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At the end of the day, none of us would be here today without those who raised us, no matter what mistakes they made. I stepped up to the plate to help my foster mother who raised a number of children and was very harse and hard on us. I felt it was my duty. All of my foster siblings scurried away when she needed help dispite their promises to help so I am left alone with all the responsibility and stress. It is hard as we were not close. Tell you siblings to help not for the sake of your father but for their own sakes because they are the ones who will live with regret when he is gone because they did not stay in touch.
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Your dad needs help with his grief. My perception of truck drivers is that they are not home a whole lot. Maybe some of your siblings don't feel as connected to him as you do. I don't know about that, but the man does need help with his grief over his wife's death. Four months is a long time when someone you love has died. If you perceive that he is a danger to himself (wants to actually kill himself) or to others, then please call 911. He's in situational depression and needs help.
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We really have no control of what others do or don't do. Encourage your Dad to find a grief support group. The local hospital social worker may be able to provide a list of support groups in your area. Also encourage your Dad to reach out to the other children. They may not want to call because they feel they may upset him with their grief.
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When some dies in a family we all deal with death different. Some of us want to be around loved ones, some alone. There all always two sides to a story. May be with the holidays coming you make a visit, call you relatives and see what they have to say. Don't give up. Sometimes if he just a card or a picture he may change, its hard to say.
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A well cared for, and obviously well-off woman stood in line at the local Wal-Mart and asked the question: " Now, is this the lower middle class or is this the upper lower class?" I personally thought it was funny, but she was serious. My first thought was, What is SHE doing HERE? Then I thought about her question. We all come from different backgrounds. Wealth and priviledge is a relative thing. We must admit that poverty is also a relative thing. The middle class is or can be relatively unequal. Is anyone shocked at the text of dmvgirl?
I can not relate to anyone who castrated hogs. I also can not relate to those who suffer from an alcoholic parent. I can not relate to those who struggle financially. I mean really struggle. Is it me, or am I in a different world?
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lcs-up untill about 4 years ago we were regarded as a perfect family-people around here are still shocked.Don't know why I'M different,I was not raised as a girly girl.I helped my dad castrate hogs-rode bulls,hauled hay-sained ponds,cut out cows-bush-hogged[you get the picture]and looked good doing it-brothers same background-same morals.I've seen my brother the lawyer change before our eyes.My other brother changed the last 15 years for whatever reason.As kids I was regarded the considerate one and the brothers the selfish ones,maybe there was sibling rivalry no one nipped in the bud.[I was the baby] Whatever the reason it is usually one that gets to do it all.My dad was the one in his family to do the caregiving and not his sister.He did not hate her for not helping,but would have appreciated it.My brothers reason for my helping was they had to make a living.His reason for not attending funeral[HE was too upset] We are all busy people we all have to make a living,some of us have more self importance than others. Jeffs family appeared close,but once he passed away they acted like a bunch of fools. I've seen it too many times.I've also seen the one doing the least amount of work wanting control of the finances.Alittle compassion goes along way.
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There must be a reason why people don't feel part of the family. I come from a close-knit family but my husband does not. The reason for the difference is that my husband's father fought with most of his brothers and then abused his wife and his kids. There was no sense of family ever developed. People with no consciences aren't born that way (unless they are seriously mentally ill) so I wonder, Tennesse, why are you so different from your brother? Do you think it is because you are female and he is male? Is it because he was raised to be macho and self-interested and you were raised to be "feminine" and caring? I feel fortunate in that my husband did not insist that we raise our son to be macho and our daughter to be "girly". And now they are grown, the two of them are both - they embrace the masculine and the feminine in themselves and they both are daring but caring individuals. I wonder what made your brother is such a sh--head, as you call him?
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I think caregivers have enough to worry about and enough to do without having to baby their brothers and sisters.Family should pitch in without asking they should want to help.Mom and dad did not get sick and old over night. If a family member has to be called to remind them they are part of the family-something is terribly wrong-you cannot make someone care,you can't give someone a conscience.Reaping what you sow, is what the deadbeat siblings will have to deal with.Honor your father and mother-that applies to everyone.
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Ok I may be a little cranky today but as for dysfunction realities, the reality was that there were 10 children, mother worked as a waitress father was a truck driver. Didn't always have alot but we always had our mother their when needed. Ended up with 6 alcholoics, myself included(genes played big role in that one) Mom was the one that helped all 6 of us drunks get our lives back. She never once left us out there to dry. Took grandchildren in when parents were to mess up to care for them. Was she a saint, no but she never treated one better then the other, it just comes down to who is an adult and who is a shameless, inconsiderate shit. Sorry but I get really tired of all the support the missing sibs can get on this site. Maybe if Mom was going to leave something for them when she is gone things might be different, but her will reads 10 kids, split 10 ways and yes I could get her to change it but hoping that if they do get something at the end it will remind them of waht they missed. Sorry for all the anger just one of those days. But Mom did say Thank you to me again this morning, who can asked for more.
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I agree with alwayslearning and would only add to it that sometimes "the chosen one" cannot see the dysfunctional realities seen by their siblings.
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always learning
You are correct, I tried everything to keep my nine brothers and sisters involved with my Mom's life and care. I tried having her call them, I emailed , I wrote letters, I hosted Holiday dinners just to get them to see her. Well now I am tired of doing all the work for them, as I said before Mom was there for everyone of them when she was needed, and now they are to busy, selfish or just don't care. So no sometimes it is not our fault that we don't try hard enough, sometimes our siblings are just Sh-TS!
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It's amazing how often the topic comes up about some of the adult children calling/visiting/caregiving and some not. I think it's useful to remember that everyone would prefer to have good relationships over bad relationships. It doesn't normally "just happen" that adult children "abandon" their parents out of selfishness. Something happened in that relationship and whatever it was, was probably not one-sided. Different sibs have different experiences of their parents in addition to different issues of their own. For the sibling who's still connected to assume that the others are just shitheads is not likely to help the situation. That's poor relationship management on the sibling's part, and doesn't exactly model good relationship management for the parent. So... siblings, work on improving your relationship among yourselves. That can possibly have a ripple effect on the quality of other relationships. But the only relationships you can affect directly are your own.
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My father had a very bad stroke. The next week my mother died from a heart attack. My dad was unable to comprehend about my mother for months. He asked my nephew for a gun. My father had never been alone and it has been really hard on him. What I've done is to keep reminding my father of what he means to me. I got him a puppy. I've enrolled him in a senior's social activity (they pick him up and drop him off). I've got my uncle taking him to the gym to keep him active. Its taken us 1 year after his hospitalization to get him to this point. its not easy, but keep reminding him of what he still has to offer this world. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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You stick with him! Be there for him. Take him where he can mingle with other adults his own age....activities, music, and travel will help, I'm sure. Lastly, try and contact your siblings and ask them nicely if they would just give a call or a visit to your father about once every two weeks. That's not too much to ask. This is a typical case where a senior lets his family become the focal point of his social life instead of integrating himself with others his own age. They say that interacting with others is good for mental health and can increase life expectantcy.
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The worst shape and the needier my father became the less the brothers came around and called.When he was up and around and could cook and clean for them-different story.He cried about their lack of concern often as did I.All of the tears in the world will not change a selfish,self-centered -dump it all in your lap sibling.Some compassionate people often will realize that it is a family and that family are suppose to stick together and some are like my brother who never called,came around-showed any concern,didn't come to the funeral and then got a lawyer to sue.[Parents often leave the kids zero that don't give a flip about them]Good character is good character.love is love and actions speak a whole lot louder than words.Instead of dwelling on the deadbeats,try to make him laugh about things that you two know about-I for one am not going to help make excusses for someone who will make plenty on their own. I hope your dad can get passed the inconsideration and giggle with you a bit.
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That was such a great answer if he makes the move to call even if you have to suggest thay make make the difference-they can decide how much to share and if it does not work out at least you did the right thing-I am sure it hurts to have him so upset not hearing from them they peobably have their reasons but somday it will be too late so do have him call each one that is all you can do,
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oqt asked the question that I was going to ask you, Carol. Is your father "reaping what he sowed"? If so, HE is the one that should be calling your siblings to see what he can do to make repairs. I know that if my husband's mother had died before my husband's father died, the offspring might not have cared much about how lonely their father was. He wasn't good to his wife or his kids and he caused them much misery during his lifetime. However, if your siblings are just "too busy" or "don't think of calling" etc. you could phone them and tell them how much they are hurting Dad. If you know this won't work and that you would just end up being yelled at, then, perhaps, when you have time to sit with your dad, help him decide which of your siblings he wants to talk to first and encourage HIM to do the phoning. Keep him at it. Maybe your siblings don't know what to say now that your mother is gone so they feel awkward about speaking with your dad. But if he phones them and asks how THEY are doing, and what's happening with their kids? their pets? their work? their hobbies? etc. at least he will have talked with them. I think the "talking together" is more important than who it was that made the call. Also, I would guess that part of the crying on the part of your father is that he is still missing his wife and the life they had together, especially if it was a good life for him.
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i aslo have to deal with the missing siblings. And no my mother was not abusive or controlling. Just the opposite was always there for us. Since Mom has moved in with me my siblings have hardly seen or spoken to her. Guess they fiqure I have it all handled. My Mom also was very sad after my dad passed married 54 years, and I couldn't get her to do anything. It took me almost a year but I now have her going to a Senior center 5 days a week, and she loves it. She has mid stage dementia so everyday i have to remind her where she is going, but it has helped alot. Just being around people her own age and socializing is a big help. As for your siblings good luck I have tried everything but they just don't care.
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There is a missing piece here......Why have they not called? Was the relationship good with your Dad and sibs? If they are being cruel that is sad but if they have been neglected by Dad (emotionally etc.)in the past there may not be a relationship at all .

I have chosen not to connect with either of my dysfunctional parents and I know they both cry for me but if I opened up to them they would emotionally kill me with their hatred of each other and their controlling guilt driven ways. It took me 45 years to separate from them and try to regain my mental independence thus freeing me to embrace life with my husband and children in a more relaxed and healthy way.
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