I do all the work and have no legal power. Is this fair?

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I care for my 91 yr. old invalid mom 24/7, but my siblings do not think I should have any say so concerning their health care. I am not power of attorney, health care surrogate, and my name is not on their bank account. My older brothers have all the power and I do all the work. Is this fair?

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Wow! No, it's not fair. Does she live with you?
I would say no, it is not fair, however it seems to be rather common. I would say just do what you feel you should, and hang in there.
How long has this been the situation? When did you start full care of your mother? Are you being paid for your expenses? Does your mother live with you? This situation is not fair but will continue if you don't do something because clearly your brothers will not do anything.
Tell your brothers that responsibility and work go along with having POA which means they are freeloading off of you by using you.

Is your mother of sound mind to understand what is going on? Would she be willing to reverse her previous agreement for your older brothers to have POA? Have you seen the actual written POA?
Your situation sounds very unfair, careformom, and tends to make my blood want to boil. So I'm taking a few deep breaths.... ah, that's better. In my opinion, Elizza asked some good questions and I will be interested in reading the answers to them. I would like to ask you, careformom, if your mother is still sound of mind. If she is, perhaps (?) you could explain to her how unfair the situation is for you and how you can't do what you think is best for HER with the brothers having all the power. Tell her you need the LEGAL authority to do what is best for her. Doesn't she trust that you have the mental ability to handle the legal end of things? I am wondering if you are married. If so, how does your husband feel about you doing all the work and the brothers having all the power? I think it is good that your door has been open to caring for your mom but I don't think this means you have to be the doormat too. Please keep the community posted as to how you are dealing with the brothers.
Sounds like my sister. She was the POA and was drugging my mother. I picked up my mother took her to a hospital and got her medical attention and bladder infection taken care of. When she got out of the hospital I took her home with me and consulted an attoney and I am now her conservator. My sister is mad at me because she said I was suspose to take care of mother and she was suspose to take care of Mothers money. My sister said she needed mothers money to pay off her credit cards (my sisters credit cards) Isn't that funny??? You just have
to laugh.
careformom, no no no, that is not fair in the least bit. Being your moms primary caregiver, you should have a say with respect to her health care. Your brothers need to understand that by keeping you out of the loop, so to say, can be potentially dangerous for your moms health. What are you to do if there is an emergency decision to be made, waste time calling your brothers for an answer?
Is there any way that you can talk with your brothers and your mom to have this situation rectified in your favour?
I would consult an Elder lawyer and have the bill sent to your brothers since they have POA which your mother had to have given them when she was of sound mind and I would have a meeting with those jerks and give them a schedual of times you will care her and let them take over her care since they have POA they have to have her wishes in writing and if you are caring for her and a decision had to be made about life support you have no way of knowing her wishes so you should not be her main caregiver and since they will inherit her assests if she has any and she must for them to be so quick to be POA they are then responsible for her bills. Most office of the ageing have lawyers who give their time freely to assist those who need help and there is no charge to you. I would be firm because caregiving can go on like forever they are using you because they can-if they have to have daily responsibity of her care they will level the playing field very quickly.
careformom~you have received some great advise, i would say...and I do agree as your Mom's primary caregiver, you have to be in the loop-and possibly be given POA for her health. If you cannot get things resolved-I would take this one step further, and contact a senior agency in your local for some direction. Why are your family members trying to fight you on this?
Top Answer
It is typical for the generation of our parents that the females in the family have the responsibility for caring for the needs of the family without very much authority. The realities of taking care of our loved ones is far more work than anyone who has not done it can imagine. I am assuming that your brothers are doing a decent job with the information they have.... the problem is, they probably don't have the intimate knowledge that you have. I hope that there is a provision of payment for your time and loving attention. Perhaps, you can fill out regular reports to them on issues you think they should be aware of. Family communication is difficult sometimes, but by putting it in writing and keeping a copy, you can also give pertinent information to the Dr when you feel it is needed. If you feel that your brothers are not acting in the best interest of your mother... then keeping copies of the letters you send to your brothers can also be used to submit to a judge at a future date, should you have to take it to that extreme. Just remember that the decisions to have your brothers take care of the paperwork does not mean they loved or trusted you less... it is typically a reflection of the generation they came from.

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