npdDaughter Asked March 2011

How can I force my mother to allow paid caregivers into the home?

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I am her sole caregiver. She has dementia....she insists that I am out everynight and never here for her. I am here constantly and have no life. I feel for her, but I feel for me as well. The guilt is killing me about placing her in a Nursing home, but if I could get her to accept paid caregivers it would be a lot easier for me. I can afford it. Any suggestions?

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toadballet1 Mar 2011
Your story is so familiar to me. Mom does not have Alz. but refused any outside help for a long time. (of course, she thought no one else could do what I did for her!) It wasn't a money issue with her...I think she just wanted a familiar face in her orbit and these people were "strangers."
I started out by researching the local agencies in the area. I spoke with the social worker at our local hospital and asked the right questions until she finally gave me a recommendation (they usually say "they're all good.") Then I had the manager of the company come and speak with Mom. He told her that he would "hand pick" someone for her - which he did. I started out with paid caregiving one time a week - now we have it twice a week. I rotate two caregivers just in case one cancels or is on vacation.
Tell the agency about your Mom's concerns and that she has dementia. Let them know what you need done (personal care, light housekeeping, errands, etc.) Often, people who work for these companies are former nurses, CNAs, etc. Introduce the caregiver to your Mom, then go out for an hour while this person cleans, shops, etc. If they have worked with the elderly they will not be thrown off by your Mom's behavior.
The bottom line is that you are entrusted to take care of your Mom, so you need to make decisions that are in her best interest. Taking care of yourself is ALSO in her best interests. Burnout sneaks up on you and by then your mental and physical health may be compromised. No where is it written that you need to sacrifice your health for anyone else.
Is your Mom lucid enough to understand that it is either: paid caregivers or a NH?
Most people would not be willing to try in-home help before sending a parent to an NH. I am sorry that your Mom does not see what you have sacrificed for her care.
Good luck
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