I can't seem to get my mom to agree to move in with me. She constantly is having problems and I can't afford to put her in an assisted living facility. I just need her with me so I can help her. Why doesn't she understand.
I agree with Micheleangel, ultimatums (did I spell that right?) will often work when you have tried everything else. Since you did not mention it, I will presume your mom does not have dementia.
I am going to give you the tough-love approach. It seems harsh but it works and truth be told it could save your mom a catastrophic illness or injury. And I say this as a Gerontologist who has worked with hundreds of families:
If you feel she is in danger by remaining alone - have a meeting with her and tell her your concerns and make your offer, ask her if she has any conditions or concerns that make her hesitate - then reassure her. Tell her, how it affects YOU when you get calls in the middle of then night or from emergency rooms and then give her a couple of days to think about before she gives you an answer.
Then if her answer is still no, tell her that you are resigning from the position she puts you in, and that you will no longer be at her beck and call. "If you think you are capable of being independent, then lets see, because I am not helping anymore, I love you but my own health and peace of mind are in danger".
This means you will not take her shopping (she can do it on her own, cab, delivery, etc). You will not pick her up from the ER (she can take a cab home). ETC. ETC. Even if the ER call you, tell them sorry, but my mom takes care of herself. (plug into this plan all the stuff that mom depends on you for)
Then wait and see. If she does ok on her own, then you were worrying for nothing, but if she starts really struggling she will see how much she has really been depending on you, and maybe realize that she has been selfish in forcing you to do it solely on her terms. You get the drift? adapt this advice to your circumstances and good luck.
p.s. here's the big finale - If she stays stubborn and eventually ends up in the hospital and when it comes time to discharge her, (you can even tell the hospital social worker your plan, they will help), and she refuses to come stay with you, then they will send her to a skilled nursing (temporarily). A short stay in a nursing home will show her whats in her future if she doesn't move in with you.
Hello, that is hard to do for her I'm sure because she doesn't want to give up her independence. I just moved my Mom in with us for the second time and this time is for good but it wasn't easy we are still slowly moving her things in . I just told her that if she doesn't move in with us she would have to go into some type of home and she didn't like that idea maybe you could try that or one of the wonderful people on this site could offer some advice for you, this is such a great place for help. good luck to you, Michele
Hi Chris! That is a tough one to answer about the personal belongings. When I moved my dad in with us, I filled my basement with lots of his things. I just emptied his house after I moved him into assisted living. I donated all of his furniture to the goodwill, except for the bed and dresser I took from his house for him. It's so hard to just get rid of their belongings. I packed up a truckload again, and it is in my garage and basement. But mostly I kept his most valuable items, and favorite things. I plan on taking some of the things to his AL apartment. I haven't figured out what to do with the rest, and this is overwhelming to me, since I have no room. Keep her most favorite nick nacks, the rest can be donated or you keep if you have room. If you can afford a storage unit, that would be nice. We couldn't afford to pay for storage. Good luck to you.
Hi all, I moved my Mom in with us and brought some of her stuff (only what we could really use and need) Now I have to deal with the house full of furniture and I mean alot. My cousin (who is like a sis to me) offered to help to sell the stuff sort of a yard sale or estate sale type thing, I am so grateful. If you had someone to help you do that then you would have the money to help care for your Mom. It's very overwhelming, I know. I will be doing that in the near future and then sell the house, we need to for the cost of my Dad in Asst. liv. and Mom with me. I wish you luck, Chris. Keep us posted.
hi my name is randy my mother inlaw move in with us three years ago. she thinks she can do the the things she used to.my wife is going crazzy and is thinking of putting her in a home.now i know she brakes things all time and she sweeps and mops the floor and wife has to do it agian,and she falls all time for not using her walker and my wife puts in front of her door.now the other day she stays at her son house and falls out of shower and brakes her arm knowing good and well there is no safe things there for her.my wife feels beat;en down,please help me save this thank you anything all
Donahue, what do you do when your independent Mom WANTS to live in a nursing home (or thinks she does), instead of living with her children. Both of her children have plenty of room and welcome her. She has made the statement that she doesn't want to live with us and thinks we just don't want her to spend her money. This is so not true.
Oh that's tough. Mom does not want to lose her autonomy. I would make sure she has her own space and assure mom that you will give her space. Ask mom to vocalize her concerns. When we moved gma in (I was a kid), she wanted certain pieces of her furniture and she wanted to be able to have her own space.
You may have to negotiate this. But make sure she knows that you are doing this because she will be a blessed addition to the household and a contribution. If you focus on the financial aspect, she may feel like a failure to you her daughter.
Can your mom afford assisted living? Does she qualify for Medicaid? Has a doctor evaluated her and told her it is no longer safe for her to live by herself? Does she have the means by which to have some help at home from a certified agency?
The "stuff" is a big issue. We (the caregiver) can look at it objectively and see a pile of old newspapers, but they (the collector) see it as wasteful to throw out all those crossword puzzles!
I had my mom help me pack her "stuff." She really was little to no help, but I would give her a job to do and a box (in a different one than where I was working. I told her if she didn't want it to put it by the door, and we'd give it away to someone. This was a better solution that saying, "Toss this junk!" Her emotional attachment to some things was overwhelming to me (i.e. 25 jackets, 300 plastic hangars, 30 large butcher knives, her late husband's medicines, etc). I had to be VERY careful about how I referred to her "things."
When unpacking in her new apartment, if there was no room for something, I'd put it by the door and say, "I'll take it to your storage unit for now. If you find you are missing something, we can go get it, okay?" Then, when she didn't ask for it in the next 2 or 3 months, I figured I could give it to Goodwill, etc. Some things I had to quietly get rid of, trust my own judgement on.
It's a difficult task to pare an entire life down to one room. My advice is to find out what is important to them, what they wouldn't mind giving away or selling, and allow them to see that all of it won't fit before you start insisting on putting it out of sight. When so much of themselves is disappearing, it's very important that their "stuff" not disappear, too.
I am going to give you the tough-love approach. It seems harsh but it works and truth be told it could save your mom a catastrophic illness or injury. And I say this as a Gerontologist who has worked with hundreds of families:
If you feel she is in danger by remaining alone - have a meeting with her and tell her your concerns and make your offer, ask her if she has any conditions or concerns that make her hesitate - then reassure her. Tell her, how it affects YOU when you get calls in the middle of then night or from emergency rooms and then give her a couple of days to think about before she gives you an answer.
Then if her answer is still no, tell her that you are resigning from the position she puts you in, and that you will no longer be at her beck and call. "If you think you are capable of being independent, then lets see, because I am not helping anymore, I love you but my own health and peace of mind are in danger".
This means you will not take her shopping (she can do it on her own, cab, delivery, etc). You will not pick her up from the ER (she can take a cab home). ETC. ETC. Even if the ER call you, tell them sorry, but my mom takes care of herself. (plug into this plan all the stuff that mom depends on you for)
Then wait and see. If she does ok on her own, then you were worrying for nothing, but if she starts really struggling she will see how much she has really been depending on you, and maybe realize that she has been selfish in forcing you to do it solely on her terms. You get the drift? adapt this advice to your circumstances and good luck.
p.s. here's the big finale - If she stays stubborn and eventually ends up in the hospital and when it comes time to discharge her, (you can even tell the hospital social worker your plan, they will help), and she refuses to come stay with you, then they will send her to a skilled nursing (temporarily). A short stay in a nursing home will show her whats in her future if she doesn't move in with you.
Chris
she thinks she can do the the things she used to.my wife is going crazzy and is thinking of putting her in a home.now i know she brakes things all time and she sweeps and mops the floor and wife has to do it agian,and
she falls all time for not using her walker and my wife puts in front of her door.now the other day she stays at her son house and falls out of shower and brakes her arm knowing good and well there is no safe things there for her.my wife feels beat;en down,please help me save this
thank you anything all
You may have to negotiate this. But make sure she knows that you are doing this because she will be a blessed addition to the household and a contribution. If you focus on the financial aspect, she may feel like a failure to you her daughter.
God bless you.
I had my mom help me pack her "stuff." She really was little to no help, but I would give her a job to do and a box (in a different one than where I was working. I told her if she didn't want it to put it by the door, and we'd give it away to someone. This was a better solution that saying, "Toss this junk!" Her emotional attachment to some things was overwhelming to me (i.e. 25 jackets, 300 plastic hangars, 30 large butcher knives, her late husband's medicines, etc). I had to be VERY careful about how I referred to her "things."
When unpacking in her new apartment, if there was no room for something, I'd put it by the door and say, "I'll take it to your storage unit for now. If you find you are missing something, we can go get it, okay?" Then, when she didn't ask for it in the next 2 or 3 months, I figured I could give it to Goodwill, etc. Some things I had to quietly get rid of, trust my own judgement on.
It's a difficult task to pare an entire life down to one room. My advice is to find out what is important to them, what they wouldn't mind giving away or selling, and allow them to see that all of it won't fit before you start insisting on putting it out of sight. When so much of themselves is disappearing, it's very important that their "stuff" not disappear, too.