Even if you get $5,000 a month, its 1/2 the cost of a nursing home!

I have a sister who cares for my mother. She also helps herself to all of her money. Of course she is taking care of mom. That is her lifeline. My father died a few yrs ago. My sister stole all of his savings when he got sick.She even admitted to it. Said most of it went to the lottery. Had his atm card on her all the time. Would right checks to herself and sign my fathers name. A little over a year ago she talked my mother into taking a reverse mortgage. My sister was in charge of everything. Me, my other sister and brother had no say in anything. She took the max. that the bank would give for the house. $242,000.00. My mother never comprehended what she did. She always says she has no money. She really thinks she has no money. While my sister now has my mothers atm card and her check book. Drives through the atm. Takes what she wants. Money for beer, lottery. What ever she wants. Oh..and she collects an SSI check every month and food stamps. She is living quite well over with my mother. I no longer speak to my family. I am mad that my mother is allowing this. I have tried to tell her what is going on. She just keeps saying that its not her money she is spending because she doesn't have any. Wow!! I wrote my sister a nasty email telling her what I thought of her. Told her I will see her in court someday for taking what should of been mine someday. My father worked hard all his life. Most of it working 2 jobs all the time. I know he would of wanted all of his kids to get something someday. If he was still here none of this would be going on. Yes..there is a reason my sister takes good care of my mother. The reason is money. I really hope something bad happens to my sister. I hater her so much!

SOMETIMES U MAY BE LIABLE BUT WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE AND THEY FIND OUT THE TRUTH WELL LETS JUST SAY GOD WAS ON MY SIDE AND THE SUIT IS OFF OF ME MY FAMILY HAD IT REMOVED BUT YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM THEY DID WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS RIGHT AND COME TO FIND OUT I WASN'T THE ONE SPENDING THE MONEY ..I TOOK CARE OF MY FATHER TO THE END

Me123, I'm one of 7 and am solely charged with the 24/7 care of Mom, and pay all her bills, etc. Two of my siblings think I should put her away, because they think I am spending all of her money. The others don't care about the money and are glad I am keeping her home for as long as I can. Unfortunately, none of them ever call just to see how she is doing, or to ask if I need help. I have to pay someone to sit with her just so my husband and I can get out on the weekend. As I have found with most families, the care always falls on one person's shoulders, while the rest go on with their lives! I stopped calling them to give them updates on Mom's health. I figure if they really want to know, they'll call me, but they don't.
I'm not saying this is you. If you are so worried about your parents care, why don't you contact elder services in their area and ask for help. There is no legal reason why you shouldn't be privy to your own parents health conditions. If you feel that strongly about what your sister is or isn't doing for them, you need to step up and do something.
If your niece is a lawyer, she is probably providing legal documents to the facility your parents are in, as to who can be given information on their conditions. The question is, are these really legal, or something she drew up to keep you away. As for your sister, she had better be keeping a record of how their money is being spent. When it runs out, the state will ask for an accounting of the last 3 years and if she doesn't have receipts, she will be liable to pay it back.
My advice is to seek legal help to be able to be a part of your parents well being. Good luck!