How long will my mom hate being in a nursing home for?

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We just got my mother into a nursing home. She has diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, and just had cyber knife surgery for lung cancer. She cannot and will not take care of herself, ie taking her meds and insulin and following a diabetic diet. She has developed dementia from all the combined problems.

She is very unhappy about the home, even though it is a beautiful place, one of the highest rated in our area. We have a family member already there who loves it. Mom keeps berating me, trying to guilt trip me, and saying if we don't take her out, she'll go out feet first. It has only been two days so far, but she has gotten worse if anything, attitude wise.

Is this normal behavior? Can we expect her to get through the grief and anger and recognize that we're doing the utmost best we can for her? How long can we expect this attitude to last? Is there anything we can do to make the transition easier? Should I tell her that if she continues the abusive behavior, I won't come see her? I am at a loss what to do. It is tearing me up to hear her say these things, although logically I know it is the best thing for her. My wife and I are the only family members who have even tried to take care of her in our home, to no success; we both have serious health issues ourselves.

Can we expect this abuse to continue, or will she eventually understand it's for her own good?

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Your doing all the right stuff. Your mom is a lucky lady. But ya know how it goes with dementia, no good deed goes unpunished.
Cruise around this forum. We ain’t alone by a long shot..
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Thank you Golden! I’ve had the same experience as Windy, mom being a jerk half the time and demented but not stupid! Sometimes when talking to her I forget she’s demented until she says something that blows my
mind. I have put my big girl panties on...I thought I was adulting pretty good at 34 & then bam...way more adulting than I have cared to experience! Yes I feel guilty using my POA to spend down her money on a lawyer, prepaid funeral, and nursing home fees prior to Medicaid but that is the process I am in now and it is what i have to do to keep her safe. The alternatives just don’t sit well with me no matter how I wish I could spin it.
Windy, i did the same for my mom...had the emergency call button that she never wore around her neck, registered her with the police department so they could get into the house for emergencies, I called every night, had people do wellness checks on her, sent Shoprite from home so she had food, arranged her doctors appointments and got in home
Nurse & PT and in the end it wasn’t enough. The support from so many people going through the same things is amazing because a lot of my friends have parents that aren’t as old as mine were so they have no idea...and I never wish them to have to go through it
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Yup - mother had a delusion that there was poison gas coming out of the air vents in the ceiling, so she went and stood by the nurses station, because she knew they wouldn't try to poison the nurses. You gotta admire them in a way, and laugh in another way, and cry in yet another.

This may be a good read for you right now. The fight is nearly out of mother, as the vascular dementia as robbed her of so much, but her organs and appetite are still strong, so she survives.

"Old age should burn and rave at close of day," could have been referring to Alz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not go gentle into that good night - Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Yeah Golden, that’s my mom, demented but not stupid. Tough combination. She’s still got it together enough to be a total p....s pot about half the time.
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(((((erica)))) and ((((windy)))))
the time comes when the choices aren't great, but we have to put our big girl/guy panties on and deal with it. I know it isn't easy. I agonized about priorities when mother first went into the geri psych hospital, and whether or not to endorse them trying to give her antipsychotics surreptitiously. I might not have bothered as she figured out what they were doing, and refused her juice or applesauce or whatever. She was demented, but not stupid. She spent a pretty unhappy near year there, and, finally, after some particularly scary delusions, agreed to being given the antipsychotic. Things went much better after that.
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Oh my Erika , we’ve got the same gig going on!

My sweet nephew, parents grandson, has been with my folks for 2 days, bringing them frostys from Wendy’s, pizza from their fav local joint, and worrying himself sick about their state of affairs.

We had a long phone chat, I’m trying to get him to understand how dementia works. He thought he had mom all set with her call button/pedant. Explained it to her etc. Poor kid leaves for 2 minutes, comes back, mom has fallen, again......Never thought to hit her button. 

This just goes one way and it’s not good. But it’s better than my folks being in a filthy old house living on cereal and dying on the bathroom floor. That sounds awful, I know, but that’s what we were facing.

I think my nephew is coming around a little. He’s had some good talks with the staff folks there. They are the best.
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Windy, I understand completely. I literally just got off the phone because my mom had the nurse call me because she wants to go home. She tells me she feels fine, i tell her doctors won’t send her home because she isn’t safe and the usual question is “why” even though we been over it again and again. I too am far away, I’m in Canada while my mother is still in NJ!
Today for the first time she was more orientated and started telling her stuff she was saying and she seemed stunned and that there might actually be a problem. I cried, i felt like i was actually talking to my real mom, not the confused person my moms become. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with her she’s not a easy person.
Like you said Windy...she’s unhappy but she’s safe, fed, taken care of and if something happens we will be notified! We are all doing the best we can, as heart wrenching as it is
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You did good, Windy.
She may come around, it is still too soon to tell.
Lead the conversations with "the doctors said."
Sorry this is a different kind of hard right now. It must hurt to hear that from your Mom.

When my son's wife was delivering their first baby, both she and her Mom were heard to say to my son: "You did this to me!" ; "You did this to her!".

These are just things people say, often.
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Yes old thread but very pertinent to my situation

Both my parents went into care one month ago. Dad has advanced dementia, sometimes thinks he’s visiting mom in a hospital, or thinks he’s in a fancy resort. Mom is confused but knows she’s not home and I tricked her into this prison.

I’m long distance and tried to call and talk with her but have pretty much given up. Same conversation each time: Mom you had some bad falls, you can’t get around any more and keep track of Dad. IM FINE. JUST NEEDED TO REST. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!

This is probably where it will end for me and mom. I’m getting used to it. But I know she’s fed, warm, clean, safe and cared for whether she likes it or not. I’ll settle for that .
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I know this question is from 8 years ago but I’m going through this today in 2018! My mom hates me for placing her in there. The conversation is the same telling me to send someone to get her out when i tell her no and she can’t come home she doesn’t understand and refuses to see she is unable to take care of herself & her health conditions and is a huge fall risk. Not to mention there is dementia that has set in or excelerated from her brain bleed from her last fall! She’s talked about getting a bus home but doubt she has the mental and physical capabilities to pull it off. I get guilt tripped every call and end up 2nd guessing everything I’m doing even though I know in my head and with my Medical training she is exactly where she needs to be! Wish the heart could catch up with the brain! I hope one day it gets better and our relationship can be better again but as others have said...we are doing what we have to do to keep them safe, they may not see it or believe it but what are the alternatives? Those are scarier for me then her being mad at me.
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