How do I quell the feeling of hatred toward my dad, who is only depressed because he misses my mom?

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Find Grief & Bereavement support groups in your area; and go with him the first couple of times. Clearly he hasn't got over the loss, and your current attitude towards him isn't helping. Some people take longer to heal, especially when a part of you dies when the love of your life is no longer around. He needs to fill that void and take his life back in order to move on. Don't make him feel worse than he already does.

-- ED
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As we all know, the elderly are very stubborn and annoying, but a lot sharper than we think they are. He may be trying to make you feel guilty about something-maybe. It sounds like you have done the correct course medically, do you watch him take his prozac?
See if you can find some emotional support, either through friends, groups, or even religion (if you are inclined.). I think
you would be able to deal with your father with some help and it will make you feel better.
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Yes a dr percribed prozak. The last stroke he haad i asked for a psych evaluation cuz he talks about its not worth being around anymore and why shouldnt i smoke if i dont want to live. so they determined he is depressed. Generally his health is bad he needs a foley catheder all the time now he is due to have another stent in his carodded artery next month and his circulation sucks. but since he has been cut off by me from cigs he is showing improvement. the laziness thing is i see him do things when he thinkks people cant see him and physical therapists have determined he is able to do more he is just used to being catered to. I have talked to him about his laziness and he just continues to lie. this site is helping me and i am less mean to him i was enlightened the other day that my crass behavior is a form of abuse and i wish i could stop so im trying harder to be nicer.
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Your dislike for your dad is normal but it probably bothers you more than it does him. Was he diagnosed by a MD with depression? Is he taking any antidepressants? I know you care about his health, and smoking is dangerous, but most people just can't quit all of a sudden without any repercussions. I went in to a depression years ago when I quit for 3 days and the other side effects were horrible.
How old is your dad? Is he pretty healthy? Lazy people certainly are annoying but can you talk to him about it? You need to get some help and some support so that you can feel better. Good Luck
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That's been key for me too - my mom did badly in some ways, but she really did the best she could, as she did a lot of things because she genuinely thought they were the right things to do (though they weren't). She was being her usual maladaptive self one day, and I was wishing and praying it could be different, thinking it was my job to convince her to do differently, which of course is at least as impossible now as it was before she developed dementia. It came to me that "She is doing what she thinks is right." And that it was not for me to take that away from her, and would not be a good thing for her spiritually even if I could. .

I like the redefinition above of "water under the bridge" - oh, too true....
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This might be a time when you say, "he is doing the best he can", and you need to understand. He might have fear about "he's next", losing his partner, etc. You say he has always been lazy--do you mean he did not work or provide for his family? If that is the case, just do the minimum out of charity for him being incapable. If that is NOT true, then maybe he needs to feel needed again? Also, "mom was your world and now dad is your world"??? Maybe you need to get your OWN life since you are an individual and not meant to live through your parents. That does not sound healthy, and maybe it is YOURSELF you are hating for just that reason? Good Luck:)
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It seems as though those of us who volunteer to be caregivers pay for it everyday. I say that because my Mom is fond of saying, "that's water under the bridge." Translation: I never bothered to take good care of myself or make good decisions, so now YOU need to deal with the consequences.
No matter how hard I try to let her suffer the consequences, it still seems to end up being my issue to deal with.
I too have days of resentment and fear. Caregiving is isolating and you feel as if you will never get your life back. I am not at all prepared for this and I have no one in my immediate family who will/can help.
I agree with all above, you need to find some outlet for your emotions: caregiver's groups, in-home help, clergy, counseling. Also, does your step-father have children/family who can step in and take him? You should not have to shoulder the burden on your own.
good luck...Lilli
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I've experienced lots of the feelings, that you are having towards your father, and one thing that really helped me, in regards to the addict in our family is the fact that, YES....they do suck the life out of people that they come into contact with, Yes, they irritate everyone with their habits, and their comings and goings.......and all of the trouble and money that they get into with 'that'............BUT....with your father having these issues, and your mom dealing with him....you have to remember.....you can't make the decisions that your mom made...he caused her grief and upset because she allowed it....it's a really hard thing to get your emotions to quit the blaming. I think it is actually 'part' of the grieving process. The addict in our family is just now grieving over the loss of her long-time boyfriend..he died 2 yrs ago...(the man was a saint)...battles depression all the time. It's like they are in this stupor, they don't realize the impact that their actions have on someone, but yet, 'they' aren't well either. So, look at your Dad in a different light. He's had addiction problems, he could just now be waking up and seeing what he has lost, 'they' aren't like you or me....they don't seem to be 'go-getters', they are 'takers'..(and that can change, but they have to 'want' to change)...But, your Mom must've loved him, she put up with his shenanigans, it was 'her' choice.....even though you can see that her stress, probably played a part, where her health was concerned......you cannot change, your Mother's choices. You can encourage your Dad to get help for both of his habits. It could be 'life-changing'...I wasn't sure I could ever quit blaming my sister for the grief she has caused my parents..but, she IS trying...she's been sober for a little over a year, and the more I have allowed my walls of ' blame' and ' hatred' to come down, between us, the more I see, that she is a sick person, with issues, and has chosen those two habits as her coping mechanisms...Good Luck to you......
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Sorry to hear that. I can understand your anger more now. The sad thing is, at this late age in his life, he is likely to remain the same. That old line re: "Old dog, new tricks' issues seems to apply here. I am curious, is he really 'your world' now? I.e., are you with him by choice, personal financial necessity, or a sense of familial obligation?
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I'm sorry about your mom, it seems like sometimes it's the wrong parent that dies. You will eventually have to let go of your feelings toward him though, or it will kill you and NOT him. Whether you want to admit it or not, your mother CHOSE him. Doesn't mean she liked her choice once she made it, but still she did choose him. We all have to take credit for our own actions, because they are after all, our actions not someone else's. He is not going to change his behavior for you if your mother couldn't get him to change. So let it go. Find a way to help him and not drive yourself crazy at the same time. There has GOT to be a better way of handling this situation while you still have some sanity. Ask for help/advise from someone you look up to in order to come up with a solution. Cause what you're doing now sure isn't working for ya. Good luck.
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