How long will my mom hate being in a nursing home for?

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We just got my mother into a nursing home. She has diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, and just had cyber knife surgery for lung cancer. She cannot and will not take care of herself, ie taking her meds and insulin and following a diabetic diet. She has developed dementia from all the combined problems.

She is very unhappy about the home, even though it is a beautiful place, one of the highest rated in our area. We have a family member already there who loves it. Mom keeps berating me, trying to guilt trip me, and saying if we don't take her out, she'll go out feet first. It has only been two days so far, but she has gotten worse if anything, attitude wise.

Is this normal behavior? Can we expect her to get through the grief and anger and recognize that we're doing the utmost best we can for her? How long can we expect this attitude to last? Is there anything we can do to make the transition easier? Should I tell her that if she continues the abusive behavior, I won't come see her? I am at a loss what to do. It is tearing me up to hear her say these things, although logically I know it is the best thing for her. My wife and I are the only family members who have even tried to take care of her in our home, to no success; we both have serious health issues ourselves.

Can we expect this abuse to continue, or will she eventually understand it's for her own good?

Answers 1 to 10 of 16
Alixcase, She might never understand or appreciate what it is that you tried to do for her and are now doing. You know that this is what's best for her and yourselves. Nursing homes and assisted living facilities have so much to offer these days! Try talking to the staff and see if you can't join her in an activity or 2 for awhile. Not going to see her MIGHT make the feeling of being "abandoned" more intense for her? Once she starts getting into the swing of things, you also might want to think about taking her for outtings every once in a while(if it's possible for you).
Wow, there is no easy answer to that one. The question you are asking is completely dependant on her personality, how she feels physically and how it is handled by the facility and family.

It has to be very hard to experience someone's unhappiness with a situation, but you can only manage your reactions to her feelings. Figure out the kindest way to work through her feelings and don't beat yourself up. I can say that it should not be a contest of wills, or cause you to break off ties with her. If it is heading in that direction then the staff members at that home need to step up and work with her, and you to make the transition less emotional. You've said it is a first-class facility, so they must be experienced at helping ease transitions.

Do as much as you can and work with the staff. People on this site can share their own stories, but one truth all of us know is that every situation is completely different so all we can do is the best we can while remembering to be kind to ourselves and them.
Top Answer
Guilt trips are the hardest burden for this caregiver to bear.
I agree with the poster above: manage your response. In your heart of hearts you know this is the best for her. Cling to that. My response is to just be firm: "this is the way it has to be. I can no longer care for you the way you need to be cared for. I know you are unhappy. So am I, but when you talk that way, you hurt my feelings." etc. Just remember, most of what she is saying is the dementia talking, not her true self. It has been a year and a half since we put our mother in a care facility. She still gives us guilt trips, still says no one is good to her, still says we just threw her away, still says we wanted to get rid of her, and on and on. What keeps me sane? Knowing that she said the very same things when I was staying with her in her home. I have to pray a lot and ask for peace of mind. God's strength gets me through tough times. I can't say that it will get better. But a positive attitude and setting aside the guilty feelings will help you cope. And that is the most important thing now. She has other caregivers. It is time to take care of yourself.
My dad went into a home (a great home our number 1 pick :-)) He doesn't know he has dementia. He is very active and strong but confused. The locked unit he is on has had to make a ton of adjustments themselves but are great. My dad wants to go home. He is dangerous at home (has left a stove on. Turned on a wrong burner) His wife has had to install inside chain locks because he wanders. Her social activities have gone to none because of his worsening confusion. He needs to be where he is but I don't think any of them like it. The guilt is tough. But crying is the most healing thing and helps to release the pain. God helps me a lot.
You've had some great responses. My input, you know it is best for her to be there. There was a time that it was HER that determined what was best for you. It is your turn now, it sucks and it hurts. Speaking from personal experience. Stay strong and stay involved..let that nursing home see that you or others can show up anytime. On that, it is the law, regardless of "visiting hours" they CANNOT deny you IMMMEDIATE access to her. Wishing you the best, Ray
I feel your pain. I am at the in-home caregiver stage and go back to work on Monday. the guilt is huge, but so is my depression and anxiety. I am thinking that I am not cut out to sit and watch my mom sleep, etc Argghh
I know this question is from 8 years ago but I’m going through this today in 2018! My mom hates me for placing her in there. The conversation is the same telling me to send someone to get her out when i tell her no and she can’t come home she doesn’t understand and refuses to see she is unable to take care of herself & her health conditions and is a huge fall risk. Not to mention there is dementia that has set in or excelerated from her brain bleed from her last fall! She’s talked about getting a bus home but doubt she has the mental and physical capabilities to pull it off. I get guilt tripped every call and end up 2nd guessing everything I’m doing even though I know in my head and with my Medical training she is exactly where she needs to be! Wish the heart could catch up with the brain! I hope one day it gets better and our relationship can be better again but as others have said...we are doing what we have to do to keep them safe, they may not see it or believe it but what are the alternatives? Those are scarier for me then her being mad at me.
Yes old thread but very pertinent to my situation

Both my parents went into care one month ago. Dad has advanced dementia, sometimes thinks he’s visiting mom in a hospital, or thinks he’s in a fancy resort. Mom is confused but knows she’s not home and I tricked her into this prison.

I’m long distance and tried to call and talk with her but have pretty much given up. Same conversation each time: Mom you had some bad falls, you can’t get around any more and keep track of Dad. IM FINE. JUST NEEDED TO REST. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!

This is probably where it will end for me and mom. I’m getting used to it. But I know she’s fed, warm, clean, safe and cared for whether she likes it or not. I’ll settle for that .
You did good, Windy.
She may come around, it is still too soon to tell.
Lead the conversations with "the doctors said."
Sorry this is a different kind of hard right now. It must hurt to hear that from your Mom.

When my son's wife was delivering their first baby, both she and her Mom were heard to say to my son: "You did this to me!" ; "You did this to her!".

These are just things people say, often.
Windy, I understand completely. I literally just got off the phone because my mom had the nurse call me because she wants to go home. She tells me she feels fine, i tell her doctors won’t send her home because she isn’t safe and the usual question is “why” even though we been over it again and again. I too am far away, I’m in Canada while my mother is still in NJ!
Today for the first time she was more orientated and started telling her stuff she was saying and she seemed stunned and that there might actually be a problem. I cried, i felt like i was actually talking to my real mom, not the confused person my moms become. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with her she’s not a easy person.
Like you said Windy...she’s unhappy but she’s safe, fed, taken care of and if something happens we will be notified! We are all doing the best we can, as heart wrenching as it is

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