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Caring for sick or elderly is difficult enought with out the dealing with them acting like a 3-5 year old. It sounds like you need to find someone to help. If his medicare won't pay for assistance care, try your local church or town adult day care,senior centers and visiting nurse in your town may be abel to help. You need a break, even if it means talk a short walk around the block. Hang in there you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
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Do you feel comfortable providing more details, like how long ago did you lose Mom, and what are Dad's depressive symptoms and what is his current iving and/or care situation?

Feeling mad at people for either dying or surviving someone is pretty common and normal, even though its not rational... no need to on feeling bad *about* feeling bad. Maybe there is some way to help your Dad feel better that will in turn help you too.
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May I ask why you feel hatred regarding his depression? I am trying to understand your motive for this hatred. Are you angry because you see it as a human weakness or something else?
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Are your feelings of hatred towards him because you were roped into to promising your mother that you would take care of him? If that's the case, then 'taking care' does NOT have to mean live with the person and take abuse or whatever. 'Taking care' of someone is just that, to make sure they are being taken care of. However you want to do that is up to you. The fact that your mother 'took care' of him is normal for husband and wife, that's to be expected. So you shouldn't have to equate her kind of 'taking care' of as yours. At least that's how I see it.
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Mom passed away june 09. the signs of depression were evident as soon as she passed normal. but he was fine for about a year and im guessing his latest depression is i wont let him smoke and drink. I admit i have feelings that he is why mom is not here as long as she could of been. he took somuch life out of her. she led a better life and he is still here a iknow im irational but my mom was my world and now dad is my world and its not something enjoyable
my hatred is nore to the fact that he is lazy he was always lazy depression or not he is capabile of alot more and he takes advantage of the fact that we ? me sill do everything
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I'm sorry about your mom, it seems like sometimes it's the wrong parent that dies. You will eventually have to let go of your feelings toward him though, or it will kill you and NOT him. Whether you want to admit it or not, your mother CHOSE him. Doesn't mean she liked her choice once she made it, but still she did choose him. We all have to take credit for our own actions, because they are after all, our actions not someone else's. He is not going to change his behavior for you if your mother couldn't get him to change. So let it go. Find a way to help him and not drive yourself crazy at the same time. There has GOT to be a better way of handling this situation while you still have some sanity. Ask for help/advise from someone you look up to in order to come up with a solution. Cause what you're doing now sure isn't working for ya. Good luck.
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Sorry to hear that. I can understand your anger more now. The sad thing is, at this late age in his life, he is likely to remain the same. That old line re: "Old dog, new tricks' issues seems to apply here. I am curious, is he really 'your world' now? I.e., are you with him by choice, personal financial necessity, or a sense of familial obligation?
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I've experienced lots of the feelings, that you are having towards your father, and one thing that really helped me, in regards to the addict in our family is the fact that, YES....they do suck the life out of people that they come into contact with, Yes, they irritate everyone with their habits, and their comings and goings.......and all of the trouble and money that they get into with 'that'............BUT....with your father having these issues, and your mom dealing with him....you have to remember.....you can't make the decisions that your mom made...he caused her grief and upset because she allowed it....it's a really hard thing to get your emotions to quit the blaming. I think it is actually 'part' of the grieving process. The addict in our family is just now grieving over the loss of her long-time boyfriend..he died 2 yrs ago...(the man was a saint)...battles depression all the time. It's like they are in this stupor, they don't realize the impact that their actions have on someone, but yet, 'they' aren't well either. So, look at your Dad in a different light. He's had addiction problems, he could just now be waking up and seeing what he has lost, 'they' aren't like you or me....they don't seem to be 'go-getters', they are 'takers'..(and that can change, but they have to 'want' to change)...But, your Mom must've loved him, she put up with his shenanigans, it was 'her' choice.....even though you can see that her stress, probably played a part, where her health was concerned......you cannot change, your Mother's choices. You can encourage your Dad to get help for both of his habits. It could be 'life-changing'...I wasn't sure I could ever quit blaming my sister for the grief she has caused my parents..but, she IS trying...she's been sober for a little over a year, and the more I have allowed my walls of ' blame' and ' hatred' to come down, between us, the more I see, that she is a sick person, with issues, and has chosen those two habits as her coping mechanisms...Good Luck to you......
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It seems as though those of us who volunteer to be caregivers pay for it everyday. I say that because my Mom is fond of saying, "that's water under the bridge." Translation: I never bothered to take good care of myself or make good decisions, so now YOU need to deal with the consequences.
No matter how hard I try to let her suffer the consequences, it still seems to end up being my issue to deal with.
I too have days of resentment and fear. Caregiving is isolating and you feel as if you will never get your life back. I am not at all prepared for this and I have no one in my immediate family who will/can help.
I agree with all above, you need to find some outlet for your emotions: caregiver's groups, in-home help, clergy, counseling. Also, does your step-father have children/family who can step in and take him? You should not have to shoulder the burden on your own.
good luck...Lilli
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This might be a time when you say, "he is doing the best he can", and you need to understand. He might have fear about "he's next", losing his partner, etc. You say he has always been lazy--do you mean he did not work or provide for his family? If that is the case, just do the minimum out of charity for him being incapable. If that is NOT true, then maybe he needs to feel needed again? Also, "mom was your world and now dad is your world"??? Maybe you need to get your OWN life since you are an individual and not meant to live through your parents. That does not sound healthy, and maybe it is YOURSELF you are hating for just that reason? Good Luck:)
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