DonnaG Asked July 2010

How do I handle mom's insistence that she saw me sleeping with Dad?

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Going along would upset her too. Just keep hoping the thought leaves?

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IsabelCares Jul 2010
Donna, so sorry about the painful phase you are experiencing with your Mom's latest symptoms. Others have shared great advice with you. Still, it has to be emotionally difficult for you to hear that coming from your Mom. Hard as it may be, sometimes it is best to not say a thing in some circumstances. Sometimes we can be damned if we do and damned if we don't. Instead, I have learned to whisper a prayer for my Mom, and for myself, when we are both faced with more challenging moments in Mom's care. May you, and I, and all of us who so desire, be blessed with greater serenity in accepting life's little curve balls.
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lgallagher Jul 2010
Try to get her a thorough physical to rule out anything physical behind the change in behavior. Urinary tract infections, thyroid problems, etc. often manifest themselves first in behavioral changes. Then see if the Dr. can prescribe something for her paranoia.
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susanT8403 Jul 2010
u didnt mention if she has alzheimers or not? If so like was previously said, looking into placement sounds like a good option, that way there are no more accusations, and she probably half the time isnt even aware whats going on, she cant help it, i know my mother couldnt help it, when she used to get UTI's all the time, would start hallucinating and seeing all kinds of people and animals in her apartment that were just not there. This sounds like something that would be impossible to deal with alone, and must be putting huge stressors on u, its not fun hearing things like that, and wondering if she really believes them, sometimes they just conjure up stuff and wont get off the subject! Just do ur best to divert her attention away from that conversation, and move on to something else, if thats possible, I used to do that all time with mom, and it worked, just come out of the blue with any old thing to ask her, or divert her from her thoughts! hope everything turns out ok for u!!! hugs
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mstexas Jul 2010
Donna- It's sad,I know and it hurts I'm sure. Try to remind yourself that it's not her who is saying this but the illness. My mom went thru similair issue(she has dementia/alzhimiers) In the begining of her stay with me and my family she accused me of stealing-taking her food-told me consistanly that i was an ungrateful daughter and that I didnt deserve to live! I immediatly took her to her doctor to have her evaluated-he prescribed her medication that made her a completly different person-she knows at times where she is (that's the alzhimiers) but she is pleasant-caring and non-combative.Thank god for rispidol.it takes the edge off the dementia!!
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MiaMadre Jul 2010
Donna: I agree with the other posts here, and would like to add just a few suggestions.

Try to limit any 'open affection' for your father (hugging, etc) while around your mother, UNLESS you are very careful. She does see you as 'competition' even if she still knows that you ARE her daughter! Of course I am not suggesting that you ignore your father, but it may help to reduce her 'suspicions'.

Also, if she goes to bed earlier than you and Dad, I am sure that she 'hears you talking, laughing, unwinding' and could construe this as flirting and even romantic behavior! You could have 'Dad' sit with her until she is fast asleep and then continue his night with you once she is asleep.

When my mother was at my brothers house, she thought his 'fiancee' was the mistress!! Since my mother thought that my brother was really her HUSBAND, any other woman was "the other woman". It created quite a few upheavals!! Even when she was here with me and they would 'visit' she would always ask "WHY did you have to bring that B%&$^ with you?"

Try as I might to have him visit Mom alone, he didn't, so the drama that went along with the visits was inevitable! Even when Mom was in the nursing home there were issues when Mom would see "HER" coming in the door.
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CajeanL50 Jul 2010
Whew, can I ever relate to this one! My 89 yr old mom has dementia and has for the last month, increasingly been paranoid. Her accusations are, so far, against her neighbors; they're throwing eggshells in our yard, putting their phone service on her bill, and yes, making her constipated! It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad. We try to redirect her attention, pray with her, share the 23rd Psalm, tell her we'll keep her safe, etc...but she almost always comes back to it shortly and has an answer for everything! She sleeps an awful lot, but that can be a blessing in disguise, for my dad especially.

I may get her to a gerontologist soon, as the Namenda 2x day doesn't seem to be doing much. She now takes an additional 1/2 Celexa (per her PCP) in the PM, hoping that will calm her down a bit. My 90 yr old dad has very bad CHF and can't deal with her when she goes off & yells. My husband & I are there as much as possible, with two others helping too; not yet 24 hrs a day...prob won't be long! Just trying to keep them in their own home as long as possible.

Sometimes it just helps to vent to someone that's been there, and maybe even has some great advice. I just read "Learning to Speak Alzheimers" and it had some wonderful ideas too. Thanks for letting me share! ♥♥
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hapfra Jul 2010
Donna-Sounds lika paranoa or dementia to me---Is it possible to have her checked by a neurologist or your PCP? In the meantime-you will just have to go along with things..Do not try to have any confrontation with her, as you make just come out the looser-and can be very frustrating..

As a former caregiver myself-I know what the roller-coster ride is like~

Best to you and yours,

Hap
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DonnaG Jul 2010
Thanks Lynn. I've been staying with my parents since Jan. We may indeed need to think about that next step if the paranoia increases. Thus far it's been isolated incidents that go away when she falls asleep. Not happening thus far today. (though she just asked if Dad was cooking breakfast since "he's the best breakfast cook at this place," so maybe it's turning.) Yeah, having others to distract is key. I've usually served as distraction when she's angry at Dad, but we may need to enlist others. She is also probably battling lung cancer (no 100 percent diagnosis because biopsies failed and we don't want to try again nor treat because of the increased paranoia it brings.) Then those are those moments when she's enjoying herself and us and laughing and such. What a roller coaster. thanks for listening and offering your experience.
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LynnPO Jul 2010
Donna - my grandmother made terrible accusations about my uncle stealing from her and nothing we tried over 10 years convinced her otherwise. Eventually my uncle stopped visiting her because it just hurt him too much - he was the LAST person who'd do something like that. It's as though it was her explanation of WHY she was in a nursing home - someone took all her things so she could not live in an empty house. My Mom and I would change the subject or find something to distract her; it sort of interupted her train of thought but it didn't last more than one day. That said, she began EACH visit with the question, "Did ___________(his name) bring back my dishes and furniture yet? He sold all my things for booze you know!"

As painful as it is, remember that you can't take this personally. She may not realize who you are any longer - that you are a daughter - and may see you as competition for affection or attention. If she's living with you, it might be time to consider moving her to an alzheimer's care unit. This will give her other things to worry about and free you up to visit her. You can save up all your patience for visits and have your home as a place where you live "the truth".
. You must look out for your own emotional well being too. It's a painful situation but you'll get through if you have some place and activities to distract your mind from the hurt and worry. Best of luck to you
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