How will we handle Mom's dementia-related anger when we sell her home to fund her assisted living apartment?

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After 3 years of allowing Mom to live independently with some in-home care and LOTS of care from me (daughter) and her neighbors she has moved into a lovely assisted living facility. She has adjusted well but still thinks she will return to her house when she is "better." Her dementia has progressed markedly over the past 6 months. She still knows that her house is HER HOUSE and she missed it and her neighborhood (she lived there 13 years) though she is only 3 miles away.
It is necesary for us to sell her house to pay for the assisted living facility. In the same conversation she tells me the realtor she would like to handle the sale and five minutes later says she will "get better" and come home to live there "soon."

Any suggestions on how to handle her once the house is actually sold? Guilt-ridden daughter looking for any help at all.

Answers 1 to 10 of 23
I've sold and not told, and no matter how many people tell me it was "the right thing" I still feel awful about it. Sorry no help just sympathy! Hoping others will have and share more insight...thanks...
I am in the exact same position!! We moved my Mother in assisted living in October and she still asks about going home and that she "is better now". We have sold her car and she still thinks she will "get her license back" and drive when she "gets out". I do hope others respond that have been through this!
I have talked to several residents at my Dad's senior home who tell me that they still own "their house". This must be a relatively common situation....
This is an interesting thread and I'm looking forward to what others say.

Seems like the smart thing to do, but I can see how a lot of mixed emotions would go with the decision to sell.

My mom kept saying "when I get better" too but I think she realizes she just won't. She said she is going to bring her queen-size bed back in her room too.....yeah right.

I don't see anything wrong with selling the house because they don't need all that xtra worry that goes along with the upkeep. I have always said they need peace.
Top Answer
One minute she tells us and everyone within ear shot that she is giving the house to us, next minute she says she's called a realtor to sell her house... sad thing is, as dpoa effective, her house is already renter with possible option to buy. I must agree with 'sell but did not tell'. I find that if you simply gently agree with them during their moments' musing, whatever the crazy idea she has at the moment will pass and you won't have agitated, irritated or hurt her feelings. .. just softly tread and do your business without doling out details to her. I continually am amazed at her overestimation of her abilities and underestimation of her inabilities. It is troubling how much upheaval there is when she has a phone in her hand. ..also loved the one about the queen size bed. Seems that you and I are dealing with nearly the same issues - our loved ones are experiencing the most painful operation of all: having their wings clipped.
Peace love tranquility education clean air pure water and strong coffee.
This is somewhat on the subject, and somewhat not. We brought my hubby's mom over to our town-she lived 5 hours away and we could not keep an eye on her there. She had been living with all three children off and on, but had decided to go home and live alone, again. She had a disasterous episode and ended up with my daughter who has two babies. Her dementia or delirium overwhelmed all of them and we simply went and got her and placed her in a retirement home. Of course, her other children went ballistic, how dare we do this? Of course, their daughter was not the responsible person and they refused to believe mom was that bad. None of the other children could "get away" to help, so we did what we needed to do. My hubbys sister went crazy-without even visiting her mother, she promised her mother that she would take her home.
Of course that was nearly a month and a half ago. She finally had some pretty ugly interactions with grandma on the phone-5-6 phone calls to her place of employment, screaming, out of control anger, demanding she be taken home.
We, of course, are taxed with the day to day mangement of an angry, resentful dementia patient who cannot care for herself and even forgets what day it is and how long she has been with us. She is out of control-always. She has hit and pinched my husband, and cannot even hold a peacable conversation. We have tried to see her every other day, but all she will talk about is "getting out of this place", never anything else. Yes, we have taken her to the Dr. and she is on medication for depression and memory loss.
The other sibling write us emails-but do not visit. However, the daughter still is telling her mother that she will arrange to take her home...soon. So the anger never ends. We have decided to try not visiting so often. We are emotionally drained. We do not have guilt, because we cannot expect a granddaughter to care for her grandmother-and we will not allow my husband's siblings to expect this scenario either.
This is such a common situation. My mother, now deceased, told me once of how she, at one time, had had to sell her father's car "behind his back." Then twenty-five years later, she and her husband ( my parents) found themselves in THEIR golden years, and then it fell to me to get Dad to stop driving, convince them they needed to move from their home to assisted living, etc. etc. The cycle continues with each generation. We all do the best we can at the time, guided by our love for our parents. I trust my children will treat me the same way when my time comes......
In dealing with individuals who have dementia or Alzheimer it is important to not lie to them because it damages the relationship and trust. In their fragile state they are scared and frightened and need validation of their emotions. They may understand logically they need to sell their home or they can not live independently but emotionally they can't deal. For their sake you need to forget the guilt and step back to figure out what they trying to express emotionally but can not due to the dementia or Alzheimer express it. Naomi Feil has written a book on Validation which I suggest to understand the the technique. Redirection is another method of assisting with individuals who have memory impairment. Communicating with your loved one changes when dementia and Alzheimer's attacks.
I don't know which is more sad - Trying to get better so you can go back to your house or giving up hope and not mentioning it anymore.

Has abyone kept their parents in their home and hired a live-in to care for them? My brothers and I are trying to make the best decisions for my parents with Dementia and other health concerns.

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