My mother is 84, and my aunt is 88. They live together in an apartment about 15 minutes away, and are fiercely independent. Neither drive, and both have heart problems. My aunt is frail, incontinent, hears and sees things, and very unsteady, and in about the third stage of senile dementia. My mother is starting to show signs of early dementia, and very stubborn. She is also very narcissistic in nature, and has been difficult to deal with all of my life. I gave up a full time job five years ago to take them food shopping, to the doctor, dentist, and shopping and lunch on Tues and Thurs of every week. My mother complains constantly that things are getting to be too much for her, as she is no caregiver. They won't consider in home help, or assisted living. If my mother would just relax, she could enjoy all of the blessings that they have. She wants me to add another day so I can take them out because they are bored, even though they could afford to take a cab to shop or hire a dear friend of mine to assist with cleaning and watching my aunt if my mother took the bus to go shopping. They shun the senior citizen center, and most activities that older people could be doing. They want me to be like a servant, with them listening to no suggestions or ideas. I don't want to lose a wonderful job that I have because I can't meet the obligations for it. The pressures from them are intense. I'm digging my heals in so they will at least get in home care or my friend to add to the help that I am already giving. What makes it even harder is that my mother is very selfish and doesn't want to know a thing about my life or concerns, just for me to do her bidding even if it makes no sense. I've had enough, and would appreciate some ideas as to how to field her complaints and how not feel guilty for not giving in to ridiculous and baseless complaints. I don't want to be cruel, but I do want to be firm. I can't even tell my mother that we are taking a cruise this summer, because she would fly into a rage over it. She even begrudges us going to FL to see my husband's family. She wants nothing to do with them, and makes up stories that they were rude to her, and they are very sweet and kind people. I really appreciate any input and suggestions. Thank you!
They both sound like my mother: spreading their misery to all four corners, finding fault in everything just to get some attention, and tearing everybody else down so they can feel better about themselves. No matter what to do to ease their "pain and suffering" nothing will ever be good enough on their quest for martyrdom. ... Not even your own trials and tribulations while caring for them. Don't bother trying to identify with them or say you know exactly what they're going through. They'll always do one better.
Alice's "Aw, shut up" to Ralph in The Honeymooners always worked, didn't it? ... All that bitching, moaning, and groaning continues unabated because you put up with it. Time to put a stop to it. It's getting stale.
-- Ed
These things happen incrementally until you find yourself giving up everything you once loved to do. My Mom had a meltdown the last time we went on a 3 day vacation. We left her with plenty of help and people to call. But somehow she still managed to make us miserable while we were away.
It is time for you to look into assisted living centers for the two. Go look at some, narrow them down to one or two, then hand Mom the brochures. Tell her that you would like to show her a few - many will allow you to have lunch togther. Use a method I used to employ frequently when teaching: "you have two choices A or B....choose one."
Do not continue to give up more of your time. Tell your Mom that you are stretched to your limits and she and your aunt need more time and expertise than you can give. Go back to work more fulltime. Be less available. Offer to hire in-home help as an interim solution. Then keep re-introducing the topic of ALFs.
When they are including you in their caregiving needs you DO have a voice in what their future is going to look like. The reason they are not opting for in-home help is because you are jumping in whenever they need you. (btw, nix the plans to "babysit" them because they are bored. The senior center will come and pick them up for activities.)
Trust me you will not like giving up more of your life.
good luck