How do I keep my elderly mother from moving to a location without adequate care?

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My elderly mother lives with me. She recently announced that she wishes to move to another city, where my brother lives, and enter assisted living. I've learned from the assisted living facility that they aren't prepared to accept her (no finanical arrangement, no care plan, no application forms, etc). My brother is non responsive to pleas to explain his plan for her care. From mom, we've learned that he'll just 'put me in a hotel' until things are 'sorted out'. She has critical health needs, is seeing multiple doctors, has multiple medications and can't be left alone for long periods. I know that my brother, who has very small children, and works, won't be with her for extended periods. How do I keep her from entering this situation? Both she and my brother seem to have no realistic appraisal of the risk. She states, "Everyone has to die somewhere." Help, what do I do? She plans to leave in a few days.

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The sad part is that unless you have guardianship, or she is proven incapable of making her own decisions, there may not be anything you can do. Try to have her spiritual leader or a good friend talk with her. Third parties (non-family) often can convince people when family can't. Good luck. This is tought to swallow.
Carol
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Why not have her go for a VISIT to your brothers? Tell her that you want her to have a good look at the area, while your brother locates doctors, facilities, etc?

Maybe a 'visit' will help her AND your brother realize just what goes into her care.
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I could have written your post a year or two ago. I moved my Mom a long distance to live near us because my brother had no interest in her care. He could see that she was declining and did nothing to help. When I would ask about "the plan" he would just reply flippantly, "I'll take care of it" which, of course, he didn't. It took a long time to convince my Mom to come here and awhile for her to adjust. Even though she receives excellent care from us, she still thinks that things "back home" will be idyllic. My brother would do EXACTLY as yours has planned....slap her in the nearest nursing home and forget about her.
Most people would tell us to use "tough love" but, with a senior, that is easier said than done. I had to have long talks with my Mother where I would ask her questions such as, "have you thought about what you will do if this happens..." or "has your son found specialists and doctors for you?" Point out to her that assisted living centers do not provide much personal or medical care...that will be up to your brother or an additional paid caregiver.
Luckily, my Mother did respond and I haven't heard this tune in a long time. I also think that your brother and Mother need to know that if this change occurs, you will not be flying or driving out to their town to help "fix" things. If your brother wants the responsibility and your Mom agrees there is not much you can do. When your Mom moves, stay out of the fray and let your brother deal with EVERYTHING. That may wake him out of his arrogance.
Good luck...no one can begin to know what this is like unless you have gone through it.
PS: who has the PoAs?
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You poor dear, this is so very hard to deal with and many parents do not want to listen to what we have to say. It is so frustrating.

I agree that you really need to have a heart to heart with your mom about the consequences of moving without having the primary care physicians and specialists in place. Does she have POA and advanced directives in place? These are things that need to be addressed as well.

If your mother continues to insist on moving, and does end up in a motel, my suggestion is to make an anonymous call to adult protective services in the area and report the situation. Your brother will not know if it is you or a worker in the building. They will step in and take care of things if it is truly an unsafe situation.
This is better than waiting for some crisis to happen.

Diane Carbo
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You got very good advice but if she does do this tell her you will not be able to fix things for her elders tend not to listen to reason they have a different picture in their mind -hope you keep us posted this can be a learning experience for many good luck-you are doing all you can at this point -she will be in God's hands.
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And the award for best post today is MIA MADRE!
My Aunt thought she could take on my Mother here recently, and "help" her. After THREE days she was calling me to "come and get your Mother, I can't handle this", so needless to say, after flights and rental cars the final tally was around 900 dollars to get Mom back home. BIG waste of money and time. What she should have done was stay with us for a few days to observe Mom and see what really went on and what type of care she needed.
Your Mom isn't thinking clearly. Maybe you should go with her and see if you can get things set up like you know they SHOULD be ( if she has her mind set to go live there) and I have to disagree with the comment about letting it go after she moves there, if things do not work out, be prepared and let Mom know that you will be there whenever she needs you.
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CoCaregiver, what are the cons of having your mother stay living with you? I'm trying to understand why it might not better to just keep things the way they are.
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