How do we get rid of an unstable family member living with our 86 year old mother?

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My brother moved in with my mother about 3 years ago after losing his house, job, etc. and has mooched off my other since. Mother is increasingly insecure and welcomes the company in exchange for countless examples of being used and emotionally abused by my brother. The other siblings had been faithfully and lovingly caring for Mother on a daily basis, with no expectations of compensation except for her love. Brother pays no rent, utilities, only some groceries, and cooks some meals. He had two jobs since moving in, both which (assumed) earn 6 figures. Still no payment of any kind.
Mother won't evict the mooch for fear of lonliness. The rest of us sibs visit daily and stay overnight, which we had been doing before. Mom was never alone at night. How do we get rid of the mooch and get our Mother back?
James T

Answers 1 to 5 of 5
I don't understand why mom keeps deadbeat brother around. If it's as you say because she's lonely, then how can that be when the rest of the family have been so attentive to her? It sounds like her every waking minute has been with all the rest of you, so why then does she need deadbeat? Is there something else going on here? Does she NEED someone to take care of? Does she feel guilty or whatever about this particular brother? I would think that logically speaking, when she's being attended to by the rest of the family, she wouldn't NEED him around all the time. I don't get it.
Is there a social services agency that you can contact for assistance? Is your mom on Medicare? Can you talk to the family doctor about having a visiting nurse visit? We talked to my mom's doctor about concerns over her living situation and he contacted Medicare who sent a visiting nurse. She made sure that the house was safe for mom. Now I am considering contacting an agency about my sister who is my mom's caregiver who also lives there for free, does minimal shopping and drives my mom to her weekly appts. My sister is constantly stressed and crying that she has lost her life to being a caregiver. I don't believe she is the best person to care for our mom. I believe that an agency needs to step in for both of our situations and make an unbiased decision that is for the best for the elder. When I have tried to step in and ask my sister for money, it became an insulting screaming tirade on her part as to how I am just trying to increase my own inheritance. By the way, I also have a 58 year old brother living with mom who didn't pay rent for the first 18 months until I brought it up. Both of my live in siblings complain about mom and have both told her that they need peace and quiet at night when they come home from work. Sometimes it is best to bring in a professional mediator. Let me know what you think.
Has Mom always enabled him or is this new? In my family neither my brother or I take advantage of Mom but my brother pays her very little attention. He lives 6 miles from her and I live in another state. She will whine and complain about being alone and my brother won't even change a light bulb for her, seriously. But God forbid you say anything about my brother. She turns on a dime and then it is your problem not his.He is the busiest working person in the world and the business he works for will close their doors if he is not there....please..In my family my brother is the Golden Child. He is entitled. He never takes anything from Mom, doesn't need it, but he is in "charge", and thinks he is the smart one who must make all the decisions. Until, of course, he needs help....whatever, If you Mom is being abused, call the authorities and report him. Have him removed. Don't let this continue just because she says she is lonely.
Top Answer
James, you don't say why your mother needs caregiving -- what her specific impairments are. Is she still in her right mind? If so, it is her house and she can make decisions about who lives there, wisely or unwisely.

We've glimpsed the situation from your perspective. It would be interesting to see it from your mother's viewpoint. Is your bother the child she has always worried most about, because she senses he is not completely all right? She may be sheltering him because it makes her feel useful and motherly. She may know about a heavy debt burden Brother is trying to climb out from under. She may see some mental illness in him. Unless Mother has dementia, I wouldn't discount the possibility that she has reasons for doing what she is doing. And unless she has dementia to the extent that a court would find her incompetent, she as a right to keep doing it whether she has good reasons or not.

If she is being abused, bring in the authorities. If she is competent and wishes to continue living this way, make peace with it.

So, unless he is truly abusive, you may not be able to get rid of the mooch.

The other part of the questions, how do you get your mother back, needs some explaining. In what way have you lost her? When you spend time with her or stay overnight, is she inattentive? Does she snub you? Refuse to interact with you? Talk about Brother nonstop? How have you lost her? If we knew that, someone might have some suggestions. And I think this is really the question worth working on.
Good stuff Jeanne.

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